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    An Endurance Journey!

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    I completed a run of just over 20 miles on Saturday. It has been quite a few years since I’ve done that distance. It was good despite the last 3 miles being a bit of a slog and I had to dig deep a few times to keep going. I didn’t give up, felt motivated, and was fully focused on getting that distance completed.

    It got me to thinking about why I enjoy endurance sports and where that interest comes from.

    I saw my Mum on Sunday, and she had found some old photos for me (some of which I had forgotten about) – some of those may answer the question of why I enjoy endurance events.

    I did my first triathlon 25 years ago. Back then very few people took part in the sport and my training was very much trial and error. Back then the internet didn’t exist, so my main points of reference were a book I had bought about triathlon (which wasn’t a huge help) and a few copies of Triathlon magazine (not a great deal of help either as it focused on what races some of the elite had done and what was happening in the USA). I trained for a few months and just hoped for the best on the day.

    Looking at those photos on Sunday made me realise that my interest in endurance sports developed years before. There is one photo of me when I’m about 10 years of age having just finished a cross-country fun-run with my first finishers medal around my neck.

    My Dad was into cycling and as a teenager I did a few charity rides with him – usually around 50-60 miles (which is a decent distance for a 14-year-old to ride. And looking at one of those photos and how skinny my legs look (!!!) I’m somewhat shocked I was able to ride those distances at that age). This led to being interested in races like the Tour de France (years before Britain even had a winner of the event – just having a British rider on the start line was a huge deal back then).

    At school I played football, rugby, (hated cricket), and swam. I was OK, nothing exceptional. Outside of school I canoed for a little while (as part of my Duke of Edinburgh bronze award). I tried out a few other sports as well – again nothing really stuck in terms of wanting to participate long term. I went on a couple of outward bounds trips with the school to the Lake District and for a kid growing up in London that was a real eye-opener. The open space, the hills, the vastness of the place, and the sense of achievement making it up some of the mountains.

    I remember going to watch the first ever London Marathon with my Nan in 1981. We stood outside Embankment station cheering and clapping the runners on, and I remember saying to my Nan that I would run a marathon one day (and probably didn’t realise what was involved, it just looked pretty cool to me).

    I never joined any cycling or athletics clubs as a kid and at school there was never really that interest or encouragement from teachers to pursue any sports outside of school. I remember watching various sports programmes as a kid and that is where some of that interest really developed – city centre cycling shown on Channel Four, very brief highlights (2-5 minutes) of the Ironman in Hawaii, the Olympic Games in Moscow and Los Angeles (1980 and 1984).

    When I was growing up there was a bloke who lived on the same estate who was a long distance runner and as kids we thought he was Superman!!!! We'd see him run off and then hours later (whilst we were still playing football and hitting windows he'd return, and we'd be amazed at how far he'd run!) All of those things have contributed in a small way to the journey I have been on in terms of endurance sports. All of those things have had a lasting influence on this journey.

    There have been times when I’ve not entered events for a couple of years and just trained with no end goal or main purpose – but something has always drawn me back into finding an event, entering it, putting in the training, completing it and moving onto the next goal.

    When I completed my first triathlon 25 years ago I wanted to see what else I could achieve and over the years went from short distance events to much longer distance events. When I completed my first marathon in 1998, once my legs had recovered, I wanted to see if I could get quicker over the distance.

    I remember speaking to people that took part in ultra-marathons (and also reading a few books about the sport) thinking that is unbelievable and not for me, way too far. I think deep down I’ve always looked to push myself on my terms on what I can achieve. Taking part in endurance sports allows me to do that, and it has been an incredible journey and one where I have learnt a lot about myself. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone and seeing what is beyond that – both physically and mentally.

    I look at that photo of me as a 10-year-old with that finishers' medal around my neck and wonder if someone told me then that in 40 years’ time I would be training to run 50 km what my reaction would have been.

    Every time I think that the journey is complete there has always been something else that has drawn me back in, motivated me, fuelled that curiosity, made me wonder ‘what if’, and given me another goal to work towards.


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    The Changing Landscape!

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    It was all change today, as Britain moved out of lockdown and began to open up once again. After four months of closure, non-essential shops, hairdressers, alfresco dining and pubs can once again reopen, beginning the first tentative steps towards normality. Of course this was happening under the veil of the Duke of Edinburgh's death and the national eight days of mourning the country is currently in the midst of.

