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    My Journey

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    The Medium who contacted me over my Grandmother came round last night.  She wanted to explain any unanswered questions and wanted to show Darrell and I the way to opening our minds to allow others, to find us!  

    During the past I used to be a lot more open-minded than I am now.  Somewhere along the way, I lost the will to believe, and the ability to empathise! I hope after her visit that will change.  I still remain a sceptic on things I don't fully understand, until someone shows me otherwise..

    I had a lot of questions I wanted answered, after all, it isn't every day that a Medium contacts you, to inform you that they are with your dead Grandmother.  My first question was the one we all want to know, the most obvious, but least understood concept.

    'What happens when we die?'

    'Everything, everyone, all things, are made of energy; energy can't die.  At the point of death, from this life we are taken to another place.  We spend three months preparing for what's ahead!  Their world is very real, they can communicate with each other, as humans can.  They can move from place to place, and they are attracted to white energy or light.

    White Energy

    The words I write in this blog, the way  they are written and the reasons behind the subjects I choose, are a part of positive, white energy or light.  I have this strange need to write everything down, tell the truth and ignore the detractors!  I know that and so do all of you, if you read my Blog,  As each day passes, I have a stronger and stronger urge to write down the real facts, I have no idea why!

    'Spirits are attracted to positive white energy!'

    So what makes energy positive or negative? Well quite simply, the truth.  If you are honest, you will be protected!  The Medium asked me, how many times, in recent memory, could I have come to harm?  After thinking about it I said 'HUNDREDS of times, literally HUNDREDS!'

    'If you continue to tell the truth, and emit positive energy, you will be protected!'

    Up until recently, there was a lot of blue or negative energy around us.  The people here, were bad and had an agenda; yes of course these people were dreadful, in every sense of the word. Nearly everyone who came to my house, were the worst  I could have hoped for.  These people emit blue energy, and sadly for the last couple of years, I had invited these people into my life, willingly! 

    The one thing I couldn't understand, was the reason my Nan knew how to contact a Lady who knew me. 

    After three months of being prepared for the Afterlife by guides and guardians, it is now up to them to fully adjust and live their new life.  I asked her for example, if my Nan would be with my Granddad. 'If they both wanted to, then yes, but is that what they want?'  My Granddad, may have decided No, he did not want to.   If I know my Granddad at all, I'm sure he is glad of the break! The people they are around are those they all choose to be around.  The important point for me, is my Nan chose to seek me out.  When I relapsed, became ill and everything that happened thereafter, she wanted to contact me!  She probably knew who to contact, through a photo, that existed of myself and the Medium together in the past.  There is such a photograph, but only one. It takes a lot of energy to find someone, so for them it must have been important.

    The Gift!

    'You have the gift!'

    Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability.  I am an 'Empath.'  and used to believe far more in the past than I do now!  A lot has happened in the last few years to stop me believing!  She made me think about the past.  The times when I was open and able to see, hear and feel things, that today I find very difficult.  

    You have to understand, especially with Bipolar, that you are always perceived vulnerable and this makes it difficult to open ones mind fully, without the possibility of ridicule or non belief.  I suppose in many respects, I have let Bipolar overtake my real instincts, feelings and abilities.  

    I have been given the knowledge to move forward and shown techniques to open my mind; I will try to use them to my best ability, but not yet, I have to get completely well enough first!  When I am well, I can then give my fullest attention to something I still do not fully understand!

    The Truth

    The future for me, looks good; I will be well, soon enough, to continue my life and it is going to be very different!  I do not want to see, hear or be around those who were in my life before.  I now know who they really are and what they truly wanted from me and others.  Part of my current recovery process, is to get accuracy out there.  I WILL DO THAT.  I don't care what happens, I intend to make correctness, facts, integrity and reality important, making my intentions clear, with enough information to hang a lot of people. I am the one who needs to start putting right, the wrong doings of the past!

    These people do not understand the truth, at all.  Whatever I say to them, they would deny it.  They believe, or rather their self belief is a delusion of their own making!  The one thing they forget, is the wealth of information, the weight of evidence and the growing number of people who can finally see them for who they are! I will begin to write down more and more of what happened to us and indeed others.  I will make sure they can finally disappear back to where they came from!

