A poem written and published in 2004, after my first relapse! Very relevant now!
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Ah money - What a strange relationship I have with money; From my earliest memories, I remember, I never had much money and to be honest never had a need to deal with it, in the same way other kids did. I was given no pocket money as a child and as a consequence, never had to save. I never had a bank account as a child, because there was no need. I truly believe that if lessons were given in School, on how to deal with finances, this would go a long way to helping children deal with the day-to-day need, to have a good level of understanding of successful financial Management.
Bipolar brings another difficulty into sound financial understanding and planning. It has been the biggest factor in my success and failures in life. I have always been a person who likes to spend, spend, spend. Not having a lot of resources as a child has been responsible for a binge and purge ethos where spending is concerned. When I have it, I will spend, in fact even when I don't I will. I do not understand the concept of 'Saving for a rainy day' or 'putting a little aside each month'.
I only really noticed there was a problem, when I went to University. Within the first year I had run up two huge overdrafts and maxed my credit cards. I was spending money like it was the last day on earth. I had a cheque book and unlike today, each cheque could be guaranteed up to £50.00. I was often cashing cheques in The Student Union Shop or the local co-op! I remember a representative from the bank turning up at my house early one morning. My spending had got so out of control they wanted my cheque book back. I just went to my room, ripped out half the cheques and handed the rest to a rather stern looking gentleman, gave him a wry smile, and he left. I know now during very Manic periods I would spend out of control. There was a lot of Mania, a lot of spending, a lot of debt at University.
The next time I really noticed there was a problem, was when I ran my own business. It actually wasn't the next time there was a problem, but rather when I started to notice there was a real problem. I took on a business without thinking through the consequences of my actions. I opened up a Business Bank Account and for a short while things went well. I owned a garage, shop and restaurant, which relied heavily on passing trade. So when road works began on the dual carriage way passing my business, we were doomed! As Darrell said, 'I am probably the most unlucky person he has ever known!'
I was taking ever larger amounts of drawings, which the bank mistook for the business doing well. I certainly wasn't going to tell them any different. I was given more and more lines of credit, totalling well over £150,000.00 at one stage. I was borrowing money to keep the business going. Credit and cash were easily obtainable at the time, so I was really just doing what everyone else was doing. I bought a brand-new car, took three holidays a year and even went further. During one manic phase, after watching a programme on Morning TV and discovering you could buy a house in a pub, as easy as a pint, I went up to a place called Nelson in Lancashire and bought a house, because I could. We then bought a holiday home just down the road from Nelson and also bought a house in France called Le Choix.
Now being financially illiterate, I was using all the takings from the three businesses, to fund an extremely lavish lifestyle, travelling to New York, Italy and Malaysia in one year alone, on top of the three houses we had bought. I was such a spend thrift, I got addicted to Shopping Channels, in fact I would buy anything I saw, just because I had the resources to do it. Of course one can't keep on spending £5000.00 a week, without the business doing well and making money to pay for my mania. There were ever-increasing lines of credit, an overdraft totalling thousands and another illogical decision to invest thousands in the Stock Market, without knowledge of the Businesses I was investing in. It was just like picking names out of a hat. Still, I was on a high and it all made perfect sense to me. Unlucky me strikes again. I invested £2000.00 in Marconi shares, a few weeks later, they collapsed. Being the unlucky person I was, I invested around £20,000.00 in total exactly one week before 9/11. The markets crashed and I lost the lot.
My Accountant was useless. Charging me £1500 a month, well this was Salisbury and dodgy useless Accountants don't come cheap. Either I was good at hiding the mounting debt or he was really that bad that he couldn't see it. Anyway things just went along as usual, more spending, Holiday's to France once a month and expensive jewellery from TV shopping channels.
I suppose I knew the end had come, when Darrell had to remove £10,000.00 from his credit card to pay the staff wages. I just kidded myself it was a temporary blip. More money removed each month to pay the wages. I was paying Darrell £30,000 a year, I had a full time chef and ten other employees, because I was too busy spending, to work myself.
