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The sun was just disappearing from view, the sky looked fierce as a deep red hue flooded the horizon, filling every inch of blue, as far as the eye could see. I yawned, just briefly, as I looked at the clock on the monitor in front of my face; I had just five minutes left, of a long tiring day. In truth I wasn't looking forward to the trek home, but with payday a week away, a taxi was out of the question.
I ran through the now quiet isles of the shop, heading to the staff quarters at the back; opening my locker I gathered my things, signed out and quickly left. All I could think about was sleep, oh how I needed my soft comfy bed. With another larger, longer yawn, I was outside. The red sky had turned to black and the street lamps were just flickering into view, illuminating my evening walk through the unlit lanes and into the narrow terraced streets beyond. After the warmth of the day, there was a distinct chill in the air, as I entered the graffiti filled footpath, which offered a shortcut home. Normally I was OK with this route, although always had my wits about me. One never knew who might be behind one. The lanes are dark, occasional undesirables loiter in the shadows and small groups of youths ride up and down on their bikes, shouting that urban speak only they understand. Tonight I felt nervous and rightly so!
I was doing that 'power walk' thing that is supposed to help with keeping fit - always trying to lose weight unsuccessfully, when I heard footsteps behind. They were loud and sounded very much like a person wearing heels, clicking faster and faster, racing up behind me - I stopped, they stopped too. Sharply I looked around, there was no one there. Surely I couldn't have imagined it? Maybe I did? Once again, I started to walk, this time slower, gathering my thoughts, so I could hear any noise that followed my steps. Sure enough there were those heals again. Before I could pause once more, I was knocked unconscious to the ground. With a sharp whack to the back of my head, I must have collapsed, falling flat on my face, the bruises of which, I still have today!
"Hello Lovey, I told you I would be back!"
I was laying flat on my back in the middle of what looked like a field. As I looked upwards I could see her menacing face, glaring back at me. Through the muddle and confusion, I shook my head, this had to be a dream. After another shudder, this time more vigorous, I could finally make out her ginger hair, as she leaned ever closer to my face. The alcohol on her breath was unbearable; this was Verruca Almond at her worst, she was very much alive and kicking, angrier than ever. Indignation, vexation, fury and uncontrollable rage written in the expression on her face, that vein at the side of her temple pulsating with every grimace and her claw like nails heading towards my throat.
"Verruca, VERRUCA! Stop, what the hell do you think you are doing?" I yelled!
With all the strength I could muster I jolted upright, headbutting her hard on the forehead, knocking her to the ground. As she fell backwards, so did I, ending up where I started. The both of us, laying there, me shouting expletives, rubbing my head in agony and her laughing madly, hysterically, insane, like the woman I knew she was, must have been a sight for sore eyes, but luckily there was no one else around, just us, sat in the middle of nowhere, me more puzzled than ever!
"Clearly I didn't teach you well enough, you bloody fool. Didn't you learn anything from licking knives?" she screamed at the top of her voice!
"What the f*ck are you waffling about" I replied, still rubbing my brow, smarting from the throbbing pain. "Why don't you just phone like any other normal person, instead of attacking me and beating me up like a rabid dog!" I don't mind telling you, I completely lost the plot. I wouldn't usually dream of talking to her like this. She is a sociopath after all and the consequences could be dire. Biting my tongue, I refrained from saying anything else, waiting for her reply!
'You know me my babes, anything for the drama and anyway, I can't be seen anywhere near your house. I've been on the run for a year now and it's time to get the envelope back' she explained! Confused, I rubbed my eyes!
"What envelope V, what are you talking about?' I asked. Now my memory isn't what it used to be and a lot has happened in the last year, so I had completely forgotten about the paperwork she had given me to keep safe and anyway I hadn't seen it since she was last in my company. As I continued to rack my brain, I suddenly realised what she was talking about, but not before Verruca, sat up and knocked me square in the face with her fist. 'Jesus Christ, what the hell was that for?' I cried, after I hit the deck one more time!
"To teach you a lesson, boyo...Nobody plays games with me!"
"I wasn't playing a game, I genuinely forgot, it's been ages since I saw you last and I do have a life you know,' I shouted. "Touch me again and I'm outta here!" Verruca, just shook her head and repeated her claim!
"I need the envelope, it's the only thing that can save us now, without it, we are both gonners!"
"Both!!!! don't bring me into it. I'll get you the envelope and then that's us over. I am not getting involved in your games anymore!" Verruca looked upwards, her shoulders began to shake up and down, laughter flowed from her mouth, as she slapped the ground with her hand!"
"Oh but you are involved. The day you accepted that little 'gift' was the day you signed your life away. You belong to me now, so don't try any funny business. I know all about you, we are in this until the end and that's coming sooner than you think!"
