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    Out of Self Isolation, Into The New Year!

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    Well here we are, the end of 2020, and I couldn't be happier to say goodbye to this terrible year. I am still in self-isolation, after my COVID exposure on 21 December, which has been driving me mad it has to be said. My period of quarantine ends tonight at 11.59, just in time for the new year. Like most people I won't be celebrating, so it isn't too much of an issue for me. Listening to the news earlier, it's clear all celebrations are cancelled across the country, with no firework displays, parties and events. This will be a strange night, very different to years gone by, and I will be in bed by 9pm for an early shift at work and my first day back tomorrow!

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    This is the second period of isolation I have had to do during this pandemic, and it really doesn't get any easier. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy having time to myself, but being confined indoors, not being able to leave the house, really does take its toll on ones sense of well-being, both physically and mentally. I have managed to catch up on my writing; I'm In the middle of writing my life story, even though it isn't finished quite yet... The book that is, not my life and I have also started reading again, a distraction I rarely have time for these days.

    I have also let myself go somewhat, spending the last week in my Pyjamas and not shaving as I normally would every day; well what's the point, I'm only rattling around at home. I've also caught up with friends and family on the phone and had a well-earned rest. Watching television has also taken up a lot of my time, keeping up-to-date with the latest on the pandemic, which seems to be getting worse every day; formidably so!

    People say to me, you spend too much time thinking about this damn pandemic, and I can't disagree. I have always had an interest in current affairs and politics, but this time it's more than that, it's personal. It may sound stupid, but the reality is, I don't want to end up ill or dead before I see Darrell again. I am truly scared that this virus will stop our relationship in its tracks, not because we will end up separating, that will never happen, but because of circumstances beyond our control.

    Both of us have always been in control of our destiny together and when you are separated against your will, you have all sorts of thoughts and feelings slushing around your head. It feels like a pool of water, constantly shifting, moving, agitating against the sides of my skull, frequently keeping me awake and my mind active, sometimes paused ever so slightly, for a few seconds, just to burst back into life once more. This terrible virus has given me far too much time to think and my emotions are deeply skewed because of it!

    Once again my procrastination has got to me and I need to get back to work, in the real World, no matter how bad things are at the moment, and return to normal. You can see why peoples mental health has suffered during the last year and quarantine just exacerbates negative thoughts and feelings. As I move into 2021, I want that positive side of me back, not the person who lives in the dark, never able to see the light.

    A very Happy New Year to all of you, thank you for your continued support
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    Zoe - COVID, This is real!

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    I want to thank a dear work colleague, Zoe, for allowing me to publish her battle with COVID on my blog. This virus is real, it kills and Zoe wants people to understand that, especially the younger generation. I am just thankful she is on the mend!
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    Thank you to all for your kind lovely messages, my Christmas wish this year is for good health.

    I have been fighting COVID-19 now for 10 days. 10 days in self-isolation alone in my flat in four walls, filled with the most horrific anxiety I’ve ever had… My first symptom was a temperature of nearly 39C which lasted on/off for 48 hours. No taste or smell for 2 weeks & I still can’t taste or smell a thing. A persistent cough which I still have & could linger for a couple of weeks… I can only describe as razor blades every time you inhale… Gasping for breath. Shivers, shakes, sweats, muscle aches, panic attacks & tears in the middle of the night at 4am, just wanting a cuddle from my Mum knowing I can’t see her or touch her for what feels like a lifetime, every second, minute, hour that goes by… Just watching time which feels never ending, feeling trapped, fighting to get better… I’ve fought it hard. My body’s fought hard. I’m exhausted, I can’t stop sleeping at the moment…

    But I am now free of this awful virus & the recovery process can start. I am grateful & blessed to be able to step outside my flat for the first time in nearly 2 weeks & take a 10-minute walk over Christmas in the fresh air alone. Physically & mentally I can’t express how much this virus will knock you if you catch it…

    To the younger generation like myself, ANYONE can get this, it isn’t just the elderly. Please protect your families over the Christmas period. I am so relieved I caught this & not one of my family members. Every day in incubation I hoped & prayed for their health & that they hadn’t & wouldn’t catch this virus from me. This virus is real, it’s nasty & emotionally & physically draining but during my isolation I have had the time to really reflect on the situation. It’s definitely taught me what’s important in life… My family. They are my priority.

