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    Looking for Inspiration!

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    It's been a week since Precious died; a week I would rather forget. Obviously, I am still missing my cat of twelve years, as is Lily, who I have spent the last seven days looking after. I am finding it much easier to deal with now, although Lily is still finding it hard, constantly on edge, looking round the house for her friend. On top of this loss, I have also been very ill, flu in the main, a product of being run down.  Today i have been left with a chest infection.

    I haven't left the house in over a week now, since Darrell flew out of Spain. I don't mind telling you, how stir crazy I feel.  A little over a week ago, I was happy enough, surrounded by friends, today I am sat here on my own.  I don't have a problem, spending time on myself and enjoy my own company from time to time, but as is the story of my life, there is never a happy medium, a middle ground! So a period on my todd it is, so be it!

    I don't cope well when Darrell leaves Spain, which isn't great for my state of mind and actually makes me want to turn my back on this God damn Country. Every day that goes by in this place, just pushes me towards the door marked 'Salida'. I don't want to go into detail about why, but I am missing home now, the life I had, stability, friendships and the future. Maybe I didn't appreciate Britain, enough when I lived there, but after the year I have had in Spain, I certainly would appreciate it now.

    It is true, my feelings for Spain go up and down negatively and positively all the time, depending on where I am emotionally at any given point. I can't fault Gran Alacant and the people who live here, they have been nothing but open and welcoming. What I am not enjoying is the lack of freedom I have here, compared to the UK.  I dislike relying on anyone, yet have had to rely more on people in Spain, than I ever have anywhere else. I really, just want my independence and life back; something I currently don't have.

    Yes I am still down in the dumps and at a low ebb; I need to write about how I am feeling, everyday if I have to; it helps comes to terms with the difficulties I face. There are those people out there, who would say, 'buck your ideas up and just get on with it!' To them, I would say.....Live a day in my shoes, then utter those words again. Your life is nothing like mine; I was forced into the situation and in the main, have had a harder time here than I ever had in the UK.

    Of course my situation could change at any stage, I am very well aware of that, nevertheless this blog entry, has to reflect how I am feeling now, Today! I have been better, a lot better.

    Well tomorrow is another day, lets hope for some positive news for a change, if not, I shall probably be writing more of the same, or nothing at all.  For now, I'll just keep my fingers crossed and keep hoping!

    ​Peace and love y'all!
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    Stress Relievers!

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    ​Things that make me feel content and secure!

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    I've had a lot of insecurity in my life, especially over the last few years; from this comes a certain level anxiety, which  can be very difficult to cope with. Today, myself and Darrell are going through tough times; not because of us, as a couple; we couldn't be stronger, rather the circumstances that currently surround us. Life is very challenging at the moment, for a variety of different reasons; as a worrier, I tend to dwell on the negative, rather more than I should.  For me it is a natural reaction.  I will constantly analyse a situation, trying to find a conclusion to our current state of well being. Over this last week, I have slept very little, as Darrell left Spain yet again; part of a process, we need to go through, in order to secure a decent future in the long term.

    I cope with difficulties in very different ways.  My first, natural reaction, is to shut myself away.  I have always followed this course of action, ever since I can remember. I shut out the World and ignore everyone and everything going on around me.  If you like, I bury my head in the sand and hope things will go away.  In reality, they never dissipate and will always be there, until I recognise their significance and deal with the ramifications. Time out, doesn't really hurt anyone; picking up the pieces, that will still be there tomorrow, can always wait another day or two.

    I do have many other coping mechanisms, learned, from taking a close look at myself as a person, offering reassurance, reducing anxiety and taking me to a far better place.  

    Today for example, I have been feeling particularly low, especially after suffering this prolonged illness, so have been doing all the things needed to bring me back into the land of the living. Firstly spending time with Lily, my surviving cat. Cats are very sensitive creatures, Lily no exception; a relaxing day spent with a fury friend, purring into ones ear, is not only relaxing, but also therapeutic.  We both need each others company, especially now.  It has helped her and me alike. Precious herself, first came into my life in 2005, as a way of helping me get over a long illness; it or rather she worked amazingly well.  Having something or someone to take care of, does take ones mind off ones own problems, that can only be a good thing.

    Watching certain television programes also helps relieve anxiety and stress; two in particular, the first is 'The Antiques Roadshow' This show literally takes me back to an altogether better time; anything that looks to the past, seems to be a great healer for me. I do as a person, take great comfort in history, turning a time of anxiety into a period of reflection, about events that have shaped my life. 'The Antiques Road Show' is a British institution, I was always brought up watching, ever since I was a child, so it does have great memories for me; not necessarily the items being appraised on the show, but the show itself as well as looking back at family time, spent watching it on a Sunday. Family memories are indeed happy memories.