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    Out of respect to Prince Philip, all flags on public buildings are flying at half-mast and Portsmouth is no exception. Taking a short walk to Guildhall square over the last few days, I was pleased to see the Union Flag lowered to honour the memory of one of our countries greatest modernisers. Being a naval city, Portsmouth did have a close association with His Royal Highness and other members of the Royal Family. Guns were fired at The Hard in Portsea to mark his passing and by and large, locals are respectful and contemplative about the death of a long-standing national figure, like the Duke. You would expect nothing less from the headquarters of The Royal Navy, and I am proud to call this place home.
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    Things do seem rather different after the Dukes death; the period of national mourning dictates how Britain functions for the next eight days. Newsreaders and presenters wear sombre clothes, television shows reflect the mood of the country, and public services and advertising billboards give consideration to the loss of a significant member of the royal family. I was moved by a simple advertising hoarding at a bus stop in Commercial Road, marking the death of His Royal Highness, a sight mirrored throughout the city and country at large. The next eight days will be a period to remember and reflect on the life of Prince Philip, but it will also be a time to think about our own families and the loss we have all felt over the last year. There is no doubt we are all living through historic times and the death of the Queen's husband reinforces the challenges we are navigating; all of us have to find our own path through the difficulties both now and tomorrow.
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    The changing landscape was most noticeable today, as England's strict lockdown was lifted. I walked into the city early, to see everyone at Cancer Research, where I will be returning  soon, to once again start volunteering with Zerina, Sam and everyone else. I took a bag of unwanted clothes into the shop, and it was wonderful to finally see it open again, since its closure, the week before Christmas. The usual faces were there, beavering away behind the scenes; it felt like 'coming home,' chatting with old friends and colleagues alike.

    The shop had been cleared of all its Christmas stock, that had been proudly displayed up until a few days ago. It looked refreshed and ready for customers to return once again; such a welcome sight, after an awful trading period. Some members of staff were a little apprehensive over the reopening, after only having a single jab, but most were just happy to be back making money for Cancer Research. In a few weeks, after a particularly busy time for me, I will be back in the ranks, looking forward to the months ahead.
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    The rest of the city centre, was less busy than I expected. There were plenty of people about, but not the huge crowds one would have expected on the first day after lockdown. There was a large queue of customers outside Primark, but it was all well-organised and good-humoured, as everyone waited patiently in line. Thankfully I wasn't going to join them for a spot of shopping, Primark just isn't my kind of shop and I could think of nothing worse than being in close quarters with the great unwashed. I hurriedly passed by, happy to avoid the eager shoppers.

    The constantly changing landscape has been discernible over the last year, as we move from lockdown to opening up. The failure of 'Eat Out to Help Out,' and inevitable spread of the virus, cancelled family Christmases, the closure of public houses, communistic queuing in high streets and dystopian views, with roads free of traffic, have all contributed to a period like no other in our history. I am conscious of the tumultuous days that our now behind us, but I am apprehensive about the equally unsettled future ahead.

    Walking around the high street today, in the middle of an international crisis and an eight-day period of national mourning, I was more aware than ever of my own place in the World. I am just a single person, on a planet of 7 billion, trying to survive at a time when the planet is being ravaged by a pandemic. These first small steps to freedom are just the beginning of a return to sanity and I embrace them wholeheartedly. I hope and pray this will be the last lockdown, but nothing is certain as we all do our best not to repeat the mistakes of the past!
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    In The Moment!

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    Saturday provided me another opportunity for a long run, and it was a 15-mile session with a decent amount of off-road terrain. I’m enjoying the long runs, even more so when they are off-road. The long runs are providing me that opportunity to test out kit (this week was my new trail running shoes – perfect) and nutrition (again worked well, combination of energy drink, gels, and salt-chews to make sure my electrolytes are in balance).

    Another way that the long runs help is with focus and this week I found that to be a lot sharper. I’d done some work for my external study (more on that in a bit) on mindfulness and ‘being in the moment’. I had a rough idea of the distance I wanted to cover on Saturday and the route. I just focused on what was in front of me there and then. I didn’t focus on the miles I’d just done or the miles ahead of me either (neither of which I can have any amount of influence over). Instead, I just concentrated on the there and then, nothing else.

