HIV/Aids - The Truth!

OK, this is going to be hard, but this is a subject very close to myself and Darrell, it haunted our entire life, left a big stain on our relationship and has still never been resolved; it needs to be, in order for closure. People will react to this in different ways. It will hurt some terribly, but this is something I am doing in order to find answers!

In 1993, whilst at University, I met my partner before Darrell.  I wasn't looking for a relationship but this guy had other ideas.  I did not want anything long term, least of all at that point.  We slept together once, and I went back to University life, it was a really hard time for me.  HIV had reared its head, through unprotected sex with numerous guys, I actually can't tell you how many.  Now that one-night stand was getting strange, he was hanging around outside my student digs all the time.  I had only just come to terms with my sexuality, and he would not leave me alone.  The people I was living with were getting concerned, and I was missing lectures and if you have ever felt trapped, then you know how I was feeling!

This is when things went wrong,  I had had enough.  I had no idea what to do, so I told him I had HIV, hoping he would just leave me alone; well that didn't happen.  The stalking got worse, so I caved in.  I was going for a test at the time, which fell by the wayside and  I suppose in my mind I had it and convinced myself and others I had it. To people today, it would sound terrible, but I had no idea, just how bad things would get.  He will hate me for this, but I don't care.  I never loved him or wanted to be with him, he was obsessive, controlling and not the person people thought he was.

We were together for about eighteen months., when in 1995 I met Darrell, left my ex partner and headed for Australia.  This was real love, from the most honest person I have ever met!  After about three months in Australia, the ex phoned.  I was told to sit down; he had had an HIV test and was positive,  I had passed it on and was in bits.  I left Darrell behind to return to The UK, it was the honourable thing to do.  No need for an HIV test now, I had it anyway and was s*it scared.  I am a bit of a coward on the quiet, so just blocked it out, and accepted it without question.  You have to understand, back then it was a death sentence!

My ex remained friends for a number of years, whilst I was with Darrell.  Not sure why the friendship ended, but it did, and we parted ways.  Darrell and I always had safe sex, I certainly didn't want him catching it.  Let me just say we have a Liberal sex life in the past, not all the time, but some of the time!

We were at a party at my Aunts house in Portsmouth.  To be honest they are equally Liberal.  One thing led to another, and we ended up having unsafe sex with my Cousins gay mate. We had a great time, twice I think and thought no more of it.  Then came the call. 'Luke you have given him HIV;'  s*it, not my cousins mate.  Once again I was a mess and Darrell went for a test, as he did on a regular basis, he came back negative.

I'm not sure of the exact circumstances afterwards, but I told him the truth about what happened, and he told me to get a test ASAP.  I had no choice!  The test came back negative; as you can imagine I was shocked.  I had spent the last fifteen years having safe sex with the man I loved, because my ex told me I had given him HIV, and I was too scared to get a test.  Our whole life had just got turned upside down.  15 Years with Darrell, living a lie, I was devastated.

I spoke to a mutual friend of mine and my ex-partners, I was so angry, psychotic if you like.  He admitted that he had lied to me, to get me back from Australia and end our relationship.  There were others involved in the deception, people I knew well and when his plan didn't work, he carried it on as some sort of warped revenge plan.  Now I believe in vengeance, but nothing like this.

I have tried to contact him to find out the truth, but to no avail.  I have no idea if he has HIV or not, I was told not, but I need the truth.  If you are reading this, contact.  That god awful chapter will never be closed, until I have an explanation.  OK, you got me well and good, fine I except that, you just owe me the truth finally.  Yes it still remains with me, It was the reason I continued to have safe sex, because point of fact, you totally f*cked my head up.  I can't come to terms with what happened to Darrell for FIFTEEN years; tell the truth for the first time in your life.  Everyone else has told me it was a lie, now you need to tell me.

Well confession time over, I wait for the abuse.  Do your worst.  If it helps I suffered a lot more, and Darrell the most.  Just another Chapter in MY F*CKED UP LIFE!

Finally, to those of you who spread lies about my status, look at yourselves first.  In time, you may, just may be a victim yourself!

FIN

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