I had become extremely ill, weighed 7 stone and was getting worse by the day. My debts totalled a quarter of a million pounds and my stress had reached dangerous levels. I remember working in the kitchen of the restaurant one hot afternoon. I felt so weak and collapsed. By all accounts I had a mild stroke. My Doctor told me if I did not give up the business I would be dead within the year. Now mania makes you do things in the most destructive way possible. I did a runner, left the business and just walked away, picking up the pieces later. I could not deal with the legalities behind bankruptcy at the time, so buried my head and became extremely depressed. A shadow of my former self, I was Unable to work through illness, Darrell became the bread winner, and we had to survive on a less than a tenth of what we did before. It was a dark time for us, I can admit that now; It was time to be admitted to Hospital. From 2003, really up until 2010, the process of diagnosing Bipolar began. It was such a long time, with many medications and highs and lows, it was truly painful!
I am still a nightmare with money. The last two years we wasted £10,000.00 on a lifestyle where those we trusted just took as much as they could. I am glad that happened. We had to learn for ourselves just how bad these people were. I may have lost money, but I regained my life and the battles I fight now are real, not petty lies and dramas used to cause harm to others.
Still learning the value of money! Still making mistakes, still battling! That's life. At least I'm doing it with the man I love! -
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You know what, this is the first day I finally feel different. I have never been truly able to describe how medication works. It either does or it doesn't. Something just clicks into place. This could be the turning point for me. Positivity has returned, after a long break away, trapped in this relapse and the confused thoughts of a complicated mind!
The 26 April 2015 is a great day, hopefully the end of a dreadful cycle of self-destruction and the start of a new cycle of strength and positivity, for however long that lasts. I have to say I was really worried for a while. I just didn't think these bloody pills would work. They have taken a long time to bed in. The longest ever. I am awake far more hours than not now and starting to get up at reasonable hours of the day. It is the beginning, but I have a feeling, things can only get better.
Medication is not the only thing that brings positivity. The only people, friends and family left in my life now are my saving grace. This has been the longest period of drama free confidence I have had for probably two years. Positive people breed happiness!
I am not used to being cared for. I knew this would be something I'd have to accept for my own safety and future. Darrell could not have done more for me. When I really needed him most he was there, battling for me, us and our future. He has rationed and administered my meds perfectly. I should have no part to play in that process, he knew that. A Caring Assessment will also insure he is looked after too. Darrell suffered as much as me, and more.
Darrell you have shown, beyond a doubt just how much you love me. You have been there all through this. Battling just makes us stronger and closer; I am really proud of you and will be even prouder when we are married, The impending Marriage has also helped me focus on the next 20 years. So many people are doing so much to insure this wedding will be unique and personal to us. Marc Archer and Keith Francis, reuniting your drag act for us has really meant the world. After initial doubts, I am glad Loretta Lebonk and Natalee Michelle are going to put on a Comedy Burlesque act we can always remember. You are giving up your time for us, that is special. Very special!
Dale Douglas, one of my oldest friends. You will forever remain a great source of strength, when I needed it most, once again I will never forget that. The Bunday Brothers - Chris you got me through that crucial first week and Kiefer you have written words that I never expected. You are fantastic lads with hearts of gold! Jay Greaves you have proven yourself to be a real battler. Your success and kind words have given me a boost at a difficult time for many of us! To have faith in someone is important. Never be afraid to say you care.....I always will!
Thank you, Sara Bowgen for contacting Doctors for me and going that extra mile. You are kind of like that authority figure, who always says the right things at the right time. Jamie Hough and Kirsty Hooper. Your laughter to the point of elation has lifted me above the line of depression at the worst of times! Always smiling, despite all you have been through was a real push towards recovery for me.
Natalee Michelle, there from day one of that relapse and still here now, without condition. Says it how it is, has never left my side, feisty and loyal, cook, cleaner and conversationalist, at a time when you are just about to complete University, shows how strong, caring and bloody minded you can be. Forever grateful and in your debt!
