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    Afghanistan — 'All I can do is observe from the sidelines!'

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    I have always done my best to help others when they are experiencing hardship; it is the mark of a civilised society, to be there for those in need. Looking at the scenes from Afghanistan over the last few weeks, has been harrowing. The frustration I feel towards The United States and Britain, in withdrawing troops from the country in such a chaotic, orderless way, is just too emotionally charged to print on here. Safe to say, I am furious and exasperated at the television broadcasts I see daily.

    A few days ago, I was contacted by an Afghani, who I will refer to as Insaf, who is in a wretched situation. Having worked for the Americans, his life is now in danger, as The Taliban take over Afghanistan. Living in Kabul, he is now lying low and has asked me to pass on documentation to anyone who can help him exit the city. He has filled in the visa application required to fly to the US, but has not heard back from the immigration authorities. With the window of opportunity closing fast, it looks likely Insaf will be left behind, in a sea of anguish and desperation, like thousands of others, displaced by this dangerous withdrawal of allied troops.

    Of course, as a British citizen, there is very little I can do to help, but I am trying my best. Insaf, has sent me important documents, including his National Identity Card, personal details and a 'Statement of Threat,' detailing his precarious circumstances. Reading through this document, I was terrified at what could happen to him and his family. He has had direct threats from the Taliban in person and on his phone, and has been told his life is in danger. I feel particularly helpless and just wish there was more I could do.

    Whilst messaging him yesterday, I soon became aware that The Taliban were outside his house, checking his neighbourhood for anyone who had worked with or for the Americans. This poor guy was hiding from view, trying to avoid a group of people, responsible for some truly heinous acts of depravity. All I can do is chat, make sure he is OK and try to offer a semblance of calm and normality. This young man is clearly frightened and fearful, scared for his life; I can only observe from the sidelines, unaware of the dangers Insaf faces every hour. The situation in Kabul  has become increasingly desperate and deeply personal for me; this is a fight I feel involved in, and I just want to help in any way I can.

    I have sent all the documentation I have to the American State Department, as well as various people here in The UK, who I believe can help. These include the Defence Secretary, Armed Forces Minister and other Members of Parliament, who can reach out and highlight his case. I have also forwarded all the information to western media outlets, inside and outside of Afghanistan, who may just be able to facilitate safe passage for Insaf and his family. I have heard back from Ben Wallace, the Defence Secretary, who has passed details of his case to the Ministry of Defence, and the hope is, he will speak to his American counterpart.

    All of us at Roaming Brit want to wish Insaf well, as he navigates his journey out of Kabul. I hope he can get to safety soon, either as part of the ongoing airlift or via any of the land borders that remain open. In the meantime, I will stay in contact and continue to bring his case to the attention of the British and American Governments. People like Insaf can not be forgotten, we owe them a great deal; they must be rescued and resettled, protected from the Taliban and ensured safe passage out of Afghanistan!
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    A Week of Highs and Lows!

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    Still Looking For Answers
    I have been feeling a little under the weather over the past week. Whether because of post-operative blues or a general return to the status quo, I have felt a little sicker than usual. It would seem my IBS is returning and not all the adverse symptoms I suffered with, were because of gallbladder disease. Before the operation, I had concerns about some discomfort I was feeling under my left rib and that seems to have manifested once again, causing more distress than usual. Of course the anxiety I suffer with, doesn't help those pains, but it seems more than that. The only way I can describe it, is like having a crab attached to the side of my ribcage. It is annoying rather than extremely painful, but I am nevertheless concerned.

    This gnawing pain seems to get worse throughout the day; almost non-existent in the morning, it's deeply throbbing by dusk, only relieved by sleep. I have tried stopping certain medication; increasing my Lansoprazole, used to control the production of stomach acid, as well as constantly googling symptoms, scaring myself half to death. The more I research what is going on, the worse the discomfort tends to get; it really does feel like a vicious circle.

    My biggest concern is that it may have something to do with my pancreas, and naturally my mind thinks the worst. I am keeping a close eye on other indicators and despite believing they are pointing towards a worrying diagnosis, I am having to take a step back and distract myself when I can. I know health anxiety can be a real bitch when it wants, but I just need answers that I don't seem to be getting, no matter how loud I shout.

