- Published on
-
-
- Published on
All the photo's I took of Precious, while living in Spain, right up until the day before she died; God bless her!
-
- Published on
I have just finished writing an article for June’s copy of the Gran Alacant Advertiser; without going in to too much detail, it was one of those subjects that was getting me angry. The more I wrote, the more passionate and annoyed I was getting. Not necessarily a good thing, when trying to write a non bias column in a magazine, but I did my best. After kicking the kitchen wall with my foot, probably breaking my little toe, I am just more wound up than ever now. I thought I would channel that anger into my blog today!
There are many, many things that get me angry; cruelty to animals, poverty, husbands, Donald Trump, the list is endless, but I don’t want to write about these things, I want to discuss ‘anger’ itself and how I cope with it, as a person. If you asked my partner, he would probably tell you, I am a very antagonistic person, but then I would probably say the same about him. Two petulant, old men, rebuilding their lives together after the most wrath inducing time, in our life. Sometimes I am surprised we are still together, but we are, just a little bit exasperated at times.
I suppose, as I have got older, I have become more angry as a person. Older people seem to be more annoyed with the World. As a child, I was rarely angry towards anyone or anything; if I look back at my childhood, the most infuriated I had ever been, was towards a friend at school, who had collected more Star Wars cards that I; now I’m just angrier, because I threw the cards away a long time ago, when they are worth a bloody lot of money today. So I think my anger stemmed from that period, around 1979 or so, whenever the first Star Wars film came out anyway!
Since moving to Spain, I have become more annoyed; that is in part due to the frustration I feel here. Spain can be a very infuriating place at times. Getting anything done here, seems to take an extraordinary amount of time to accomplish, even going to the bank takes up to two hours a time. Maybe my English roots, just wont allow me, to adjust to coping, with this new life style change, I don’t know. Dealing with my annoyances in Spain, has been a learning curve. I can’t combat my dissatisfactions, in the same way I did, when I lived in the UK.
Britain was full of angry people, everywhere; when I look back to my time there, it does seem, the old home country, was geared up to catering for angry people, as odd as that may seem. I remember distinctly, feeling irritated, I would head to the pub, ice cream parlour, anywhere I could relieve that pressure.
You see life for me, has never really gone the way I wanted it to, which brings me back to that word frustration. I have spent a lifetime, trying to find out who I am and still don’t know the answer. I never really knew what I wanted to do, career wise, which just complicated my feelings further; oh I knew I wanted to be a writer, but became annoyed, when I realised writing was not going to pay the bills. I could have become a journalist, but I never seemed to be in the right place at the right time, frustrating my every move to achieve something in life. Don’t get me wrong, I had the same chances in life, other people did, attending University; having a good standard of education, but I just never utilised my skills to their fullest potential. Even when I did attend Uni, I chose the wrong subject and just never really enjoyed being there, for reasons of education anyway. The anger inside of me, was built up over many years, probably because of my sexuality and being unable to express who I was, for what seemed like a life time. When you finally ‘come out’, the disapprobation and resentment you feel can bubble to the surface, in all sorts of ways.
If I look logically, I spent too long fuming, irate and impassioned and not enough time righting the wrongs of the past. Anger is a very damaging emotion and will eat you up inside, destroying you if you let it. I have a very different set a values to most people and if they don’t meet my expectations, my disapproval will drive them away, no matter who they are, family or friends. I believe that friends should support one another, without exception. I hate people who sit on the fence and have no opinion; weak minded individuals are not the sort of people I want in my life. Personally I have always gone out of my way to help others; if someone is in need and I can help, I will give as much as I can, even if I have very little myself. People take advantage of my good nature, something that irritates Darrell tremendously. Of course, the people I have helped in the past, right up until a few months ago, have all abused my hospitality. The more I gave, the more they took the more disillusioned I became; I always wondered why I was the one being done over for want of another phrase!
I don’t really believe I was being intentionally taken for a ride, I just feel people were grasping onto opportunities that they wouldn’t otherwise have had. If you have nothing and you are offered something, you will take it, no matter the consequences. Bad people, will always take advantage in that scenario and will milk any situation for as much as they can get; after all, it isn’t often you are helped up by someone, who cares, in this world. It must be difficult for those accepting help, believing it is given willingly without strings attached. They don’t realise I am true and genuine, for all they know, I could be a callous person, only offering help for my own benefit.