    Please protect the ones you love. I’m posting this to try & help raise awareness to the younger generation that this is REAL. If reading this can at least help one person then please pass it on to someone who may wish to hear it… For anyone who is struggling & you fear your mental health is declining, my inbox is always open to talk & for anyone who is currently self-isolating with COVID & tips/advice on how to get through it… Please drop me a message. You will be OK… Make sure you rest & drink plenty of fluids. Even if you struggle to eat… Stay hydrated & don’t sleep on your back (you will restrict your airways) Sleep propped up on your side or flat on your stomach if you are feeling breathless, keep calm, do NOT panic. I can’t express this enough. I would be happy to share my story to help those in need… Please feel free to share… Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year to all… Stay safe everyone… Stay healthy
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  • Published on

    Year In Review 2020!

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    To be honest, I was in two minds, whether to even write a review this year, but, this has been a particularly important milestone in my life, so it is necessary to include it. Generally one could sum up 2020 in one word 'COVID,' the one thing that has dominated all our lives and the one thing that just keeps on giving. This has been a memorable year for sure, but for all the wrong reasons and this isn't a period I want to repeat in the future. 2020 has been like a large dark cloud hovering over my head for nearly twelve months, rather like periods of depression I have suffered in the past, and it is a reminder of everything I have lost, in fact everything we have all lost. This was the year none of us want to remember and a time we all want to forget!

    The last time I saw Darrell was in November 2019, when he returned home to be with his Mother, after a short stay in the UK. By January 2020, we were planning our next trip to see one another in Japan and Thailand. In February our flights were booked, itinerary finalised, and we were ready for our next holiday in Asia. At the beginning of the year, COVID-19 was a problem on the other side of the World and by the time we were due to meet, it would have disappeared. Little could I have known then, just what position I would be in today. I was optimistic about the future all those months ago and looking forward to seeing my husband once again, however dreams can shatter as quickly as they appear and circumstances destroy 'best laid plans of mice and men.'

    This first quarter of the year was a far cry from the World we live in today. Things were relatively normal and like Darrell, I was in good spirits. This was short-lived; the pandemic took hold in Europe and then Britain; the tide began to change. As a country, we kept our boarders open, while Darrell's home country of Australia closed theirs. Death rates began to rise dramatically, and I felt myself falling into a situation I couldn't resolve. By the time of the first lockdown, I was feeling worn out and tired, as new social distancing measures were brought in. My working life changed markedly and the air was thick with anxiety, as all of us fought our own battles to overcome the 'new normal' we were all living through.

    At the end of March, I suddenly lost my sense of taste and smell, along with several other colleagues. At the time this wasn't a recognised symptom of Coronavirus and although I knew there was something up, I carried on, very much in the same vein as I had before. Always obsessive, like I am today, I sanitized my hands every few minutes and kept as wider distance from others as I could. This virus was scaring the hell out of me; the more days that passed, the more we found out about this infection and the more apprehensive I became. Daily press conferences, twenty-four hour rolling news and scenes of sheer panic in hospitals, reinforced the nations respect for the National Health Service, as we clapped for carers every Thursday night. These were strange, unnerving and daunting days.

    At the beginning of April, as I awoke one morning, after a sleepless night, I felt my temperature rising and my breathing more laboured. I immediately phoned 111 and described my symptoms. They were not classic COVID symptoms as we know them today, but they were enough for me to have to self-isolate for a week. After just a few days I felt well and able to return to work after my stretch of quarantine. People ask me today, if they think I had the virus, to which I reply 'yes, I think so.' You have to remember there were no tests available at the time and a loss of taste and smell wasn't recognised as a symptom like it is today. If I had to hazard a guess as to my condition, I would say it was virus related, but I am cautious. As someone who has many of the 'red flags' for a far worse reaction to COVID, I would have expected a more severe manifestation; that makes me unsure as to the reasons behind my anosmia; only time will tell.

    I spent the summer walking across the city of Portsmouth; with time on my hands I was able to explore this great naval city I now call home. I decided to cut my hours at work and only go in when absolutely required to do so, protecting myself at every juncture. This allowed me time to myself and although I felt terribly lonely on occasion, I was grateful for the chance to do things I wouldn't normally have done. The three-month national lockdown improved my level of fitness, but left my mental state in tatters. Isolated, with very little human contact, I did my best to get through the difficulties, as I still do today.