    'Keep telling the truth.  The truth will protect you, always!'
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    Vote Conservative!

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    This isn't going to be popular at all, with some of my family and friends.  I am my own person, able to make my own choices and have learnt much over the years. I used to be a Labour supporter, for really weak, one track reasons. Those reasons are now gone.   I lived under the Thatcher Governments of the 1980s and indeed Section 28, they were horrible times for me as a person growing up Gay.  Ever since that period I have continually voted for the Labour Party, because I was not prepared to listen to any other arguments or Policies put forward by other parties;  Section 28, was my narrow voting focus!

    Things have changed rapidly, since those times.  Under a Labour Government, I ran my own Business and the burden of taxation and red tape was intolerable.  Every year something new to contend with,  It was certainly the wrong time to run your own business.  Then there was Gordon Brown, probably the most useless Prime Minister in history.  A bitter, twisted Scotsman with an ego as big as his spending whilst in office! Never elected, forced Tony Blair from Office, through his pompous, inflated ego!

    I am presently surprised at just how well David Cameron has done as PM.  The amount of money I pay in tax, is now lower than I paid in the 1980s.  The Bedroom Tax, what the hell is wrong with this, well WHAT?  People in Council Housing are given subsidized housing, paid for by you and me;  cheap rents,  I am not privileged to.  I pay £1000 a month.  If I require another room or two, I have to pay for that, and rightly so. Darrell and I pay for a three-bedroom house, because that is what we want.  If you want more space, extra room at the taxpayers expense, you pay for it, or give your house up for someone who needs it more!

    The economy is the fastest growing in Europe.  Chancellor Osborne has proven his credentials as a good Chancellor.  I admit I had doubts at the beginning, but I have been proven wrong.   I dread to think what would happen if Labour got in at this moment, spend, spend, spend. Miliband is inept, fought his better brother for leader of The Labour Party and does not have an ounce of decency or integrity left.  I don't trust Labour any more, they destroyed our Country economically, they spent what we didn't have, they didn't tell us the truth!

    Think hard when you put a cross on that piece of paper.  This is another five years, make sure you read each parties Manifesto, then decide.  Above all do not vote for UKIP, that would be foolish.  Let the Conservative Party finish what they started.  I do not want to keep paying my taxes to people who really do not deserve it.  Get these people back to work, but as a word of warning to the Tory party, do not make those who really need help suffer, then you will have a truly Great Government!

    Vote Conservative on 7 May 2015!
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    The Truth!

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    The truth is important for me right now.  Be aware that I will continue to write what I know to be correct and true.

    I have had a lot of positive feedback for my honesty. I have also had some negative. If you don't want or find it hard to listen to, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, then stop reading this blog.

    After tonight, things are going to get, a lot more uncomfortable for the liars out there. It's been a long time coming.  So remember don't log in if you don't like hearing the facts!
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    Choices!

    Been a bit of an emotional day today.  Over ten years ago I began writing a book on my life.  This was before I was diagnosed with Bipolar.  I used to be far more creative, before medication, the first chapter, though upsetting for myself and Darrell to read, showed memories, I have long since forgotten.  My school years were not great, this is an honest account of those times. I have changed names to protect peoples identities. Reading through the lines, you could see the warning signs for the rest of my life!

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    Manipulation!

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    Darrell and I have been talking about our relationship tonight. This evening, a friend, Sami Lambert mentioned, how she never knew, how easily, I was manipulated. Darrell and I have been together a long time and in all honesty over the duration of our time together, everyone has respected our relationship.  It wasn't until the last two years that things changed, We met different people, new people, untried and untested, and we took them at face value.  Darrell and I are very trusting, OK too trusting, but I  would hate going through life judging everyone I met instantly.  It's not a great way to build up trusted friendships.

    It isn't until you move away from a group of people that you realise the true extent of the damage caused. As we look forward to our Marriage together, we are discussing, just what got us here today.  Coming to terms with the past, is the best way to move forward, a great healer and a warning for the future!

    I am a thinker and writer; it is good to challenge ones own thought processes.  As people become closer friends,  I start to notice negative, rather than positive influences.  I am observant, intelligent or as they would frequently say, paranoid.  You are being over sensitive, reading too much into stuff.  That is my weak point, I believe and trust them enough to doubt what I know is true.  That is a real problem, because when these things crop up again, I trust them not me; manipulation at work!