    I think that it is vitally important to put this type of training into practice in the build up to the ultra. Like the physical aspect, like getting my nutrition spot on, and like using the correct kit if my head and focus are in the right place that is going to count for a lot.

    I’ve watched a few documentaries recently on ultra-distancing running and one of the things that is constantly mentioned is the mental aspect – having your head in the right place throughout. And these athletes are racing some very tough events (Badwater 135, Barkley Marathons, Hardrock 100, and Western States 100), much tougher than the 50k ultra I’m training for but that mental aspect is of the same importance.

    The more I can focus, in training, on 'being in the moment,' the more beneficial it is going to be on the day. I’m covering the miles I need to do in training but if my focus and belief is not there then those miles count for nothing because when the going gets tough the focus will not be 'in the moment,' the 'there and then,' it will be on the miles I have ahead of me (and I can’t do a thing about that), it will be on things I can’t control, it will be those niggling little doubts.
     
    There was another plus point that happened in the week as well – 12 week review with my tutor for my external study. I’d submitted around 6 pieces of work which hadn’t been marked or signed off just prior to the meeting. I was a slightly concerned and didn’t fancy the prospect of spending a few evenings making changes, rewriting parts and having to resubmit the work. There were also some doubts around whether I was good enough to be doing the study in the first place (again the imposter syndrome rearing its head to put those doubts in my mind once more).

    The meeting went well. I’m ahead of schedule, the quality of my work is outstanding, I am showing a great understanding of the subject matter and how I am applying it. If anything, I’m doing work that I’m not evidencing, and I was told to include this as well. It was quite a relief but also highlighted that those self-doubts are still there but more importantly when I knuckle down what I can achieve.

    I don’t always give myself enough credit for what I have and do achieve (I tend to focus more on what else I can do, what more needs to be done, or my personal favourite of what more I could have done – and this is almost belittling my achievements).

    This was highlighted during the week when I was giving someone some advice on different aspects of run training – I didn’t think a great deal about it in the grand scheme of things and gave some advice based on personal experience over the years, what has worked well and what hasn’t, and a few other observations. I also wondered why they were asking me – and someone told me (because I don’t see it myself). I have a wealth of knowledge and experience of training for and competing in endurance events. Most people would be happy with finishing one marathon, I’ve finished 9 (and am planning to do a few more), most people would be happy to finish one triathlon, I’ve finished more than I care to remember including 4 Ironman distance and also raced for Great Britain. I don’t tend to place on a lot of emphasis on what I have achieved, the emphasis seems to be what I want to achieve or what I could have done better.

    I remember over the years seeking advice from people with much more experience and knowledge of training and racing and being in awe of what they had achieved. Maybe, just maybe I’m now in that position myself?

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    Countdown to 50!

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    Yesterday I was in a reflective mood, especially after the death of HRH Prince Philip. I have had time to think about the past and the future direction I want my life to take. When someone dies, in this case The Duke of Edinburgh, you are confronted by your own mortality and the reality is, I am not particularly happy reaching the milestone of fifty years old. I remember how traumatic it was, reaching forty, and I have very similar feelings today. This will also be the first year, I have celebrated a significant Birthday, without my partner by my side; this will be the most difficult of days and I would rather it wasn't happening at all!

    It has been another difficult week in mine and Darrell's life, living apart, as we continue to grapple with partnership in a pandemic. We are trying to cover all possible scenarios as we near the end of his two years away from the UK. It is difficult to gage exactly what will happen when his Indefinite Leave to Remain visa has expired, but both of us have to think of the worst that can happen. Our situation isn't ideal, so as I approach my 50th year I am conscious of just how difficult life is at the moment.

    Darrell and I have always celebrated our Birthdays to the fullest. For many years we would stage large parties and invite all our friends. In recent years however, especially during this pandemic, Birthdays have been rather low-key. I suppose I appreciate that, especially with Darrell being away from the UK; I am just not in the mood for celebrating, even if it is my fiftieth. Equally, reaching half a century is no mean feat. I never expected to reach this milestone; always living my life in the fast lane, experiencing everything I could, I fully expected to be dead long before now, but thus far it wasn't to be.

