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    Mask on, Mood off: Reflections in Isolation!


    ​Well I guess it was only a matter of time before I got the bloody thing again and on Sunday it came hurtling towards me, at break neck speed, hitting me square in the face with a bang.

    A friend had come over for Sunday lunch — I was cooking a cottage pie, something I haven't had in years; wonderful comfort food during these long winters months in Australia. I had been feeling under the weather all day. My voice was a little horse and I had a tickly throat. My sinuses appeared to be blocked also, and I was starting to get a cough. 

    Dinner tasted great, just like Mother used to make. Savoury mince, carrots and peas, with a garlic mash topping and a layer of strong grated cheddar on top. However, this 'old school' dinner, hadn't done much for my sense of wellbeing, and by the time I had finished, I was feeling decidedly worse. Sitting down in the family room, I decided to take a COVID test. Luckily we had some in the cupboard, still in date. I thought it best just to make sure everything was OK. 

    ​Within seconds, the second line popped up on the bio-sensor — I was COVID positive! Now look, I know, COVID isn't what it used to be, top of the evening news, or even a brief mention in The Daily Mail, but to some — like me — it is particularly worrisome. At the moment, here in Western Australia, COVID and Flu are on the increase and despite being fully vaccinated and boosted, I am well aware, I suffer more than most.

    Laying on my bed, at my Aunts house in Portsmouth, Boris Johnson, The British Prime Minister, gave his address to the nation. We were all told to stay at home, we weren't allowed to go outside, and we had to avoid contact with the most vulnerable people in society. I gently put my mug of Bovril down on my side table and checked my phone. Already, the PM's speech had reached Darrell in Australia, who was completely locked down on the other side of the World. Both of us were trapped in our respective countries, unable to leave, travel and be with one another. After 23 years together, we were finally separated, for reasons beyond our control. At that unhinged moment, in March 2020, I knew things were serious; this was the day the World changed and life went slowly down hill from then — Just look where we are today!

    As a key worker, I wasn't afforded the luxury of staying at home. As a supermarket employee, I was part of the thousands of supermarket workers, up and down the country, charged with keeping the food chain going. Without us, people wouldn't be able to eat. We were given a letter to afford us the privilege of walking or driving to work, just in case we were stopped by the police. With the streets of Fratton empty, life, for me at least, carried on relatively normally and for that I was truly grateful.

    I contracted COVID-19 for the first time, shortly after lockdown, losing my taste and smell. Because it wasn't on the list of approved Government symptoms, I continued working, doing my bit for the country. As I know now, Anosmia is a symptom of COVID. This was the only symptom I had, and it took several months for my senses to return. I tried everything to get my sense of taste back — chocolate muffins with mustard, chilli and peanut butter — all to no avail! By the time it returned, I was self-isolating with a second bout of the dreaded disease, this time much worse than before.

    Working in retail had become hazardous. Having to self-isolate, with symptoms, meant the whole household had to do the same — it truly was a debilitating time. The Government duly paid my wages, at a time when I was forced to remain at home. Darrell kept in close contact, my breathing became laboured, my head was banging and fatigue was the order of the day. These were strange times, unlike anything I had ever experienced before. As my period of self-isolation came to an end, I looked forward to returning to work.

    Walking to work once again, I was struck by the Easter posters and advertising in shop windows, still closed in May, nearly a month after Easter had ended and almost two months after lockdown was announced. The streets were still empty, with hardly a soul in sight. Tesco was my saving grace. My colleagues were my family, friends, confidants, and support. This was a period — although dark — that I look back on with fondness. I cemented some truly amazing friendships and met even more amazing people. New colleagues arrived from all over, from different walks of life, all working together to keep the supermarkets open.

    ​As colleagues became ill, other, new colleagues took over, different faces appeared every day. We celebrated national events and milestones together. Shared Birthdays and Christmas as a family and navigated the strange 'new normal,' as Britain grappled with the increasing number of COVID cases, reported daily on the news. The outlook looked bleak, but, we all had each other and became the support each of us needed, in the absence of friends and family.

    From lockdowns to furlough, 'Eat Out to Help Out,' local lockdowns, mandatory mask wearing and the resulting cold sores and the bucket loads of sanitiser, cracked bleeding hands and blisters, we got through it all, mostly intact. Of course, each of us knew someone who had lost someone, but in the main, we all survived to tell the tale. These were anxiety inducing times, but they also made us stronger and more able to cope with whatever was thrown our way.

