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    Bread and All Its Terror!

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    This is a little more painful to write about; fast forward one more year. I am now a third year senior at Fareham Park Comprehensive School, which now has some newer buildings. The dance and drama studio is built. The music rooms are ready to go. The gym is built. We have an all weather pitch, a track, tennis courts and many more facilities for physical education. We have a building for art, woodwork, metal work, sewing and home economics. A far cry from the one building and a couple of modular classrooms that we had two years earlier.

    Now that we have a home economics room, we have cooking on the schedule. This is definitely not fun for me.

    The time that stands out most is the day that we made bread. I have little recall of anything else so I assume this is the one time that we cooked and the rest was book work, but I could be very wrong there.

    A prelude to the bread story are the images of crowded hallways and stairwells where all the students of the school were changing classrooms, using the toilets, getting stuff out of their lockers. The stairs in particular were a source of consternation. Those girls would wait for me at the top of the stairs, As soon as I started on my way down, they would home in behind me and start to push me down, all the time laughing their heads off. It was hard to keep upright and not slip. I hated it. I had no idea what to do to help myself and to get out of the situation. It may only seem like a little thing, but I felt helpless. There were no teachers around.
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    These girls were in my tutor group and they were also in my cooking class. Cooking became a big nightmare. There the girls would use wooden spoons to hit me when the teacher wasn’t around. They would laugh in a mocking way. Any type of reaction exasperated the issue. I felt stymied; powerless. So it was in this atmosphere that we had to make bread.
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    There are just a few things that I remember about this bread-making activity. I remember the mixing bowl. I remember the yeast. This wasn’t dry yeast. This was fresh yeast. I remember that it looked dark and grey and pretty gross. We had to add it to our flour and use our hands to mix the dough mixture together. Then we had to knead it until the yeast was all absorbed.

    As I write this with an adult's perspective, something feels off about that yeast. So I read around and now understand that fresh yeast should look firm and moist, cream-colored and cool to the touch. If it is crumbly, dryish and dark in places it is stale. Apparently to use it, it must be added to liquid and mixed into the dough straight away. Here is what I also found on the internet concerning fresh yeast and the processes to activate it:

    https://m.wikihow.com/Activate-Fresh-Yeast

    In this article it demonstrated that yeast needs to be broken up into smaller parts. I was told to put my yeast and water straight into the bowl. I don’t remember it frothing up. The teacher was hurrying us along. I was taking longer than the others - not a natural cook, I’m afraid. I was kneading away. The yeast was not becoming absorbed into the dough.

    I think the teacher was pretty frustrated with me. She didn't listen to my explanation that the yeast was not amalgamating with the dough but she did come and help knead the dough and got it into the pan.

    At last the lesson was over. What a relief. My bread looked really pretty. Despite the events of the day and the ongoing bullying, I was pretty chuffed with my cooking success.

    At home, I was so excited as we were going to eat it as an accompaniment to our dinner that evening. I eagerly watched as my mum cut into the loaf.
    “Eww! Yuck!” My Mum exclaimed as she cut the loaf in half.
    My heart sank. “What’s wrong?” I mumbled.
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    “Look!” She said. She turned around from the kitchen cabinet where she was cutting, holding the two halves of the bread in her hands. I looked. Inside each half of the loaf there sat a dark gray piece of yeast. My mum started to laugh. I let her know how I had trouble mixing that yeast into the dough and how the teacher had helped me. I then laughed with my mum although my insides were empty.

    When I could, I left the room and went upstairs to my bedroom where I closed the door and cried.

    My daughter is a master bread maker. She makes the most gorgeous and succulent bread. Her favourite receipe is found at:

    https://weareeating.blogspot.com/2008/01/whole-wheat-bread.html?m=0

    Here is the receipe that my friend gave me a few years back. I usually use this one when I make bread now:
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    Bread

    Ingredients:
    10 cups whole white wheat flour;
    2/3 cup honey;
    6 cups of water;
    2 tbsp yeast (dried!);
    2 tbsp salt:
    3/4 cup oil;
    2-3 tsp gluten;
    2 tsp lecithin.
    Optional: 1/2 to 1 cup ground flax seed substituted for 1 cup whole wheat flour.
    Method:
    I usually use a bread maker these days. I adapt the quantities of the ingredients accordingly (I do like to add the ground flax also) and follow the instructions of my bread maker.

