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Claire's Mental Health Journey

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Hey all,

I haven’t written in ages, and to be honest it’s probably because life has been okay.. I’ve kept busy, I’ve been doing bits and have felt alright.

Tonight, I am not alright… I have let myself get into a big old hole where life just feels shit.

When I feel like this, all I can think constantly in my head, is what is my reason for being on this earth? I have no children and no boyfriend/husband.. what is my point of being here?

By all means, I don’t want the sympathy from anyone.. that is not what I am asking for in the slightest.

I just feel so down and so sad about everything. I’m sure tomorrow I will delete this blog cause I will instantly regret opening up and sharing my feelings… but right now to distract myself I need to write.

So here it is… yuck.

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Morning all!

So, the big 3-0 is nearly here, 2 days to go. The breakdown has been impending for a few weeks now… This morning I broke down in my mum’s arms and asked for my birthday to be cancelled. I explained my life was planned differently to this and I never expected to enter my 30th year single.

I’m not in a great mindset at the moment in general, went away for the weekend last weekend and it turned out to be a really tough time. I won’t go into why, or specifics, but boy did my mental health take a battering.

I’m now at my parents for a few days, chilling, reading and generally just having a relaxed few days. But the problem is, relaxing means my mind goes into over time and starts telling me rubbish that I don’t want to hear.

I’m off to the cinema by myself this afternoon to try and distract my mind from all the negative thoughts. I’m also going to go for a nice walk with Rosie and see if that can distract me a bit too.

I’ve dreaded my 30th birthday for a long old time, constantly comparing myself to where my friends are in their lives at their 30ths.

So, if you need me on Saturday I’ll be hiding under my bed, having an emotional breakdown (picture Rachel from friends).
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Hey all!

Happy New Year!

I’ve been umming and ahhing writing a new blog and didn’t know whether to or not, but here I am!

So, 2019! How the bloody hell did we get here so quickly? It’s scary isn’t it, one minute you’re leaving school, the next it’s your 30th year being alive on this planet!

Talking of 30th… as I’m sure you ALL know, it’s my 30th birthday in 19 days and 4 hours (I’m not counting!) If you asked me in November how I feel about my 30th, I probably would have cried on the spot. Now? I am ABSOLUTELY BUZZING! I’ve got so so many great plans for the actual day, building up to the day and after the day! I’m going to embrace turning 30 years old! Side note, ask for my address for present deliveries.

So… this year so far… I saw in the New Year with my mummy. We had such a brilliant night at the pub in Weymouth. As soon as midnight struck, mum turned to me, gave me a massive kiss and said “2019 is going to be your year Claire.”

So far I have 3 holidays and a trip to Wales planned this year, I’m also still looking at going away for a couple of nights alone… any suggestions for that one?

I am still single but have spent the last few weeks learning how to enjoy my own company… and wow, what a difference that has made. I feel so chilled when I’m home alone and my phone hasn’t gone off for over 5 hours!

I’ve also massively changed my mindset with how I look at things, I am really working on being positive and seeing the positive in every situation. There have been a couple of stressful moments in 2019 so far and I’ve nearly had a wobble but I’ve kept my head straight and thought about things logically.

I haven’t cried sad tears since way before Christmas (crying whilst watching sas who dares wins doesn’t count!)

I started my volunteering a few weeks ago and absolutely love it! I’m looking after a 75 year old lady called Sheila. Next week we are going to play bingo together and I can’t wait! If anyone can spare 1-2 hours a week to help out with this, please let me know so I can pass on the details of the charity to you!

Don’t get me wrong, life isn’t perfect and there will always be hiccups on the way but I’m dealing with every day as it comes and I am happy.

I am determined to make 2019 the best year of my life to date!!
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Hey all,

It’s been a while since I last wrote, I’ve been busy with work, doing christmassy bits but mainly spending time alone learning to love myself.

So, as we all know, yesterday was the big Christmas Day! There is such a build up, such hype around that one day, those fast 24 hours which speed by. Before you know it, it’s 11pm, you’re knackered, drunk and ready for bed.

Christmas has been a funny one for me this year, spending time with my family has been so so lovely. I adore being around my family and being in Weymouth! However, I have spent a lot of the last few days feeling overwhelmingly lonely. Being surrounded by couples is really difficult when all I want is to be snuggled up on the sofa with a lovely young man. Rosie just doesn’t buy me the presents I think I deserve!

Christmas is also a funny time as I, and I know many others do, spend alot of time thinking of those who are no longer with us. My 2 Nannas are always so so missed from the table, the Christmas jokes being repeated as Nanna would have done.

I also spend a lot of time thinking of my friends who have lost parents, brothers, sisters, aunties, pets, the list goes on. Life is tough at Christmas when all you want is to celebrate with that person that is missing.

