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    Operation

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    Today I had to attend an appointment at Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth, in relation to several upper gastric issues I have been experiencing, over the last year or so. I have been waiting for this appointment for quite a while, long before the pandemic struck. Although apprehensive about going to the Hospital, I wore a suitable mask and socially distanced as much as I could, turning up just before my consultation time, waiting in an almost empty room for my name to be called. Unlike other experiences of standing in queues at hospitals and GP surgeries, this was relatively painless and went without a hitch.

    I was called into room 2 of the Surgical Outpatients Unit within ten minutes, and spoke to a Doctor Walters, who explained she wanted to discuss the possibility of having a gallbladder removal operation. After asking me about my ongoing abdominal symptoms, she gave me a thorough examination, looking at my stomach and commenting on the 'fine appendectomy scar' I had and how wonderful to see such a 'classic example,' explaining they aren't 'like they used to be.' Suitably impressed, she agreed the operation could be carried out, which should relieve much of the pain I have been experiencing.

    The heart attack symptoms, that encouraged me to phone an ambulance in May of this year, were caused by the gall bladder, expelling a gallstone through a connecting tube and into the bile duct. This is an occurrence that could happen again and could  cause symptoms of jaundice, sparking a medical emergency. It was important to remove the bladder as soon as possible, to avoid complications. Just removing the stones would not be possible, as they would just grow back within a matter of months. Clarifying it was perfectly possible to lead a normal life without a gallbladder, it seemed more than appropriate to agree to an operation.

    Of course, we are in the middle of a pandemic and it could take a while before this operation is carried out. Dr Walters explained that waiting times are a minimum of six months and even then it is dependent on the course the pandemic takes. She told me if things get back to normal relatively quickly, then it could happen earlier. She would also contact me if an appointment becomes available through cancellation and would endeavour to 'get things done,' as quick as possible. This was a great relief to hear; after suffering pain for quite some time now, I can only hope this is the beginning of the end of the constant discomfort.

    To all of you, who are scared about attending Hospital right now, I can only say, it is important you do so. Every precaution was taken to ensure all of us who were there were kept as safe as we possibly could be and seen as quickly as possible. Unlike pre COVID days, there was no waiting around for hours, there was an expeditious flow of patients, seen without fuss and agitation. This is the way the National Health Service should work, pandemic or not and is a lesson for the future.

    Thankfully I am now on a waiting list, even if it is for six months and hopefully by next summer I will be very much back to my old self. Until then, I hope there is no return of the worst features of this condition and my life can carry on without the need for another trip to A&E!
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    So Where Do I Begin?

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    Hello and thank you for taking the time to look at what I can only describe as my ramblings. Words straight from my head and my heart. Do they make sense? I'm not sure anything does any more.

    After many years of writing my feelings, thoughts and bad poetry in books, scraps of paper and my phone (that no one has ever seen and most have been destroyed), I've decided to have a go at writing for others to read. Maybe it will help me. Maybe it will help someone else.

    This is a huge step for me as I've always kept a lot of my 'true' feelings hidden from public view, possibly as I fear what others may think, fear it may hurt others feelings, but I have learnt this is detrimental to my own health and can leave me feeling very alone in a big scary world. Yet I still do it. Until today!

    I'm not quite brave enough yet to put a picture up or give my name. Maybe one-day. Baby steps.

    I consider myself a 'normal' woman (whatever normal is). I'm mid forties, widowed, hard-working and a mum to two amazing humans who blow me away with their courage and determination. I wish I had half of what they have. I'm nothing special. I have no talents, I am never going to change the world, I am just me!

    In the past I've suffered from depression and anxiety and again I'm finding life very tough as I know many others are in what can only be described as a year like no other. Over the years I've mastered the act of hiding how I feel. I put a smiley happy mask on and the world thinks I'm OK. A confident, strong woman who's faced life's battles and come through it. If only they knew the truth!

    I'm hoping that by writing this it will help me find a way through these dark times. I've had some very dark thoughts recently and I'm struggling to see a light at the end of a very long tunnel but I've been there before and survived. Surely I can do this again?

    So where do I begin? Well the start is usually a good place. For the first 13 years of my life I was pretty happy. Yes I got bullied at school for being abnormally tall, wearing glasses, having freckles but who wasn't? But maybe this set my path for the 7 years that followed. I still can't answer why I allowed those 7 years to happen but I did. The only plausible reason I can find is that I was just a kid. A kid with hopes and dreams. A kid who looked at the world as a romantic with an idealized view of reality, who saw the good in everything and everyone.

    I had a huge amount knocked out of me back then, both physically and emotionally but I survived. I've scars, some visible but most were hidden away. Locked up. (Not forgotten, just hidden, not thought about. Kept as a reminder. A warning). That was until recently. Now they are as raw as they were over 20 years ago. I can't see these ones. They are the ones that hurt the most. The ones that make me question myself and everyone else every day.

    The kid may have grown up. Replacing a romantic idealized view of reality with a hopeful realistic optimism which in the past few months has been taken away. Today I feel empty, numb. Trying to make sense of the past year. Trying to understand what the hell has happened. So many questions. Questions I know I will never get answers for.

