Do what you feel is right!

When somebody close dies, inevitably we spend time remembering that person, in a way that is unique to us, as individuals.  I used to be pretty sentimental in the past, have many photo's of great times and used to  have a memory box.  A box of things given to me by others, I loved.  In 2005, I spent the whole year scanning, bits of paper and memories into my computer.  It was the only way I would have the courage, to then throw these tangible memories away.  In reality I could not bare to part with them, unless I had a record, somewhere, of their relevance to me!  I never look at these snippets of digital information as a rule, unless times and circumstances dictate otherwise.

We all deal with grief in very different ways and nobody should tell us how to apportion our emotions and feelings, or when the right time is to mourn; grief is a deeply personal sensation. For some there can be an unwillingness to accept what has happened, as they search within themselves, trying to find answers, as to why?  Why him or her? Why now? Why so soon?  This is all perfectly natural.  Others may prefer to just sit and think about that person; quiet contemplation.  I always accept death these days; I have seen plenty of it, especially in recent times.  My own mortality, has also played a factor in how I deal with grief. Immediate forbearance of a situation, is the best way forward for me.  I have spent far too long in life, questioning the why's and wherefores of things and understand more than most, just how fragile life is.

Rather than mourning a death, one should celebrate that person and what they did in life.  The meaning someone has to me, will always be expressed; I am not afraid to have an opinion. I have always believed, that no one, important in our lives, should be forgotten.  As people, we should always remember those who passed before us. There is much to learn from respecting others in life.  This should always be reciprocated in death! Keeping someone's name alive, is extremely important, even if others would rather never talk of them again.

Reaching out to a friend, when  they are alive should be foremost in our actions. I have fallen out with. lost touch and  moved away from, many different people during my lifetime, without a second thought.  To be honest when I was younger I paid less value to friendships, than I do now.  I am a lot more maudlin these days, with higher regard, for those in my life. I lose touch less and appreciate friendships far more. Moving to Spain has taught me about the significance of others.  I have rekindled many old friendships and embrace everyone for who they are, faults and all.  Living in another Country has allowed me to become a sentimental old fool!

Losing a close friend is hard.  In truth replace the word grief with guilt and you will have a small idea about what I and others could be dealing with.  As human beings we should interact more with those we hold dear, but we don't.  We always say the same things when someone dies, yet clearly always make the same mistakes.  When I say 'mistakes', what I truly mean is, we lose touch, lives move on and friendships dwindle.

We should all take care to understand the relevance of those we grew up with, spent time alongside and experienced, cherished memories, shoulder to shoulder.  Our busy lives and that of our friends just tend to get in the way and the natural order of things dictates the eventual outcome.  

There are many people I should reach out to, lots I already have done, more I will in the future and sadly a large number I never will contact again.  Memories are important, especially as I grow older.  For some of those I had the pleasure of knowing, I want to keep those reminiscences alive.  Annie was one of those; we never really lost contact, as such, because that was something neither of us wanted to do.  We did have rough patches, but who doesn't.  Essentially though, as young adults, on a gay scene, finally being who we wanted to be, coming out to the world, breathing a huge sigh of relief, we, all of us, at the time, understood one another.  If I had lost Annie, I would have lost a part of me!

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Just had a root through my disorganised digital memory box, to try and find a few more memories of Annie.  I will certainly post more as time goes on, as I think everyone should.

These memories are very important, mainly because I don't keep these type of things anymore.  I don't have the space and people don't tend to send cards or draw pictures in the same way!
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So, Annie decided to take her own life.  Like many of us, from that time, she suffered from depression and just wanted to be loved and accepted by all those around her. It is difficult growing up on a scene; Southampton's scene was particularly hard!  She was part of a community of individuals battling to survive at a time, when this Country wasn't as liberated as it is now.  Homophobia and abuse was commonplace, but together, like a family we tried. at least, to live together as a unit, looking out for each other.

My enduring memory of her, will be the outrageous outfits she wore.  She even persuaded me to wear net curtain, to The Magnum Club one night, which I duly did. She was a big part of the 90s club scene, as were many of us.  I have many happy memories from that time.  People were different, loved their friends unconditionally and wanted nothing in return.

In the end, I left Southampton and The UK, because the nature of the Gay Scene had changed.  It was no longer a happy place to be, carefree and accepting, it had become a source of many of my problems, like Annie's.  People no longer looked out for one another or stuck up for their friends, they were too worried about their own self gratification.

Annie will be remembered for who she was.  She will forever be that person, in people's hearts.  She was a good, giving and loving human being, who will always be a part of the most memorable time of my life.

Sleep well!

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