Our Jamie, getting ready for another hard day at work!
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Yesterday I heard from an old friend. We met at college in Fareham in 1987. I was studying Business and Finance at the time, One of those many mistakes I made in life, studying a subject I could not stand. I was never business minded, always a complete dreamer and in truth had a bit of a creative streak, no logic, but a lot of willpower. I chose the subject, because that is what everyone was doing at the time. It was the done thing in the 1980s. Margaret Thatcher as Prime Minister, deregulation in the stock market, everyone was going to make millions of pounds out of thin air. As I know now, nothing could be further from the truth. I had a great time at college, spending time doing homework in the local pub, The Admiral Cunningham and late nights at the Cuckoo Pint, a hostelry we frequented often. They were happy years, growing into an adult, finding my way in life and usually failing at the first hurdle, which has been the story of my life ever since.
My friend, Nathan, and my own life, followed very different paths. Nathan was successful in every sense of the word, following a career path, that would turn him into a very efficacious guy, certainly in my book. My life followed what I can only call, an 'eternal student' road, completely the opposite to that of Nathan. Despite our different choices, backgrounds and levels of success, we always managed to stay in touch, seeing each other whenever we could. I attended both of his Weddings and in all but name, he was like a brother to me. It was nice dipping in and out of normal life, staying with Nathan, at his home in London and Nathan, also spent time, with myself and husband, experiencing our rather alternative reality. Homosexuality was never an issue with him and no matter how ill I had been in the past, he was always supportive and there if I needed anyone. Like most 'blokes', neither of us really issued a cry for help, it just isn't the done thing!
In 1995, my life changed suddenly, when I met Darrell, leaving Britain for Australia, with just the clothes on my back. It was one of those life defining moments, that made me as a person, though at the time, it was traumatic for all those involved. At the same time, Nathan was going through his own issues, turning up on a doorstep, of a house I no longer lived at. I had gone, at a time when he needed someone. I do feel guilty about that, but like everything in life, things moved on. As people we both embarked on new paths, following, once again, very different tracks.
There were periods, when we both, as friends, lost contact, but always found each other in the end. No matter how long we didn't see one another, when we did, we always carried on our relationship, from where it left off. That is the mark of true and genuine friendship.
During my recent relapse and subsequent Marriage, Nathan was conspicuously absent. I wanted him at my Wedding, as he attended my 'Rite of Blessing' in 1998. Although he agreed, suddenly, as my relapse got worse, he disappeared and wasn't there. I assumed it was because of my illness, accepted it and moved on, not wanting to dwell on the reasons why.
When I received his message yesterday, I don't mind telling you, I didn't want to read it. When you have been that close with someone, I was afraid about what he might say. Nathan has always been honest with me and I was expecting him to lambast me, after what happened last year. Although not my fault, I still did not want to have a reminder of that time and do still feel ashamed about what transpired. Often the person being bullied or attacked, does feel shame, that was just how I felt.
Nathan explained what had happened to him and what he had been experiencing. Once again, just like in 1995, at the same time as me, he was going through his own uncertainties. I was upset and sad for what he had suffered. I should have guessed that something had happened, but I was so wrapped up in my own drama, I couldn't see past my own selfishness. I explained the circumstances that brought myself and Darrell to Spain and Nathan was equally shocked. I mean who wouldn't be, it is a shocking story.
When I got home from work, I continued to message. Give or take, Nathan knows now, what I went through. Not everything, because some things are very difficult to write down and should only be done on a phone or in person. Since I am not returning to Britain any time soon, I am sure we will make that call in the future.
Since my accord with close family has fractured, my connection with friends are important. Nathan is important to me for many reason, least of all, because our friendship has endured over three decades and despite what has happened in both our lives, we have always managed to be there for each other, even if it isn't at the most appropriate time. I am glad he is back in my life. Once again the past is just that, the past and I just hope we manage to maybe see each other in the future, even though I am living in Spain. From what I gather, he is now happy and content, rather like me. That is the most important outcome, from what both of us, have borne in recent times. Happy to have you back mate! -
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Each and everyone of us has a passion in life. Some of us have several, and others have yet to discover what theirs is. From an early age, my passion was writing. I used to spend my time writing at school, mainly comedic pieces, based on people I knew. I have always been interested in others and enjoy the company of all those I meet, even though any friendship may well be short lived. Everyone has a view about life, that is equally as valuable as anyone else's. These are the things I like to write about. Individuality is the most precious thing we have. we should never give up our beliefs, morals and sense of purpose. It is important we preserve, who we are at all costs. If we are forced to change, by anyone other than ourselves, you can be sure it will not work, for long.
I have always been an individual in every sense of the word. My views on life are not commonplace and I choose to follow my own path. Whilst my friends and family were building careers , conforming to society and settling down, I was suffering the turmoil of a same sex relationship, with a foreign national, that wasn't allowed to remain with me, in my home country. My focus changed from ambition to survival. You see many people, sat in their glass houses, have dared to pass comment on my life, when they had never had to suffer the indignity of fighting a system, just to stay with their partner, under conditions, that were quite frankly, draconian.
As a couple we spent years trying to navigate through the mayhem, that was tipped in favour of a Government who were in reality homophobic. That turns you against a country that you were brought up to respect. Our relationship was rejected officially as well as abused by people who did not want to accept that gay people existed. As a couple you find there is very little you can do about your circumstances and spend your time fighting on all fronts to preserve what you have.
