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Not long now before we depart for the far east and I have spent my day off doing some last minute preparation before we fly. I am working right up until we leave the UK, so today has been very busy, packing cases and popping into town getting some last minute shopping. New pants and socks and an outfit for the plane, some stockings and 'Rescue Remedy' for the journey.
Now I have never had this 'Rescue Remedy' stuff, but it comes highly recommended by a colleague at work, who like me hates flying. In her words, a bomb could go off and you wouldn't care less after taking a few drops of this stuff under your tongue. Not sure if that was supposed to help my nerves or not, but the prospect of a bomb exploding on a plane wasn't what I wanted to hear.
My fear of flying goes all the way back to 1995 when Darrell and I first got together. In September of that year, we left Britain to start a new life together down under, spending two months getting to know each other and moving into our first apartment as a couple in the West Australian town of Fremantle. The flat was large and spacious, with a lime green carpet and a serious lack of furniture. We used a crate for a television unit and an old cardboard box for a coffee table. These were great months, happy times spent together surrounded by those who were closest to Darrell in his home town of Perth.
Like most good things in our life, I had to leave Australia for the UK after a phone call from my ex-partner. I had a lot of unfinished business to attend to and had to finally deal with the aftermath of our departure, which wasn't the best of occasions and something I will write about in another blog.
The day I left Australia was emotional, saying goodbye to by new boyfriend; I literally had no idea whether he would follow me back or not, but true to form he returned a week later and we continued our twenty four year old partnership together. I am digressing slightly - I got to the airport in good time and said my goodbyes, entering the departure gate, waving to Darrell as I went. I was never keen on flying even then, but managed to find my seat and settled down for the journey ahead.
Everything seemed normal, the engines started and we began to taxi along the runway. I took a deep sigh of trepidation and remained thoughtful as the plane gradually increased speed. Suddenly there was a loud bag , I looked around out of the window as the plane came to an abrupt halt. A fire and engine failure, just before we were due to fly, it was the most scary moment of my life. We were quickly removed from the Boeing 747-400 and rushed back through customs as the emergency services rushed to the scene. A few moments later and we all could have been killed I'm sure; getting on a plane again the next day was gut wrenching. As you can see from my passport, I have two different departure dates during that period, a stark reminder of what happened on that day. However Darrell and I were given another few precious hours together, a moment that brought us even closer and a memory that will always be a part of our rather unconventional relationship.
Darrell and I have travelled extensively over the years and ever since that fateful day in 1995, I have been scared of flying....For a while every holiday we had planned, began with a plane crash, disappearance or disaster and I am not surprised by anything that is thrown our way now. In fact the older I have got the more anxious I have become about air travel; this excursion to Asia, with its eight flights, using mainly small airlines, held together with rust and propellers that went out with the ark, is playing havoc with my sense of well-being. To say I am nervous is probably an understatement, I am bloody petrified, so any advice, recommendations, tips and tricks anyone can give to help me through our three weeks abroad will be most welcome; I look forward to hearing from you; don't let me down!
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This was always a special time of year, living in Gran Alacant. The sun was shining but the hoards of tourists had not yet descended on this perfect little urbanisation on the Costa Blanca. Everyone seemed happy and cheerful, giving a friendly wave as they walked by and the bars and restuarants were slowly beginning to fill with home owners and visitors, returning from the long winter break. Social media is a sure fire way of being reminded of where we used to live, the friends we once knew and the wonderful times we shared. Today my 'memory' feed is full of stories from our three years living in Spain, and as usual I am able to smile and recall the events that made my time living in GA memorable, unforgettable and indellibly etched on my soul.
I have spoken about negative aspects of my life on the Costa Blanca before and there were many, but after returning to the UK nearly a year ago, I am able to see past the difficulties and remember with passion the more carefree, contented times and to be honest, I miss living in this beautiful part of Europe, I do have some fond memories that continue to give me great joy today.