So, I would like to wish you all a very, very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year. May 2019 be full of positivity and new experiences. The year I turn 30, the year I learn who ‘Claire’ truly is.

Enjoy time with your loved ones and be positively Merry xxx
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Hey all!

I’ve had the best weekend, spent Saturday with various different friends and had a great night. Sunday spent with my best friend and her amazing family. I then went to watch Jess Glynne with my Mummy in Bournemouth and had the loveliest evening. All in all, a bloody great time!

So I feel like I want to talk a bit about my past, explain a little bit why I am me and why I have these insecurities and “issues”.

Let’s go back to when I was a cute, little innocent child. I was age 11 when my parents got a divorce.. it was a difficult time to say the least. Long story short, me and my biological father (who we will refer to as Pete) were SO SO CLOSE. I went to live with him for a year or so in his little studio flat and spent a lot of time with him. Great times.

Fast forward a few years… I’m 16… a MASSIVE chav (n wot) and still loving life. Pete suddenly stops talking to me, cuts all ties, capeesh. Why, you ask? Who… bloody… knows. He stayed in touch with my brothers and made a point of messaging them to say how much he missed them and loved them.

Anyway, no more gory details, but since then, I have struggled immensely to believe that any man wants to stay in my life and wants to stick around because, the main man in my life walked away and left me.

In that time, Pud came along (my amazing new Daddy.) Pud has been incredible, he’s bought me up as his own and looked after me in those awful days when I’ve needed him. And for that, I thank you so so much Andy.

However, I’ve still been deserted by one of the most important men in my life.

Pete still lives 5 minutes down the road, I saw him about 4 months ago and he looked at me and continued walking, completely blanking me. That hurts… I had such an amazing relationship with that man and he woke up one day and decided he didn’t need or want me anymore.

If for any reason Pete reads this, I would love him to know, I’m proud. I’m so proud of what I’ve done without him. I’m still alive, I’m happy, and I’m proud.

So… I hope that explains my insecurities.. mainly based around men. But ultimately resulting in me having absolutely no self confidence and believing I’m just not worth anyone sticking around for.
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Hey all,

Hope you’re having a good week!

So today is all about girls… girl power, independent women, sisters doing it for themselves! Don’t get me wrong, this is not a feminist post!

I am just a HUGE, firm believer in girls sticking together as girls. I’ve experienced A LOT of bitchiness aimed at me throughout my life and I really really do not take it well. I beat myself up, wonder why these girls don’t like me. I then spend hours on end replaying what I heard or saw and dissecting it in my head.

I must say now, I am in no way an angel here, I have definitely bitched about people in my life and I have said some horrible things which I have really beat myself up about after.

My point in this blog is, girls, let’s just be fu**ing nice. If someone’s hair looks great in their photo, tell them. If someone is going on holiday, tell them to have a great time. If someone is having a hard time, check in on them.

I’ve never been a huge girlfriend kinda person, I’ve always got on with guys as the bitchiness is very minimal. I do, however, have very few, very close girlfriends who I would do absolutely anything for.

So girls, let’s start being great people, let’s start complimenting randomly, looking after each other and thinking before saying that comment that could potentially really bloody upset someone.
Girl power
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The title says it all…. what a bloody week. Where do I even begin?

Saturday I went to visit my cousin and her family for the night in Newbury… driving there and I crash my car into a massive kerb doing about 60mph (on an A road!) Longest, most boring story short, I have no locking wheel nut key so 10 days later I still have my spare on my car and still have a puncture in my back tyre.

I then go to pay my deposit for my 30th birthday party on Sunday, turn up and am told “we don’t do Friday bookings”… after confirming THREE TIMES on an email that Friday 22nd February is good for them. (Side note, don’t book with Oasis bar Southampton.)

I like to think I’m learning how to deal with stress in my life in better ways, but Jesus Christ this week has just about tipped me over the edge.

One of the worst things I struggle with is not having a plan… I need to know that this is going to be done on this day and that will be done then. If I don’t have this, I break. And boy did I break this week, there have been tears (a lot of tears) and angry words (a lot of those too.)

The car issue still isn’t sorted.. I’m booked in to 2 different garages over 2 different days this week and have to fork out over £250.. I’m still waiting for something else to go wrong!

My absolute saviours this week (including a lot of other people) have been my Mum, Dad, brother Ollie and his girlfriend Abbie. I genuinely couldn’t have done this week without them, so, thank you guys so much.

I’m hoping and praying for a new positive week next week, I have so much to look forward to in the next few weeks so someone please have a word with the man upstairs to give me a break… Thank you!

So that was the original post, I published this last night and deleted it after about 20 minutes as I felt that ‘no one cares about your moany week.’ But what I wanted to show was that I was proud of how SO MUCH has gone wrong in the last 3 month’s yet I’m still here and I haven’t done anything I could potentially regret.

Side note… I just stood in dog poo… don’t write and walk kids.

