Countdown to 50!

Yesterday I was in a reflective mood, especially after the death of HRH Prince Philip. I have had time to think about the past and the future direction I want my life to take. When someone dies, in this case The Duke of Edinburgh, you are confronted by your own mortality and the reality is, I am not particularly happy reaching the milestone of fifty years old. I remember how traumatic it was, reaching forty, and I have very similar feelings today. This will also be the first year, I have celebrated a significant Birthday, without my partner by my side; this will be the most difficult of days and I would rather it wasn't happening at all!

It has been another difficult week in mine and Darrell's life, living apart, as we continue to grapple with partnership in a pandemic. We are trying to cover all possible scenarios as we near the end of his two years away from the UK. It is difficult to gage exactly what will happen when his Indefinite Leave to Remain visa has expired, but both of us have to think of the worst that can happen. Our situation isn't ideal, so as I approach my 50th year I am conscious of just how difficult life is at the moment.

Darrell and I have always celebrated our Birthdays to the fullest. For many years we would stage large parties and invite all our friends. In recent years however, especially during this pandemic, Birthdays have been rather low-key. I suppose I appreciate that, especially with Darrell being away from the UK; I am just not in the mood for celebrating, even if it is my fiftieth. Equally, reaching half a century is no mean feat. I never expected to reach this milestone; always living my life in the fast lane, experiencing everything I could, I fully expected to be dead long before now, but thus far it wasn't to be.

Recently I heard of the death of a friend from the 1990s, a carefree, happy time in my life; Peter Crossman sadly passed away after battling cancer. Peter was younger than I and I have some rather fond memories, spending time with him, during a period of discovery as I came to terms with my sexuality. Like me, Peter partied hard and enjoyed every moment of his youth. His death brought home, just how fragile all our lives are. I have experienced more deaths personally, than I care to remember and all of them young, from that 90s Generation X. These were the people I was proud to call friends and their lights will always burn brightly in my heart and in the hearts of all who knew them.

If I am truly honest, it has been a hard fifty years getting here. I never realised just how difficult my life would be and in many respects I feel old and worn out. Sick and tired of the continual battles I have to fight, I just want the next chapter to be a little more relaxing, without the stress and anxiety I feel every day. At fifty years old I should be winding down, thinking about taking a step back, but today I am working harder than I ever have, making up for the years of self-indulgence and excess; I really only have myself to blame.

Birthdays inevitably signal a time of contemplation. This year I shall be looking back towards happier times, remembering past celebrations. My current melancholic mood isn't lifting anytime soon, so anything that puts a smile on my face will help me prepare for reaching fifty years of age. I am mindful of the challenges ahead as we pass the first year of the COVID pandemic and Darrell and I try to steer our marriage from opposite sides of the World. At fifty, I have many ambitions still to fulfil and a life to live, after being on hold for far too long. I hope to spend May 9th 2021 quietly at home with family, gracefully surpassing middle age and looking forward to a productive future. The last year or so has been perplexing and bewildering, but it has given me time to realise just what is important to me now - Family, close friends, my husband Darrell and the happiness wisdom and experience brings!