    Today there are no nightly statistics, no records of deaths and no news nightly briefings from the Government. In 2025, COVID still exists, as I can testify today, but simply, it is no longer part of the media agenda. As vaccinations and immunity have slowly watered down a virus, that was so dangerous before — and to some, still is today — we have all learnt to look past the worst and remain positive for the future.

    Here I am, thousands of miles from home and a lifetime away from the Coronavirus of the early 20s, but I am still suffering from the dreaded virus, just not in the same way. For most, the Pandemic was a lonely time; for me, it was nothing but. Today in Australia I am more lonely now than I ever was during the coronavirus and that is why I am in a reflective mood this week.

    To admit you enjoyed the Pandemic years, is the wrong thing to say, but I do long for a time, where all of us were as one, as we were then, and part of something greater. Suffering with COVID today, just makes me remember how different things could have been. I realise just what is important in life — it's friends and family, the memories we share and the times we had together — I miss that, I miss it more than I can say, I miss it with all my heart!
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    That's What Mums Do....

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    It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Life has been a little crazy in the past few weeks and each time I've had five minutes to myself to write I've just come to a complete block.

    I had my first jab on the 25th March and felt a little rough a couple of days later. 12 days later though I felt really unwell. High temperature, shivering and a general feeling like someone had pulled the plug out. I ached all over, had a constant headache and felt sick. I'm not one to take time off work, but I was incapable of doing anything. I did a lateral flow COVID-19 test and that was negative but after a couple of days feeling like this I was a little worried. I spoke to my Dr and had a test sent out, fortunately it was negative and the Dr has put it down to a reaction to the jab. After 5 days I felt OK just a little worn down.

    Since the easing of the lockdown restrictions I've been travelling to the office 2 days per week and it has been so lovely to see colleagues. To actually see faces without masks. I've managed to meet up with some old friends and also with some new friends made through my group. I really enjoy being in company. To spend a few hours in a garden or walking along the beach having a coffee, chat and a laugh has been so needed.

    We have had some happy news in our family, the first in a while. My daughter proposed to her partner on her partner's birthday, and she said yes! My daughter had spoken to me a couple of months ago telling me her plans and asking for my opinion on a choice of rings. It meant so much that she included me and her partner's mum in the proposal plan. Being a big softy I cried with happiness when she told me and struggled to contain my excitement when the day came. A couple of days after I spent the afternoon with my future daughter-in-law, and although they are not planning to get married in the immediate future she did tell me what they are thinking of. It was so lovely spending time with just her as my daughter was at work. I feel so lucky that my daughter is so happy in her life.

    My son is 17 this week and I always get emotional around my children's birthdays. He is growing up so quickly. He's just applied for an engineering apprenticeship and got an interview next week. I am so proud of the young man he is growing into. He also gave me a huge scare two weeks ago.

    Both of my children are type 1 diabetics. My daughter was only diagnosed last year aged 21, but my son was diagnosed at 12. The first year after diagnosis was a massive learning curve. He had to carb count which meant weighing everything he ate and working out the number of carbs in the ingredients, then working out how much insulin to take. Due to his age and his hormones going mad it was a very up and down time with several hospital admissions whilst we learnt to adjust to this new and ongoing way of life for him.

    Type 1 diabetes is considered a lifelong chronic illness and can cause many complications. My son learnt very quickly how to manage his diabetes to the best of his ability, but there are factors that are beyond his control that can cause huge problems. His ever-changing hormones as a teenager or when he has a sickness bug or even the common cold can affect his sugars. Hypoglycaemia and Hyperglycaemia are common for T1 diabetics and whilst we now recognise the symptoms and can usually manage the highs and lows without medical intervention there are times when it just doesn't work.

    Two weeks ago was one of these times. My son had been perfectly OK all day. His sugars for the most part are exactly where they need to be on a day to day basis. He went out at about 8pm that evening for a walk with his friend. He was home 30 minutes later and said he was having a low. He looked awful and was dripping in sweat. This is unusual for him. Usually with a low he gets dizzy, verbally aggressive and if too low gets disorientated, slurs his words and is lethargic. That alone is scary, but this was something different. I checked his blood sugars, and they were at 1.6, this is dangerously low. He had told me he felt low halfway through his walk and had eaten some high sugar bars, but it had not helped. His clothes were soaked with sweat, and he was shaking uncontrollably. I got him out of his wet clothes and wrapped him in a duvet. I needed to treat the low so gave him something to bring his sugars up. I checked his temperature and was shocked as he was at 32.5 degrees. Hypothermic. This has only ever happened once before and that was in 30 degree heat in July just after he was diagnosed.

