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    Clayborne - Off To Los Angeles!

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    Clayborne, the Cancer Research Teddy is off to America next week, more precisely Los Angeles. It has been a while since I last travelled, so it was only right to let this little bear go off on an adventure of his own.

    During this pandemic, I have seen many new colleagues come and go at work, as furloughed staff join our ever-growing numbers at such a difficult time. One such person is Lucy, who was a member of the cabin crew for a well known airline. I have got to know this fantastic lady well over the months she has worked with us and like everyone who has joined the team, she has become a much loved, valued and respected member of staff. Without people like Lucy, the darkest days of the pandemic would have been even more difficult to bear and it is a credit to everyone who helped to keep Britain fed, that all of us managed to get through relatively unscathed.

    This coming week Lucy will be taking to the air once again, as she joins the airline, flying to Los Angeles in order to help repatriate British tourists returning home, not the easiest of jobs it has to be said under the circumstances, but all part of the new normal we are currently living through.

    Luckily for Clayborne, Lucy suggested taking him with her on her journey, photographing his time in the United States for Cancer Research and Roaming Brit. Suitcase packed, mask suitably attired, Clayborne is off, and I look forward to seeing the photographs, as I know all of you do also. A big thank you to Lucy for taking him along and best wishes for a speedy journey and safe return.
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    Those Thought-Provoking Moments That Tend To Linger!

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    Keeping Positive
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    Staying In Touch
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    Laughing
    A Friendly Ear

    I've had a rather mixed week this week, seven days of ups and downs as I try and navigate this particularly low point in my life. My theory on dealing with depression has changed dramatically over the years, as I ditched medication in favour of a more positive approach, preferring to focus my mind on beneficial activities, that help to keep me on a path to success. Beating depressive moods, looking forward to the future and learning to live with the person I am, is all part of a process that will help me win battles I have fought for a lifetime.
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    Contact with Darrell is more important now than ever. He is feeling particularly alone and has very little contact with friends and family here in the UK. He has removed himself from most social media platforms and despite efforts to remain connected with loved ones in Britain, he has been unable to stay as close to people as he would like. I use facebook to keep in contact with many individuals I would otherwise have lost touch with, and without it, I would find it almost impossible to do so, so I can understand why Darrell is finding it hard.

    Both of us are starting to make plans for the future, after COVID, but without an endless supply of money, we have to be mindful of our situation. Darrell and I have little or no disposable income, and we save every spare penny we have for our future. It is important we stay focused on our goal of finally having a permanent roof over our heads and do everything we can to achieve that. Buying a home in the UK is completely out of  reach, so it is likely we will once again move abroad and invest in a country that we both love and want to settle in - Spain and Croatia are top of our list, countries we both feel happy in.

    As my low moods have increased, I continue to do the things I enjoy most, which does help to get through the worst days. Volunteering has become a cure for my darkest moments. I work with a group of like-minded individuals, who enjoy campaigning for Cancer Research. Unlike most conventional jobs, all of us are happy to be grafting for our chosen charity. The sense of enthusiasm and togetherness shows in our hard work, determination and most importantly, our sense of fun. Monday is the most important day of the week for me, always filled with laughter, optimism and pragmatic energy. My levels of anxiety are reduced significantly and  sense of well-being improved from spending just a short few hours with friends, in a setting that never fails to let me down.

    I was also fortunate to have a cup of tea and socially distanced chat with Mrs F, a lady I have tried to take under my wing and look out for, especially during this pandemic. She has very little contact with family, like me, so I like to offer a sympathetic ear, when she needs to talk about the difficulties she faces on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels good to listen to others problems, it puts ones own issues into perspective. Mrs F is a fighter who remains stoical, even in the most extreme circumstances, and she is an inspiration to me. If each and every one of us could spend just a little time with someone like Mrs F, all our lives would be richer and better for it.