Thinking you have had a bad deal in life, is bound to make you feel a certain amount of indignation. It is my biggest source of angst, that I never achieved what I set out to achieve. Family, mentors and at various different stages, myself, had high hopes for my future. When I recall old school reports, things were relatively stable for me. I worked hard, studied harder and passed my exams; I did everything that was expected of me, but somewhere along the line things just went wrong. Life took me down some dark and dangerous paths, equally there were periods I excelled to the extreme. I can only conclude that Bipolar played its part, as opportunities always passed me by. I always seemed to be in the wrong place, involved with the wrong people, or chose the wrong direction; it has been the story of my life, up until now.
So here I am at the last chance saloon, in Spain, still feeling angry and not where I want to be. I am looking forward to a future and understand there are openings for me in Gran Alacant. Once again I need to offload my anxiety, stress and umbrage, focus on the positive aspects of my life, of which there are many and move forwards, without looking back towards a past that is no longer relevant. The reasons I am living in Spain, are due to what happened in my life during the few years prior to moving here. These reasons will never go away and will continue to cause me a huge amount of aggravation, fury and rage, that is something, that will not dissipate, until that destructive chapter in my life is laid to rest, by those who have the power to do so; I can’t shift that spiral of outrage. Maybe in time that will change, but for now it lingers as a reminder of work yet to complete.
What I have to do now is try and remove the anger from my thoughts and feelings; easier said than done, granted, but not impossible to achieve. Taking time out, respecting others, enjoying new experiences and friendships and above all, accepting what has happened in my life, my limitations and the future ahead; not the one I had planned for, but the only one there is. In time the anger will subside and with the help and support of those around me, I should at least be able to lead a better, more productive life!
-
- Published on
Due to my expertise in cheese; well my cheese eating addiction, I thought I would lend you the benefit of my opinion, every time I buy some. 'All About Cheese', will let you know what I think of my latest purchase. So far I have had little luck, in finding that perfect slab, in Spain.
I brought this 'Barber's Farmhouse Vintage Cheddar' from UNIDE, my local co-operative, about a fifteen minutes walk, from where I live. The cost was 2,75€ for 200 grams; expensive if you ask me. Cheddar cheese is rather costly in Spain anyway, so in reality, it isn't any more expensive, than anywhere else.
Couldn't stand the taste of this premium cheese. It left a rather soapy after taste in my mouth. I wouldn't choose to purchase it again. Do remember we all have different taste buds, you may well like it; as someone who has eaten a lot of cheese and has the stomach to prove. my credentials, I can safely say, this is one to avoid!
-
- Published on
'Heads Together' Mission Statement
Through our work with young people, emergency response, homeless charities, and with veterans, we have seen time and time again that unresolved mental health problems lie at the heart of some of our greatest social challenges.Too often, people feel afraid to admit that they are struggling with their mental health. This fear of prejudice and judgement stops people from getting help and can destroy families and end lives. Heads Together wants to help people feel much more comfortable with their everyday mental well being and have the practical tools to support their friends and family.
The Heads Together campaign will build on the great work being done by our partner charities so that prejudice and fear no longer stand in the way of people getting the help they need.
Being the 2017 Virgin Money London Marathon Charity of the Year is the perfect springboard for the Heads Together campaign. We cannot wait to see hundreds of runners hitting the streets of London this April to end the stigma and change the conversation on mental health once and for all.The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Price Harry were in the news today, talking about mental health issues, including problems the two Royal Princes, experienced after the death of their mother, the Princess of Wales. Prince William was candid, explaining how he needed counselling to deal with the death of Diana; His Royal Highness, still feels the shock and horror of that day, at the end of August 1997. I was impressed with his words, given in support of someone else, who had lost two members of her family, through tragic circumstances.