    So what now? What does the future hold for me? I can't answer that I just need to get through today. What do I want? I want to get to a place where I can hope. Hope to live not exist. Hope to laugh not cry. Hope to move out from the dark fog that's blocked out my light. Hope that life returns to some semblance of 'normal' for all. Hope that once again I will find the courage and strength to move forward. To learn, to live, to love.


  • Published on

    The End of an Era!

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    To be honest, I've not had the best of weeks; these past seven days, the weather has been particularly awful and I've just felt like hibernating. I am an Anglophile through and through and love most things British, but the winter just gets me down. The cold and damp has always played havoc with my joints and I really have been experiencing a lot of rheumatic pain, something I avoided when living in Spain. If there was ever a reason to return to Iberia, this is the main one; if it wasn't for the pandemic, I would be on a plane right now, heading for the sun.

    I have been trying to catch up on some reading, a pleasure I just haven't had time for until recently. With a busy life, I just don't seem to be able to sit down and escape into a good book; lockdown II has changed all that. About three months ago I started to read 'Too Much and Never Enough' by Mary Trump. This book is written by Donald Trump's Niece and exposes the President for the narcissistic person he really is; it is an insight into the 'real' man who reached the highest office in The United States. This was the book that really began to open my eyes up, to what Donald Trump is really all about and it is a fascinating read.

    In the middle of the week we finally discovered who won the United States election; it was a relief to discover that Joe Biden would be the next President and the World would finally see the back of Donald Trump. The last four years have been traumatic, a disaster for the World; one man has single-handedly destroyed the reputation of a country and personally overseen the deaths of a quarter of a million Americans, in the midst of the biggest crisis to envelope the World in a hundred years.

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    Both Darrell and I have witnessed the like of Donald Trump before. Working for Oxfam taught us a great many lessons, about the terrible nature of sociopathic and narcissistic personalities. Both of us suffered for years at the hands of people, who only thought about themselves and couldn't care less whether we lived or died. I have written a lot about this subject and even gave evidence to the Oxfam inquiry, against people who had no place in normal society. I had my day, I was finally given a voice and I learnt to never  trust anyone again.

    The Trump Presidency has highlighted some truly terrible injustices and has given rise to bigotry, discrimination and legitimised racism and intolerance. I have felt a deep sense of sadness and upset at what civilisation has become; the rise of nationalistic hate and the lies' perpetuated by a man who was unfit to govern. Today I am living in a World I don't recognise and a period in time that has shamed us all. Those who have turned a blind eye to what has transpired, are responsible for the hate, acrimony and contempt, directed towards anyone who is different, to what others perceive as normal. This has not been a great time to be alive; I have wished to return to the old normal so many times; I miss my previous life, my husband and the dreams I had.

    The election of a new President should begin  a process of healing, not only for Americans, but for the rest of the World. It is true to say that the Trump era has caused me no end of stress, just because of who he is and what he stands for. I have always been an anxious person, but turning on a television set and watching a man, so animated with rage and anger, provoking the rest of us into reacting negatively, has been a tremendously debilitating and exhausting time; it has caused great damage to the psyche of any balanced, rational and sensible, level-headed person. Like most of us, I need a rest from all this disarray and time to recover from this lamentable chapter in history.

    I would like to congratulate the new President of the United States and wish him well in his new brief. Bringing America, indeed the rest of the planet back together again, after four years of hell isn't going to be easy. He has a Herculean task ahead of him, helping to pick up the pieces of a broken planet. The end of Presidents Trump's Presidency should be the beginning of hope and renewal; empowering a nation, where everyone feels included should be the first steps, at the start of a COVID free World. I am confident, that in time, all of us will conquer our demons, regain the empathy we lost and finally lay the 45th President of the United States to rest!
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  • Published on

    My Christmas Wish - Linda Nicholls!

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    This Christmas I'd love my family to be together but it can’t happen. So instead we’re going to fill our bungalow with Christmas decorations, ornaments and a Christmas tree, and just make it the best Christmas we can; making sure we have plenty of food and drinks. For 2021 I want this dreadful virus to be gone and everyone to be happy and healthy xx
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    My Christmas Wish - Michele Stokes

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    We all have had the most awful year one way and another; not just us not being able to see loved ones near and far; people have lost family and friends to this awful virus, what everyone needs now is to be together - I wish this now! Being totally selfish I wish we could have our daughter Nia home with us for Christmas, to hold and be able to spend precious time with. Wishing everyone a very Happy Christmas, let us make the most of what we have at the moment!
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    My Christmas Wish - Bethany Revill!

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    My dream for Christmas 2021 and the world, and I know it’s cheesy but, it’s to be able to actually spend time with friends and family! I was due to get married this month and all excitement until recently had been taken away by this dreadful virus. I’d love to be able to spend Christmas with my family and just want that to be the same for others.

    Mental health has taken such a bad turn due to this virus, with people being isolated and I just want for everyone to be happy. I know this isn’t going to be the case, but I feel if we all have a bit of cheer and do the best we can then the world will be a better place xxx

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