    Another show, that helps me to relieve the pressures, I suffer, from time to time, is a little more difficult to explain; 'Star Trek Voyager!' This series of the popular Star Trek series, hit our television screens, around the same time, Darrell and myself began our relationship together; a happy time! I am of course a big fan of anything Space or alien related and read or watch UFO material all the time. My belief in alien life, is comforting.  It tells me their is something else out there, just as I believe there is something else, after we die and of course my belief, that although things may be bad today, they wont always be in the future.  I've also always wanted to travel to Space, as I believe we all do, when we eventually leave this mortal coil; 'Start Trek Voyager' is based on a concept, that I believe will one day, become reality; looking towards all our futures! 

    Of course the biggest stress reliever for me, is probably writing. It doesn't matter what is going on in my life, or even how bad it is, writing will always allow me to escape, to wherever I want to go, normally as far away as possible.  I do  find, writing about the worrying aspects of my journey,  a great way of dealing with any negative impacts. Writing allows me to face, head on, any circumstances, no matter how hard they are. When I look back to why I started to write in the first place, I can see  behaviour traits, that have allowed me to explore my own patterns of thought over the years.  As a child, I started writing, from about the age of ten, to escape  a World of bullying. I used to write about wondrous places, happy times, positive manifestations, completely different, from what was, the norm, at that time. Today I still write, but it does not detract from the harsh realities around me. Today my writing includes, the worst aspects of life.  One day I will write about the good things  again, just not yet!

    All of us, have our own unique ways, of dealing with stress and anxiety.  I may chose different things to you, but I desire the same outcome; an escape from the reality of life, that at times, can be too much to bear.  Today, I am writing this blog entry, because it helps me forget the death of my cat Precious; it also keeps my mind active, during a very inactive period of my life. As long as you have something to remove yourself from a painful situation, even for a minute, you can be sure, of picking up the pieces, once more. If you never escape, you may never pick up those pieces again!
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  • Published on

    Sickness!

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    ​Firstly, I want to apologise, for not blogging for the last four or five days. That in itself is unusual for me. As a blogger I have always made a point of writing, at least once a day. These past few days, have not been, what I would describe as great or happy; I have been in no capacity to even consider blogging.

    When Precious died, this week, it really knocked the stuffing out of me. This house is full of memories and it is not the best place to be, in order to get over the death of your life long pet. Lily, has also been pining terribly. I am having to look out for her, more than ever now. She is old, about fourteen years to be exact, and has spent the last ten years of her life, living with us and having Precious as her companion. Her behaviour at present is showing signs of concern; she is not coping well, with the loss of her friend. I can hear the comments of people reading my blog now; ‘she was just a cat, what’s your problem?’ Precious may well have been ‘just a cat’, but she was part of our family. We do not have children, like most people, so our animals are our kin folk. I have taken it quite badly myself. I didn’t enjoy, having to watch my cat die in front of me; for me it was a harrowing experience.

    ​After returning from the vets, I fell sick, with what I thought was just a cold; I soon discovered it was Spanish flu; the same thing I contracted, the first year I arrived in Spain; it’s horrible, I have never had flu, like it.

    For the last four days, I have been really ill; I haven’t eaten or left the bed. Today is the first time, I have managed to come downstairs and even now, I am not feeling good. In all honesty, I think I have been so run down recently, with everything that has been going on in my life, the death of my cat, Darrell leaving Spain once again and worry whether or not Lily will survive, that it has all caught up with me. If I ever thought moving to Spain would be easy, I was most certainly wrong.
    Spain was of course, the only option we had available to us, at the time, we made the decision to leave; I would have preferred the right of self determination, that wasn’t to be.

    Since moving here, it does seem I have been more unwell, than I ever have been in my life. In the UK, I was never really ill at all. My own anxiety and stress, has reached levels, I am not comfortable with. As an individual I don’t like to be at the mercy of others, as I have been here. Nothing comes quickly in Spain and the waiting has taken its toll on me physically. I have been left in a country I barely know, during extreme hardship, when all I really wanted to do, was go home. The pressure of every day life is going to cause problems with health in the end!

    Once again I have been left with a severe chest infection: I feel warn down and battered. I am not enjoying this experience at the moment and feel like my life is on hold, while everyone else is continuing to move forwards. I will not keep taking everything that is thrown at me, forever; none of us are indestructible; no man can live on hopes and dreams alone.  
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    Spending time with Lily!

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    It's been a little over 24 hours since Precious was put to sleep. Knowing how difficult, these first few days are, for other cats, in a family unit, I have spent the day, spoiling Lily; giving her reassurance and a lot of love; care and cuddles.

    Lily has been looking for her companion, all day; starting to become a bit anxious, at her disappearance.  There is very little I can do, to make things easier for her, I just have to be there as much as possible, playing with her and taking on the role, Precious once had.

    Currently, she is asleep between my legs, under a cover, as I blog this entry. I am obviously concerned for her welfare at the moment. Keeping her active will help her readjust to the present situation.

    I am also very upset, by what has happened.  It will take time for all of us to accept the loss of a cat, who was in our lives for 12 years.
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    Cat Video's!

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    Still sorting through old memories of Precious and came across these group of videos, from 2005/2006, of all three of our cats.  Looking through these, has helped me, come to terms with the death of Precious!
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