The surprising fact is, most of us, will suffer from mental health difficulties, during our lifetime. Depression is a fact of life for many people, living in today's society. I myself have had my own issues, made all the worse, by a charity, I used to work for, who used my illness, at the time, as a means for further destruction in my life. Part of the problem, was the lack of understanding, training and support for employees who worked in the charity, of which I was apart. This was particularly shocking, considering who they were. They should have been well aware of mental health issues, especially when one considers the volunteers who make up the work force; the life blood of this large trust; many of whom, suffered and continue to suffer, the spectre of mental trauma, because of the inaction of their employer!
Talking about mental health is a problem for many people, especially those from older generations, who it has to be said, cope with this taboo subject, very differently, unlike people today. I know myself, from previous experience and talking to others, that many of us hide our feelings, afraid to admit, when there is a problem; it is easy to see why. Rejection, misunderstanding and an inability to see past the predicament at hand, is commonplace. Many individuals are left to cope, often alone, without the support they need to guarantee a speedy, successful and positive recovery!
The services available to those who are suffering from mental illness, especially at the beginning, during the initial stages, when diagnosis is important, varies dramatically from region to region, in the UK. Despite mental illness being a major source of concern for many, suffered by more people than any other disorder; under funding remains the biggest problem for successful treatment and aftercare. How do we expect people to move forwards with their lives, when we are not there, to help them through one of the most damaging periods anyone could experience.
Awareness is the key; Lets have that debate about mental health, something that hasn't happened up until now. I heard on the news last night that these three members of the Royal Family, have done more, to change peoples attitudes, towards this subject, in twenty five minutes, than one practitioner, had done, during his twenty five year career. If anyone ever turns around and says to you 'What exactly does the Royal Family do?', this is a prime example of just what their status and influence affords those they represent, in many different aspects, of all of our lives, not just mental health.
This has never been a fashionable subject to talk about, far from it, people would always close their ears and not want to hear the hard facts, the truth behind a stigma, that many people, carry around with them, for a life time. We have to make, people, like the charity I worked for, for example, aware of just what their lack of understanding and intransigents does to people like me. Many others suffer in silence, because no one is there, access to services is limited and this just isn't at the forefront of peoples minds.
All of us need to support, just what these three young members of the Royal Family are trying to do. Read the charities mission statement, click on the icon, below the photo above, to take you to the 'Heads Together' website and do what you can to help, combat the myths, behind mental illness, continue the debate and help remove prejudice against all of those who suffer through no fault of their own!
#headstogether
-
- Published on
It's no secret, how hard I have found living in Spain, over the last year. With little or no support, life here has been nothing like I had imagined. Over the course of twelve months, Darrell would have been away for nine of those months. That is a long time to be on your own, while your husband is away!
Today, the clock is ticking. Whether I stay here or not is dependent on a number of important factors. On the day Darrell started a new job in Britain, something that has been challenging to achieve, even in his home Country, Australia, even harder to secure in Spain, during it's economic woes; on this day I have been thinking about what really is best for myself and Darrell in the long term. The instability in Spain and for me at least, the lonely existence I feel everyday are not reasons to stay here. I am finding this particular period of time very difficult to cope with; loneliness, no access to amenities, still playing a waiting game and constantly looking back, towards the friendships I once had in the UK, is a constant source of angst for me.
I am mindful, that both of us are not getting any younger and there is very little security in Spain for our future together. The United Kingdom has been good to myself and Darrell, if only, we bother to look past the last few years; we both had good jobs and a decent life. Just because one incident caused an issue, albeit serious, in what essentially, was our home for 22 years, we should not use it as a reason to cut off all access to the only home we really knew and all it has to offer us. I personally see more of a future there, than I do here. With Brexit on the horizon, it may well be the lesser of two evils, to return home, for good, now, before Darrell's visa comes to an end in the UK and life becomes even more difficult than it is already.
Alternatively, it may be worth thinking about relocating to Australia, when Lily passes away, so we can begin our final chapter together there. I can not get past these feelings of confusion and mistake. We have made many mistakes over our life time together and I have a feeling that we are now, also making a big error, by staying in Spain, especially at this time.
Anyway, just a few thoughts about the future. I have done a lot of thinking over Easter and the last few days and am coming to conclusions, without other people making life more complicated than it is already. It may well be getting close to returning to what we know best and I will not stand in the way of that. Remember that little secret, that's all to common knowledge; well Spain no longer feels like the safe option, it did nearly a year and a half ago!
