Blogging, New Horizons!

I'm still in that strange inbetween place at the moment.  Not knowing where we will be long term, can  not only be unstable, but also an emotional rollercoaster ride at times. Up until very recently, I was extremely content living and working in Spain, and 90% of me still is, but there is that nagging percentage, that makes me think too much and re-evaluate my life and decisions on occasion.  I am not completely happy about where I am and where my life is heading.  I have written about the reasons for this and as usual in my life, my feelings do centre around other people.  Emotions from others, who are close to us, do obviously rub off on the way I think.  We have made a few mistakes here, invited the wrong person to stay and they are in part responsible for upsetting, what was a very happy balance.  You do live and learn as they say.

My immediate reaction is, we are going to stay, because we have to.  With much to prove to ourselves and the love we already have for this place, despite its quirks and difficulties, we do have to at least give this place a go.  Spain has put obstacles in our way, as do other unsavoury characters, thankfully no longer with us, but we are both fully aware of destiny and surviving through tough times.  After the last year, nothing really phases us anymore. It is possible to overcome any challenge thrown our way, we just need to look at the greater picture!  Working together, with the people we know is the key to success. When you live in a community, such as ours, other like minded individuals are important.  They at least offer motivation and continuity, when you need it most!

​We have known Katie and Andy for about six weeks now.  They arrived here, much like we did and are suffering the up's and down's of living in Gran Alacant.  When one make a conscious decision to leave one's home, travel abroad and make a new life, it is in my opinion an emotional choice.  In our case we could have quite easily stayed in The UK, but emotionally that would have been the wrong decision for us.  After talking to Katie and Andy I do get the same impression.  We regard both of these guys and of course their daughter Lexi, as real friends.  Not only have they gone out of their way to help us, but we have also done the same.  Out of everyone of us, Katie most certainly seems the most settled and at ease with her decision to move to Spain. She has lived in Spain before, her Spanish isn't too bad and she knows what it is like to restart, reboot and begin a new journey.    For me, not feeling 100% at the moment, it can be hard adjusting to my new life, not because I don't like it, but because there is uncertainty with our direction currently.  With Darrell's mother unwell, there is a real possibility of moving to Australia.  With the situation, regarding same sex relationships unresolved in Darrell's home country, the logistics behind such a move could be extremely difficult presently.

People are very honest out here.  I love their  blunt banter.  Many people have said, I am thinking far too much and at the moment, I should just continue doing what I am, and see where the future takes me.  I understand their views!  It is difficult not working to a long term plan, as we are all taught to do as young adults.  I have a plan in my head of course, but at present I can only see a day ahead in the future, no more than that.

I obviously do have a preferred option and yes think about it every day, to the horror of those who tell me not too.  Personally I see our medium term future, rooted here in Spain.  We will not be going back to The UK and Australia does seem to be a difficult choice to make, whilst an inward looking, homophobic Government exists in Canberra. The current Liberal Government, akin to our Conservative Party, will not recognise our Marriage status and it does not look like it will change any time soon, especially when The LIberals are expected to win another term in office.  I always found Australia to be rather backwards in embracing modernity, from previous attempts to live there.  Until the rules are changed, to allow us to stay together, we will be living in Spain. My feelings for this country, grow stronger each day, so chances are in a few years, I will be totally at one with where I am anyway.

I am constantly told to stay put, don't worry and just switch off, so currently I will see how this year pans out, before I make any final decisions.  The unsettling nature of life here is a problem for me and stability is the most important aim over the next few months.  The jobs market and restrictive practices in Spain are not going to change anytime soon, so we really need to work as the Spanish do and live with our situation as it is.

The consensus seems to be, sit and wait, We have decided to do just that at the moment.  Personally I want to live my life here for as long as I can. I do enjoy this place and the people who live here.  Working together with the friends we have made, is the first step to continual contentment.  Helping one another through unstable times is a great place to start.  It would not happen in The UK, but it does here, especially when one realises that many of us are in the same boat!

Darrell is currently at Katie's looking for employment opportunities, with her help.  I could not help Darrell look for alternative work as it would probably end in an argument, as it often does with couples.  We both believe, that as long as we have enough money to survive, that is all that matters.  Wages are lower and the nature of working is very different, but these things are not insurmountable.  I don't need much around me anymore, having sold most of what I had before we moved out. I have discovered, I do not need things and money to be happy, just enough income to survive until something better comes along is more than enough.  If nothing does transpire, then we will of course re-evaluate our options then.  For now, we will stick to what we are doing!

I was talking to Katie last night, about why people read blogs, both mine and otherwise. Well as someone who enjoys writing and always has a lot to say, blogging is a way of getting a message across to others who live very different lives .  It's rather like the 'Big Brother' syndrome, where readers can pop in and out of someone's life, at will, either making themselves feel more at ease with their own destiny or dreaming of a life inspired by someone else.  My life is not conventional, it never has been.  My online diary is about my feelings and emotions and on occasion others can relate to that. Others have used what I write to change their outlook or quite simply regard the words as a good read.  I write the truth, always have done and I am proud of that.

Blogging also keeps me occupied, at times when I am not busy, giving me an outlet for expressing my views.  It caters for discipline, gives me structure and also a sense of routine, which is lacking in my life at the moment.  First and foremost I write for myself.  If others are interested then that is a good thing, if it helps them, even better.

I will always blog, that will not change and my aspirations to become a professional writer, is something I will always work towards.  Keep reading and commenting. Without those who read my blogs, the sense of purpose I now feel, would not be possible!

Blogging remains a way of reaching out to those mortals who are interested in your life, not necessarily because of me or my loved ones, but because of the road I am travelling, either through the high's and low's of Bipolar, the changing nature of my relationships with friends and family or my travels throughout the World.  People have told me in the past, how a particular piece of writing has meant something to them, a common experience for the way they are feeling now or in the past expressed in a manner that struck a chord. Like painting, dance or acting, writing is a way of articulating one's character, state of mind or current disposition and it is the medium I use most.  My writing does of course change, depending on where I am, psychologically, but that is all part of the deep crasis, that emcompasses me as a person,  I am complicated, philosophical and questioning.  Equally I am positive, generous and inclusive and I hope each and every part of my persona, is expressed in the way I write.

My blog is a journal, that I try and contribute to every single day.  The entries are intuitive, written with visceral intent.  At times they are raw, primeval, often or not, sensile, but importantly they are all a part of me, recorded at a certain point in time, when I am feeling a certain way.  Not everyone appreciates the words I write and at times they may cause offence.  I make no apologies for that.  Controversy is a good thing!  If it achieves an aim to help or make others aware of important issues, then at least my words can have some real meaning!

​Peace and love, always!