    He sounded like he was drunk. His words were slurred, and he was finding it difficult to think or process what was being said to him. I know with hypothermia you need to warm the person slowly, but I also had to continue to treat his low. After 30 minutes of doing this and with no improvements I phoned the hospital. Fortunately we have a direct number to the Children's Assessment Unit, and they are fantastic at giving us advice or if more urgent treatment is needed they organise directly.

    Although I was scared I was so calm. The hospital was concerned but reassured me I was doing everything right. We needed to wait another 30 minutes, keep warming him gradually and treating the lows but if no improvement an ambulance would have been needed. I did exactly as required. His sugars started to rise, but he was still incredibly cold. With his sugars rising he was able to get into a warm shower. After a while his temperature rose to 34. I spoke to the hospital again, and they were happy an ambulance wasn't needed although from previous experience his sugars can then go the opposite way then plummet again taking us back to step 1.

    This low and hypothermia had really taken it out of him, and he just wanted to sleep. I kept him in my lounge and let him sleep on the sofa as I still needed to monitor his sugars and temp for a while. Eventually at 11.30pm I was happy he was stable enough to go to bed. I however needed to check him again an hour later and repeat throughout the night every two hours. It is like having a newborn baby again. After he went to bed my calmness disappeared, and I sat and sobbed. I had been running on adrenaline and when that leaves your body it can cause a low. My son is growing up and wants to live a normal life. I worry about if things like this happen when he is away from home, who will help him? Would he be able to phone for help? The reality that I cannot be there for him forever hit me like a brick.

    The following day I had to go to work, exhausted as up at 2am, again at 4 then up for work at 6. My son spent the day with his grandparents as he was still feeling wiped out and his temp was still only 35 degrees. We don't know what caused it, but it can happen at any time without warning. My son has a great circle of friends who are for the most part sensible, and they know of my son's condition. This does help put my mind at rest a little. I can't wrap my kids up in cotton wool but oh it is so hard sometimes. After it all returns to normal my son is fine but gets cross that I worry too much. Maybe he will understand one day when he has children of his own that all you want to do as a parent is protect your child. I would do anything for my children not to have this illness, but I cannot change it. I have to let him grow and get on with his life whilst keeping my fears hidden away.


    On Friday he will be 17. He is excitedly talking about learning to drive, holidays with friends and the possibility of travelling in the future. I will happily support my son in everything he wants to do but inside I will always worry, sometimes too much, but that's what mums do.

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    A Huge Sense of Sadness

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    I wanted to write about the fantastic last 2 weeks I'd had, about the excitement and emotion of finally seeing my daughter. About the day I spent with my friend who I'd bumped into last year for the first time in 25 years and how we had a great day, and he had me laughing until my sides hurt. All of this happened and was amazing but from Friday until Monday it was overcast with sadness.

    Easter Sunday would have been my husband's birthday. The fifth one since he passed away, so why did it feel like the first all over again?

    I really was the happiest I've been in a long time but waking up on Good Friday I felt as flat as a pancake. It's quite normal for me to feel off, in the build up to an anniversary, but I'd not felt this flat in a long time. I found myself withdrawing. I stopped interacting with my group and stopped responding to friends. I was irritable and also worried my dark depressive period I'd suffered from October till January was returning.

    I felt lost and a huge sense of sadness. I couldn't work out why the build up to this particular anniversary was hitting me harder than previously. Last year I was OK for his birthday. I was more than OK. Someone came to stay on that day for the first lockdown, so I was busy sorting and arranging the house. Easter fell later last year so by the time that came around I had company and was distracted. This year the birthday falling on Easter and being relatively alone hit me hard, a 16-year-old boy who is also grieving doesn't want to sit with his sad old mum, he wants to deal with things his way which is OK by me.

    All day Friday and Saturday I felt on the brink of tears. I tried everything to lift my mood. I practised the mindfulness that has been working well for me, I tried to read, I certainly didn't want to listen to music as I knew that would start me off crying if certain songs played. I went for walks but all I saw were happy families and couples holding hands, that made me feel even worse. Even when my mental health has been at its worst I can usually fake it and portray to the outside world I'm fine, but I couldn't find the energy to do that.