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    Currently, I am self-isolating for the next three days, before I have an Oesophago-gastro duodenoscopy on Friday. I have been waiting for this procedure for quite a while due to the ongoing pandemic. This morning I had to have a COVID pcr test at St Mary's Hospital in Portsmouth, in readiness for the investigations at the end of the week. I am hopeful I will begin to get some answers, about what is causing my distress, but I am also realistic. I know I have a large hiatal hernia, which could be the source of the pain, but the gnawing annoyance, could also point towards an ulcer. Whatever the prognosis, the hope is, I can finally lay this period to rest and start living life once again. If I am honest, the anxiety I feel on a daily basis is getting me down; it's finally time to get to the bottom of exactly what's going on!
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    Darrell in Australia
    A very mixed bag of views and opinions today, discussing the highs and lows of the week. For the most part I have been occupied with work, more than ever, as I get back to reality after my operation. I have also been happy to undertake some overtime, preparing for Darrell's return from Australia, a welcome piece of good news. After nearly two years apart, Darrell has booked his flight to leave Australia on 16th of September, just three weeks away now. Despite the fears we both still have about him flying during a pandemic, we are just both relieved he has set a date and is on his way home.

    Darrell is luckier than most, granted permission to travel relatively quickly, but leaving Mum behind, as she continues her treatment for cancer is a wrench, hard to comprehend. He has assured the Australian government, that he will not return to the continent for at least three months. This is a difficult choice for Darrell to have to make, but given Australia's strict COVID regulations, he has no choice but to adhere to their conditions. Our hope is Mum stays well, and both of us can return to spend time with her each year. Her illness seems to be under control for now and there is a treatment plan in place to make sure she has the best care in future.

    Darrell and I have discussed the future, as one would expect, but once again, due to our difficult circumstances, we are still unsure, where our heart really lies. It is hard being torn between two countries, unable to decide where to settle. We want to be around family, but the cost of staying in Portsmouth is prohibitive. The price of housing is just out of our price range, so we will have to come up with an alternative. In the interim, we would like to purchase a property up north, near to where we lived before and rent it out, while we continue to stay with family down south. In that way we would at least have a bolthole, offering us a place to escape to, should we need to relocate in the future.
    Darrell has been making the most of his time left in Australia with Mum, and today they have spent time together at Caversham Wildlife Park in Western Australia. It must be so hard for Darrell having to move to the other side of the World of the World once again, leaving his family, friends, and most importantly, his Mother behind. We have really been left to the mercy of events; Coronavirus has dictated  when Darrell can and can't come home and this looks like becoming a regular feature of travel, for the foreseeable future. This isn't an ideal situation for us, just as it isn't for others, so for now we just have to comply with the law and conduct our relationship in the best way we can.
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    Inhumane and Perverse
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    Despite being preoccupied with work and health concerns, I have been able to spend some time keeping up with events around the World. In the news this week, the allies retreat from Afghanistan. What a bloody mess we have created, leaving thousands upon thousands of people to their fate, as the Taliban take over the country.

    I think I am as shocked as most people at how fast the Taliban swept through this broken state, stamping their authority over the country. As a spectator looking in, I am appalled by the way America has acted as a nation. The deadline, Joe Biden has given for palling out of the country, is 31st of August. Between now and then, the allies, that helped to build modern Afghanistan, will have to get its citizens and Afghani comrades out. These people include charity and aid workers, interpreters, officials and military personnel. Thousands of innocent people and refugees will have to be airlifted out of the region in a little over a week.

    The anger and frustration I feel towards President Biden and other World leaders for washing their hands of Afghanistan and its population is immeasurable. These people gave their lives in the service of America, Britain, and others, and we have left them to die; what a disgusting way to treat them and what a terrible failure of judgement on our part.

    The thousands of refugees heading towards the airport, the chaotic scenes of desperation as people beg to be put on a flight out of the country, is heartbreaking. The lives of women, children, minority groups including the LGBTQ+ community will change forever. The stoning of women, murder of gay people and assassinations of dissidents will once again become common place. Listening to these hopeless human beings speak about their fears for the future was distressing and painful, as I realised just what my Government has done to them. Western nations went into Afghanistan after 9/11 and protected them from the Taliban for twenty years. During this period they rebuilt and adopted western habits and ways, became a part of the wider World and embraced their future fully. Today, they face a desperate destiny, with many of those who helped us left behind; I shudder at what will happen to them!