People take advantage of those in relationships, at least that is my experience. Unhappy people see others commitment and contentment as an excuse to interfere and in more extreme cases, try and split up, what they do not have. I have been with Darrell for over 21 years and at every juncture in our life together, there has been someone who has gained influence over us as a couple and used it to their advantage. My poor judge of character, has allowed that to happen, every single time. The lies, bitterness and disrespectful nature of individuals, who had nothing better to do with their time, so used it to try and destroy others lives. I could name each and everyone of these people, right here, right now, but they already know who they are. They were in our life, even over here, right up until recently and that is the story of us.
Today I have removed the last stumbling block to our continued happiness. I didn't keep this person hanging around for long. Once recognised, they were swiftly removed. In that respect, I have learned much, from the last twenty or so years. The key to a successful relationship, now, is for me and my husband to take back our lives, before somebody takes it away from us. Rumours, lies and gossip are really just that. It doesn't particularly mean anything, except to those who spread words, made up in their own heads. As everyone knows, when you shout loud enough, sometimes mud sticks, so it is important to make it clear, just how wrong, distasteful, immature and damaging people can be. They need to be outed for who they are and told, just where to get off.
Moving to Spain was about Darrell and myself taking back control of our life. We made the choice very early on to move away and restart our life, after others had tried to take it away. Others controlling influences were really intense. In extreme cases, as happened with us, it took over our whole existence. Regaining what you once had is important. Only you can recognise what has been lost, then you can remove those who have sort to remove your soul. For me at least, Spain has given me back my self worth. I have pulled out all the stops to make a new life here, without reservation. I set my own goals on day one, when I arrived and I have achieved all of them. I will not be giving up my life in Gran Alacant anytime soon, because this is now my home and I am happy with it.
Darrell has had a much more difficult time of it here. He has not settled into expat life, as well as myself. The biggest stumbling block for him, was the fact he was still dealing with issues, that followed him to Spain, from his previous employer. He had been left dangling by one of the worst employers I have ever known. Their treatment of us, through the worst of circumstances was horrendous. Whilst myself and Jamie were networking, finding jobs and meeting new friends, Darrell was still made to endure, the rigors of others behaviour that was basically obscene. Our relationship suffered during this time, but I was at least finally well enough to take charge of both our lives and battle my way through the Spanish system, finally feeling comfortable and happy where I am today. Things were looking up and both of us could finally see through the darkness.
Circumstances changed quickly for us, when we discovered Darrell's Mother was ill, very ill. Yet another problem we had to deal with, but one that only we could make. Initially Darrell was going back to Australia for a few weeks, but after discussing the situation we have decided that would not be long enough. Darrell will be spending six months in Australia, working and sending money back to Spain. You can earn a lot more money there than here. This is not an ideal arrangement for us, but after a lifetime together, it is one that we are well able to sustain for as long as necessary. It will allow me to concentrate on my writing career, get a part time job and spend six months travelling when Darrell returns home at Easter. I have discovered many people have very similar arrangements, out here. Spain's saving grace is its low cost of living and lifestyle. It is an ideal base for us. The money Darrell can earn in Australia, will ultimately, in a short number of years, be used to buy a home and finally live happily in a place we have both grown to love.
As is usual with us, plans will probably change, but at least for now, we have made choices and will see them through. This time next year, things may well be different, but for now, we at least know the path we are following! -
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Working with my gay daughter, Jamie today. It's a good job we get on with each other, living and working with each other. Jamie is a great guy! In all but name, he is like a son and I will do all I can to look out for him. We had a row, the other day, only over a certain person, who should have never come here. I don't want to see Jamie get hurt, because despite what he says, like us all he does feel pain.
I am proud of him, for all he has achieved and am very happy he will be living with me, when Darrell leaves for Australia. We have both been in some scrapes together, and now the two of us, have to fend for one another. What the outcome will be, I am not sure. Jamie's homesickness seems to have all but disappeared over the last three weeks. He appears happier and more comfortable with where he is.
The biggest achievement for me, living in Spain, will be seeing Jamie change and grow into a stable, able and successful young man. He has come a long way and will always enjoy our support, because he deserves the help and encouragement from people who care about him, not just want him for his money, or a free ride, as has happened in the past!
True friends should always support each other. Jamie supported us, over here and we have always supported him. He has a likeable personality and people just want to take him under their wing. He grafts hard, takes from no one and never says a bad word against others, even when they deserve it.
Jamie will do well in Spain, because he knows how much he has changed. He is aware of his destiny if he stays here, future if he does well and what will happen if he returns home. Compared to many of those we left behind, he had the guts to do, what none of them could. That will always make him a success in my book!
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Like most people who live in a small village, you do expect to become the subject of gossip and lies, once in a while. Sometimes it comes from the lips of those closest to you. Gran Alacant is a small place. Whatever people say, will get back to you, through those who live here. Rumours about anyone, are wrong.
Many people have come here to start a new life, away from those who have caused them great harm in the past. Most enjoy the opportunity to rebuild themselves, without the memories that brought them to this place, lingering for long! There are a few, however, intent on destroying themselves and those they call friends. People who have opened their hearts and homes to others are by nature very forgiving, just not forever!
I have discovered, over the years, that you can not help people on self destruct. I am proud of myself, Darrell and Jamie for all we have done, to integrate into this fantastic community. There are those, who need to look deep into themselves, and see the darkness within. Happiness is about living your life to the full and not going out of your way to cause pain for people, who's only fault was to trust you and your motives!
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Life never turns out the way you plan. Our fate changes on a daily basis. Each choice we makes, determines our future. We are lucky to have options during our journey. Living in a new country, has made us rethink our outlook. A home in Spain and a home in Australia. Living in one place and working in another.
We are doing what we have to. Earning money in one place, to fund our home in Spain. Living apart, to ensure we forge a new path, that will allow us to be comfortable, content and happy with our choices.
When you live through testing times, the decisions we are making today are easy. Thinking outside the box, because we no longer have to conform to what others demand!