    Over twenty years together, we had never split up until recently, twice in two years, not through things we had done, but rather the people around us.

    A group of us went out to the club, I remember we were all stood at the bar, and I was the only one with a jacket on. The music was playing on the down stairs dance floor, it was a bit noisy and hard to hear properly! I remember James handing me, what I thought was his wallet and I mouthed, something like 'Do you want me to put it in my pocket?' I was the only one with a coat, so guessed he wanted me to look after it. I put it in the inside pocket and thought no more of it.

    We went back to James afterwards. I rarely went back there, but promised not to wake Darrell up, so had little choice. In the early hours, I decided to go home, well I said I was going for a walk, If I had said I was going home, they would have come with me and Darrell would have gone mad! I wanted to stop off on the way and get some cigarettes; going home would mean, they would not be smoking all my cigarettes. None of them worked and had any money, and I was getting sick of dishing out cigarettes I was paying for, I left, went home and got straight in bed!

    When morning came, I remember looking through my jacket pockets for some change, when I came across the wallet. I text James and told him I had it, just in case he thought he'd lost it. Probably about five minutes later, he replied, saying he did not know what I was talking about, he denied it again and again. Eventually I looked inside the wallet, to discover, it was not even his, it belonged to someone else. James had lifted the wallet off a table in the club and I had put it in my pocket, I was livid.

    After confronting him, he told me I had stolen it from a guy up Southampton Common. At that stage I thought he'd lost the plot, he had stolen the bloody wallet and had made up some cock and ball story, to deflect from the theft.

    It was Halloween, myself, Darrell and a couple of mates were walking down to the club, wearing very little at all; It was snowing. I was walking ahead with Paul, Darrell was behind us with Chris under an umbrella. Darrell my partner was acting odd as soon as we got there, which was unlike him.

    Two weeks later we headed out to the club again, Chris was also there. Darrell had had a rough few weeks, he was put on anti depressants and was feeling the worst he'd felt in a while. We returned after the club, where I spent most of the time talking to a mate on the bed.

    Things started to get a bit strange, Darrell had informed me he was going to have a bath with Chris. I said I would rather he didn't, he ignored me, they both went in the bathroom and locked the door! I was still on the bed chatting at the time, gobsmacked. My mate was going mad and threatened to kick the door in;  I told him to leave it. We had a massive row after they got out the bathroom, and he stayed with a close friend that night; upset and angry, I was looked after by my mate.

    When he got home the next day we shouted and screamed and low and behold the truth, according to James and Chris, Darrell had been told I had be having sex at the common with this young lad and I had stolen his wallet; a fantasy made up in his head. For reasons, he never explained, Darrell was also confronted by Chris on Halloween night, saying, that because I had cheated he should also do the same. Darrell was put on antidepressants over the whole thing and finally told me on that night. Darrell assured me nothing happened in the bathroom; I believed him, why wouldn't I.

    The whole thing was made up, to cause maximum damage to our relationship. Darrell was vulnerable, through stress at work and this caused him to start medication. Our relationship was being used as a game by James and Chris for their own ends. I do not know what they are.

    My relationship had faltered through lies. He was told by them and others afterwards to leave me. When he said no, they said they would wash their hands of him. Darrell was a state.

    Even when I tried to kill myself, after Darrell walked out, after just coming out of Hospital, I received an anonymous phone call telling me who he was staying with and there was a lot more to it. I suppose after the amount of interfering we had had in our life, I had become immune to it. I have never had such manipulation, lies and rubbish thrown at me before, ever. I became resistant to it; I was just dead inside.

    Of course, we both know the truth now. It was the worst, sustained assault of untruths and game playing with our lives, we had ever had, and for what? We just don't know. Not much shocks us, but we felt sick at what could have happened.

    Luckily we are free of them now, but we both realise just how close we came to ending it, over the most disgusting bunch of manipulative people I have ever met. It still shocks us even now!

    Why do people do this? For what ends? In all our twenty years together this has never happened. It has been quite weird writing this down with Darrell. Looking back at it now, we just can't believe it.

    All names used in this piece of writing are fictitious!
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    Strength!