    It has been another soul-searching week for me, full of mixed feelings and emotions. It is lovely to have Darrell returning home after such a long time, but with my health unlike it was, I have changed dramatically since I saw him last. The pandemic has aged me out of all proportion, I have grown old beyond my years and feel every inch of my fifty years. As I view the scenes from Afghanistan, I am however reminded how lucky I am to be living in a civilised nation, with access to health care and support. This is in stark contrast to those poor people trying to escape the ravages of war in Afghanistan. Darrell and I can restart our life, these people don't have that option. The World has indeed changed and continues to evolve, beyond all comprehension, as all of us seek to find a way through the muddle and confusion, that echoes louder than ever before!
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    Those Reflective Periods of Solitude!

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    We all have those times when we are feeling low and just don't want to communicate with the World. These are the difficult periods that we would rather forget, the days we lock ourselves away from everyone and the times we can't cope any more. I am a strong advocate of solitude and spending time on my own. For me, it is a great healer and allows me a valuable breathing space. Able to finally relax, I can ponder issues and problems I have been wrestling with for some time.

    As a child, I spent more time on my own than not; the truth is, I preferred my own company and my overactive imagination, that ran riot in the privacy of my own room. One has to remember, I have always written, since I was a young boy, so sitting quietly on one's own was part of the course. Whether keeping a journal or composing a short story, I was happy to remain cut off, aloof from everyone, writing my thoughts down on paper. I suppose I was one of the lucky ones, who enjoyed my own company, never getting bored and always actively writing or productively procrastinating in some form.

    For a long time, I forgot how to express myself through words; after University, I became absorbed in the local gay scene and lived life to the full. I partied every night, was always out and about, visiting this person or that, and never had the time to articulate my feelings as I would have liked. There was a huge period, where I didn't document my life, as I do now, and that angers me. At a time when I should have expressed how I felt, whilst growing up gay, I was too busy getting drunk and hiding who I really was.

    Coming out of one's shell and becoming the person I was meant to be, isn't necessarily a bad thing. Surrounded by like-minded individuals, who had the same outlook on life, facing the same challenges and problems, was a liberating experience. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and the new me was out and proud for all the World to see. However, it wasn't quite that simple. I turned into a person I didn't really recognise; the quiet, studious, methodical and yes at times melancholy teenager had turned into a full on, in your face, camp, bitchy, sarcastic 'Queen,' who only cared about himself. If I look back to my life nearly thirty years ago, this is a period of great regret; I lost touch with the person I was and the dreams and aspirations I had!

    Despite the hedonistic life I was leading, I did find some time to lock myself away and reflect on the 'madness.' My concentration span was practically non-existent back then, so I couldn't have written an extensive blog of my life, like today, I just didn't have it in me. I would often write poetry, expressing how I felt. The words were often difficult to decipher, incoherent and rambling; it was clear I was suffering from depression and anxiety, despite my new-found freedoms. As I became engrossed in the scene, I became more uptight and embittered  and the frustration I felt surfaced at the most inopportune moments. Arguing more, I pushed others away, and fell out with people almost on a daily basis. I had become a nasty individual, selfish, bombastic and unrecognisable. I needed time to myself more than ever, yet never seemed to get it. Able to look back subjectively today, I am able to see just what went wrong and more importantly why.

    Without those reflective periods of solitude, I changed dramatically as a person. I, no longer, had space; there was so much inner conflict between the real me and the fake, false caricature I often portrayed, that my mental health was suffering as a result. If I had taken even a brief moment to step away, I could have seen just what was going wrong, but I barely had time to think, let alone concentrate on the bigger picture. The seclusion I craved then, is no different to the 'me time' I demand now; in contrast, I have it in spades today, as much as I want. I've learnt lessons and changed as a result; I no longer ignore what my head is telling me. Blogging has allowed me to pick up where I left off and once again do what I love most.

