Feelings!

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As an individual, I have always felt it difficult to show feelings, ever since I was a kid. As I got older, it became more and more challenging to express how I felt and to be honest, I really do not know why.  From my point of view, I have never felt an emotional bond with my family.  As a young child, I was always very distant and never felt as loved as other kids,  my own age.  Whether or not this was true, or just in my own head is immaterial, it is the way I felt, and that is partly or in whole the reason I am who I am today.

As I grew older, I found it more and more difficult to express my feelings and emotions.  My life has always been a challenge, even from a young age, following the up's and down's of bipolar and never really achieving a sense of normality, something I always craved.  Due to the rollercoaster ride that was my life, I found it extremely difficult keeping my own state of mind in check.  Many of the emotions I should have been experiencing, were just not happening.  In reality my brain had just shut them down.
 
During the worst periods, while I was suffering extreme highs, or lows, the ability to empathise with anyone else, except myself was impossible.  Bipolar can be extremely selfish at times and whilst experiencing its effects, one does become very inward looking.  My own feelings have always been a bit of an anathema to me, preferring if you like, to deal with the way others felt, helping them instead.

I am a good listener, and have spent a huge proportion of my time, listening to other people, explaining their problems, and asking me what they should do.  That always felt a bit strange, someone asking me for an opinion, when my own life had nothing but problems in it.  I always listened intently, except at those times, when bipolar ruled my thinking and by all accounts gave good advice, it was just not the advice I could take myself.  So whilst others managed to sort their way through their difficulties, mine only seemed to get worse.  Maybe I just spent too much time, dealing with other people's glitches and just not enough time on my own.

Meeting my husband changed the person I was, at least in the short term.  In the beginning, all my emotions just came to the fore, but as is with the story of my life it didn't last forever.  

I have come to the conclusion that Bipolar will affect the way my emotions are regulated, always.  I am fantastic at empathising with other people, noticing the way someone is feeling at any given point and being able to say exactly what others need me to say, to make them feel better.  People have said I am a very calming influence on them, stabilising difficult circumstances, having the strength of character to recognise what should be done, and not being afraid to tell them what to do.  In my own life, at least in the past, nothing could be further from the truth.  In reality, I prefer helping others, rather than helping myself.

I have spent a life time helping others.  I have been an advocate for those with no voice, helping young children through very difficult periods in their lives.  I have given others a free roof over their head, when they need it most.  Whilst they have been experiencing complicated, problematic times, my door has always been open and I have always been there to guide them through dark periods.  I whistle blew on some very dubious people, who were damaging some very vulnerable adults and I have always given money to those who need it, even if I do not have anything myself. My belief is, help others first and don't think about myself.  It was a great way to block out my own perplexities but the energy I used, just added to my own sense of self loathing and did nothing for my own wellbeing, contentment and prosperity!

of all those I have tried to help, over a lifetime, very few have been people in genuine need.  The majority of those I gave too, both physically and emotionally, were charlatans, only one or two ever stuck around in my life.  Whilst I was giving, believing and accepting, they were taking, lying and thieving.  That is the reality, I didn't deal with my own emotions, at the expense of individuals, who's only aim was to take and use me as much as they could.  

Moving to Spain has taught me much about myself and the nature of other people. The last person I tried to help, whilst living here, is most certainly going to be the last.  I will no longer help anyone at my own expense.  The only two people I truly care about is my husband and Jamie.  They are the important bonds in my life and they will both always have my full support.  I need to now, spend my time, doing the things that make me happy and not what other want me to do.  The journey I am now embarking on, over the next six months, in the short term, is my path, the one I will be walking alone. During this period, I need to grow as a person, re-engage with my own emotions, realise what and who are important in my life and stop letting others take advantage of me.  I will use my time now, to write, forge new friendships, help those who really need it, live a good life and become part of a community I love, for as long as I am here.

Spending six months apart from my partner, is not going to be easy.  We have never lived apart for long periods. I can use that time positively or not, that is entirely up to me.  I have realised that Gran Alacant is a great place to live, but it also has an underbelly of people who are particularly bad, just like any place you live in.  I do intent to use this time for good reasons.  I will spend the next six months for myself and find out who I finally want to be and what I eventually want to do.  I intend to look out for Jamie, create a stable home life, that he may or may not need at times, but make sure it is there when he needs it.  

Feelings and emotions are complicated things for me.  I haven't been able to understand mine for a lifetime, so spending the next six months coming to terms with the little messages in my head, is welcome.  Sometimes when you spend every day with someone, especially when you have been going through challenging times, you do become immune to what each other are thinking and suffering.  Six months is not a long time, my Grandfather would spend longer than that at sea, when in the merchant navy, other family members were in the Royal Navy and spent much longer apart from their partners, so for me, this is just a new chapter in my life.  One I will endure positively and a time I will use for reflection and moving forwards to a new and better future, whether in Spain or Australia!

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