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In true Spanish style, I made the Sunday Roast today, making extra roasties for the freezer. Cheaper, more economical, the Spanish way. Learning to cook as the Spanish do, has been an experience; one I am very grateful for!
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If somebody was to ask me, for one word that sums up my life, that word would be 'STRUGGLE'. So many people I know, just sail through life, like nothing matters. For me it has been very different; today, as I write this, it is another prime example of why my life is so different to other people's. The situation I find myself in, is not ideal. Struggling to restart my life, in a foreign country, without my partner, with no money, is probably the biggest challenge thus far, apart from the reasons that brought me here in the first place. As I lay in bed last night, I was trying to think about these testing times and whether or not there was any pattern to them happening.
From an early age, wrestling with sexuality, I found everything difficult to cope with. Not being able to talk to someone, about the most important aspect of one's life, is hard. Things are not, as they are now, with someone to talk to, at the end of a phone. There was no access to anyone. Consequently, one does tend to deal with everything oneself. Early on, as a teenager, I probably made the decision to be independent, stand on my own two feet and just get on with life; no emotion, no anger, just a rejection of other people. After all, they were not going to be there for me, when it mattered, only I could do that. I became very independent, but all the while craved for some help or guidance in my life. There was absolutely no one, to be there for me.
Despite having friends, some of whom knew about my sexuality, it was a very lonely time and between 1987 and 1995, when I met Darrell, I really struggled with life. It wasn't just sexuality I wrestled with, it was everything, every single, damn thing! I couldn't manage money, found forming friendships difficult, I writhed at social situations and most debilitating of all I suffered with depression and anxiety, which of course made situations worse. All the while, I talked to no one. Remember, I came from that time, where we didn't speak about our problems.
When I met Darrell, I felt low, didn't understand myself or who I was and at the end of my tether. To be honest, I believed my life's problems would just go away after meeting my new partner, but if anything they got worse. I had spent so long blocking out my feelings, that when I found someone I loved, I just couldn't open up, as a person any more. That really affected our relationship and made our endeavours doubly hard. I carried on acting as though I was single, believing, I had to deal with my problems and issues, when in fact Darrell could have helped me far more than I realised.
Our time together has always been hard, From day one, sexuality and Nationality presented unique complications that were difficult to overcome. Even today, after 21 years together, we are separated because of these obstacles. They will never be resolved in our lifetime. Our fight was different to most; Bipolar also compounded these difficulties, exacerbating the 'cons' in our life further. For me, I just wanted an easy ride for a change, but it just never happend. Something worse always rears its ugly head, and we are thrown off track, from brief periods of success. In all honesty, this has much more to do with other people than ourselves. During successful times, we seem to collect the worst people in our life, only there to take. When the money dries up, they are gone again. So although we have enjoyed these good, productive times, I actually prefer the periods of inaction, because we are the only two battling to get through the hard times; there is nothing to take and people tend to keep their distance.
I often sit quietly at home, thinking to myself; Why have other people got it so easy? What did I do wrong to deserve the constant battling? When will we finally be happy and not have to go through all the hurdles we have too? These are all perfectly normal reactions and thoughts to what I consider to be an abnormal life. Now here's the thing, I have been waiting to get at. I have spent a lot of time thinking, speaking to people, as I am allowed to now and forming my own conclusions, about just how bad my life really is. Even as I write these thoughts down, I am coming to further revelations about my way of thinking.
OK, so I haven't had an easy life, far from it, but has it really been that bad? I have struggled far more than my friends and those I went to School or University with, but is it really any worse than what others go through. A part of this problem, is of course me. I believe I am the author of my own destiny, and I have got myself to where I am. Point blank, it is my fault. This is a blog entry about feeling sorry for oneself, as I do from time to time. It is also an entry about realisation. Words on a screen teach us lessons, as this has. Compared to ninety percent of the World, my life is good. I have a roof over my head and wonderful friends, a little money in my pocket and plans for the future. OTHERS DON'T! I am also relatively healthy, OTHERS AREN'T! Above all I have a happy, long lasting relationship, OTHERS ARE STILL LOOKING!