My heart missed a beat, I gulped deeply, realising I was done for; this was one situation I couldn't get out of. Not knowing what to do, I just nodded my head and got up, brushing off the dirt and debris from my clothes, as I finally stood up straight. Verruca, was still on the floor, a smirk crossed her face, followed by a wink, as she laid back ever so slightly, supported by her hands. Everything seemed 'matter of fact' and 'normal' to V, her demeanor cool, calm and collected; she was truly evil!
"I'll be in touch over the next few days, make sure you keep that file on you at all times, now get out of my sight!" With that she was up on her feet and gone, leaving me standing there aghast, exhausted, not knowing what to do!
The walk home was scary, I looked over my shoulder all the way. The slightest noise made me jump, my heart beating faster and faster as I finally reached home. I eventually opened the door, after dropping my keys trying to insert them into the lock; shaking I was inside. Locking the door tightly behind me, I just fell to the floor, clasping my head in my hands, stamping my feet on the carpet, frustratingly unable to see past the trouble now swirling around me. It was starting all over again and there was nothing I could do to stop it!
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It felt wonderful waking up in Seoul on my Birthday. Pulling back the curtains in the lounge of our apartment, the sun was out and it looked like we were in for another hot day. Darrell was already awake, coming over as I walked out the door, giving me a card and a 'Korean Cat,' a cuddly toy he had bought from Seoul tower a day or so before. As I slowly awoke, still tired from the previous days walking, I sat down and read the many messages I had received from back home in the UK. Today I was 48 years old, approaching my fifties and happy to be spending the day with my husband and Aunt, doing the things I wanted to do.
With a love of history that goes back to my school days thirty four years, I chose to begin my Birthday with a tour of Bukchon Hanock Village. This six hundred year old settlement is the best example of a traditional working urban environment in Seoul today and was an absolute dream to visit.
Seoul is a large sprawling city; it's modern, gleaming streets and imposing architecture can be seen wherever you go, each building appearing bigger and better than the last. Imagine my surprise when I got off the metro underground system and began my short walk to this historic site and discovered an altogether different, customary, characterful and calming terrain, situated slap bang in the middle of this amazingly vibrant city.
The approach to Bukchon is littered with small cafe's, shops full of Korean handicrafts and memorable architectural delights, including a beautiful Catholic Cathedral, prominently situated at the forefront of this traditional buddhist community. I was aghast by the level of care and commitment shown by the Korean residents, in preserving their heritage. This is a functioning village, people still live and work here. As an observer, looking into their lives I was grateful for their welcome, as we walked around the narrow streets, taking photographs and looking in awe at history in the making.
Many of those visiting Bukchon were wearing traditional Korean dress and most were happy to have their photographs taken, as they went about their business. Politely and with dignity, they made way for the tourists that flock to this Korean Landmark. You could see how proud they were of their village and the wider city of Seoul, showing just how far these people had come since the Korean war in the 1950s. The contrast between old and modern is stark. As one meanders around Bukchon, one is conscious of being in the middle of a modern metropolis, with high skyscrapers framing the landscape beyond. This is a place I will always hold in my memories and look forward to seeing again in the future!
After a good few hours of siteseeing, we had a traditional Korean lunch near the village, which was delicious, as all the food has been in this country. Once again I ate with chopsticks and am persevering with them everyday on this holiday. I will never be an expert eating with these utensils but at least I have tried. I suppose today was the day I truly fell in love with Korea and really want to see more of this cultural gem.
After Bukchon we went to Changdeokgung Palace, much larger than Deoksugung Palace we visited yesterday. Changdeokgung is probably the most loved of all Royal residences and is visited daily by thousands of people. I was astonished by how big this complex is. Building after building, perfectly preserved and painted in traditional Korean colours. Interestingly only thirty percent of the original buildings remain in tact, but what there is, is breathtaking. In 1997 this site was added to the UNESCO World Heritage List and it is easy to see why. Reporting their decision to include Changdeokgung, the UNESCO Committee stated the Palace was an 'outstanding example of Far Eastern palace architecture and garden design" being exceptional because the buildings are "integrated into and harmonized with the natural setting' and adapted 'to the topography and retaining indigenous tree cover!'
This trip to Korea has opened my eyes on many levels. I never really knew much about this country prior to my visit, but today as I write this blog entry I am fully versed in the outstanding history that oozes around every city block, at least in Seoul. Changdeokgung Palace is a fine example of oriental design and inginuity. I have to keep reminding myself that this structure was built in the 14th century and looks as perfect today as it did then. A trip here is a trip to the heart of the Korean nation!
In the evening after a few hours rest we went out for a few drinks, stumbling across another Korean landmark, this time contemporary in construction and rather modern in its concept. An unused motorway has been turned into a city park with landscaped canal, waterfalls and places to sit, take in the city skyline and enjoy a relaxing hour or so; a project that looked towards the future. It was very strange seeing this popular attraction in such a busy metropolitan setting, but was yet another testimony to the creativity of Koreans.