    Recently I heard of the death of a friend from the 1990s, a carefree, happy time in my life; Peter Crossman sadly passed away after battling cancer. Peter was younger than I and I have some rather fond memories, spending time with him, during a period of discovery as I came to terms with my sexuality. Like me, Peter partied hard and enjoyed every moment of his youth. His death brought home, just how fragile all our lives are. I have experienced more deaths personally, than I care to remember and all of them young, from that 90s Generation X. These were the people I was proud to call friends and their lights will always burn brightly in my heart and in the hearts of all who knew them.

    If I am truly honest, it has been a hard fifty years getting here. I never realised just how difficult my life would be and in many respects I feel old and worn out. Sick and tired of the continual battles I have to fight, I just want the next chapter to be a little more relaxing, without the stress and anxiety I feel every day. At fifty years old I should be winding down, thinking about taking a step back, but today I am working harder than I ever have, making up for the years of self-indulgence and excess; I really only have myself to blame.

    Birthdays inevitably signal a time of contemplation. This year I shall be looking back towards happier times, remembering past celebrations. My current melancholic mood isn't lifting anytime soon, so anything that puts a smile on my face will help me prepare for reaching fifty years of age. I am mindful of the challenges ahead as we pass the first year of the COVID pandemic and Darrell and I try to steer our marriage from opposite sides of the World. At fifty, I have many ambitions still to fulfil and a life to live, after being on hold for far too long. I hope to spend May 9th 2021 quietly at home with family, gracefully surpassing middle age and looking forward to a productive future. The last year or so has been perplexing and bewildering, but it has given me time to realise just what is important to me now - Family, close friends, my husband Darrell and the happiness wisdom and experience brings!
    A few photos from past Birthdays!
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    R.I.P. HRH The Prince Philip!

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    Today, like the rest of the World, I heard the devastating news, that HM The Queen's husband, Prince Philip Duke of Edinburgh, had passed peacefully away at home in Windsor Castle. This is undoubtedly heartbreaking news for Queen Elizabeth and members of the royal family. Prince Philip was the constant in Her Majesties life, indeed, all our lives; most of us know him as the formidable Duke, who was never afraid to speak his mind and make his opinions clear. He was a character like no other and will be sadly missed by a grateful nation for the service he gave!

    Prince Philip's contribution to public life, both here and abroad, is without question. He forged a new role within the royal institution and became the linchpin that galvanised his family, through many twists and turns over the years. His 'Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme' took a lead in helping generations of young adults, as they wrestled with their own insecurities and circumstances, a world away from the life of privilege he personally enjoyed. The Duke's active, hands-on approach, won the hearts and minds of all those he sought to encourage and will remain his enduring epitaph, as his contribution to public life is defined.

    Along with The Queen, the Duke helped shape the new Commonwealth of Nations, as Britain redefined its new place in the World. As Consort, he supported his wife, as she navigated this new era of change, celebrating diversity and giving a voice to countries, who otherwise would have had none. Together with his passion for wildlife conservation and the natural World, Prince Philip left an incalculable footprint on the planet.

    Originally a Prince of Greece and Denmark, Philip, separated from his own family, attended school in Britain, where he met the Queen. A capable serviceman he joined the Royal Navy in 1939 as a Cadet. In 1941 the Duke was mentioned in dispatches after the Battle of Matapan and was later awarded the Greek War Cross of Valour. After a distinguished naval career, he retired in 1951, due to the failing health of King George VI.  Shortly afterwards, he accepted his new enduring role as the recently crowned Queen's husband, a position he employed with gusto, in his own inimitable way.

    The Duke of Edinburgh's death, marks a milestone in the life of our nation. The modernising Prince, feared by Palace officials and detractors alike, has passed quietly into the history books. He has left an indelible mark on this country, its people and to those he knew and loved personally. At this time of upheaval, with the pandemic still raging across the World, reflecting on a life of public service is a reminder that all of us can achieve our ambitions and aspirations, given the opportunities he tried to promote. Prince Philip will remain an innovator and pioneer and despite his frequent impropriety and occasional indiscretion, he will always remain in the hearts of all of us, who understand the far-reaching legacy he leaves behind.

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