As I am typing, that bloody programme 'Escape to the Country', has come on. People with too much money, looking to buy an expensive house, with more space than they need, while others go hungry. This is just a show about excess and greed. I used to watch it all the time; in envy, and wish I had what these people could afford. There, I've turned it over now; I will never have their sort of money and have no idea why I continue to watch it, force of habit I guess. When I look at the people who are buying these places, I often believe how easy their life is, or has been. I don't actually know that, it is just something I believe and assume. They may well have struggled like me and worse, who knows!
So Have I really struggled? Well compared to those I know, yes, undoubtedly; far more than my family ever have, far more than most of my friends and far more than the majority of people I know and converse with today; but no, I haven't struggled so much compared with most! We all want life to be a little bit easier, but the fact life was hard for me, has taught me a great deal. It gave me independence, self reliance, morals and a sense of what is right and wrong. I never take from others, always give, help those who need it, still accord to charity and always, always put others first. That can't be bad, can it. So my life is not the worst, but until I start writing these blog entries, I never really know how they are going to end. I expected to whinge and whine, woe is me and say how bad it has been, but actually I can't. I've enjoyed every minute of it, wouldn't change it for the World!
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Just got off the phone to someone who works at the charity I used to. They got my number from 'Spanish Views'. Sadly they are suffering the same situation, I did, just over a year ago; caught me by surprise a bit. I've given as much advice as I can. I really do hope that one day, very soon, this charity is brought to justice!
These kind of blogs do work. I have been writing about my experiences, at the hand of Sociopaths for nearly two years now; the response has been more than I could have ever expected. In reality, I thought I was alone, suffering at the hands of some terrible individuals; nothing could have been further from the truth. Sociopaths exist in every walk of life; charming and agreeable, on the surface, wonderful people to know. This is why, when the truth finally comes out, their victims find it very hard to cope with. In many cases they try and take their own lives. The revelations can be that harmful.
In my case, I never fully understood or knew the extent to which these people infiltrated my life. I was told of the damage it would cause, if I became aware of the full truth. At present I ignore the information I have, as I try and rebuild my life. I do want to know, exactly what happened eventually, but I understand, how difficult it is at the moment. I have still not fully recovered from the horrendous disclosures, confirmed to us recently. Time is a great healer. As I make a last attempt to close this awful chapter in my life, I will have to face up to some utterances that I may not wish to hear. With closure comes the truth, so everything must be brought out in the open.
I understand the pain this person is going through, because I still relive it every day, myself. Every night I close my eyes, I see the faces of those who caused and are still causing so much pain to others. I am obviously no longer scared. Let them do their worst; my feelings are complete revulsion and anger, that a charity would allow its employees and volunteers cope with all the violations and indignities that are a part of sociopathic behaviour. These are terrible people, who should be brought to justice, but it seems the reputation of this organisation is more important than life itself. What a terrible World we live in, that a group of Managers and Trustees would allow this inexcusable behaviour to continue.
My heart does go out to you. Please continue to read my other blogs, where you will also find a list of helplines and groups who can help. You can of course ring me anytime you wish, if that helps.0034 657 51 55 32
It is very difficult living with the fact, you were the victim of a Sociopath. There is very little information on the subject and even fewer qualified people you can speak to, but there are a few out there. Please be careful, who you choose to talk with, because it is also a sad fact, that Sociopaths will infiltrate these helplines and groups, to cause even more harm to victims.
It hasn't ended for me, not by a longshot, but I can, at least, today, give advice to others experiencing what I and many more of my colleagues did. You will get stronger, as time progresses. Until then, take as long as you need, to get well again and recover, at least a small part of the person you once were. ALWAYS REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT GUILTY OR RESPONSIBLE. WHAT YOU BELIEVE TO BE HAPPENING, IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF!