    The rest of the year, after lockdown has been much the same - in and out of quarantine, pubs reopening and closing, stopping and starting work, 'Eat Out To Help Out,' (which probably made the virus worse) and mistake after mistake from the powers that be. I have really lost all sense of reality over the last few months, unable to understand just what rules we have to follow, how many people we can have in our 'bubble,' or what all the different tier restrictions mean. After, what I can only describe as the 'continuing Government fiasco,' I have learnt to do what I think is best and always follow my own instincts. I have started to ignore the official wishy-washy approach to this virus and do all I can to look after number one. I always wear a mask, clean my hands and keep a two-meter distance from everyone else.

    On the plus side, I have been able to meet my friend Ramona over the last three months, and we had begun to rekindle our thirty-year friendship. That was at least until we headed into a new lockdown of sorts and entered the new Tier 4. Equally, Darrell and I are speaking more than ever and are beginning to plan for the future, looking towards a brighter 2021.

    As we approach the New Year, the UK has started to vaccinate us against this modern day plague, after the Pfizer vaccine was approved for use. It looks as though the Oxford AstraZeneca vaccine will also be rubber-stamped within days and the mass inoculation programme will pick up pace. Like most people I am hoping to be immunized against COVID-19 sometime next year. However, until then, there will likely be more disruption, as like me today, people are asked to self-isolate from the outside World, if they come in contact with a COVID positive person, and Britain moves from curtailment to emancipation in equal measure.

    There will be no travelling for me next year, rather like 2020. I want to be sure I am fit enough to fly, but I am looking forward to a time, when I can get on a plane again and travel back to the Asian continent, a region I adore. Until that is possible, Darrell will hopefully fly home next year, and we can both begin the long hard slog back to normal, away from the threat of the virus. Cohabiting together once more after this strange pause in all our lives has been restarted, our partnership will return to convention and all of this will be but a distant memory. 2021, the year of the vaccine will mark the beginning of the end of COVID-19 and a climax to this dystopian World all of us now inhabit.
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  • Published on

    Say Hello, Wave Goodbye!

    Christmas Events & Occasions Family Personal Writing Relationships letters-of-hope
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    This Christmas for me, like so many other people has been one of the strangest. Apart from Christmas 2016, just after my husband passed away, which even now I have little memory of, this holiday has been incredibly difficult. I am so used to having a house full of family and friends at Christmas, it really hasn't felt the same. I was not able to spend Christmas Day with my daughter and her partner as planned and this affected me badly. They did however drop my present round which left me speechless and made me cry. It is quite honestly the best present I have ever had. I have always preferred personal gifts to any other. They had been through my photos on facebook and had a selection of them printed on canvas. Some of my best memories. It really is the most personal and thoughtful gift and something I will always treasure. It also made me think of things that have happened this year.

    As we approach the end of what I can only describe as the most bizarre year I've known, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on what has happened since last Christmas. Christmas Day 2019 was so full of fun. I'd recently entered a new relationship the month before, my first since losing my husband, which was exciting and terrifying at the same time. I usually spend both Christmas and Boxing Day cooking for everyone and end up eating far too much, and regretting it, but last year I broke from tradition, the first time in 20 years and went to the football with my friend. It turned out to be the most fun Boxing Day I'd had in years. I spoke to my friend the other day about it, and we laughed at the memory but were also both sad as we knew this year wouldn't be the same.

    The New Year held so much promise. I was the happiest I'd been in a long time as I saw in 2020, all seemed perfect, and I was so optimistic at what was ahead. The months that followed saw me the most content, happy and relaxed. Even with the outbreak of COVID-19 and a national lockdown, which no one had ever seen before and the challenges that brought, I was happy in my personal life. I took a huge risk and allowed myself to fall in love. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be. Whilst I have been incredibly sad things didn't work out I can look back on that brief encounter and be grateful. I have many happy memories and I discovered a lot of new things and have learnt a lot about myself, about what I want, what I like and what I need. I've met new people, and I've found the courage to write.

