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Well as we reach our sixth month in Spain, we are still learning the lessons of the past. I can not live or associate with anyone I don't have conviction in. When we invited Jamie to live with us in Spain, I had 100% trust and belief in him as a person, as I still do. He was part of the reason we came here and he is, at least for now an important reason to stay. Jamie will of course return home at some point and then we will continue to move forwards as a couple, without him with us.
We have also made mistakes. Inviting the wrong person to stay was a dreadful experience. When someone drinks, every single day, you soon realise, they have no care for anyone but themselves. Drinking, getting drunk and partying is the only thing that matters to them. They use those around them, without a second thought. When the bills come through and the rent needs paying, they are gone, having spent everything they earn on their own selfish activity.
Sometimes you pick the wrong friends in life, that happens to all of us. We have both tended to do it more than most. Being a bad judge of character and opening our hearts and homes to the worst people, have always been a problem. To be honest though, I never saw this one coming. I had a real sense of belief in someone who had done much for me in the past, but for whatever reasons, had decided to become, change and transform into a person I no longer knew, who refused to see past the drink in the bottom of their glass.
When Jamie, Darrell and myself moved to Spain, we came here to start a new, productive life, and remove ourselves from people who were bad and no longer entertain those who quite simply, only thought of themselves and things were good. The three of us worked well together and looked out for each other. That all changed dramatically, when there were four.
Alcoholism, like any addiction is an abhorrent thing. It is difficult to overcome and is an illness, that needs to be cured. I never knew that this individual was quite as bad, as they are now, but clearly they have reached an uncontrollable level of drinking, and have no regard for others around them.
Yes we have been left out of pocket, yet again. As Jamie said, that is the story of our life. Rent owed, water, electricity, all still unpaid. Should I really have been that surprised? Well yes I am. I had more faith in this person, than they had respect for us. They are gone forever, never, ever to return, in any capacity. Our life can finally move once again in the right direction. They have indeed left debris behind, debts, damage to a window they used to break into our house, drunk, but at least they have finally left.
I have absolutely no tolerance left for anyone who takes from us. I have no more forgiveness within me and I will never trust anyone I have known for a short space of time again. Like the rest of the rabble we left behind, they will very soon fade away to just another bad memory. I am kind of immune to this sort of behaviour these days, but unlike the past, today, I will give anyone, acting this way, short shrift.
Onwards and upwards, as the saying goes and all I can do now, is just feel sorry for whoever else has to put up with what gets thrown their way from a person who was never who they claimed to be! -
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Andy, Katie and Lexi
Friends are important, even more so when you embark on a new journey. A common goal and sense of purpose, helps to forge new relationships, that under normal circumstances, would never have happened!
Luke M Jones 1 July 2016I'm still in that strange inbetween place at the moment. Not knowing where we will be long term, can not only be unstable, but also an emotional rollercoaster ride at times. Up until very recently, I was extremely content living and working in Spain, and 90% of me still is, but there is that nagging percentage, that makes me think too much and re-evaluate my life and decisions on occasion. I am not completely happy about where I am and where my life is heading. I have written about the reasons for this and as usual in my life, my feelings do centre around other people. Emotions from others, who are close to us, do obviously rub off on the way I think. We have made a few mistakes here, invited the wrong person to stay and they are in part responsible for upsetting, what was a very happy balance. You do live and learn as they say.
My immediate reaction is, we are going to stay, because we have to. With much to prove to ourselves and the love we already have for this place, despite its quirks and difficulties, we do have to at least give this place a go. Spain has put obstacles in our way, as do other unsavoury characters, thankfully no longer with us, but we are both fully aware of destiny and surviving through tough times. After the last year, nothing really phases us anymore. It is possible to overcome any challenge thrown our way, we just need to look at the greater picture! Working together, with the people we know is the key to success. When you live in a community, such as ours, other like minded individuals are important. They at least offer motivation and continuity, when you need it most!
We have known Katie and Andy for about six weeks now. They arrived here, much like we did and are suffering the up's and down's of living in Gran Alacant. When one make a conscious decision to leave one's home, travel abroad and make a new life, it is in my opinion an emotional choice. In our case we could have quite easily stayed in The UK, but emotionally that would have been the wrong decision for us. After talking to Katie and Andy I do get the same impression. We regard both of these guys and of course their daughter Lexi, as real friends. Not only have they gone out of their way to help us, but we have also done the same. Out of everyone of us, Katie most certainly seems the most settled and at ease with her decision to move to Spain. She has lived in Spain before, her Spanish isn't too bad and she knows what it is like to restart, reboot and begin a new journey. For me, not feeling 100% at the moment, it can be hard adjusting to my new life, not because I don't like it, but because there is uncertainty with our direction currently. With Darrell's mother unwell, there is a real possibility of moving to Australia. With the situation, regarding same sex relationships unresolved in Darrell's home country, the logistics behind such a move could be extremely difficult presently.Preferred Option
People are very honest out here. I love their blunt banter. Many people have said, I am thinking far too much and at the moment, I should just continue doing what I am, and see where the future takes me. I understand their views! It is difficult not working to a long term plan, as we are all taught to do as young adults. I have a plan in my head of course, but at present I can only see a day ahead in the future, no more than that.
