I'm a watcher, observer and a lover of people; everyone I meet, no matter who they are. I have met many weird and wonderful characters in my lifetime, most of who remain distant memories of the past, not always good ones. I have lost contact with many I regarded as close; through mutual agreement, moving away, circumstances and in some rare cases because of difficulties and troubled times. Despite my inner circle of friends gradually getting smaller, I am still a people person, who enjoys the company of others and have many regrets over the loss of friends, who meant something to me then and still do now. If I had my time again, I would however, have done things a little differently. I am an extremely difficult person to get close to, but that wasn't always the case.
My past is littered with debris and collateral damage, from those who used to be a part of my life. I was probably the most welcoming person I knew, always taking people at face value, believing what they said to me to be true. I never once questioned my judgement, after all, I was always honest, surely others were too? Well as I know now, most people are not sincere, far from it; they are out for what they can get, from unsuspecting people like me, victims of their next scam, lie or opportunity. Things weren't always this way, time has taught me a great deal, but way back in the past, my relationships with others were very different.
I left school in 1987; attending college in the small town of Fareham, Hampshire. This was my chance to meet others and make my own evaluations, about who they were, gage an opinion and maybe, just maybe form a bond. I made many new friends during this period, several remain close today. In the main, I thoroughly enjoyed my first dip into adulthood and the relationships I formed. There were no warning signs, of troubles to come. I was the odd one out, in many respects, often seen sitting in lectures, wearing a bow tie, or completing my homework in the local pub, the Admiral Cunningham.' This eccentric behaviour never stopped me from forming associations with others, who accepted me for who I was, not who they wanted me to be.
When I left college and went to University, my friendships began to take a turn for the worst. The people I grew up and went to college with in Fareham, were of similar outlook and character. We were 'small town' and acted accordingly, knowing know better. Moving to a city opened up a whole new World, full of contrasting individuals, from different walks of life; a melting pot of views and contention. If I thought I knew people, I was sadly mistaken. I am only in contact with one good friend, from my University days; myself and Ramona were inseparable, always in each others company. I am thankful I gained a close 'mate' from that period, because University for me, was not a happy time. I met many difficult, unscrupulous people, who were out for what they could get, thinking nothing about others feelings and emotions to get where they wanted to be. This was my first brush, with the less savoury elements of society. Friendships conceived at University and continued afterwards, in the belief they were akin to family. Manipulators are great at telling you what you want to hear, to make you feel accepted and happy with your sense of self worth. I was very naive and foolish, living in a big city for the first time, ripe for taking advantage of.
This really became the story of my life. Manipulative people, taking advantage of my vulnerabilities, in order to gain control and the upper hand. People like me are victims because we attract bullies like bees to honey. I have had many close friends who are no longer apart of my life because I chose to walk away, discovering they were not who they claimed to be or unable to inflict their warped sense of reality on me any further. My desire for closeness, always created conflict. If I believed I wasn't getting a 100% return from those in my life, matched equally and entirely through my own words and actions, I would discard them. My views of loyalty. allegiance and commitment were not the same for other people. I could not accept that everyone was different; this shouldn't have made them any less worthy as friends. I had just been hurt too many times and learned to remove and replace, rather than understand and embrace.
Moving to Spain caused me to lose many people. During my last few days in Britain I pushed those close away, causing trouble, when there was none there, in order to break away. I was never any good at saying goodbye; my head was in such a bad place, it was easier to ignore the feelings of others and just turn the other cheek, which is essentially what I did, to my regret. I still have feelings for those back home, hear from many of them regularly and open my house in Spain for visits whenever I can but I do not have contact with my closest confidantes; I choose to block out the loss rather than confront the implications. I find any sort of dispossession as a failure and prefer to ignore the consequences; it's easier to bail out!
I am living my life very differently in Spain, refusing to form lasting bonds with anyone. I have loads of friends and acquaintances, just no one close. Many of the problems that brought me to Spain in the first place, transpired because of my trusting nature, believing everyone was honest and interested for the right reasons. As I am well aware of now, nothing could be further from the truth. I remain guarded, slightly bitter maybe, aloof and in the main coldly emotionless to the needs of others. Don't get me wrong, I will still go out of my way to help someone, but will never be able to fulfill another's need for closeness, it is no longer within my psyche. I have been bitten far too many times, to welcome with open arms. Today it is myself and Darrell against the World, there is no longer any room for hangers on, users and abusers. I am well aware of the worst life can throw my way, have learned a great many lessons and will always respond accordingly; I have no desire to travel down the same paths I have trodden before. Today my strength is in my experiences and they tell me when enough is enough!