Darrell Martin - What a ghastly thing, to watch your partner go through. My loss of dignity and your prompt action, to have me arrested, probably saved my life. Never forget that. That was an awful evening, but showed just how ill I was. It needed to happen. A partner becoming your carer is hard to accept, but without that help, I would be in an even worse place. Watching me take medication again and drifting into sedation for my own good, with tears in your eyes was my biggest failure. I have to accept I have a chronic illness and will always be on medication, as we both will accept eventually. I lost much by taking that pill again, my emotions, reality and feelings of freedom, but you have accepted that we have no other option. At least during those eight months off medication, we have those precious memories. That is worth all the pain and anguish!
Thank you to Oxfam for all your support. From my Assistant Manager, my staff and my Manager Veronica, who cried with me and to Human Resources and my Union, I am truly thankful for all your concern and complete dedication, to get me back to where I was. When you work for good people it is a godsend at times like this. It allows me to be sure of complete recovery, without financial and emotional worries!
To everyone else thanks for all your support. It is hard watching someone with Bipolar, especially after a complete relapse, but words of encouragement from people like Melissa King and old schoolmate Rachel Wyatt have meant all the difference, You stuck with me and that is more than I can say for members of my own family, Blood is never thicker than water!
Most importantly thank you also to my Cousin Joe Uttley, who I care for deeply. To say how you wished I was your Brother really made me cry. Whatever happens, you are my true brother, I will always try to look out for you. I couldn't give a f*ck what you do. You are my real family and yes Joe, I will always keep it real, You know that!
Writing this blog has also been a healing experience. Words are good for the soul and a great way of offloading stress, I have had so much encouragement and kind words from all sorts of people, it has been a great source of hope. No nasty comments or drama fuelled words. How unusual but very welcome. I will never go back to a time that will forever remain a stain on my life and a living reminder to do better in future!
Finally feeling the love. Thanks to everyone! -
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The 70s
People talk about the seventies with such disdain,
A decade forgotten, passed by in the main.
A reckless mishmash of bad taste in fashion,
Strikes, power cuts and markets crashin!
Growing up on a Council Estate, schoolmates next door,
Long hot summers, no curfew, endless time to explore.
No worries or cares,
one's future, unawares,
carefree and happy,
hand me down clothes, worn and tatty!
Looked after by Nan, was a treat unmatched,
less discipline, more freedom, door unlatched,
sent to the shop to buy her fags,
note in hand, nasty she said, my first drag!
A towering stoical woman with purple hair,
painted nails, high heels, hugged like a bear,
expensive jewellery, pearl necklace, painted face,
smoked whilst baking, glass of gin kept pace!
A true lady was my Gran in every sense,
Emotionless, British, proud, intense,
A tower of strength, to those who sought chatter,
Not a tear was shed, buck your ideas up, no matter!
I loved my Gran, although we clashed,
Too much like me, her Grandson, oh how we thrashed!
Frivolous and generous, unwisely bipolic,
Stubborn, aggressive, a little neurotic,
characterful with style, old school Dame,
memorable and funny, articulate, no shame!
Growing up in the 70s, was a special time,
innocent and free, complete content!
Content with childhood,
content with friends,
content with profanity,
content to offend!
Then the world changed,
I had to condemn,
my decade of innocence, unable to defend!
Childhood memories, so dear to me,
Became disappointments in adulthood,
shameful acts, to offend!
Times changed too quickly, and part of me remained,
stuck in that shag pile, happy times were strained!
A moment of apology for my manner of growing,
then retraction for doubting the fear of unknowing!
I miss that vulgar decade,
I wish I could restart,
those long days of childhood, friends kept apart!
The Silver Jubilee,
the lack of money,
the disco music,
70s comedy devotee!
An apology for circumstances just isn't in me,
feeling shame for the past in a future we couldn't foresee.
Denying a generation their God given birthright,
and wrongly rewrite history, make acceptable, smoke free!