I obviously do have a preferred option and yes think about it every day, to the horror of those who tell me not too. Personally I see our medium term future, rooted here in Spain. We will not be going back to The UK and Australia does seem to be a difficult choice to make, whilst an inward looking, homophobic Government exists in Canberra. The current Liberal Government, akin to our Conservative Party, will not recognise our Marriage status and it does not look like it will change any time soon, especially when The LIberals are expected to win another term in office. I always found Australia to be rather backwards in embracing modernity, from previous attempts to live there. Until the rules are changed, to allow us to stay together, we will be living in Spain. My feelings for this country, grow stronger each day, so chances are in a few years, I will be totally at one with where I am anyway.
I am constantly told to stay put, don't worry and just switch off, so currently I will see how this year pans out, before I make any final decisions. The unsettling nature of life here is a problem for me and stability is the most important aim over the next few months. The jobs market and restrictive practices in Spain are not going to change anytime soon, so we really need to work as the Spanish do and live with our situation as it is.
The consensus seems to be, sit and wait, We have decided to do just that at the moment. Personally I want to live my life here for as long as I can. I do enjoy this place and the people who live here. Working together with the friends we have made, is the first step to continual contentment. Helping one another through unstable times is a great place to start. It would not happen in The UK, but it does here, especially when one realises that many of us are in the same boat!
Darrell is currently at Katie's looking for employment opportunities, with her help. I could not help Darrell look for alternative work as it would probably end in an argument, as it often does with couples. We both believe, that as long as we have enough money to survive, that is all that matters. Wages are lower and the nature of working is very different, but these things are not insurmountable. I don't need much around me anymore, having sold most of what I had before we moved out. I have discovered, I do not need things and money to be happy, just enough income to survive until something better comes along is more than enough. If nothing does transpire, then we will of course re-evaluate our options then. For now, we will stick to what we are doing!A few words about Blogging
I was talking to Katie last night, about why people read blogs, both mine and otherwise. Well as someone who enjoys writing and always has a lot to say, blogging is a way of getting a message across to others who live very different lives . It's rather like the 'Big Brother' syndrome, where readers can pop in and out of someone's life, at will, either making themselves feel more at ease with their own destiny or dreaming of a life inspired by someone else. My life is not conventional, it never has been. My online diary is about my feelings and emotions and on occasion others can relate to that. Others have used what I write to change their outlook or quite simply regard the words as a good read. I write the truth, always have done and I am proud of that.
Blogging also keeps me occupied, at times when I am not busy, giving me an outlet for expressing my views. It caters for discipline, gives me structure and also a sense of routine, which is lacking in my life at the moment. First and foremost I write for myself. If others are interested then that is a good thing, if it helps them, even better.
I will always blog, that will not change and my aspirations to become a professional writer, is something I will always work towards. Keep reading and commenting. Without those who read my blogs, the sense of purpose I now feel, would not be possible!
Blogging remains a way of reaching out to those mortals who are interested in your life, not necessarily because of me or my loved ones, but because of the road I am travelling, either through the high's and low's of Bipolar, the changing nature of my relationships with friends and family or my travels throughout the World. People have told me in the past, how a particular piece of writing has meant something to them, a common experience for the way they are feeling now or in the past expressed in a manner that struck a chord. Like painting, dance or acting, writing is a way of articulating one's character, state of mind or current disposition and it is the medium I use most. My writing does of course change, depending on where I am, psychologically, but that is all part of the deep crasis, that emcompasses me as a person, I am complicated, philosophical and questioning. Equally I am positive, generous and inclusive and I hope each and every part of my persona, is expressed in the way I write.
My blog is a journal, that I try and contribute to every single day. The entries are intuitive, written with visceral intent. At times they are raw, primeval, often or not, sensile, but importantly they are all a part of me, recorded at a certain point in time, when I am feeling a certain way. Not everyone appreciates the words I write and at times they may cause offence. I make no apologies for that. Controversy is a good thing! If it achieves an aim to help or make others aware of important issues, then at least my words can have some real meaning!
Peace and love, always! -
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It has been a strange few weeks here for myself and Darrell in Spain. Today I have done a lot of soul searching and thinking. This is the inbetween bit, the period between calm and madness, just before the tourists arrive in droves for the summer season. By all accounts it has happened later this year, so we wait, just a little bit longer and see where this rollercoaster ride takes us. I have never experienced seasonal work, so really have no idea what to expect, but from what I am told, it will get busy beyond belief.