    Sunday came along and it was awful. I woke up crying. How bloody stupid! It's been 5 years since so why was I in this state. The more I cried, the more frustrated I got with myself. I had no motivation to do anything. My son had gone for a walk, he likes to act as if an anniversary is a normal day, so I was conscious of being upset in front of him. I did drag myself into the shower whilst he was out and just slumped to the floor in a ball and sobbed. The floodgates had opened and I couldn't stop. I knew I had to pull myself together for the sake of my son, so I got dried, put on some clothes but really couldn't face anything, so I climbed into bed. I must have cried myself to sleep. I woke up a couple of hours later feeling emotionally exhausted. I'd lost my appetite over the past couple of days and really couldn't stomach a meal. I cooked for my son crying the whole time. I hid away whilst he came down to eat, and when he went back up I came back down.

    I've been a member of a group for young widows and widowers for quite a while and know that it is usually a great place to get some support or advice. Sometimes just chatting to someone who has experienced something similar is such a help. I chatted to a lady who was 10 years older than me but who had lost her partner at the same age I had. She got me completely. She said she had found the anniversaries since lockdown particularly difficult even though she's happily remarried for the past 5 years. This helped me to feel 'normal' and to stop beating myself up.

    Grief is a peculiar thing. When Andy first passed away I was still trying to process his illness, but I went through the motions. I cried every morning on waking, on and off throughout the day and cried myself to sleep every night. There were many times I wished I wouldn't wake up, so I could be with him but knew I had to carry on as my kids needed me more than ever. Then after a few months I noticed I didn't wake up crying but then may do for another week or so. I laughed and felt guilty for doing so. Then I'd notice I didn't fall asleep crying and so on and so on until I realised it had been a week with no tears, then a month. Laughter comes easily and without guilt. Anniversaries come and go. The first ones are awful. The second ones are bad, the third a sadness. Each one becomes a little easier to live through. For the past 2 years I've been OK for most of the anniversaries except for the anniversary of his death last November when I was at a real low point and of course this weekend just gone.

    There is no instruction manual on how to grieve. There is no timescale for how long it will last. Everybody grieves differently there is no right or wrong. Grief for me is like the sea. Like a tide, grief ebbs and flows. You can go months with a calm still sea then suddenly without warning a wave of sadness can hit. It can last moments it can last days but with each wave you know it won't last forever. It will subside until the next storm, or until a pebble causes a ripple effect. For me grief is not like depression, with depression you have no idea when 'normality' will ever return. Depression becomes your normality. Grief is different, it's a process. It is painful at times, but I believe it is healthy to grieve. You can only grieve for something or someone you have loved and lost. People always say time is a great healer. I agree to a certain extent, as time goes on you learn to live without that person. You learn a new way of life. I'm learning that it's OK to still grieve and that some years may be different to others and that too is OK. The strangest of years we've all had combined with the anniversary of a loved one has just been harder than normal to get through but unlike those early days of grieving where you never think you'll smile again you learn that you will and the memories of the past will once again give you pleasure not pain.

    Today, apart from feeling unwell as a reaction to my COVID-19 jab 12 days ago, I'm OK. I have a temperature, ache all over, but the sadness has lifted (my lateral flow test was thankfully negative). I'm also prepared that future anniversaries will come and go without any sadness, but there could be that one in the future where it is difficult to get through and that is allowed. Grief is a perfectly normal part of life that I have to accept. I cannot control it. I just need to ride the waves when they appear and remember it does get easier again.


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    I Feel Like A Kid At Christmas!

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    I've written and re-written this so many times. Each time it just seems like a huge block of words on a page. Not because I'm sad, quite the opposite actually. I'm a bundle of excitement. I feel like a kid at Christmas and my brain is working faster than my pen so to speak, so words are just tumbling out at a rate of knots. I have so many exciting and happy things going on at the moment I feel like I'm going to burst. None of it is life changing, but I haven't been this excited about anything since the early months of 2020, and it feels good.

    I'm meeting up with a friend I've known since I was 7 and lost touch with. We met again through my group and have arranged to go for a walk on Wednesday. It'll be great to catch up on what's been going on in her life and chat about old times. I also have my jab booked for Thursday afternoon. After them trying for the past 2 weeks to send me to the Isle of Wight I've finally been booked into Guildhall Walk. Most people in my age group are not getting it yet which is why I can't have it locally, so I consider myself lucky as my children are both Type 1 diabetics and the letter of invitation states I'm a carer for a person who is vulnerable to Covid-19. However, I am needle phobic! The thought of the needle, not the vaccine, is already making me nervous. I know, I'm a wimp. The journey to get the jab will be a doddle, but I'm concerned about coming home. I faint every time I have an injection or blood taken so the thought of a bus, ferry and another bus on my own will be interesting. Possibly embarrassing but well worth it. My second jab is already booked for the 13th of June.