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    Rab's World!

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    "Is awake and has coffee; it is now safe to talk to me!"
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    Memory Joggers!

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    It's been a funny old day today. I have been going through old memories yet again, throwing away documents I have had lying around for years. I came across the old deeds for our house in France, the one we bought seventeen years ago. Of course we sold the property, along with the others we owned a long time ago.

    whilst rifling through memories I was transported back to very different times; for the most part better and happier days, during a period when Darrell and I were doing remarkably well. Of course life takes many different paths and our time together has been somewhat adventurous; as many ups than downs; all part of the course when you are in a relationship such as ours. To be honest we have done so much in our life, that there hasn't really been a time we have stood still for more than five minutes, let alone settle down for a while. As people we have always liked to experience new things, one of the reasons we moved to Spain, yet there still seems to be something missing, something I can't quite put my finger on.

    When I look at my family, Mother and Father in particular, I am reminded just how far they came in life. They told me much about growing up just after the Second World War; the 'Baby Boomer' generation. Like most people at the time, they struggled; there was very little money around and they fought hard to keep their heads above water. Today, despite the setbacks, Mum and Dad are very happy with their life, retired at 70 years old, enjoying the fruits of their labours. The thing is, Mother and Father never left the UK, never went on a holiday and never saw the World; very different to the life I have had.

    I never used to understand why they chose to remain a part of the small village community and not widen their horizons, but then I never really understood the true meaning of contentment. I have always had a restless mind, wanting to achieve everything at once, all or nothing and no going back; as my old college lecturer said to me, I had a rather 'Do or die' attitude to life. Well yes I suppose I did, but things have changed and I finally want what my parents have; security, family, familiarity and a sense of well-being, something I don't have at the moment. Today I feel a little bit lost, it's true and I am trying to find the correct path to navigate, to restore my self worth, something I lost many years ago.

    I do have many wonderful memories and of course share as many of them with you, my readers as I can. When you have lived the life we have, it is good to communicate your experiences to a wider audience. Actually since I began blogging three years ago, I have enjoyed reminiscing with family and friends, reliving the odd recollection I had forgotten about and putting pen to paper analysing just what was going on in my life at the time. This has been a life enhancing process and has allowed me to grow as a person, whilst remembering things I had forgotten long ago.

    As I went through some old letters today, I came across one describing events before Darrell and I got together, in 1992, during my years at University. My ex-partner and I had travelled to London for the weekend, to help celebrate a friends Birthday. While we were away the decorators were in artexing the ceiling in our new flat. On our return, we were left aghast, at the mess that was left behind, plaster everywhere, on new furniture and carpets; safe to say, neither of us were very happy. Without this written account, I wouldn't have remembered the incident. As I read the account, I was transported back to the early 90s, where more and more memories came flooding back; a comforting journey I needed right now!

    I was a terrible hoarder in the past, having many collections of everything you can imagine. The biggest advantage to my 'squirreling' nature, is the cache of documents, cards, letters and photo's I have also amassed. These are the 'memory joggers,' the links to the past that I need to hold on to, in order to move forwards in life. I have enjoyed clearing away the cobwebs; my mind feels unclouded; my past is more relevant now than it ever was!
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    Full Circle - Farewell to Mollie and Wildling!

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    Stressed would be an understatement; I haven't stopped worrying about this move; needless to say, my blood pressure is sky high. What many people don't understand is we have been here before. I have moved abroad on two separate occasions, returning to the UK each time. The reality of our situation is, we will both be turning up, very much in the same way we did in 1995 and 1998. I don't enjoy moving around like this, far from it, I am a homebody as a rule and not the Worlds best traveller. However, I am a lot older than 24 years old now, when I first set foot on foreign soil; I am strongly of the view, that I will appreciate it a lot more than I once did.