Just a few minutes away was an English pub - The Shakespeare, serving rather expensive craft beer in a typically British setting. On the surface, this seemed like a popular destination, with businessmen and visitors alike enjoying the ambience and winding down after a busy day. Although we were happy to sit and chat for a while, we moved on to a more lively bar, a few yards down the busy thoroughfare. After several half pints of stella, costing the same as a pint in the UK, we were done for the evening, making our way home through the still thronging streets with a brief stopover at McDonalds.
This was a Birthday like no other and one I shall remember for many years to come. I really couldn't have asked for more than spending my time in Seoul, surrounded by history and the ones I love. This is a day I still dream about, remembering with fondness the experiences I shared, a day that couldn't have been more perfect, relaxed, thoughtful, without stress and looking forward to the year ahead!
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Friday was a sad day for me, my family and all those who knew Ray Atrill. At 3.30pm, on a rainy afternoon, Uncle Ray was laid to rest at Portchester Crematorium. I arrived with my Aunt and Cousins at 3pm and already people were gathering to say their goodbyes. Nothing however could prepare me for the number of people who arrived to bid farewell to Ray on his final journey.
Ray was a well known luminary in Fratton, having lived there for most of his life, consequently his network of friends was vast. Sat in the pews of the crematorium, I was struck by the number of people entering the hall; it seemed never ending, as the seats were quickly filled. Guests, stood wherever they could, at the sides and back of the building, quietly showing respect for a man, who touched the lives of many. It was a heartwarming display of admiration and approval for a character who will remain in the hearts and minds of all those who knew him.
Ray was given a send off like no other, surrounded by family and friends. The service was typically humanist in tone and reflected a life lived in the company of others, who shared similar interests. Everyone there on Friday sat attentively listening to the stories of a man who had lived the life he wanted and not what others would have expected. Without malice, hate or bitterness, Ray welcomed everyone into his life and all of us who celebrated his legacy on Friday, were lucky to have known him.
The memories of Ray will resonate around the pub where he and I worked for many years to come and will continue to echo around the streets of Fratton, where he walked on a daily basis. Community was important, pivotal and determining in the life Ray led. He did much for good causes and others who needed a helping hand. He was there when you needed a word of encouragement, advice or just a friendly afternoon chat. Ray was a linchpin for many, an Uncle to innumerable personalities who crossed his path and a Dad to a select lucky few, who warranted the love he shared. Ray was Ray, he wasn't perfect, but he was the backbone of a neighbourhood who looked after its own; Fratton wont be the same without him!
Goodnight sweet man!
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On Thursday of last week, I managed to catch up with a family friend, author, radio presenter and contributor to 'Roaming Brit,' Debra Rufini. I have very little time to myself these days, let alone being able to spend time with those who are important in my life, so with a few spare hours on my hands, I paid Debra a visit at her home in Portsmouth.
Debra and I have much in common. We both share an interest in writing and spiritual enlightenment as well as having experience in matters related to Sociopathy and Narcissism, the reason I had come to see her on Thursday.
We have both spoken openly about some particularly dark times in our respective lives and whilst our stories are different, they are most certainly related in the difficulties we both endured. Debra has used her radio show to highlight issues of anti-social behaviour, by interviewing guests who like us, have encountered characters that have proven to be destructive in nature. Sociopathy, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the implications that surround it, can be painful subjects to discuss, especially with those who have little or no understanding of the contentions involved. However Debra and I sat and chatted over a bottle of Rioja for a solid three hours, both of us trying to find explanations to problems that we have both witnessed first hand.
Debra wanted my advice on some dilemmas she is trying to solve. Currently she needs support, having many questions to ask, as she tries to understand the circumstances that have brought her to a confusing crossroads in her life; a challenging chapter that needs to be firmly closed, is still lingering in the background. As I discovered during my time working for Oxfam and the sociopathic management structure, reactions and responses of a positive nature, are few and far between when dealing with mistreatment in their ranks. Trying to untangle a mess made by a single individual with anti-social personality disorder is virtually impossible to achieve, but for victims it is an important part of the healing process. That puts people like Debra and myself in a very precarious situation. Do we carry on, trying to find answers or should we just forget the past and move on.
Initially I spent several years trying to enact revenge for what I considered to be criminal activity against me and others. I wanted justice for the victims who worked for Britain's biggest charity, but I soon discovered the pitfalls of continuing my fruitless campaign. Oxfam would never admit to such behaviour, so rather than continuing to waste my time and energy, I waited for the truth to eventually come out, as it did in 2018 and then I gave my version of events and finally I was listened to!
Debra is still searching for the truth and I am doing what I can to help her, whatever it takes to put her mind at rest and allow her to continue with her life, without the need to keep recalling events and situations, that so very nearly destroyed her as an individual. As two friends chatting. we were able to navigate the clues and unravel the elements. that added together pointed towards a very familiar pattern of abuse and bullying. In time Debra will also be able to sleep soundly in bed once more, until then I will be there when I can!
