Clandestine Words and Jumbled Machinations - The Time Before I 'Came Out!'

It has always amazed me, that gay people have to ‘come out’ and announce their sexual orientation to the rest of the World. A gathering of noteworthy individuals, nibbling canapés, sipping Bellinis offering a well deserved pat on the back, sympathy and a patronising ear. A party of drunken guests, drinking beer, chatting loudly over a booming stereo, voices barely audible over the ever-increasing discordance. Christmas with Mother and Father on a rather festive Saturday evening, whilst watching Larry Grayson's Generation Game on TV - All possible scenarios, for that intimate chat over a cup of tea or something stronger, but none, which apply in my case. A persons sexual preference should not be the subject of gossip, commented on by others, or scrutinised by friends and family, in the hope they can understand what essentially for me was a personal struggle. Every gay man has a ‘coming out’ story to tell, some more dramatic than others - a tragedy in the making, a relief, confirming ones parents worst fears or simply an acknowledgement that maybe, just maybe, they were right all along.

I didn't ‘came out’ in the traditional sense of the phrase; those closest knew I was gay from early childhood – the small boy who from the age of five, preferred deliberating with dolls to a cap gun, holster and Stetson, unless it was appropriately attired with whatever outfit I was wearing at the time. I was always looking in at the rest of the World from the sidelines, muttering to myself, ‘how come I just don’t fit in, why am I so different to my peers?’ My outward happy disposition, hid a dark reality of anxiety and depression that consumed my every waking moment. As I wrestled with my demons and tried to understand the person I really was, I became self-absorbed, diffident and withdrawn

Introspection, self-analysis, a disliking of oneself and a negative outlook on life, dominated those early years as I turned inwards, living the life I always wanted through dreams. An imagination running wild and a veneer of semblance, offered the pretence of a better World. When you live your life in a constant caliginous, suffocating twilight, riotous, rip-roaring distraction, offers the chance to carry on, a raison d'être to wake up each morning and the motivation to thrive and grow! The confusion, self loathing and lack of understanding, was so difficult to quantify, at a time when I should have been relishing my childhood; those testing teenage years. Instead of developing, burgeoning into a rounded, well-adjusted young man, I was becoming a prisoner of my own conscience, unable or unwilling to break free.

Intentionally, I had very few friends at school and did everything to hide my true self, Classmates only saw a small percentage of me, the tiny ten percent, I wanted them to see. I became good at creating distraction, offering an illusion of normality, when there was none. Living more than one life,  I exhibited a mirage of convenience, a smokescreen of conventionality; with the weight of the World on my shoulders, I became old beyond my years.

Alone with my thoughts, I would often retreat into the shadows, learning to meditate for hours on end. Clearing my mind of despondency I would write continuously, with ever-increasing fervour - clandestine words and jumbled machinations, offloading my anger, frustrations and during happier times, my hopes, thoughts and aspirations for the future. Yes I did have constructive days, periods of hope and belief in myself. They may well have been few and far between, but they are the lucky days, those that resonate with my sense of purpose, a reminder that the bad times will eventually pass and light will inevitably overcome the dark. Testing times offer an opportunity to once again explore the trauma of my childhood and remind me, of the contentions I have survived before and will do so again! The journey of life takes many twists and turns, but keeps on advancing, even as we jump off.

My early years, growing up gay have played a pivotal role in the direction I have taken ever since. If I am honest, the period just before I 'came out' is a bit of an enigma; I was so confused and at odds with traditional society, that I was unable to favourably comprehend the feelings I had then. Rather than celebrating my homosexuality, using it as a platform to prosper and mature as an individual, I used it as an excuse to cause unrecoverable damage to myself, especially my mental health and psychological resilience. By the time I reached adulthood, I was so broken and fatigued, consumed with my own troubled life, that I had forgotten who I really was. My sexuality had become a millstone around my neck and I still couldn't see past the stigma, often laid firmly at my door. I understand I'm not the only gay man in the World, but without support and direction, I was left rudderless in a sea full of hate!

Tracing one's footsteps back to my adolescence, I can clearly see where the rot set in. Even as I approach my 50th Birthday, I am still very much a product of that time. Like then, I am able to sit melodiously alone and write my innermost feelings down, only this time for positive reasons. Of course today I am happy with myself, have all the approbation I  need and have finally accepted the mistakes of the past. Unlike thirty, forty years ago, I can reflect honestly about the circumstances of my being and make the best of what I managed to salvage from that period. I may well not have my whole life ahead of me any more, but I can at least try and repair the damage, I carry around with me, even today. My life certainly didn't turn out the way I expected, but it has afforded me the opportunities to reflect, contemplate and ruminate, even if it is a little too much!

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