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Firstly… it’s been nearly 2 weeks but I’ve had such a hard week that I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything.

Secondly… I think this is going to be one of the hardest blogs I’ll write so please bear with.

So every one has a way of releasing their anger/fear/sadness/depression/anxiety.. whatever it may be, everyone expresses their emotions in different ways. One thing I wouldn’t say I’m ashamed of but more frustrated by is how easily I cry. Whether it be happy tears, sad tears, frustrated or angry tears, they always come thick and fast. When I’m having a particularly bad spell, I question how on earth I haven’t ran out of tears.

The beginning of this week was SO hard for me, I had just got back from an amazing weekend with my family and had to come back to a very empty and quiet flat with no company. I spent the whole of Sunday evening crying into my dinner… spent a lot of Monday crying at work. I dropped my lunch on the floor and burst into sobbing, ugly floods of tears.

Anyway… this is one of my releases, crying does help me… it gets that build up out of me. Others may judge and think “Jesus she cries a lot”… Others may even envy the fact that I CAN cry.

But in the past I’ve had another way of releasing. I first self harmed when I was about 20 years old, I remember it like it was yesterday and remember the reaction of the person I told. Pure disgust.

I didn’t do it again for a few years as I felt disgusting that I had done that to myself. But… I did it again, and again… and again. I used to be ashamed of the scars on my arm, hide them under sleeves or anything that I could so people wouldn’t judge me. The same with the scars on my legs, will people see them when I go swimming? Will my boyfriend’s think I’m disgusting?

Through my counselling, I have learned to never, EVER be ashamed of scars. If anyone ever asks me what they are, I will explain. And if anything, I would urge people to ask me.
Self harming has created this release so strong over the years for me. It gives me something physical to focus on when my head is in such a bad, dark place.

I haven’t self harmed for a while now and feel proud with every day that I don’t do it.

I know a lot of my friends have done this before and still do it and they should never be ashamed of that, however I will strongly urge them to find a better release or a better distraction in those times.

I find now when I’m in that place that going for a walk with Rosie, doing some colouring, reading my book… all these pull me away from the urge.

To all those reading this, if you ever have the urge to do something like this, please message me/friends/family/call the Samaritans… there are better ways to release.

xx

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Hey all! It’s been slightly longer than a week but I’m currently in Bruges! What a beautiful city! We’ve been to a brewery, torture museum, LOTS of bars and LOTS of restaurants! Today is a trip to Ghent just down the road!

So today’s installation is about being ‘lonely.’ I use the inverted commas for a reason as I know, deep down, that I will never be alone in life. I have plenty of friends and family around me all the time.

I think my eyes have been opened to it quite a lot being away- I am here with my brother Ollie and his girlfriend Abbie. I said to them yesterday, I feel like I’m the only single person in Bruges!

I’ve lived by myself for over 2 years now and I absolutely love my little flat! I am so proud of what I’ve achieved by buying my own place, furnishing it, decorating it and generally maintaining it (I’ve even hung photos and built furniture!!)

However, if you’ve ever lived alone, you’ll know how hard it is sometimes to get home night after night and only have your own company.

Something that has become apparent to me more recently is my addiction to my phone and social media. I think this comes from spending so much time alone that I feel the need to speak to people over the phone. Sometimes I can go a whole day without a text or a call and that, I find really hard.

On the flip side of this, these times that I spend alone, I can do whatever I want to do… at the moment that will probably consist of reading my book all bloody day or watching some sort of rubbish on tv! But I’ve started to realise I need to embrace this “me time” and stop seeing it so negatively.

The rest of this year, for me, is to learn to enjoy my own company… learn to love myself… learn to not need my phone. But mainly… learn to stay off bloody dating sites and not be tempted.
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So, after writing my first blog, I woke up the next day feeling sick and full of regret.

There were certain “Friends” that haven’t spoken to me about it, mentioned it, commented on it or generally cared.

So, a “normal” person would say, who cares… look how many people DO care. I had about 30 messages over night from various different people, congratulating me, telling me their stories etc etc. But still, the first thought is.. what about the others.

Something that has been a huge huge part of my life, more so in the last year is how frequently friends come and go as you get older.

Finding myself nearly 30 and newly single, I realised how much I needed my friends. I felt my self looking around and seeing that people that were a huge part of my life last year are now No where to be seen.

I remember my mum telling me a few years ago that as I get older, I will lose a lot of friends but the friends I keep will be for life.

What I find really hard is the fact that I have some wonderful friends who have always been incredible to me, however I still find myself “mourning” over the loss of the old friends, especially when they walked out of my life completely randomly and for what feels like no reason.

I know I need to pick myself up and treasure those that ARE still around and not forgetting the new friends I’ve made along the way. So here is to doing exactly that… to my TRUE friends… Thank you xxx

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Claire Coe

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