    In 2015 we left the UK, for a new life in Gran Alacant; this was a move that caused a massive amount of anxiety and stress for both of us. We had lived in Britain for over twenty years and it was hard saying goodbye to a country we loved; well I loved far more than Darrell if I am honest. Although Darrell settled in to British life well, he never fully enjoyed his experience, especially living in such a cold climate. Coming to Spain was getting away from difficult times, a stop gap if you like, before moving on again at some stage; neither of us believed it would be so soon after moving here.

    As readers of this blog know, a series of unfortunate events have together made us realise, that we have to return home sooner rather than later. Darrell's Mother is suffering from cancer and is not in a great way at the moment; we think it's only right and fair to be with her at this distressing time. Darrell is an only child; his Mother is very much on her own. Once again we are both going through testing times; we need to not only restart our life, but also begin again, without a thing in the World. This is a radical clearing out; we will be left with just memories; not a bad thing, we don't need to have so much baggage!

    The last few days have been brutally testing, throwing away precious items; mainly mine it has to be said; that have been carried around with me for many years.  We have argued more than ever, become angry over the slightest hicup and feel emotionally drained, I have moved around so much in my lifetime, I really just want to settle down finally.

    I have been busy selling what objects I can on the 'Buy and Sell Gran Alacant' facebook page. Thankfully I have managed to offload quite a few. This is a much easier task, than it was, living in Southampton, I don't have the same level of emotional attachment to things now. The only things that are important are photographs and memories; we both need to move forwards, far away from the places we used to call home. For most people Expat life is a dream, for us it is born from a nightmare and will hopefully be our saving grace; if not we move on again!. 

    I wanted to say a particular thank you to Rob, Pam from Zests husband, who has been round today helping me clear items and purchasing some for himself. I think he was amazed by the amount of stuff we still have; if he had seen us in Southampton before we came here, he would have been in shock. As I sit here typing away, looking around this emptying room, I am still amazed at the stuff I still have left; I really was a collector in every sense of the word. Today is the start of something new; something that doesn't involve collecting and weighing myself down....Actually it is quite liberating throwing everything away. Today all my my suits, ties and dress shirts headed to the bin; I'm certainly not going to need them anymore!
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    4 April 2018

    Today we said farewell to Mollie and Wildling, the two kittens we fostered last year. This was another hard decision we had to make, for the advancement of all of those concerned. When you decide to make such a large move, you have to assess what to do with everything you had in your life; pets are also a priority; we had to weigh up what was best for these two little characters, who had become such a force for good. On the day our cat Precious died a year ago, when I had to make the terrible decision to put her to sleep, I also had to let our latest editions go, not to kitty heaven, but to a new home with friends in Murcia.

    Kayleigh, a lady I used to work with at the Princess Astorias School in Elche and her husband Neil agreed to take these two gorgeous cats on. This was a life line for both of us. We were going to take them to the UK and let them stay with a friend Melissa in Hythe, but soon realised how impractical this course of action would be. We don't have a lot of money and sadly the cost of the journey across Europe was rapidly spiraling. It would have cost at least 1000€ to get them over the channel, money we just don't have.

    Of course ideally we would have loved to have taken both Mollie and Wildling with us, but at a cost of 2000€ we didn't have a hope in hell of doing it. In the end we did what we had to do, to keep these kittens together. They are brother and sister and need one another. If Kayleigh couldn't have taken them both, we would have done our best to resettle them with Melissa in Britain.

    I would personally like to thank Melissa for her kind offer of a home; I know the cats would have been happy there. In another life we would have done what we could. There is nothing normal about our current situation, just as there wasn't three years ago; once again the decision we made had to be about practicality as well as doing the right thing. A big thank you to Kayleigh and family for giving Mollie and Wildling the new start they need. 

    I am going to miss both these kittens terribly. We had all bonded as a family. Mollie would insist on coming into the bathroom with me every morning, playing with the water in the bath with her paws, even sat on my knee, while I tried to soak. Mollie was the feisty one, who was never afraid of anything, a true spirited girl. Wildling was far more reserved and really rather loving, headbutting my legs from the moment I got out of bed in the morning. He had a high pitched squeal and would often sit on his box by the window chattering to himself.