Luke Martin-Jones - 12 March 2015 -
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I have always been interested in Politics, ever since I was a young child. My father was a member of The Labour Party and was quite often involved in local politics at one level or another, He stood for Council on numerous occasions and was extremely vocal about his opinions. I suppose his Socialist beliefs came from his Mothers Liverpool/Irish family roots. His Mother, my Grandmother herself was really a Conservative, helping to vote Margaret Thatcher in, during the 1980s, although as time moved on, she claimed to have switched to Labour. I have my doubts myself, after having conversations about Politics, without my father present. If you didn't support his view, you would know it. He was nasty and really took arguments to the extreme. I went to the Election night counts several times with him and was hooked straight away; I loved Politics. I also loved Margaret Thatcher, helping to vote her in. In fact, I don't think Dad even knew that. Let's hope he doesn't read this then!
When I left home I became more of a Socialist myself. I was mixing with very different people. No longer the Middle Class Hampshire suburbs, but rather the urban, inner City, Multicultural and underprivileged groups, my father had fought so hard to help. My Politics now reflected my circumstances. I joined the Anti-Nazi League in the early 90s with an ex partner. We went on a rally to Southampton Common, the Jewish part of the cemetery had been vandalised; It was very sad to see. Swastikas were sprayed on every stone, as far as the eye could see. A high proportion of the Headstones had been smashed to pieces and even the ground where the bodies lay, was disturbed and left in such disarray, it bought tears to my eyes!
I knew Politics was the path I wanted to take in life; I even wanted to become an MP. I was studying Politics and Social Policy at University and I really thought I had a good chance, of becoming everything I desired. That soon changed dramatically and quickly!
Getting involved with the wrong people, will always be a recipe for disaster. That one partner who wouldn't leave me alone, who stalked me to the point of saying, OK, I will go out with you. Someone so obsessive, he used to stay outside my bedroom window for hours, trying to attract my attention. For me it was easier just to say 'yes'. I lived with a houseful of people who were becoming equally disturbed by his behaviour and my life was becoming unbearable. By saying yes I really had sealed my fate, I got involved in the Southampton Gay Scene in a big way. With it came the advantages of friendship and common cause, but there were a lot of downsides. Living a Scene lifestyle 24/7. Getting involved in drugs, meeting the worst of people and of course falling further behind with studies at University.
I finished University, graduated in 1994 and then got so heavily involved in the gay scene, the course I was going on to do, was just too much and I gave up. I suppose at this point, my interest in Politics was now at its lowest.
I met Jason in 1995. My interest in Politics was returning. We were living under a Conservative Government, with no Policies designed to allow a same-sex couple to stay together. Our De Facto relationship had no standing in law, so between 1995 and 1997 we yo yo'd between Australia and The United Kingdom.
I remember watching the Election results come in, during that 1997 Election. We were living in Perth, Western Australia at the time, and I remember the excitement of Tony Blair becoming Prime Minister. Of course ABC were more concerned about how Cherie Blair looked the morning after. She did look frightful to be honest. Crucially, Labour had won the Election and they had made a promise of reforming the law relating to Same-sex relationships with a foreign national.
We flew back to The UK shortly afterwards and began the long process of trying to stay together, proving our relationship was valid, narrowly avoiding deportation, the expense of Barristers and judicial reviews. It was a tense time... Eventually a new law was bought in during October 1997, and we could at least breathe a sigh of relief. Things would be hard, but we were one of the first couples allowed to remain together under a new law passed by a Labour Government. We couldn't be happier!
As the years have passed and times have changed, I have changed my Political leanings dramatically. I spent a period running my own business during the Blair years. I saw my taxes rise, red tape hit an all-time high and my business slowly full apart. All because of a Labour Governments attitude towards those of us, who wanted to get on in life. There were so many hurdles to jump, that the business finally collapsed in 2004.
