It’s been a while since I last wrote, I’ve been busy with work, doing christmassy bits but mainly spending time alone learning to love myself.
So, as we all know, yesterday was the big Christmas Day! There is such a build up, such hype around that one day, those fast 24 hours which speed by. Before you know it, it’s 11pm, you’re knackered, drunk and ready for bed.
Christmas has been a funny one for me this year, spending time with my family has been so so lovely. I adore being around my family and being in Weymouth! However, I have spent a lot of the last few days feeling overwhelmingly lonely. Being surrounded by couples is really difficult when all I want is to be snuggled up on the sofa with a lovely young man. Rosie just doesn’t buy me the presents I think I deserve!
Christmas is also a funny time as I, and I know many others do, spend alot of time thinking of those who are no longer with us. My 2 Nannas are always so so missed from the table, the Christmas jokes being repeated as Nanna would have done.
I also spend a lot of time thinking of my friends who have lost parents, brothers, sisters, aunties, pets, the list goes on. Life is tough at Christmas when all you want is to celebrate with that person that is missing.
So, I would like to wish you all a very, very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year. May 2019 be full of positivity and new experiences. The year I turn 30, the year I learn who ‘Claire’ truly is.
Enjoy time with your loved ones and be positively Merry xxx
Hope you’re having a good week!
So today is all about girls… girl power, independent women, sisters doing it for themselves! Don’t get me wrong, this is not a feminist post!
I am just a HUGE, firm believer in girls sticking together as girls. I’ve experienced A LOT of bitchiness aimed at me throughout my life and I really really do not take it well. I beat myself up, wonder why these girls don’t like me. I then spend hours on end replaying what I heard or saw and dissecting it in my head.
I must say now, I am in no way an angel here, I have definitely bitched about people in my life and I have said some horrible things which I have really beat myself up about after.
My point in this blog is, girls, let’s just be fu**ing nice. If someone’s hair looks great in their photo, tell them. If someone is going on holiday, tell them to have a great time. If someone is having a hard time, check in on them.
I’ve never been a huge girlfriend kinda person, I’ve always got on with guys as the bitchiness is very minimal. I do, however, have very few, very close girlfriends who I would do absolutely anything for.
So girls, let’s start being great people, let’s start complimenting randomly, looking after each other and thinking before saying that comment that could potentially really bloody upset someone.
Firstly… it’s been nearly 2 weeks but I’ve had such a hard week that I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything.
Secondly… I think this is going to be one of the hardest blogs I’ll write so please bear with.
So every one has a way of releasing their anger/fear/sadness/depression/anxiety.. whatever it may be, everyone expresses their emotions in different ways. One thing I wouldn’t say I’m ashamed of but more frustrated by is how easily I cry. Whether it be happy tears, sad tears, frustrated or angry tears, they always come thick and fast. When I’m having a particularly bad spell, I question how on earth I haven’t ran out of tears.
The beginning of this week was SO hard for me, I had just got back from an amazing weekend with my family and had to come back to a very empty and quiet flat with no company. I spent the whole of Sunday evening crying into my dinner… spent a lot of Monday crying at work. I dropped my lunch on the floor and burst into sobbing, ugly floods of tears.
Anyway… this is one of my releases, crying does help me… it gets that build up out of me. Others may judge and think “Jesus she cries a lot”… Others may even envy the fact that I CAN cry.
But in the past I’ve had another way of releasing. I first self harmed when I was about 20 years old, I remember it like it was yesterday and remember the reaction of the person I told. Pure disgust.
I didn’t do it again for a few years as I felt disgusting that I had done that to myself. But… I did it again, and again… and again. I used to be ashamed of the scars on my arm, hide them under sleeves or anything that I could so people wouldn’t judge me. The same with the scars on my legs, will people see them when I go swimming? Will my boyfriend’s think I’m disgusting?
Through my counselling, I have learned to never, EVER be ashamed of scars. If anyone ever asks me what they are, I will explain. And if anything, I would urge people to ask me.
Self harming has created this release so strong over the years for me. It gives me something physical to focus on when my head is in such a bad, dark place.
I haven’t self harmed for a while now and feel proud with every day that I don’t do it.
I know a lot of my friends have done this before and still do it and they should never be ashamed of that, however I will strongly urge them to find a better release or a better distraction in those times.
I find now when I’m in that place that going for a walk with Rosie, doing some colouring, reading my book… all these pull me away from the urge.
To all those reading this, if you ever have the urge to do something like this, please message me/friends/family/call the Samaritans… there are better ways to release.
So, after writing my first blog, I woke up the next day feeling sick and full of regret.
There were certain “Friends” that haven’t spoken to me about it, mentioned it, commented on it or generally cared.
So, a “normal” person would say, who cares… look how many people DO care. I had about 30 messages over night from various different people, congratulating me, telling me their stories etc etc. But still, the first thought is.. what about the others.
Something that has been a huge huge part of my life, more so in the last year is how frequently friends come and go as you get older.
Finding myself nearly 30 and newly single, I realised how much I needed my friends. I felt my self looking around and seeing that people that were a huge part of my life last year are now No where to be seen.
I remember my mum telling me a few years ago that as I get older, I will lose a lot of friends but the friends I keep will be for life.
What I find really hard is the fact that I have some wonderful friends who have always been incredible to me, however I still find myself “mourning” over the loss of the old friends, especially when they walked out of my life completely randomly and for what feels like no reason.
I know I need to pick myself up and treasure those that ARE still around and not forgetting the new friends I’ve made along the way. So here is to doing exactly that… to my TRUE friends… Thank you xxx