It’s been a while since I last wrote, I’ve been busy with work, doing christmassy bits but mainly spending time alone learning to love myself.
So, as we all know, yesterday was the big Christmas Day! There is such a build up, such hype around that one day, those fast 24 hours which speed by. Before you know it, it’s 11pm, you’re knackered, drunk and ready for bed.
Christmas has been a funny one for me this year, spending time with my family has been so so lovely. I adore being around my family and being in Weymouth! However, I have spent a lot of the last few days feeling overwhelmingly lonely. Being surrounded by couples is really difficult when all I want is to be snuggled up on the sofa with a lovely young man. Rosie just doesn’t buy me the presents I think I deserve!
Christmas is also a funny time as I, and I know many others do, spend alot of time thinking of those who are no longer with us. My 2 Nannas are always so so missed from the table, the Christmas jokes being repeated as Nanna would have done.
I also spend a lot of time thinking of my friends who have lost parents, brothers, sisters, aunties, pets, the list goes on. Life is tough at Christmas when all you want is to celebrate with that person that is missing.
So, I would like to wish you all a very, very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year. May 2019 be full of positivity and new experiences. The year I turn 30, the year I learn who ‘Claire’ truly is.
Enjoy time with your loved ones and be positively Merry xxx
I’ve had the best weekend, spent Saturday with various different friends and had a great night. Sunday spent with my best friend and her amazing family. I then went to watch Jess Glynne with my Mummy in Bournemouth and had the loveliest evening. All in all, a bloody great time!
So I feel like I want to talk a bit about my past, explain a little bit why I am me and why I have these insecurities and “issues”.
Let’s go back to when I was a cute, little innocent child. I was age 11 when my parents got a divorce.. it was a difficult time to say the least. Long story short, me and my biological father (who we will refer to as Pete) were SO SO CLOSE. I went to live with him for a year or so in his little studio flat and spent a lot of time with him. Great times.
Fast forward a few years… I’m 16… a MASSIVE chav (n wot) and still loving life. Pete suddenly stops talking to me, cuts all ties, capeesh. Why, you ask? Who… bloody… knows. He stayed in touch with my brothers and made a point of messaging them to say how much he missed them and loved them.
Anyway, no more gory details, but since then, I have struggled immensely to believe that any man wants to stay in my life and wants to stick around because, the main man in my life walked away and left me.
In that time, Pud came along (my amazing new Daddy.) Pud has been incredible, he’s bought me up as his own and looked after me in those awful days when I’ve needed him. And for that, I thank you so so much Andy.
However, I’ve still been deserted by one of the most important men in my life.
Pete still lives 5 minutes down the road, I saw him about 4 months ago and he looked at me and continued walking, completely blanking me. That hurts… I had such an amazing relationship with that man and he woke up one day and decided he didn’t need or want me anymore.
If for any reason Pete reads this, I would love him to know, I’m proud. I’m so proud of what I’ve done without him. I’m still alive, I’m happy, and I’m proud.
So… I hope that explains my insecurities.. mainly based around men. But ultimately resulting in me having absolutely no self confidence and believing I’m just not worth anyone sticking around for.