I was diagnosed with Depression and for the first time I had to use The National Health Service. The influx of Migrants from the continent and Eastern Europe, with no provision for their arrival was clear. My Doctors Surgery was at breaking point. It was impossible to get a Doctors Appointment, without booking two weeks in advance and a referral to a Consultant was an extremely long wait. With thousands of people heading to The UK to work, there was no housing, infrastructure, adequate schools or appropriate employment. Public Services were bending under the weight of wrong decision-making. It was a recipe for disaster!
I have been surprised how well The Coalition Government have done since the stock market crash. They have managed to pull our Country back from the brink. The Economy is one of the fastest growing in the western world. Employment is high and while the rest of the European Continent implodes, Britain remains stable and has weathered a very large storm,
I believe they are correct to reform the benefits' system. Even today both British and Foreign Nationals are taking advantage of our over generous system, that still needs further dramatic reform. I can see our Island prospering, while others falter. I can see hope for a brighter future, where other countries struggle. Above all I have seen my taxes fall dramatically. I was looking at an old wage slip the other day from the 1980s. On a smaller income, I was paying double the tax I pay now. The Coalition have actually and tangibly given me back money, when I need it most.
Nothing is perfect in this world, but I feel able to vote Conservative now, when only a few years I would not. I am not a one issue voter, or someone who can't forgive the mistakes of the past. I am someone who listens to the arguments and makes a decision on what is going on today. Politics affects our lives every day. We should listen to all those who seek to change us for the better and make a decision based on this alone. Never vote for someone, because your family did, vote for those who will do the most for you and offer your Country a future, not a return to the bad old days! -
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Only going to be a short blog today, as I have been rushed off my feet with Doctors and Wedding stuff. I wanted to talk about loosing one's temper. Darrell and I had a minor tiff today, and I wanted to mention it. This is an honest blog after all!
I am certainly a person who likes to argue. My father was a local Politician, and he always taught me to strongly argue my point. Like him I feel I am always right and in all honesty I can always shout louder than someone else. Darrell and I do not argue any more than anyone else really. Actually after observing other relationships, I would say we probably argue less. Darrell doesn't like to argue, in fact he will walk away, agree, when I know he doesn't, or lock himself in a room. All of these things get me angry. As a person who was bought up to speak for myself and my friends, I find it odd that others will not speak up for themselves equally.
The trouble with me, is I will battle, fight, scream and shout even if I am wrong. My interest in Politics has taught me a great deal, especially how to dig myself out of a hole, usually of my own making. Yes I am good with words, although as I get older, I am more forgetful and in some cases end up digging myself into even bigger holes. If you believe passionately in something, even if you are wrong, stand up for yourselves. Make your voice heard and never admit defeat. Weakness has never been an option for me, which is why this Bipolar Relapse, is such a pain. I have shown weakness, which is unlike me, but even the best of us have to know when to take a break!
Growing up Gay has really always been at the back of my mind! As a gay man you always have to watch your back. There will always be someone out to get you, it is a fact of gay life. As I have got older, it seems there are more people than ever, trying to get in the way of my relationship as well as others, who are really just out for a fight. Yes it pisses me off. Darrell has said to me, I bite too easily, and if I only learnt to control my temper, things would be better.
Is it really right to say and do nothing? Is it right to allow others to believe they are superior? Is it right to let others believe they have won an argument? Is it right to not react?
I don't believe so. I believe we are pre-programmed to deal with what is right or wrong, and to let people get away with lies and arguments shows weakness. They will surely take advantage of that situation in the future. Others, like my partner, just want a quiet life and couldn't care less about the rights and wrongs of a situation. In reality, the way one reacts to others is about the way one has been taught. Personally I have high morals and take a huge amount of pride in the things I say and strongly believe in helping myself and others!
In my view, never walk away from an argument, never admit you are wrong, never show weakness, when a situation requires strength and above all never carry an argument on. It should be worked out and put to bed, before you go to bed. Walking away without closure, only seeks to carry on something that has angered you in the first place, that's never good. You will just dwell on it! Sort it immediately, successfully and allow both parties, at least a sense of success and a belief that maybe they were right. This prevents problems and resentment in the long term!
Happy Screaming Y'all!