Hope you’re having a good week!
So today is all about girls… girl power, independent women, sisters doing it for themselves! Don’t get me wrong, this is not a feminist post!
I am just a HUGE, firm believer in girls sticking together as girls. I’ve experienced A LOT of bitchiness aimed at me throughout my life and I really really do not take it well. I beat myself up, wonder why these girls don’t like me. I then spend hours on end replaying what I heard or saw and dissecting it in my head.
I must say now, I am in no way an angel here, I have definitely bitched about people in my life and I have said some horrible things which I have really beat myself up about after.
My point in this blog is, girls, let’s just be fu**ing nice. If someone’s hair looks great in their photo, tell them. If someone is going on holiday, tell them to have a great time. If someone is having a hard time, check in on them.
I’ve never been a huge girlfriend kinda person, I’ve always got on with guys as the bitchiness is very minimal. I do, however, have very few, very close girlfriends who I would do absolutely anything for.
So girls, let’s start being great people, let’s start complimenting randomly, looking after each other and thinking before saying that comment that could potentially really bloody upset someone.
The title says it all…. what a bloody week. Where do I even begin?
Saturday I went to visit my cousin and her family for the night in Newbury… driving there and I crash my car into a massive kerb doing about 60mph (on an A road!) Longest, most boring story short, I have no locking wheel nut key so 10 days later I still have my spare on my car and still have a puncture in my back tyre.
I then go to pay my deposit for my 30th birthday party on Sunday, turn up and am told “we don’t do Friday bookings”… after confirming THREE TIMES on an email that Friday 22nd February is good for them. (Side note, don’t book with Oasis bar Southampton.)
I like to think I’m learning how to deal with stress in my life in better ways, but Jesus Christ this week has just about tipped me over the edge.
One of the worst things I struggle with is not having a plan… I need to know that this is going to be done on this day and that will be done then. If I don’t have this, I break. And boy did I break this week, there have been tears (a lot of tears) and angry words (a lot of those too.)
The car issue still isn’t sorted.. I’m booked in to 2 different garages over 2 different days this week and have to fork out over £250.. I’m still waiting for something else to go wrong!
My absolute saviours this week (including a lot of other people) have been my Mum, Dad, brother Ollie and his girlfriend Abbie. I genuinely couldn’t have done this week without them, so, thank you guys so much.
I’m hoping and praying for a new positive week next week, I have so much to look forward to in the next few weeks so someone please have a word with the man upstairs to give me a break… Thank you!
So that was the original post, I published this last night and deleted it after about 20 minutes as I felt that ‘no one cares about your moany week.’ But what I wanted to show was that I was proud of how SO MUCH has gone wrong in the last 3 month’s yet I’m still here and I haven’t done anything I could potentially regret.
Side note… I just stood in dog poo… don’t write and walk kids.
Firstly… it’s been nearly 2 weeks but I’ve had such a hard week that I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything.
Secondly… I think this is going to be one of the hardest blogs I’ll write so please bear with.
So every one has a way of releasing their anger/fear/sadness/depression/anxiety.. whatever it may be, everyone expresses their emotions in different ways. One thing I wouldn’t say I’m ashamed of but more frustrated by is how easily I cry. Whether it be happy tears, sad tears, frustrated or angry tears, they always come thick and fast. When I’m having a particularly bad spell, I question how on earth I haven’t ran out of tears.
The beginning of this week was SO hard for me, I had just got back from an amazing weekend with my family and had to come back to a very empty and quiet flat with no company. I spent the whole of Sunday evening crying into my dinner… spent a lot of Monday crying at work. I dropped my lunch on the floor and burst into sobbing, ugly floods of tears.
Anyway… this is one of my releases, crying does help me… it gets that build up out of me. Others may judge and think “Jesus she cries a lot”… Others may even envy the fact that I CAN cry.
But in the past I’ve had another way of releasing. I first self harmed when I was about 20 years old, I remember it like it was yesterday and remember the reaction of the person I told. Pure disgust.
I didn’t do it again for a few years as I felt disgusting that I had done that to myself. But… I did it again, and again… and again. I used to be ashamed of the scars on my arm, hide them under sleeves or anything that I could so people wouldn’t judge me. The same with the scars on my legs, will people see them when I go swimming? Will my boyfriend’s think I’m disgusting?
Through my counselling, I have learned to never, EVER be ashamed of scars. If anyone ever asks me what they are, I will explain. And if anything, I would urge people to ask me.
Self harming has created this release so strong over the years for me. It gives me something physical to focus on when my head is in such a bad, dark place.
I haven’t self harmed for a while now and feel proud with every day that I don’t do it.
I know a lot of my friends have done this before and still do it and they should never be ashamed of that, however I will strongly urge them to find a better release or a better distraction in those times.
I find now when I’m in that place that going for a walk with Rosie, doing some colouring, reading my book… all these pull me away from the urge.
To all those reading this, if you ever have the urge to do something like this, please message me/friends/family/call the Samaritans… there are better ways to release.