    They were inseperable; Mollie suckling on Wildling's neck constantly; taken away from their Mother far too young. I know they will grow into a pair of gorgeous cats, but am feeling sad that I am unable to see it happen. They both came into our life at a very upsetting time. Having lost our first cat Precious a few months before, our older rescue cat Lily was gravely ill; she died a few months after Mollie and Wildling came to us. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have got over what happened; they were the light that shined brightly, when Lily's flame went out. We never thought we would love another animal again when she died, but on the day we let them go, we were very much smitten!

    5 April 2018


    I had a terrible nights sleep last night, thinking constantly about our two feline friends. Both Darrell and I feel so guilty about what we have done. We have never given away a pet in our life together. We are feeling particularly down, after forming a close bond with Mollie and Wildling and the reality is, it has put us off having anymore animals in the future. They didn't ask to be given away and loved unconditionally, as all animals do. They were a big part of our life and have left a void, large enough to fill a cattery. Wounds do heal in time; but with the difficulties of our current situation, we are mindful it isn't going to be a quick process.

    Big hugs to you both, Darrell and I will always miss you. I hope you both have a happy and fulfilled life, as I know you will with Kayleigh; I couldn't think of a better Mum!
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    Another Year Older!

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    Yesterday I reached another milestone, the gran old age of 47; not the happiest time of year for me; however Birthday's are an inevitable part of life. To be honest, as soon as I reached the age of 30, I never really enjoyed Birthdays as much as I used to. When I look at facebook and other social media, I am a little jealous, observing friends and family enjoying themselves, as they celebrate the day they were born, but I remain a realist; A Birthday celebration just equates to being another year older and that much closer to death. Gosh, that does sound a little miserable doesn't it, but it's the way I feel. In my humble opinion I have very little to celebrate and just want the 9th May to pass by quickly, without fanfare!

    Of course that wasn't always the way. I have had some fantastic Birthdays in the past, always in fancy dress, surrounded by wonderful friends and family, something I don't necessarily have over here. I do miss the UK, specifically for the people I left behind, they were always a great source of inspiration, especially at times when one was feeling low, anxious or a little run down. Sadly in Spain we don't have the same support network and we have been very much on our own since moving here. I suppose as I have got older, I have realised I need certain individuals in my life and am reaching out to those I regard as important more and more.

    I miss being surrounded by people; we used to have lots of friends coming and going all the time. Our house was always full to the rafters, there was never a moments peace, but looking back on those days now, I thoroughly enjoyed the company. Believe it or not, I am not the anti social old man I have become, I am actually a people person, who enjoys the closeness of others. My life has become somewhat lifeless, for want of a better word.

    Of course, part of the problem is me, without a doubt, but having to live a hand to mouth existence has also taken its toll. In truth I have never really had the resources to live the life I want in Spain. I don't think I have struggled this much EVER. When I look at the youngsters round here, out every night, drinking and partying, I am a bit jealous, but then something drags me back to reality and I just continue living the frugal life I have. Someone did say to me the other day, that it was about time I lived a more sustainable lifestyle anyway and I tend to agree. As a race of people we are all far too wasteful and I have had a lot of growing up to do.

    For now both our lives are far better in Spain than they were in the UK, despite the hurdles we have to cross. As a couple we have always managed to navigate the problems of a difficult relationship, rarely apart in twenty three years. We have of course come close to living separately, but at least now we are able to remain together as a couple, which hasn't always been the case. The more we have struggled in life, the more we have fought....WE HAVEN'T LOST A BATTLE YET!

    My 47th Birthday has given me much to think about; I have been in reflective mood, recalling Birthday's past, people, family and the life I once had. I have also been looking forward to the future and understand we live in difficult times; only we can make things happen, it's up to us to change, because the World isn't going to adjust for us. With your support and words of encouragement, we will always come out on top! Thank you to everyone for all your Birthday messages, they have most certainly put a smile on my face!
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    Rab's World!

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    "We are the authors of our own lives, unfortunately we are writing in pen!"
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