    This coming weekend is what has got me about ready to pop. I'm going to see my daughter. Apart from a brief moment at Christmas I have not spent anytime with her since her birthday at the end of October. We are meeting up for a drink in the garden rain or shine. I do not care if it is thundering, lightning or throwing it down with hailstones. The gazebo will be up and we are meeting.

    I'm also going for garden drinks with a guy who I have known for 34 years. He is a few years older than me and I had a huge schoolgirl crush on him. I was a first year, he was a fifth year, so he never knew, and I don't think he even realised I existed back then. We bumped into each other when we both worked for Butlins 25 years ago but hadn't seen one other until October last year, when I recognised him on my way home from work. After a hilarious chat on the train and ferry, we added each other as friends on Facebook and he has kept me entertained during this last lockdown with his wit and humour. It is going to be great to actually sit and interact with another adult human. 6 months alone with a teenage boy has been a challenge at times.

    Next week I go back to the office for 2 days and the plan at the moment is to do so on a weekly basis. Again I'm so looking forward to interacting with people. To see others without a mask on is going to be fantastic. I have missed seeing smiles and people's facial expressions.

    The therapy I have had for my self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth has been life changing. I've put some of the weight back on I'd lost at the end of last year, and I'm happy and comfortable with how I look. My parents had commented I had gotten too skinny, as did a couple of people who knew me that I'd bumped into on walks. I think they meant I looked unhealthy, but were too polite to say. On top of my own therapy the therapy sessions we've had in my group have been a massive help. We have covered confidence, trust and last week was boundaries. This week is creating your own reality. The feedback myself and Dawn the therapist have received is fantastic and everyone on these sessions has said how much they have got from it. For me personally I never really set boundaries. As a pleaser with confidence issues, I've never been comfortable verbalizing my boundaries or dealing with it, if I felt that they had been crossed. In the past I allowed 'friends' to treat me however they chose and just put up with it. I no longer have contact with two people I've known a long time as they crossed boundaries time and time again, but I let them. I always thought I would miss these people in my life but in the past 2 months since I last spoke to them, I can honestly say I have not at all. It's also given me a much clearer perspective of what and who I want in my life.

    My group is continuing to grow and now has over 600 members. Since I started it as a bit of a joke the day before New Year's Eve, I have been amazed at what has been achieved. I never imagined for one minute I could have created something that has helped so many people. I have already booked in to visit a few members who are scattered around the country and have a few from Australia and Canada who are booking a holiday to the UK for the get together once life has fully returned to normal.

    I feel like I did back in December 2019 when life for me was fun and exciting. Spring is officially here, the gardens are starting to come to life after a long tough Autumn/Winter, and that is exactly how I see my life at the moment.


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    Momentum!

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    That is the first month of the year done and dusted. I’ve made a good start to the year and am reasonably pleased with what I have achieved in January.

    At the start of the year I gave myself 10 targets to achieve to by the end of the year. Added to this are weekly and monthly targets to achieve. I feel I need to do this to keep my focus and stay on track with those 10 targets I have that are to improve mind, body and soul. Every day, I’m doing something that is working towards that improvement in mind, body and soul.

    I’m very mindful that a year ago I did dry January with an emphasis on improvement in many areas of my life. The following month or so the plan fell apart somewhat prior to the unforeseen lockdown – a year later, and I’m much wiser, much more driven, feeling mentally stronger and much more determined not to just achieve those 10 targets but to utterly obliterate them. I’ve not made those targets easy either, that would be lazy and a bit of a cop out. These are targets that push me every day and every week.

    So reflecting on January. I’ve made a good start, but I know I can do better, much better.

    In work, I’m striving for continuous improvement every day, I’m being a lot more subjective and critical about my input – what difference will it make, what impact will it have it and what I need to do to make it better. Forget that it looks good, what I want is that it looks exceptional.

    I’ve made a good start to working towards the qualification I’m currently studying for. My end of year appraisal was much better than I anticipated, as someone who doesn’t feel comfortable being complimented on what I have done well it did feel a bit cringy at times, but the feedback was good (especially from a 360 review from colleagues). I’ve identified a few areas I need to work on to improve.

