I was watching 'The Big Questions' on BBC 1 this morning; not a programme I usually watch, but it was interesting nevertheless. One of the subjects they were discussing this week, was the subject of death, after all it comes to us all, eventually. It was interesting to see, how other peoples perspectives, on a very difficult subject, ones own mortality, differed from my own. Death and dying isn't something I think about on a daily basis, it doesn't really cross my mind at all. Like most people, unless you experience bereavement first hand, you really have no need to. So far in my life, I haven't had to deal with death, that often, unlike some of those I know, but of course have had my fare share of encounters, not least my own.
My first experience, dealing with a loved one, who had passed away, was the death of my Grandfather. At the time, he was in Queen Alexandra Hospital, in Portsmouth, in one of the worst wards, I have ever been seen. The staff were terrible; they did little or nothing to help my Grandfather. My Grandmother did most of the lifting and social care and was told in no uncertain terms, she would have too, they didn't have the staff, to help her. Even in death, the staff laughed, as a member of my family passed away. I have never forgotten that moment, sadly arriving too late, to see him alive. Watching the life drain away from someone, is an experience I never want to glimpse again, it was heartbreaking. Those Doctors and Nurses, who used my Grandfathers death, as an opportunity to joke, will have to answer for their own actions. They are the last people to command respect from me. Often when we have a negative experience with authority, we reject the system that allowed it to happen.
I have seen more friends, of my own age, die than family from older generations. The very first person I knew, who died, was Billy Joe Smith; someone I knew from School, not a person I particularly got on with, but someone, who brought death head long into my life. He had sniffed gas, and his life was over. A young life lost, through the spectre of drugs and abuse. Another friend Matt Corbett committed suicide, by jumping from a bridge. He had phoned myself and Darrell, only a few weeks before and we were just too busy, with our new business to see him. The guilt I still feel today is enormous. Another friend Steve Rogers died, after a drunken night out, choking in his sleep; a life wasted. Most recently, Andrew Baxter, a friend of 25 years, took his own life. His situation was the worst, I have ever experienced. Andy had once again been messaging me, right up until his death, even asking for help towards the end, because of someone who was treating him badly. There was nothing I could do, I had just moved to Spain, so did my best to give advice and a shoulder to cry on, despite the distance. Another set of circumstances, that will forever haunt me. Finally a lady who I used to work with, Sally, also took her own life, jumping from a motorway bridge. I attended the Humanist funeral, but couldn't help thinking, there should have been a prayer or two. Not the sort of funeral I would want, very cold and empty.
The most difficult loss for me, was my Grandmother, who died at the age of 90. She was a strong woman, a fighter and always determined. Aging had taken its toll on her and she became very bitter towards the World. This feisty Liverpudlian passed away on her own, in sheltered accommodation. The resulting circumstances, in conjunction with her passing, were not appropriate in my view. Basing a whole lifetime, solely on the last few years of ones life, is not something any of us should do. All of us have lives, some of us face challenges, no one else would ever understand; in death, all are equal, as are those we leave behind.
Of course I had my own 'Near Death Experience,' when I was found by friends and Paramedics in difficult circumstances. In death, I experienced some amazing things; a beautiful technicolour World, flying high above the ground, seeing faces of people, still living. I saw a tunnel and no light, which is when I was brought back, to the land of the living, by a friend and nurse who was there at the time. I found it very difficult to come to terms with what happened, seeking answers, wherever I could, eventually ending up at the Catholic Church, in London Road, Southampton, explaining to a Priest, what I had been witness to. He was the only person, who gave me the response and explanation, I needed. At that point, my life changed; I was no more an atheist. I wasn't a fully fledged Catholic and devout church goer either, but something had triggered inside of me; I have become a far more spiritual person as a result.
So what do I actually believe in? What does death mean to me?
Let me first say, death most certainly does not mean the end; after my 'NDE', I can definitely say, there was something afterwards, I saw it, for myself and remember it, in all its vivid detail, which, as the Priest said, speaking to me, is a miracle in itself. I believe, what happened to me, was a wake up call and I had to use it, to change my whole life, which I did begin to do, shortly afterwards. Part of the reason I am living in Spain now, is because of that fateful evening. I began to rethink, everything I ever believed to be true and have moved forwards accordingly. I tolerated much before, today I don't. I understand just how fragile life is and want to live it to the fullest.
This brings me to religion; I don't believe in God in the traditional sense. I believe in a higher being and, someone who was responsible, for all we see around us. The Bible, is a fictional interpretation, of what actually happened, using symbolism, metaphors and imagery to explain, making the process of understanding, much easier to fathom. There isn't God sitting on a cloud in heaven; in fact it is more likely, God was an Alien, who is responsible for genetically engineering the human race. What God does, is symbolise a creator, because in truth, if we all think about it logically, there has to have been someone, or something that triggered the 'Big Bang', awakening our consciousness billions of years later. Everything happens for a reason, even if we can't understand that rationale. Do we have to fully understand everything that happens in life, or should we just accept it. Scholars have proven that the existence of a man called Jesus; in fact all religious profits, because that is who Jesus was, a profit; all have a basis of fact, but there is no proof of a God; that is about faith. If we believe in God, a higher being, deity, numen or demiurge, then we are trusting our beliefs, faith and conviction to be true.
I read a lot about religion; I have a copy of the Bible, Quaker Faith and Practice, The Mahabharata and even the Quran, because I am interested in the issues raised, about life, existence and history in these religious texts. All of these books have similar stories to tell, rather like the Egyptians and pagans before, which says to me, there has to be a semblance of truth in these manuscripts. In time, maybe, as Scientists make more discoveries, about our life on Earth, we may find out the truth; why we are here. For now we just keep guessing!
I do have a belief in an afterlife; I can't explain what I think it is, but I believe it is unique to each individual. The mind, at the quantum level does continue to function after death; as a person who has a keen interest in Science, I am well aware, that atoms can not be destroyed, since we are made from atoms, we have to go somewhere; back to the stars, from where we came, is my best guess. Living in an infinite Universe, as we do, allows for interminable, limitless possibilities; the likelihood of an afterlife, is more likely than not. As human beings, we should never close our minds, to any philosophical belief or argument. Unless you or I can prove otherwise, we should acknowledge that anything is attainable, which I do every day. You see when you have been to the places I have, how can you discount anything!