    Any activity that helps me forget my own problems is welcome. Distractions from the constant pain of IBS, numerous ailments and family difficulties is an important part of my week. Channelling energy into constructive, unequivocal pursuits is really helping me deal with the negativity and thought-provoking moments that just tend to linger. These are such challenging times that I fear I will never overcome my current state of mind. I am thankful for the friends and family I have and hope that it won't be too long before I can finally be happy and content again. Persevering, learning to cope with adverse times and remaining grounded, assured, balanced and rational are the words and phrases I use, to remind myself that nothing lasts forever, especially not today!
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    Still Battling Hard!

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    It's been yet another difficult week for me, not unlike the last  if I am entirely honest. I do tend to dwell on things and I just haven't been able to shake negative thoughts from my mind. I have suffered with depression for most of my life and for the most part have had to learn to deal with it myself. When I look back at the darkest points, the most difficult, challenging times, I am reminded of the connection they all share, namely the people, and the influences they exerted over my sense of well-being, in a negative or positive way!

    Last week I was reminded of just how nasty people can be and that continues to remain a source of angst. I have done all I can to rebuild bridges and become a better person, especially after the death of my Mother last October. I thought I had reached a 'happy' point in my life and was feeling a little more content with my situation, even with my husband being trapped on the other side of the World, during the middle of a pandemic, but it seems, I was wrong. My feelings and emotions have taken a back seat over the last year, because other people have needed the support and encouragement to rebuild and rethink their lives. I have been patient and happy to give my time, to ensure a more agreeable consensus is achieved and I believed we had reached a happy medium, but that wasn't the case.  I feel totally flat and deflated and am worried I may be heading towards a place I don't want to go.

    I have learnt much about depression over the years; in the past I had a profusion of pills I could use to help get me through the day, antidepressants to take the edge off the way I was feeling or therapy to support me, as I worked through the stresses of life. Today however, I am relying on my willpower, determination and mindset to help get me through, what is becoming a tough and beguiling time. I really do not want to go down the medication route as it just masks the problems I have, leaving them as real as ever, only simmering on the back burner until a later date. I haven't  had to face my demons without a little medical help before, but it is something I need to do now.

    Speaking to a friend yesterday, they were concerned I wasn't my usual self and the truth is, I'm not. I feel so let down on many fronts; it is taking a toll on my personality; I have become insular and aloof from the people I need most and that isn't a good sign for me. Nevertheless, it is all I have to deal with the hurt I am feeling and I will continue to do what I believe is right. I have given all my life and never received anything in return. I am withdrawing an important part of who I am, because of what someone has once again done to me. Having been brought down to a level I am not comfortable with I am trying to work out what to do for the best. Life is one big struggle, which seems to have got harder and I just don't want to deal with it; I don't have the fight in me to confront or agonise over circumstances that were not of my making.

    All I can do today is escape from the dejection and sadness that I feel and deal with the aftermath at a later date. I am throwing all my energy into work, doing as much overtime as possible and looking for other creative outlets for my writing, so I can continue to express myself in a positive way, on a platform away from this blog. This is a personal forum to showcase my emotions as honestly as I can, but sometimes honesty with oneself isn't the way to overcome tempestuous upset, it just allows me to indulge in a sea of self-pity, selfishness and defeatism. As my mood changes, so does my writing and throughout the last five years of this blog, I have encountered many ups and downs, this is yet another bump in the road, that will play out in front of a readership who hopefully understands the difficulties I face.