    So what describes strength? Here is an online definition!
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    This is the sixth post I have on the go at the moment.  I have had an exhausting few days, but my mind as per usual is full of stuff I need to say, mainly about how my thoughts rest against others through interaction, something that I started to miss, up until recently.  A Bipolar mind can be terribly confusing at times.  So much to say and do, things always come out wrong and end up hurting someone close!

    Now I've learnt a lot about the strength of others in recent times.  Having to rely on others for the strength you lost, can be heartbreaking.  I was always the strong one, you could almost say controlling.  I had f*cked up so much in life, I guess I wanted to retain some control over my life.  I am sure I hurt Darrell by trying to do accounts, that I had no idea how to do in reality.  Losing thousands of pounds in a failed Business venture, yet I thought I had to ability to maintain a healthy budget at home; absolutely beyond me.  I suppose It was the last dying throes of  failure in everything, just trying to hang on to even the simplest task of Home Economics; I should have just given up.

    Darrell and I have needed a lot of strength over the last few weeks. To be honest, Darrell more than I, I just took a sedative and left planet Earth.  This is the first time Darrell has taken control of my destiny, and bloody hell, boy done good! Darrell has always found it difficult to command attention.  He rightly feels, I can be overbearing and  just boggle people with big words.  True, Intelligence can stop most people in their tracks.  If you can't argue, don't bloody bother, a waste of my time!

    When the Police told me he had agreed to be my official carer, I didn't know what to expect.  It was the condition they made to keep me out of Hospital and I expected the worst.  You know what, Darrell surprised me in every sense.  He has dealt with my work, he managed to get me an appointment with a psychiatrist within two weeks, not the predicted three months.  He has dealt with the surgery, in his own unique way; to my horror, it worked though;  I am so proud of what he has done.

    Of course to stay out of Hospital, one has two have a close network of friends.  I actually didn't realise how many I had. Nurse Natalee, is a hard one to be fair.  No sympathy at all, up front, in your face and extremely over protective.  She has been that childhood Nanny of my fears, the Dentist who refused to give pain relief and that Teacher who took great pleasure in wrapping my knuckles with a cane.  To be honest, what does one really need in these situations? Tea and sympathy? Or a reality check? She was perfect for the job; the last thing I needed or need is some patronising psychotherapist patting my leg.

    Strength, is something I learnt very quickly at School, god I hated the damn place.   I went to the roughest School in Fareham, surrounded by Council Estates on all sides.  I also grew up on a small estate myself and couldn't stand it; the people, the false community spirit and yes the bullying.  School can be a horrible place if you are different, kids can be so cruel and each comment literally destroys another part of your soul.  So what do you do, spend the next five years in a living hell, or try to salvage some shred  of dignity, do or die as they say. Well I survived, so I guess I learnt to deflect the worst of it.  

    It is my belief that strength of character can only be learnt in tough times.  These periods teach us the most valuable lessons.  Nobody is claiming these times are easy, nor should they be, if they were we would learn absolutely nothing. They were the hardest times of my life, but they made me who I am today!  Back in  those days, it really felt like you were on your own, Section 28 was in place and I could not talk to anyone about my sexuality, so there was no one there. For me strength at that time was in dealing with issues on my own, emotionless, hardened towards the harsh realities of what was a deeply upsetting time.
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    As I have grown over the years, I have seen generation, after generation, dealing with issues in the same way, from homosexuality, bullying to abuse.  Those dealing with these and many more issues, deal with it themselves, without showing weakness or emotion.  It is my belief, for most it is the only way to survive it.  If I had cried at the drop of a hat, each time I was called 'faggot or bent', the abuse would have been far worse.  It has made me heartless at times, but know this, when I am alone, I cry, never in front of people!  Well I say never, rather people have to earn the right to see my emotions, that takes a lot of trust, familiar bonds and a closeness very few have.  

    I need to mention Jay Greaves here!  I can't actually believe the amount of people that told me to avoid him.  Even to this day I have no idea why.  He is the sum of his own experiences, like myself and many others.  We have all learnt from the past and DO NOT want to be hurt again.  We have all got emotions still, we just choose not to let the majority in and why? Mainly because most gays have no idea of the harsh realities of life, don't battle, destroy others and bully..... Ring any bells?  Yes just like School!
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