    The ending of my relationship, contributed somewhat to me hitting the low point at the beginning of November. I felt very lost and made some poor decisions. Several weeks back I was asked out by a guy. I really wasn't in the right place but agreed even though I knew it was for the wrong reasons. We went out on several socially distanced dates. I guess I was enjoying the company and attention I was receiving, but I knew in my heart it wasn't right. I have never been one to jump from relationship to relationship. He was keen for us to progress from dating. I wasn't as I'm still trying to put back together my heart and my head. I withdrew and became quite cold and distant, something that is the total opposite to how I am normally. He was very persistent and started to send me gifts which just freaked me out even more. I asked advice from one of my closest friends, and he told me quite bluntly I was being an idiot and that I was just going to hurt a decent guy and end up making myself feel worse in the process. He of course was right. I did the right thing and ended it.

    Whilst I cannot undo what has been done I can accept I need time. Love is not an emotion that can be switched on and off. I have only been in love twice in my life. As my husband died that love hasn't disappeared, it's just different. Having a relationship end is not the same. For me there's regret, hurt and unanswered questions. There is also the sadness thinking of the fun times and also an element of what if.

    This New Year's Eve I won't be surrounded by people I love and care about. The first time in my life. I doubt I'll sit up to see the new year in, but I shall raise a glass and say goodbye to 2020. It's been a rollercoaster ride. I will also raise a glass to my ex to thank him for the good times and for giving me something that I am very grateful for, and to silently wish him the best for the new year.

    I have one wish for 2021 and that is it will be a happier and healthy year for all. I hope we can reunite with loved ones and friends soon. I hope that everybody can look back this time next year and reflect on happier and fun times. Like the song by Soft Cell Say Hello, Wave Goodbye, I shall be doing just that. Saying hello to 2021 and looking forward to what it brings and wave goodbye to a year like no other, it's not all been bad!
  • Published on

    My COVID Christmas!

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    Well what a strange Christmas this has been. We were lucky enough to have been able to spend time with my Cousin Rachel and the kids, who are in our social bubble, but sadly we haven't been able to see anyone else. Christmas is of course for children, so it was lovely to see their faces light up on Christmas Day opening their presents. As a unit we spent quality time with each other, at a time of great anxiety and fear. Others were not quite so lucky.

    Due to my Brother self-isolating, my father was unable to travel from his Tier 2 home to see him over Christmas. Sadly Dad had to spend the festive season alone, although with his home moving into Tier 4 on Boxing Day, it did seem he wouldn't have been able to drive there in any case. The rules are so long and confusing now, many of us, including me are just confused about the whole thing, but carrying on as best we can under the most extreme circumstances.

    I managed to take a video call with my Father on Christmas morning, where we toasted family. We also remembered those who died and chatted about politics, as we always do. Dad managed to cook himself a Christmas meal, as well as having a few glasses of wine. He seemed relaxed, although looked rather sad, at being on his own this Christmas. There are of course many people in his position this year, I just hope next year, things will be very different.

    Suitably fed, we played party games, watched some television and listened to music. If it wasn't for COVID, one could be forgiven for believing we are living in normal times. A rude awakening would change that tomorrow and reality would come knocking at the door!

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    On Boxing Day, as I sat watching the television, I received a message from 'Track and Trace' informing me that I had been in contact with someone who had Coronavirus and I should immediately quarantine myself, for a period of six days. It seems I came into contact with them on 22nd December. At first, I was rather confused why I hadn't been given a ten-day period of self-isolation, but realised, the app took account of when the infected person first reported symptoms; one of the great failures in this system. This was a shock to me; I am however extremely careful around people these days, so hope I will be fine, by the time I return to work on Friday.

    It is rather unnerving when you receive that message, so much information to process, emails and text messages go back and forth, online forms to fill in and people to contact. It really is part of life now, as all of us come to terms with the new mutant COVID strain that is quickly running through the population. I will most certainly be wearing my mask at all times, inside and out and hope you will to.

    Christmas has highlighted the importance of family in all our lives. Not being close to the people you love, just makes the burden of 2020 that much harder to bear. Understanding we will all see each other again and these terrible times won't last forever, is a great way to stay positive and look forward to better, productive and joyous times.

    Please stay safe everyone!
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    Absent Friends!

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    2020 has been a terrible year. Unable to spend time with family and friends and in tribute to those who have lost their lives during the pandemic, we resurrected our family toast, to drink to loved ones, wherever they are. All of us were together in spirit, as we did our best to celebrate Christmas in a smaller more intimate way. They say a photo can tell a story, well this one records our Christmas, the people who should have been a part of it and a day spent with those closest. A single family unit, support bubble or alone with our thoughts, Christmas 2020 was an altogether different affair!
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