Anger

​I have just finished writing an article for June’s copy of the Gran Alacant Advertiser; without going in to too much detail, it was one of those subjects that was getting me angry. The more I wrote, the more passionate and annoyed I was getting. Not necessarily a good thing, when trying to write a non bias column in a magazine, but I did my best. After kicking the kitchen wall with my foot, probably breaking my little toe, I am just more wound up than ever now. I thought I would channel that anger into my blog today!

There are many, many things that get me angry; cruelty to animals, poverty, husbands, Donald Trump, the list is endless, but I don’t want to write about these things, I want to discuss ‘anger’ itself and how I cope with it, as a person. If you asked my partner, he would probably tell you, I am a very antagonistic person, but then I would probably say the same about him. Two petulant, old men, rebuilding their lives together after the most wrath inducing time, in our life. Sometimes I am surprised we are still together, but we are, just a little bit exasperated at times.

I suppose, as I have got older, I have become more angry as a person. Older people seem to be more annoyed with the World. As a child, I was rarely angry towards anyone or anything; if I look back at my childhood, the most infuriated I had ever been, was towards a friend at school, who had collected more Star Wars cards that I; now I’m just angrier, because I threw the cards away a long time ago, when they are worth a bloody lot of money today. So I think my anger stemmed from that period, around 1979 or so, whenever the first Star Wars film came out anyway!

Since moving to Spain, I have become more annoyed; that is in part due to the frustration I feel here. Spain can be a very infuriating place at times. Getting anything done here, seems to take an extraordinary amount of time to accomplish, even going to the bank takes up to two hours a time. Maybe my English roots, just wont allow me, to adjust to coping, with this new life style change, I don’t know. Dealing with my annoyances in Spain, has been a learning curve. I can’t combat my dissatisfactions, in the same way I did, when I lived in the UK.

Britain was full of angry people, everywhere; when I look back to my time there, it does seem, the old home country, was geared up to catering for angry people, as odd as that may seem. I remember distinctly, feeling irritated, I would head to the pub, ice cream parlour, anywhere I could relieve that pressure.

You see life for me, has never really gone the way I wanted it to, which brings me back to that word frustration. I have spent a lifetime, trying to find out who I am and still don’t know the answer. I never really knew what I wanted to do, career wise, which just complicated my feelings further; oh I knew I wanted to be a writer, but became annoyed, when I realised writing was not going to pay the bills. I could have become a journalist, but I never seemed to be in the right place at the right time, frustrating my every move to achieve something in life. Don’t get me wrong, I had the same chances in life, other people did, attending University; having a good standard of education, but I just never utilised my skills to their fullest potential. Even when I did attend Uni, I chose the wrong subject and just never really enjoyed being there, for reasons of education anyway. The anger inside of me, was built up over many years, probably because of my sexuality and being unable to express who I was, for what seemed like a life time. When you finally ‘come out’, the disapprobation and resentment you feel can bubble to the surface, in all sorts of ways.

If I look logically, I spent too long fuming, irate and impassioned and not enough time righting the wrongs of the past. Anger is a very damaging emotion and will eat you up inside, destroying you if you let it. I have a very different set a values to most people and if they don’t meet my expectations, my disapproval will drive them away, no matter who they are, family or friends. I believe that friends should support one another, without exception. I hate people who sit on the fence and have no opinion; weak minded individuals are not the sort of people I want in my life. Personally I have always gone out of my way to help others; if someone is in need and I can help, I will give as much as I can, even if I have very little myself. People take advantage of my good nature, something that irritates Darrell tremendously. Of course, the people I have helped in the past, right up until a few months ago, have all abused my hospitality. The more I gave, the more they took the more disillusioned I became; I always wondered why I was the one being done over for want of another phrase!

I don’t really believe I was being intentionally taken for a ride, I just feel people were grasping onto opportunities that they wouldn’t otherwise have had. If you have nothing and you are offered something, you will take it, no matter the consequences. Bad people, will always take advantage in that scenario and will milk any situation for as much as they can get; after all, it isn’t often you are helped up by someone, who cares, in this world. It must be difficult for those accepting help, believing it is given willingly without strings attached. They don’t realise I am true and genuine, for all they know, I could be a callous person, only offering help for my own benefit.

Thinking you have had a bad deal in life, is bound to make you feel a certain amount of indignation. It is my biggest source of angst, that I never achieved what I set out to achieve. Family, mentors and at various different stages, myself, had high hopes for my future. When I recall old school reports, things were relatively stable for me. I worked hard, studied harder and passed my exams; I did everything that was expected of me, but somewhere along the line things just went wrong. Life took me down some dark and dangerous paths, equally there were periods I excelled to the extreme. I can only conclude that Bipolar played its part, as opportunities always passed me by. I always seemed to be in the wrong place, involved with the wrong people, or chose the wrong direction; it has been the story of my life, up until now.

So here I am at the last chance saloon, in Spain, still feeling angry and not where I want to be. I am looking forward to a future and understand there are openings for me in Gran Alacant. Once again I need to offload my anxiety, stress and umbrage, focus on the positive aspects of my life, of which there are many and move forwards, without looking back towards a past that is no longer relevant. The reasons I am living in Spain, are due to what happened in my life during the few years prior to moving here. These reasons will never go away and will continue to cause me a huge amount of aggravation, fury and rage, that is something, that will not dissipate, until that destructive chapter in my life is laid to rest, by those who have the power to do so; I can’t shift that spiral of outrage. Maybe in time that will change, but for now it lingers as a reminder of work yet to complete.

What I have to do now is try and remove the anger from my thoughts and feelings; easier said than done, granted, but not impossible to achieve. Taking time out, respecting others, enjoying new experiences and friendships and above all, accepting what has happened in my life, my limitations and the future ahead; not the one I had planned for, but the only one there is. In time the anger will subside and with the help and support of those around me, I should at least be able to lead a better, more productive life!