    I am currently watching Schitt's Creek on Netflix, a hilarious take on failure and loss of wealth and the challenges faced by a family left impoverished, having to pick up the pieces of a broken life. We have all done that from time to time, it is a reminder that life doesn't always run smoothly and although only a television programme, it has offered me an escape at a stressful time. Watching TV, writing, working and social media has given me a channel to relieve the pressure I feel under currently. Speaking to Darrell in Australia is also a welcome break from the tension and trepidation I feel constantly and I hope it will continue to get me through the  dark days.
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    None of us are finding life easy during this pandemic. In the past, if I had felt the way I do today, I would have just taken off for a few days away or gone to see friends, things none of us can do presently. I am not used to coping with situations beyond my control and will just have to muddle through somehow. Looking out for number one, concentrating on myself for a bit and doing what I want, rather than what people expect of me should help in the short term. Eventually I will come to terms with my retrogressions and past mistakes, of that I have no doubt. Today I want to stay focused and determined to build a future for Darrell and I and finally accept that I will never be the person others want me to be, then and only then will I have made it, comfortable with the person I am and happy to smile again!
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    Content With Who I Am!

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    It has been a difficult week, one that I would rather forget if I am honest, but like all setbacks in life I just have to pick up the pieces and move on. Work has been particularly busy over the last seven days and I have had very little time to myself, but that is my saving grace during times of stress. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and tell people where to go. After a sixteen-hour day yesterday I am feeling tired and exhausted and just want to sleep and unwind. My IBS is so chronic right now, it is preventing me from doing things I want to do and this is the lowest I have felt in a long, long time. IBS, Diverticular Disease, Prostatitis and severe back pain, are taking their toll on my well-being and I just want the pain I am feeling on a daily basis to end.

    I was recently referred to the Hospital for yet another sigmoidoscopy and endoscopy so my Doctor could try and discover what is going on with me, but with this pandemic still raging, it isn't to be. The endoscopy has been cancelled due to COVID, probably because of the backlog of patients needing similar procedures and the sigmoidoscopy would require a total of four weeks self-isolation, which isn't possible. Like most people I have to work and can not afford to take that amount of time off. On a positive note, I have been referred for an ultrasound,     after months of wrangling with my local GP practice. If you need something bad enough, especially medically, you really do have to fight for it in this country, but at least my efforts have finally paid off. I really just want to feel normal again.

    Emotionally I am feeling drained and depressed; I haven’t felt this melancholy in a long time and it has of course impacted on my physical health, with my IBS reaching chronic levels. No amount of medication is helping, and I am going through each day feeling sicker and sicker. My emotional state of mind has taken a knock this week as well, after a particular stressful and upsetting conversation, centred around my choices in life, which haven’t always been the best. However, they were my preferences to make and not up for negotiation with anyone else.

    In 2015 Darrell and I moved to Spain to start a fresh after one of the most traumatic periods in our life. A prolonged period of bullying, intimidation and abuse from our previous employer and the resulting isolation and depression had made us think the unthinkable and start again, away from the memories that had so damaged us. Darrell and I were very much alone at the time and after being rejected by those closest, we decided it was time to go and get on with the rest of our life together. Despite Darrell's Mother’s cancer diagnosis, shortly after our arrival in Spain, throwing our plans into chaos, I still regard this period as one of the happiest we have ever had as a couple.

    Both Darrell and I felt at home in Gran Alacant, safe away from the pressures of life we had left behind and content with our more simple, frugal lifestyle. Spain was good for us both on so many levels and great for the soul. We met many wonderful characters, many of whom remain friends today and unlike the UK, we felt a part of a community, who in the main looked out for one another, especially when the chips were down. Everyone who lived there from the Expat community had a story to tell, many tales not dissimilar to our own and it was comforting to be around people who understood the difficulties we faced, able to offer advice and support in equal measure.

    Of course like the story of our life, nothing is forever and both of us have had to go our separate ways for a while, while Coronavirus takes centre stage. With Darrell safely at home in Australia with Mum, and me lucky to be living with my Aunt and Cousins in Portsmouth, life remains copacetic right now. Our situation, although not ideal, works out well for all of us and has given me the opportunity to finally get to know a side of my family I have always been closer to. My Aunt and I have much in common and as my Cousin Rachel puts it, we are rather like an 'old married couple' at times, making this a very special chapter in my life, even though Darrell isn’t here to enjoy it with me.