Mine and Darrell's circumstances changed, like a bolt from the blue. Another difficult time to go through, that will ultimately change our plans for the future. Leaving The UK, was the biggest challenge of my life. It was so hard having to leave family and friends behind, but necessary after the experiences we went through, that could never be healed, whilst living in a place, so full of nightmares. Spain was indeed our saving grace, it has given us time to breath again, take stock and finally learn to love us and the people who are now a large part of our life, When we left Britain, there wasn't much love left. Horrific experiences, tend to turn one's heart cold and one becomes dead to the World around. Spain has shown us that there is a World out there, far removed from what came before. The welcoming nature of the expat community, the genuine help and support given freely, without any expectations and the cheerful, almost joyous disposition of those who we consider close has almost erased the past, we so need to forget. A community, acting as a community should successfully, is amazing to see first hand. Sometimes I just sit quietly, not quite believing how lucky I am, to have ended up here. I never knew this place or even imagined what it was, that made it tick, but today, I am fully aware of what these people mean to me. They have meant acceptance and a sense of belonging, after a year of detachment and isolation!
It has been a few weeks of up's and down's. Realising what some people are really like has been difficult, but dealt with swiftly, so as not to prolong any difficulties and angst. I for one have learned many lessons , even in the last few days and will probably continue to grow more and more as time goes on. Sometimes you know someone in a different place and time, that wasn't really real. A strong sense of reality is born of experience. When you eventually wake up and see the remains of the past you left behind, although hard, the realisation that what you see before you is horrific, is yet another reason to keep battling on, all the time removing the stumbling blocks to success and determination.
Homesickness has been a problem for someone we live with and is close to us, like a son. When you are young, leaving home for the first time, it is hard, very hard. He knows that one day we will return to Australia and he will go back to the UK and the bonds we have will cease to exist, which is upsetting for all of us. We all came from difficult circumstances and went through shared problems and pain together, so parting ways in the future will be hard, but it will happen. We all have our paths to follow, which are very different. Myself and Darrell's journey will never take us back to Britain, The pain there is too raw for us, but of course for some it will. I worry about him falling into the same old traps, but would hope his friends will help prevent that from happening, otherwise I fear for the future. Nothing is set in stone and he is well loved here, works hard and could forge a good life, given the chances he never had at home and the break he needs to succeed. I'm sure when the season ends, he will do what is right for him and we will of course support that!
Going back to Australia in November is an option we are considering for many reasons, most of them personal. This path is littered with obstacles, due to the nature of our relationship. Australia still hasn't recognised gay marriage, and as such, I would have to return to Australia, much as I did in 1995, as a second class citizen, only able to stay on a visa, renewed on a three monthly basis and costing thousands of dollars a time. From what we believe, Australia will allow the public a vote on whether or not to recognise same sex marriage eventually. I am really not sure that is the correct thing to do, but it is a promise the current Government made to the Church. If gay marriage is finally recognised, it will solve many of our fears and make the process of emigrating for me much easier. We have also considered Darrell living in Australia for a while, whilst I remain here, until the law's change and also keeping the status quo and both of us staying in Spain. We at least have many options to digest!
Brexit is also a determining factor for our future. We are well aware that our status in Spain could very well change in two years time. The panic on The Costa's after the Leave vote is very real, though in my view an over reaction. Expats have already put their homes on the market and there is a real sense of impending doom. These are not of course my views and I believe Spain has a lot to lose, by putting conditions or worse on our lives out here. Quite simply they will not. Despite this vote, we have to take Brexit into consideration, when deciding our own future. The squares in Spain are full of rumour and chatter and it could change the nature of work out here. If the tourists stop coming and the houses are sold, there would be very little future for anyone, especially in an area such as ours, so a move to Australia would be welcome. One must remember, all the time, that this is turmoil based on panic, so I hope people see sense.
For the moment, home is Spain, our future is not certain and we live each day as it comes. We have only been here for six months, but it feels like a life time. If you ever feel like living the Spanish dream, don't think twice, you will learn so much from your time here, most of it good. Wherever we end up in the end, this place will always have a unique place in my heart, lets hope for the forseeable future!
Peace and love, always! -
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Nobody ever said Spain would be an easy option. Nobody said all our problems would be solved, but with all the turmoil engulfing The UK, Spain feels like the safe option today.
There are many problems with my adopted home, but nothing is insurmountable, impossible or worth a try.
You have to keep living, wherever you are, Spain, Britain or Australia, but until the changes that continue inside us, are complete, it's time to achieve all we can and be thankful for what we have!
Luke Martin Jones 27 June 2016 - Forever making decisions!