    In 2021, I spend most of my days off on my own, writing, recording and  reflecting on each week, discussing events and circumstances that have played a role over the last seven days. After surviving difficult times in my life and realising just how much time I need for myself, I have been able to work alongside my commitments and produce writing I am proud of. Presently, I write at any given opportunity, it gives me the focus I need to get through each day and reminds me to recall events that resonate with my sense of well-being. Finding an equilibrium between writing and working has been important in my quest for balance, and I like to think I have finally achieved it. Only time will tell whether it works long term, or once again I will have to rethink the direction I am travelling in, in order to navigate this crazy word successfully. Cautious optimism, a return to solitude when necessary, and the ability to say 'NO' is my key to success in an unforgiving World.
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    Over and Out!

    2021 Reflection Richards Journey richard-guy
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    I’ve not written for a few weeks, and one reason is due to easing back on the training after the ultra and planning my training for the next couple of months. It also gave me some time to reflect on a lot of things past, present, and future.

    When I first started this blog a few years ago I wasn’t in a great place, and over that time things have improved on many levels. Towards the end of last year, the blog focused on my journey towards completing the Serpent Trail 50k. It is something I’m proud to have completed, even though I know I can go back next year and do a much better time.

    Since I started the blog, I think I’ve grown as a person, and every day I strive to improve. It hasn’t been a totally smooth journey, but I didn’t expect it to be. I’d consider myself to be a very private person. I have a small circle of friends. I know a lot of people and can be quite sociable when I choose to be and, on my terms. But in terms of people I consider to be friends, that circle is small.

    I don’t tell people a great deal about myself, it is strange on a lot of levels — part of me thinks they wouldn’t be interested, part of me thinks they wouldn’t understand, and part of me thinks they don’t need to know.

    The things I achieve (or have achieved) I don’t say a great deal about, as the focus is usually on the next steps and challenges. I have always tried to play down my achievements (and have written about it in a previous blog, so no real need to go any further on that topic) because I don’t see them as being anything spectacular or remarkable.

    Over the last month, I’ve noticed I’ve become more introverted than I normally am. It isn’t something I’m worried about, probably the opposite if I’m being honest. I much prefer it that way nowadays.

    Over the last few months, I’ve really struggled with the blog and what I’m writing. It was OK writing about all the different aspects of training and how I approached them, but anything further than that I’ve just never felt comfortable with. I much prefer to keep myself to myself, to maintain a high level of privacy. Much of my life is on a need-to-know basis – if you need to know I’ll say, if you don’t then it is obviously of no concern.

    I’ve thought about the blog quite a lot over the last couple of weeks, and it has been great to have been given the opportunity to write some stuff over the last couple of years. I never had a plan or an agenda on what I wanted to achieve with it.

    This is going to be the last blog entry. I don’t feel I’ve got a great deal more I want to say (certainly not using this medium). I always had the feeling earlier in the year that once I had completed the Serpent Trail that would be the case. I’m still going to be working towards the goals I have in life and as I’ve proved time and again, I will achieve them and move quickly onto the next.

    Cheers for reading.
    Over and out.
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    Focus on Family!

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    As the day Darrell returns from Australia draws ever closer, there will inevitably be more focus on family. Both of us are happy to be living in Portsmouth for the foreseeable future, so we are already working out the logistics of such a permanent move. Long term we will buy our own property, when time, finances, and circumstances allow. For now, we are both happy enough to live with my Aunt, until the time is right. 

    Darrell has also discussed getting a large seven seater car and/or motorhome. This would allow both of us, to pay a bigger role in our cousin's lives. Family holidays, days out, shopping trips, all occasions where we can be there helping out whenever we can.

    With our focus firmly shifting from a life in Spain, we are mindful of the challenges we face settling down here indefinitely. From the cost of living and property, to the lack of suitable housing and employment prospects, this is a path we have trodden before. We have relocated all over the World, on numerous occasions, and I think we have both realised it is time to finally put down roots and where better than with family, in the place of my birth.  The biggest hurdle is indeed the cost of housing, which is extremely expensive in this city. We are both unsure as to just how to afford somewhere suitable, but there are options, and we just have to work through the difficulties we will undoubtably encounter.
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    I have grown closer to my cousins over the last few years and enjoy spending time with them. As Godfather to Eli, I want to be here as he grows up. At 50 years old, I am certainly not getting any younger, so this is an opportunity to be around those closest, rather than moving abroad and not being a part of their life. This is a complicated path to navigate; Darrell and I have always been travellers and had our sights set on living abroad. However, it is time to accept what is important and where we will fit in at our time of life.

