As 2020 draws to a close, I have been thinking about the difficulties all of us have faced this year. Like most people I have had my own set of unique challenges to overcome, with differing degrees of success. I have definitely worried and stressed far more than usual and I have felt more alone than I ever have, probably since I was a child. Nevertheless, I am one of those lucky people who actually enjoys my own company and doesn’t have a problem spending time alone. This brings me to my blog entry today - ‘Surviving alone’
Lots of people I know have really suffered throughout this pandemic, finding daily life hard. With little or no work, all of us have had a lot of extra time on our hands and many of us have found the lack of stimulation hard to deal with. Most have had families to take care of, children to home school and gardens and homes to tend, as well as the normal daily activities of shopping, trying to keep fit and cooking for each other. For me, life has become tougher because I am not with the person I love. You would think I would be used to this by now, but the reality is, it just doesn’t get any easier to deal with.
I have just got off the phone to Darrell this morning, and we had a rather heated discussion. I suppose I was feeling rather alone and sensitive today, so sternly reminded him that we were ‘still married.’ Up until now, our conversations were upbeat and in truth we never discussed controversial subjects. I made a conscious effort to avoid issues that would make Darrell lose his temper. He has never been confrontational and has always blocked out subjects that caused him anxiety; to an extent I can see why, but it has been a year since we last saw one another and I felt we needed to discuss the seriousness of our situation.
I do feel like I am drifting at the moment, just existing, waiting for something positive to happen which never does. It appears that Darrell and I are on very different paths, pushing further and further apart, singing from incompatible hymn sheets and that is unnerving. We are very different people, with contrasting ideas, but we have always found common ground in our love for one another and desire to work through our many differences. With him living thousands of miles away, we have lost the ‘rationale’ that bound us tightly together and that makes me even more anxious.
Since 2016 our lives have been forking towards unconnected goals in distinctly dissonant countries. Two months after moving to Spain, looking forward to a new adventure, Darrell's Mother was diagnosed with Cancer, and we spent the next few years living apart. Darrell travelled between his Mums home in Western Australia and our home in Spain, time after time. I survived because of the support of friends from the Expat community, who became a major lifeline during this challenging period. They were there for a shoulder to cry on, to have a glass of wine on the terrace with and to offer advice when needed. These people became the family I didn’t have and lifted me up during some very dark days. Living apart from someone after twenty years, because of circumstances beyond your control is hard. Just when you think you have turned a corner, another obstacle is thrown in your path and once again you have to try and manoeuvre your way around it. Life becomes demanding, days seem longer and thoughts turn negative.
Despite our situation, we always knew we would be together again, even if we spent seven months apart. Planning for the future and discussing life after illness was a catalyst for positivity. On the days when I felt down, I was always able to force myself out of the doldrums, by focussing on the positive aspects of our relationship, that would surely follow. The old saying that love conquers all, was a statement I have never used so often during that period, always clinging on to hope in a World falling apart around me. This was a time I wrote, more than I ever have done and analysed my every mood, desire and fear; writing allowed me to express myself in a way I couldn’t otherwise. These were years that taught me much about myself and surviving with little or no money; this was a period of change and character building, making me the person I am today – frugal, astute, wiser and mature, all traits I had lacked before.
The new life we had worked so hard to achieve in Spain, applying for residencia and becoming a Spanish resident, had all turned to dust. On the day I left Spain for the last time, I was glad to be on my way, not because I disliked Spain, but because of the circumstances that surrounded my departure. If you ask anyone I knew at the time, they will testify as to my desire to integrate into Spanish life and really make a fresh start; the day I flew home, reinforced my failure for a dream that never materialised.
Today, nearly five years after we left for Spain, I am still living through the turmoil and upheaval that illness has wrought on our relationship. Four years on, Darrell's Mother is still battling cancer, and he is still in Australia, only this time, unable to return to the UK when he wants; this is a scenario that is beginning to impact my psyche and I have got to a point where I want my husband home, despite knowing that will not happen anytime soon.
It sounds selfish doesn’t it, wanting Darrell to return home because you miss them, yet in reality their place is with their Mother, who is suffering from Cancer. I can only say that as we move into 2021, I feel my life has been put on hold for long enough and I need to get back the sense of purpose I lost a lifetime ago.
I don’t think Darrell was particularly happy with certain aspects of my argument. We both find ourselves in a very precarious situation and arguing about events that now engulf our life is not the necessarily helpful today. After all neither of us can change what is happening in the World, despite negatively impacting on our own personal positions, which remain uncompromising. However, we still have to discuss matters that continue to shape our direction and I make no apologies for doing so.
As a couple, we will survive this period, because ultimately we have the same goal in life, to be together, happy and content, living the life, we both still dream about. The journey getting there is likely to remain bumpy for now, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight for the uneasiness we are living through and I foresee a rocky future in the medium term. Until we get the answers we need from officials, we will have to continue fighting in the dark. The Home Office remain quiet, unable or unwilling to give us answers; solicitors are still very much oblivious as to what cause of action is best and borders remain closed. As the COVID vaccines begin to roll off the production line and the World begins to open up, we are planning a May reunion together, unless once again circumstances dictate otherwise, only time will tell!