    The background to my current circumstances is clear and not something that is going to change anytime soon, but I have worked extremely hard, during the most difficult of junctures to try and overcome obstacles, that just seem to be getting worse. I have always felt like a second class citizen due to my sexuality, state of mind and unequal treatment and these feelings arose once again this week as I had my aberrations highlighted and used to justify actions that I do not understand.

    I have fought all my life for equal rights and understanding of others, preferring not to pass judgement, instead concentrating on the here and now and the person stood before me, without their baggage in tow. Personally I have had to prove myself continually to others, when they have no concept of what I went through in life. Why I have to constantly apologise for who I am I just don’t know? The efforts I have made, especially over the last couple of years have really meant nothing to some and I find that hard to stomach. Both Darrell and I have had to put our lives on hold for our families, and we have been given little or no support in return.

    The only reason I have a roof over my head today, is because of an Aunt who accepts me for who I am unconditionally; I feel so sorry for those who can’t see past their own prejudices, to make me feel welcome into a family fold that has always been notoriously difficult to be a part of. The inequality I have felt all of my life is still alive a kicking today; I am still a second class citizen, without the understanding and empathy we all need to flourish and grow. Too many knock backs have kept me distant and aloof from family and friends and that it seems will never change. All I can do now, is look forward to a time when Darrell and I, can be reunited and forge another new life together, away from yet more tension, trauma and unhappiness.

    Neither of us want anything from anyone, have never asked for assistance, even under the most disconcerting of circumstances, like today and will undoubtedly continue to struggle and fight our way through life. I am proud of what we have achieved together as a couple; we have had no lift up or kick start to help us along this rocky road called life, we have been left to ride this roller-coaster alone, which has come off the rails many times, leaving us battling to survive, while others have been handed everything on a plate. I don’t care if I am unliked, attacked, sworn at, abused or bullied any more, because I am content with the person I am, not the person I was expected to be!
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    Looking for Answers!

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    It's been another difficult week in the post COVID World.  Like the Government, I haven't written much about the pandemic recently, as life is beginning to get back to a relative sense of normality; not quite as it used to be, but as near as damn it.  Listening to the news earlier, it is clear that the number of reported cases of Coronavirus is once again on the rise here in the UK and it looks like we could be in for another difficult few months. The news is also full of stories about the inaccurate reporting of COVID deaths; deaths being recorded as Coronavirus when in fact they weren't. This once again highlights the Governments' ineptitude during this pandemic and is giving people yet another excuse not to follow the rules.... Whatever the rules are!

    I've just been speaking to my Aunt about this very subject, and she also agrees that the Government rules and regulations in place to combat COVID-19 are now so obscure that none of us really know what they are. Our advice is to do what we think is best, socially distance, wear masks in public spaces and protect our families as much as possible. I still remain very nervous about any relaxation on my part; I don't want to put anyone else at risk. However, the time is coming when I will have to reconnect with family and friends.

    I managed to speak to Darrell from Australia on the phone earlier, who is also annoyed about the lack of social distancing. It looks like Australia and New Zealand are experiencing a second wave of COVID cases and States and cities on the Australasian continent are deciding what they should do to protect their citizens. The Eastern States remain locked down, but luckily Darrell remains relatively safe in Western Australia, with cases few and far between.

    I have spent the last week contacting our MP and trying to discover Darrell's legal status, in the event of not being able to return to the UK because of Coronavirus restrictions. Darrell is only allowed out of the UK for a certain period of time, before he has to legally return, but with all the Australian borders closed, we are still not sure if he will get back to Britain in time. After several emails I have still not had a reply from the Home Office or from our MP. I am hoping it won't be too much longer before I hear from them. These are unprecedented times but the levers of Government have to continue, I just hope they try a little harder than they have been up to now. Both of us need to know where we stand!

    Darrell and I haven't felt this insecure for a long time, probably since we both got together twenty-five years ago. Our relationship is once again up in the air as we try and find a way through the terrible circumstances we find ourselves in. Ideally we would prefer to be together now. Darrell's Mother is well enough at the moment to be left on her own, but Darrell no longer has the option of leaving Australia. Like him, I hate having my fate decided by others, to have it determined by a pandemic is extremely stressful and not what we ever imagined.