    A few things happened in January that would usually have left me feeling a bit down, moody, negative and flat, but I didn’t let those things do it – I either worked through what the actual issue was and come to a workable solution, or I put them into perspective within the bigger picture.

    I can spend days without talking to anyone due to the lockdown. The solitude isn’t bothering me at all. I’m keeping myself focused and occupied. I’m reading a lot, in January I finished reading 7 books. I’m more mindful of my moods, more mindful of how positive 'me' achieves much, much more than negative 'me,' every day I’m working on this. Every day, I look at my targets and visualise how I will feel when each of these is achieved, I tell myself why I’m doing it and the long term benefits of why, how it factors into being a better version of myself. Every day when I look at those targets I tell myself I am accountable, and it is down to me and no one else to put the effort in.

    Training is going well. I’ve scheduled in 26 training sessions in January and completed them all. I know that I need that consistency and commitment if I’m going to achieve two of my goals this year – not being in the mood to train or rubbish weather is not an excuse for not training. No excuses and completing the sessions no matter how tough they are, ‘harder than you think, it’s a beautiful thing’ as Public Enemy said. My runs are now done early in the morning so that I know they are done, and it isn’t hanging over me for the rest of the day. On Saturday morning I completed the recent virtual challenge I had signed up for, pleased with that, but it is just a small stepping stone in the larger plan.

    My diet is improving each week, and I’m looking at what I’m eating and how it can improve my physical and mental health.

    January has been a good start, I put down a marker and nothing else, I need to continue to build on this. Build, complete, reflect, plan, build, reflect, develop, improve, push, deliver continuously.

    I consider myself as a person with limited talents and resources, but I’m starting to work on how I use these more and more to my advantage to realise my full potential. January set the momentum, nothing else, the momentum needs to be constant and continuous.


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    Those Dark Thoughts and Falling Backwards!

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    I actually feel like I am going crazy. Like I'm stuck in some sort of weird Sci Fi movie where my only contact with the outside world is through electronic means. Oh, wait it is!

    I've been keeping myself busy with work and my fb page and group, although I feel I am slipping further and further away from reality. I also feel like a huge fraud pretending to be happy and funny when in truth I feel dead inside. I've no passion or excitement about anything.

    I'm working from home again and whilst I loved it March through to September I am finding it a bore now. I love to talk to people, but nobody has anything to say unless it is around COVID-19 or the dullness of the weather and my patience has worn thin with discussing that. I struggle with my confidence and being an enforced recluse is causing me concern for the future and if I will struggle to engage with people when this is over.

    I'm not going to complain about all the materialistic or fun things everyone is missing out on, I can cope with that. What I am missing is proper conversation. The intelligent debate or banter. Me having an opinion and someone getting me to look at an alternative view. Someone to bounce ideas off. Without this I find I have too much time to think and that is when I struggle.

    As I said in my last post I don't want to think about how I'm feeling I need to keep that locked up at the moment. If I do, I worry about where it may lead me.

    I need to keep my brain active to stop me having those dark thoughts and falling backwards. I haven't watched TV in weeks as it's something I have never really enjoyed doing alone. That may sound strange to some. I'm struggling to read a book as my concentration seems to have disappeared, so consequently spending more and more time in front of the PC exchanging messages and comments with complete strangers. It's a quick hit to break the monotony and is all well and good, but I know it is not reality. Yesterday I switched my phone and PC off, determined to do something different. I cleaned my house then resorted to my bed at 3 in the afternoon feeling extremely low. I actually had a thought pop into my head, that if I slept long enough I'd wake up and this would all be over or again just not wake up. I know that is an incredibly selfish thought.

    My sleep pattern is erratic. Going to bed at 2am waking at 5am. Working for a bit, taking a nap. I've lost my appetite and apart from cooking for my son I really can not be bothered to eat myself. I feel exhausted through doing nothing physical, and I am finding this cycle hard to break.

    Like a lot of people I have not seen my parents or daughter for a while and for some strange reason when they call I sometimes find myself letting it go to voicemail. I then feel guilty as I miss them. I'm ignoring messages from friends, which is not at all like me and I feel I can't be bothered and again I feel bad.

    I keep telling myself that this is not forever, but I fear the damage it is causing maybe. There's the saying "The devil finds work for idle hands" for me it's my brain.