Despite the ducking and diving and financial struggles, Gran Alacant offered a community life that I fell in love with. The people who lived and worked there were always welcoming and willing to pass the time of day, share a joke and chat about subjects important to the Expats who had made this place their home. There were very few people I didn't like, I got on with most of my friends and neighbours, who were there for me at strenuous periods, especially after just relocating to Spain. Darrell and I asked others for very little, preferring to do our own thing, succeeding and failing in equal measure. The years we spent living in GA were character building and important for our future direction. As individuals we grew and experienced many aspects of life we hadn't before. The battles we fought then seemed terribly arduous at the time, but they were a catalyst for the way we cope today. My general sense of well-being is better now than ever, because I learned to survive in the harshest of climates.
In Spain I lived frugally, only spending what I needed to, surviving without luxury but never going without. As a couple we had an old car that barely got us from A to B, but it was ours and we learned to live as my parents would have lived in the 1950s. Cooking in bulk, no convenience food, no take aways and rarely eating out - the natural way to live, for those of us who weren't tourists that is and I actually enjoyed it. I'm sure I complained bitterly at the time, but the truth is, I look back with fondness at this struggles we endured and I am proud of what we achieved during our short time living in Gran Alacant.
The photographs from our Spanish life, tells a story of independence, doing things our way and sharing a special chapter with some truly exceptional people. When I read back over my blog from that time, I hear and see the determination inside of me to succeed living in Spain and for a long while I did; both of us really began to think we had found our eutopia. Had our circumstances been different we probably would have stayed and built a life for ourselves away from the stress and stain of Britain, but it just wasn't to be. The smiling faces in the selfies, photographs with friends and pictures of an outdoor life were really just a facade. This enlightening aspect of life was only ever going to exist all the time we lived abroad and to be honest, I am glad that is the case.
My spanish memories are positive in the main, because of the journey I travelled, an excursion that ended at Alicante Airport in April 2018. That doesn't mean Spain is over forever, I do hope to return one day. I have a special place in my heart for Gran Alacant, its people, the bars and restaurants and our little Casa over looking a revine with amazing views over Alicante Province. Today I look back with satisfaction at a life that could have been and remember with warmth and affection a place that will always remain home!
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I would like to take time today, to wish all my friends, family and readers of 'Roaming Brit' a very Happy Easter. I am lucky enough not be working this morning and have enjoyed a lie in for a change. The sun is shining and spring has sprung, the perfect time to spend with those closest, our relatives and loved ones.
Whether you are religious or not, Easter is not only a reminder of the resurrection of Christ, but it is also a day to welcome the beginning of Summer. As the long, cold winter months take a final bow and darkness turns to light, all of us are reminded of the importance of renewal and sewing the seeds for the year ahead.
This is a time for positive thoughts, making plans, reassessing our lives and channeling energy into new ventures and exciting opportunities. I find myself deep in thought, thinking about the future and making decisions that have remained dormant until now. Easter is the catalyst of change and the beginning of new experiences, it lays the foundations for summer and opens doors to adventure.
Happy Easter to you all!
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It has been four years since I started blogging in 2015 and I am delighted to say I am enjoying it more today than I ever have. Blogging has become an important part of my life, it is the first thing I do when I wake up and the last activity I undertake before bed. Writing is a passion that will never be broken; I look forward to the next four years.
I have learned a lot since I started my first blog 'Bipolarcoaster' in April 2015. 'Bipolarcoaster' was a first tentative step into the unknown. I made many mistakes but always maintained the same desire to record and document my thoughts, feelings and events, which true to form, still remains today.
Thousands of people click on 'Roaming Brit' daily, all wanting to read about my latest endeavours. My life isn't particularly exciting, but the difficulties I have experienced and continue to experience have resonated with those who take an interest in the stories I tell. To all of you who continue to read my entries, I would like to thank you for your commitment and for highlighting the subjects I write about - mental illness, homosexuality, bullying, travelling and life living in Spain. Your loyalty is humbling and you are all responsible for the success of 'Bipolarcoaster,' 'Forever Enduring Cycles' and of course my latest blog 'Roaming Brit!'