    My anxiety levels are sky-high presently as you would expect, which really isn't helping with my IBS symptoms. No amount of medication seems to be working, and I am suffering more now than ever. Luckily I am able to concentrate on work and my family in the UK, which does take my mind off things somewhat, but like all of us, I do have my down days. This week I have had quite a few of those and have been feeling particularly worn down. The normal placid me, has become a no nonsense, take it or leave it kind of guy, who has literally run out of patience. I have lost my temper too many times recently and I just hope this bumpy ride ends soon, so Darrell and I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and get on with the rest of our life together.
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    Barcelona - The Beginning of a Love Affair!

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    Barcelona was my first real experience of mainland Spain and it was a place I thoroughly enjoyed, but not somewhere I have returned to as yet. Darrell and I used to travel frequently, all over the World, and would often jet off spontaneously at the drop of a hat. Barcelona was one of those unprompted trips that was truly magical in every sense of the word; having never been to there before, I really didn't know what to expect. I had seen photographs of this great city, and knew how characterful and beautiful it was, but experiencing it first hand, was beyond compare.

    The first thing that struck me about this city was the architecture. I will never forget walking around the wide open boulevards, admiring the ornate buildings and rhetorical Catalonian construction throughout this great city. One of the most famous buildings is of course the  Segrada Famillia, a structure all of us are aware of, no matter where we come from. The unfinished cathedral in the district of Barcelona itself, was born in 1882. Designed by Antoni Gaudi, the site is still under development today, but it remains a magnificent epitaph to gothic architecture; a living piece of art, constantly changing and evolving; workmanship unsurpassed.

    Gaudi design can be seen throughout the city, from the Casa Batlló and Casa Milà to the Park Güell and El Capricho. Each building is unique and truly galvanising. I was amazed by the richly decorated facades, colourful expression and organic modernist style. My passion for building design and construction was really born in Barcelona. Observing what can be achieved with an open mind and visionary outlook, was really a game changer for me. I have always been unconventional in many aspects of life, which is probably why Gaudi appealed to my sense of imagination and I have tried to apply his principles of individuality and social excellence to my own life. I am a champion of brutalist architecture, but also an admirer of art deco and neoclassical building techniques, however Antoni Gaudi remains my aspirational architect of choice and a reason to return to Barcelona in the future.

    Walking along La Rambla, not far from our hotel, was unforgettable. This tree lined pedestrian  thoroughfare is Barcelona's meandering jewel, filled with café's, small shops selling local handicrafts, souvenirs and a miscellany of oddities and paraphernalia, as well as individual boutiques, restaurants  and of course musicians and street artists serenading your walk along this well trodden bulevar. I felt relaxed and at home, taking my time, slowly strolling along, appreciating my surroundings, absorbing the atmosphere and relishing the European lifestyle, I so admire, in stark contrast to the cold, rainy British way of life I had left behind. The sites, sounds, smell of flowers and traditional Spanish food, courting couples arm in arm and 'beautiful people' taking coffee or glass of Rioja on one of the terraces was a lifestyle I was immediately drawn to. My trip to Barcelona was turning into a life-changing experience and was the beginning of a love affair that eventually led to our new life in Spain, ten years later.

    Walking along the Rambla del Mar at Port Vell, gazing across icy blue water, we sat for a glass or two of wine. The sun was dancing off the side of pristine, glistening yachts, gently rocking in the harbour, children were playing along the pier and tourists were happily betokening points of interest. I was happy to sit and watch the World pass by, chatting with Darrell, dreaming of a new life on the continent. My short holiday in Barcelona opened doors to a future untried and untested, this was the start of a love affair that remains as strong today as it ever was, drawing me ever southwards, as I once again look to a new life in the sun!
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