Luke ... A Brief History of Time!

           Childhood

When you are young, still at school, life seems to go so slow.  I remember as a child in the 1970s, long hot summers, that seemed never ending, playing outside with friends until the sun went down.  The days felt longer, time went slower, lackadaisical weeks languished and those carefree childhood days gently flowed into my teenage youth, an altogether different time!

I remember very little from my childhood.  I'm not sure why that is!  When you speak to other friends about childhood memories, they all seem to have far longer reminiscences, stretching back further than I can recall.  As far as I am aware, my childhood was pretty standard stuff.  I suppose at that age I never really thought about old age.  I remember looking at my parents, who were then in their twenties, thinking how old they looked, how tall, imposing, scary and monumental they appeared. A day was a lifetime and a lifetime would never end.

I must have been about seven years of age, give or take a few years, when I found out that people die.  I recall how I spent the next few years worrying constantly about dying, my parents dying and trying to imagine what death was like.  The more Illusory my thoughts, the worse I felt.  Bereavement became introspection, as soul searching turned to introversion.  It was unhealthy and melancholy and caused a lot on anguish at a lime when I should have been enjoying life.  I know now this was a perfectly normal thought process, something all children go through, whilst growing up!

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My teenage years were very different.  There was less introversion, more extroversion, less thinking and more doing.  

My teenage years were of course blemished by the spectre of homosexuality.  Coming to terms with ones sexuality was the biggest challenge for me, at a time when being gay was still frowned upon, in all respects.  I had no real time to grow up like a normal teenage boy, because I was just too busy dealing with feelings and emotions that made no sense to me.  You have to remember that at the time, there was very little sex education, let alone lessons on homosexuality.  In reality you are very much alone, wrestling with some very important issues.  Coupled with your feelings you are also having to endure bullying and intimidation because of who you are.  

At that time, I grew up very fast, I had no choice.  Whilst other friends and contemporaries were living relatively normal lives, apart from the typical adolescent glitches, I was contending with the frightening prospect of not feeling conventional and singled out for being gay.  These were very difficult years to struggle with!  

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                                     Teenager

Towards the end of the 1980s, AIDS became the major issue of concern in my life.  By  then I knew I was gay and had been having sex with other men.  I have to say, I was not taking precautions all the time and life was about to get even more complicated!

The Conservative Government at the time began to broadcast those infamous AIDS advertisements.  When I look back and remember those times now, I can see just how chilling and terrifying they actually were.  I spent a long time thinking about death and our own mortality. Everytime I  went to sleep at night, closed my eyes and fell asleep, the same reacurring nightmare from ill thought out advertisements, coming from a Government, who was itself ignorant, haunted my dreams.  My own mortality was constantly on my mind.

My teenage years were the worst years of my life, psychologically.  I would not want to return to those traumatic times ever.  They have had a lasting effect, on who I am today, the problems I have experienced and the key to coping with the future.  The rewiring of the brain, during ones teenage years compounded by all the other issues of sexuality and AIDS, left me shattered as an individual.  At a time when I should have been studying hard, I was actually too preoccupied with personal issues, that I was finding difficult to apportion!

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                             Spectre of AIDS

My twenties were reckless, extremely audacious and at times out of control.  I'm not too sure if that was normal or whether it was just part of the course. I settled in to University life very well, in all respects. Suddenly I discovered a whole new social World, with like minded individuals, who had so much in common with me.  University was the one single thing that bought me out of my shell and made me the person I am today.  It was the beginning of some very happy and equally traumatic times.

I also discovered the 'Gay Scene!'  In the early 1990s I began socialising with other gay people at an intense level.  The gay scene became my family, and as I am fully aware of now, families are not necessarily good for you.  I met some great people, many of whom I am still in contact with, but equally I have met some terrible individuals, who deeply disturbed me as a person and were responsible for many problems in my life.

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                                      My 20's

Things weren't all bad of course.  I met Darrell in my early 20s and we have been together ever since.  We both met on the Southampton gay scene and experienced all the ups and downs  that entailed. Our 20s were extremely egregious, but those times made us the people we are and gave us a wealth of memories that we will never forget!

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In my thirties, I tried to settle down and live a normal life.  I know that is hard to believe but I had spent so long on the gay scene, enjoying the liberation of the time, that I had forgotten to forge a life for myself.  I had not realised that as I was partying, life was moving on.

Darrell and I had also spent many years fighting to stay together in a World where homosexuality was still not recognised. Threats of deportation and periods living in Australia had taken its toll and for some reason, both of us never noticed life passing us by.  I´m not sure that was reckless on our part. it was just the way things were back then.  We were trying to fight for things that quite simply took up 

My 30's

every waking moment.  When we should have been forging a life, with a good career, we were just trying to stay together at a time, where the World was changing dramatically. Personally we were just born that bit too early to enjoy all the liberation, that homosexuals enjoy today.

In the year 2000, we took over a business, bought several homes, both in The UK and abroad, had mortgages, staff, went on two or more holidays a year and generally tried to catch up with the life we had missed, quickly.  I know now we tried to catch up too quickly, with out safeguards, so by 2006, everything came crashing down around us and once again we were left in a precarious position without the security that we so craved!

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As we had done, so many times before, we picked up the pieces of a broken life and began to rebuild.  We had been here in the past so it was time to get on with what we had left.  We sold everything, in order to start a fresh.  I found a new job in the charity sector, Darrell was working and for a few years life was good.  

My 40's

After eight years in the same job, that I loved, working with some extraordinary people, things began to go wrong.  They had been going wrong for a while but just like I hadn't noticed life pass me by, I also had not noticed the beginning of the end for our life in Southampton.  

Someone was using their position to destroy me.  They had decided that I was going to be their latest victim, and I never knew it.  When you trust some one wholeheartedly, you often don´t see the real them. I am lucky to be alive today, having experienced the worst year of my life.  I was warned to forget everything, move away, far away and never return home and forget what had happened to me.  I was not allowed to know the full truth or the list of names involved. I changed my identity in order to once again pick up the pieces and move forward. This time, however, it was the most disturbing of revelations that made me conclude, with legal advice, to leave The UK for good, at least until the people involved are bought to justice, as they should be.  

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Spain

So here I am today, at the age of 44, living with my partner and two friends in Spain.  After the turmoil of the past, enough was enough.  

We had always planned to go and live in Spain one day, just not under these circumstances.  Sometimes, being forced to do something is the only way you will actually bother to do it and I am more happy now, than I have ever been.

Life is harder here it has to be said, but we have each other and the help of friends, both in Spain and of course those in The UK.

I know that one day I will have to return to Britain to help put right what has happened, not only to me but many others.  I look forward to that day, but until then I am happy to be finally living the life I always wanted to lead.  These are indeed very happy days!

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