As I enter my fifth year blogging I hope to keep your interest alive and tackle many more difficult subjects, close to my heart. As ever your participation is crucial and I look forward to hearing from you, as I do in your messages, texts and emails everyday...You are all 'Roaming Brits!'
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Ten thousand miles...It's a bloody long way isn't it? Well that's how many miles there is between Darrell and I and some days I feel the distance more than others. When you actually meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you never really think about the consequences. The decision to build a life with your partner is an emotional one. I never believed we would ever be separated for any length of time, after all love conquers all right? Well love is indeed the biggest factor as to why we stay with someone. Despite the arguments and difficulties we have had over twenty four years, we have always battled through, because our affection for each other is stronger than any petty squabble.
Conducting a relationship from different sides of the World is of course difficult, but in this modern age it really isn't as hard as one might imagine. Technology has allowed us to stay in contact as much as we like and if anything goes wrong, each of us are only a phone call away. There are times when I would like to be with Darrell in Australia but we are both realistic about just what we need to achieve during this testing time. We are far luckier than most, having family and friends to support us during this period of uncertainty and thankfully we were able to be with our respective families, unlike most whose lives wouldn't have sanctioned such a move.
I was recently asked how I coped with the pressures on my shoulders, without my husband to share them with and for a while I was stumped as to how to reply. In my view, we just cope and carry on, it's built into our psyche as human beings. I can't just give up and hide away until all of this stress is over, I have to continue living.
I was never really a person who coped well under pressure, in fact I would bury my head and let others deal with the tension that swelled around me. Friends and family were far more able to deal with the things I couldn't countenance and for years I offloaded my responsibility on to those far wiser than I. As a consequence, I never really got to grips with real life. There was always someone to pay the bills, sign the contracts and take a lead, so I didn't have too.
Today I have to cope alone, without the support of the person I love, but I do have a number of mechanisms I use to help me get through, different activities to take my mind off my current circumstances - I am doing one of them right now, blogging, writing down how I feel for a wider audience to read and this is the one undertaking that I value above everything else.
Blogging was a life saver in 2015 when I started to write down my deepest and sometimes darkest feelings and it is a great source of comfort now. Expressing thoughts that I would otherwise keep bottled up inside, is a healthy and satisfying way to get through the long lonely days. I often look back at the entries I have written, to see just how far I have come in the four years since I started blogging and I am astounded at where I am today.
I also enjoy reading, researching my family history, which I have been doing for over twenty years and spending time with those closest. In reality I have an extremely busy lifestyle and find little time to do anything else. Working is my life these days and fills the majority of my day. I literally do not have time to worry and think about just how unfortunate my circumstances are. Dwelling on what could or should have been is not an option today, making something of what is left and picking up the pieces is all that matters!
Despite Darrell living in Australia and me residing in the UK, in complete contrast to where we were four years ago, my life has changed for the better. I have close family bonds, jobs I love and more friends than I could ever ask for. Those ten thousand miles have really pushed me to my limits and given me a sense of independence I could have only dreamed about in the past. Our forced separation has made me stand on my own two feet and contemplate things I would never have done in the past. I have grown more in the last seven months, than I have done in the last ten years and that is a good thing.
The emotions that were responsible for Darrell and I establishing our commitment for each other in the first place, has taken a back seat for a while. I have been able to to challenge my energy into making my way in the World and rekindling my life back in the UK. When Darrell eventually returns to Portsmouth or we both decide to move to pastures new, I will be a much stronger, durable and resilient individual, able to confront the struggles of life far more effectively. Using this time apart wisely has been important and despite my insecurities and anxiety, I am at last able to look forward to the future with positivity and confidence, understanding this current journey will end one day.