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I have written about friends and the nature of friendships before; more times than I care to remember, but in this blog entry I wanted to write about some new/old friendships from times gone by.
When I moved to Gran Alacant, I was told it would make or break friendships, which, actually, yes it has. Many of those I left behind, remain silent, not even uttering a word, since we emigrated. Now personally I have always wondered why this happens, but as a friend in Spain told me, it is a natural progression. The ones who are not there any longer, surprise me; some, although not all, were at our Wedding last year, yet today, eight months on, I haven't heard a single word from them. I can only assume, that by leaving, there is no longer any gain for the other part of any friendship. In reality, these attachments were never really of any significance, and maybe, as is usual with me, I saw more in them, than there actually was,
One also must remember, my views on friendships are very different to most. I believe in true loyalty and bonds, not false back stabbing pretence. Most people, as I am fully aware, are shallow and only out for self gratification, until they find something better; Fact of life! Moving abroad is a big step; you will drift away from many people, but some of those who practice ignorance were important people in my life, if not in theirs. Of course that hurts, but I am a resilient person, who will overcome their connection and continue to move forwards, not backwards, where these people tend to lurk! God that sounds a bit bitter doesn't it. Well it was meant to be; forming friendships is about give and take. I spent all my life giving, getting very little in return, receiving even less now; I am bitter!
Things are not all bad however. Since moving to the Costa Blanca, there have been a few notable surprises. There are some people back in my life, who were and are again very important. I knew most of them at very different, emotional and, yes, equally distressing periods of my life. Under normal circumstances our friendships would have lasted, the test of time. When you are living through difficult periods, friendships are that much harder to keep hold of. Today I just wanted to mention a few of those, who got away and are now firmly back as cohorts and companions.
I met Dom in 2003, after going through a Bipolar relapse. As my business collapsed, myself and Darrell ended up moving in with this guy. My relapse and state of health gradually got worse; Dom was always there for both of us at that time. Eventually myself and Darrell moved permanently to our holiday home in Barnoldswick, Dom came with us. Everything went well for a short while, but as my health deteriorated further, so did our friendship. This is one person I always missed. We had some great, memorable times together, always getting into trouble and enjoying life for what it was, never taking anything seriously. We have now regained what we lost and it feels great to have him back!
Another mate, met in difficult times was Nathan, Like Dom, we were inseparable for a while, always enjoying each others company. He was always a trouble free, guest in our house, Gay Capri. Nathan was very different from others we knew. He never took anything and was always there to help. He was a joy to have around. I really can't say how much I enjoyed spending time with him; we had many, many days of fun and in the main, they were good times. Our friendship, really ended because of others people's influence. Trouble makers, always want to get in the way of others happiness and they did their best, to do just that. Nathan is back, and I am loving talking to one of the closest friends I ever had!
It has been great talking to Justin once again also. Our friendship was always passionate, lets say. We never saw eye to eye on much. Justin annoyed me as much as he made me happy, but these make for the best friendships. Justin has been in constant contact since we moved here, far, far more than the ones, we expected to stay close. He has been more supportive than anyone else I can mention. It is testimony to our volatile relationship, that we once again got in contact. These are the bonds I enjoy the most.
It has been good to also speak to Gavin once again, who has always been in my thoughts. We had a close relationship, but also one of the most destructive, which is why it had to end. It is wonderful knowing he is back though. I am only sorry I can't be there for him right now. A brief mention to Timmy; who I spoke about in my blog a few weeks back; I am extremely happy to call him a friend once again. I went through so much with this person, living with him and enjoying some great, some not so great but always memorable times. This is one man, I would give my last €uro too, though in my circumstances, that is highly unlikely to happen!
There are many others who are back. I am pleased they are in my life once again. I often laugh, thinking, they are back, because I am far enough away, as to not cause too much trouble. Whatever the reasons, friends are important; life would be all the more bland and meaningless without them. The one thing I have learned over the years, is to accept everyone for who they are. That's exactly what I'm doing; building bridges with those I love and securing the best network of friends I have ever had!
