Easter Sunday - A time for reflection not renewal!

It's been a very strange Easter Sunday this year. Just my Cousin Emmy and I, sharing a roast, chatting about life. In years gone by, I have been used to a far bigger affair, but with COVID still knocking at the door, all of us have had to make sacrifices for the greater good. The large family gatherings of the past seem a distant memory now, as all of us continue to live our lives under the cloud of a virus, that in many parts of the World, continues to grow exponentially. It was great to sit and chat with Emmy, and I was able to think about the egregious nature of the  last few years in a more calming, focused way.

There is no doubt the times we are living through, are particularly difficult to comprehend, but for Darrell and me, we are well used to turmoil and everything that entails. Today, sat at the kitchen table, I was transported away to another world, which seems a lifetime away.

All of us learn to cope with distressing events in our own way; as a rule, I tend to  write about my thoughts and feelings, it helps me look back at events that most people tend to block out, brush off or not even notice. Then there are rare occasions like today, when I am happy to talk about circumstances that I otherwise wouldn't, but whatever medium I choose, I want to be sure that I am able to process my emotions and understand exactly what is going on.

There is no doubt, I have been feeling pretty down over the last week or so, in fact far more than I usually do, considering my current situation. There is a lot going on around me, changes I am not necessarily comfortable with, and I am longing for a change in direction, which is easier said than done. Trying to change your life in the middle of a pandemic is more than just a little frustrating, it is a nightmare. There is absolutely nothing I can do about the way I feel and have no control over the path I am currently travelling. No matter how hard I try, voice my anger or shout and scream, I don't seem to be able to make myself heard. Today I am beginning to sink into a dark place I have tried so hard to avoid.

Easter signifies renewal and rebirth, and normally it has always set the tone for the rest of the year ahead. Personally, in my life, I see nothing but more of the same; I seem to be going backwards and not in a particularly positive way. This Easter has just shown how tough my life has become, and I am deluded if I think, even for one moment, anything different. My current state of mind and psyche is very difficult to describe, but I get the feeling the World is against me, and I am the one suffering, while everyone else gets away with murder. The reality is, I am not in a good place and I can't do anything to lift myself out of the dark hole I am currently in.

Easter this year, has been yet another occasion where I have been separated from Darrell. With all the other insecurities, my fragile state of mind, self-doubt and general feeling of detachment, I have started to feel downhearted and melancholy, in a way I haven't for many years. For me, these are worrying signs and not something to be ignored.

For now, I am carrying on as normal, aware of my current mindset and fully understand what I have to do to move forwards positively once again. All the time my life is on hold, I can do very little to change the way I feel. I hope I can gradually lift myself enough to shake these feelings of isolation and depression and get back to the person I know I am deep down.

This isn't a very uplifting blog today, but I would be lying to you and myself if I wrote something that didn't reflect the current level of despondency I feel!

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