    I think if you said to us, we could return to Gran Alacant tomorrow and pick up where we left off, we would both have to think twice about staying. We did have a fantastic life there, with great friends and the lifestyle we both desired, but the lack of close family always pulled at my heart strings. It was difficult being separated from our relatives, and my time spent in the UK, has just emphasised that major source of angst and disappointment.

    Both of us are really travellers at heart, and we could quite easily just keep on going, advancing into the sunset. With half a century under my belt, rational thinking is required, my health isn't what it used to be, and it looks likely I will need the NHS more now than ever. Brexit has closed many doors for Darrell and I, and we would no longer have access to the health service in Spain, nor any other European nation we decided to settle in. We need to start thinking with a level head, wisely, sensibly; my pragmatic head says stay, and that is likely what we will do.
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    Yesterday I went to see my Father in Titchfield; I haven't seen him for a few months now, and it is always lovely to catch up and have a chat. Since Mum passed away, several years ago, Dad has concentrated on his garden, spending all his time doing what he loves most, and you can see his efforts everywhere you look. His large garden looks fantastic, full of colour and immaculately, lovingly looked after. I am certainly not a chip off the old block and really don't know a weed from a flower, but I can tell just how much effort Dad has put into it, he really should be proud.
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    After a chat in the conservatory, Dad took me to the 'Titchfield Mill,' a local restaurant, just round the corner from his bungalow. This was the first time I have been out since my operation, and I decided to go the whole hog and order all the things I haven't been able to eat for so long. A couple of pints of beer, Banoffee pie covered in fresh cream and chocolate and a main course of Boeuf Bourguignon, all things I would have avoided before my operation. To be honest, I wasn't too sure how my body would react anyway, so was rather hesitant initially. I need not have worried, I was able to digest the meal better than I would have expected. This is good news, it possibly means the IBS I have suffered with, might well be in retreat and could have just been a symptom of gallbladder disease. It is however early days and only time will tell if that's entirely true. On the negative side, I also have to keep reminding myself that this is not the start of a slippery slope, where I eat everything that's bad for me again, putting on even more weight; I have to practice restraint and be constantly mindful of my health!

    ​So with an emphasis on family, I look forward to welcoming Darrell home once again. I am certainly in a more positive frame of mind and things are looking up. It felt like the beginning of yet another new chapter this week, and that can only be a good thing. As the clock counts down to my husband's return, for the first time in eighteen months the pandemic isn't on my mind. It's time to look forward to the future and restart our lives once again, like we have done, so many times before!
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    The Hardest Part, Is The Wait For Results!

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    It's been several weeks since I've written and what a few weeks it's been. I had my second jab mid June and within a couple of weeks was unwell. I had a reaction to the first jab but it only lasted a few days.

    By the beginning of July I was getting pains in my lower back and tummy and felt generally run down. I tried to see a Doctor which was not a simple thing. After phone consultations I was prescribed Antibiotics. After a week there was no improvement and the Doctor decided I needed to be seen. He examined me, did a urine test and confirmed I had a kidney infection so further antibiotics were given and I was sent for blood tests.

    After a few more days I was getting worse. Back to the Doctors! Again I was told I had a kidney infection but some of the other symptoms I had didn't fit. Due to my medical history there were other concerns and I must admit I was worried.

    In May 2013 after almost 9 months of being told I had constant infections I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. When I was finally diagnosed I was relieved as it felt that I hadn't been believed for such a long time. I had a radical hysterectomy on 2nd July 2013 but they decided to leave my ovaries so as to avoid early menopause for as long as possible. I had all my lymph nodes on both sides removed. The surgery was a success and I was fortunate enough not to need chemo or radiotherapy. I was checked regularly and was signed off in 2018 and told I was 5 years cancer free.

    8 years on and it felt like history repeating itself. My Doctor referred me to QA for urgent tests and within 5 days I had a Cystoscopy. A camera inserted into my bladder. The consultant told me there and then that he wanted me to also have an urgent CT scan and more blood tests. After my appointment I fell apart. When I had cancer previously I was so positive and determined it wouldn't beat me. After my Cystoscopy I felt very alone and scared that it had returned. Last time I was able to have my husband come with me for tests and appointments. This time due to Covid I had to attend all on my own. My children and parents were incredibly worried as they could see how poorly I was. My Mum kept hugging me (something she doesn't usually do).

    The hardest part is the wait for results. Trying to keep my mind occupied whilst feeling unwell is incredibly difficult. I had amazing support from friends but it's the nights when you are all alone and your mind starts talking to you. I didn't want to add to my family's worry so I did what I always do and tried to keep a brave face. Most of the time I pulled it off although one occasion I did break down in front of my parents and instantly regretted it. I could see how worried they were and the exchange of looks between them just confirmed they really were thinking the worst.

    After 5 courses of antibiotics I was informed the CT results showed no recurrence of Cancer. The relief was immense. I cried again in the consultant's room with absolute relief. I was informed I have a large kidney stone and that is the cause of the infections. I've been referred to the Renal department to decide what course of action will be taken.

    The same day I was given my results I went out for coffee with my parents. We were sitting outside the coffee shop enjoying the sun and I noticed I'd been bitten a few times on my leg by a mosquito. Annoying little things! My Mum popped off to shops and came back with some Anthisan. Insect bite relief cream that I have used for years. I got home and put a few spots of the cream on my leg. Within an hour the area I had put the cream on had gone bright red. Within 2 hours my entire thigh was covered in a red blotchy rash and my hands were sore and swelling. By 7pm that evening my whole body was covered in a rash and my hands were so swollen I couldn't bend my fingers. My face had started to swell and my lips were tingling. My throat also became very sore. I was a little worried so I phoned 111. It took nearly 50 minutes to get through but then 15 minutes later the lady on the phone had sent an ambulance to me.

    The ambulance arrived within minutes and I was checked over, given antihistamine and observed. After an hour the paramedics left but told me to phone 999 if I got worse. I felt dreadful. Dizzy, itchy and hot all over. I went for a cool shower and layed on my bed. After a couple of hours I started to feel worse but I didn't think it warranted using precious 999 resources so I took more antihistamine.

    At 5am my son came down as he had work at 6. He took one look at me and said he was not going in. I could barely see as my eyes were closing due to the swelling. I assured him I was OK even though I felt far from it and as soon as he left for work I phoned my parents. My dad came straight round and we went off to the hospital.

    I arrived at A and E and was informed there was up to a 20 hour wait. Ambulances were queuing and apparently there was not one available bed in the hospital. My Dad was unable to come in with me so I prepared myself for a long time on my own. Within 5 minutes I was triaged and then taken to a bed in A and E. A couple of minutes later I was hooked up to the blood pressure machine and told I needed an ECG as my heart rate was all over the place. I had a cannula inserted in my arm and blood was taken, then I was given IV antihistamine, steroids and hydrocortisone.

    I felt so dizzy and my breathing was a little laboured. I was told I was having a massive allergic reaction. My throat felt like it was closing and everything seemed so strange. I dozed on the bed as I felt as if the plug had been pulled and all my energy had vanished. The Doctor came to see me and confirmed I'd reacted to the Anthisan cream. I've used this stuff for years and was puzzled as to why I had suddenly reacted now. I was given more steroids and told if this didn't work I would be admitted into hospital.

    Fortunately the medication worked and the swelling on my face started to reduce. After awhile the Doctor said I could go home but I have been referred to allergy clinic to see if this was due to a combination of meds, infection and being incredibly run down or whether I have developed an allergy that may require an epinephrine auto injector (epipen) for future.

    The reaction was two weeks ago this weekend. After being discharged from hospital I was given 4 days of Steroids and have antihistamine on hand. I'm awaiting referral appointments to both Renal and Allergy departments but as of this week I feel really well.

    It has certainly been an awful few weeks and has given me a lot to think about going forward. I've some amazing people in my life who have been fantastic support over the past few weeks. I've got lots planned for this month and I'm really excited to be seeing Madness at Victorious Festival in a few weeks. I've said for a while that life is short and we need to live not exist. These last few weeks have reiterated that to me even more than before.