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    Echocardiagram Results!

    Well this has genuinely been the month from hell, and even though I am still suffering from an ongoing infection, I am at least at the end of the 'heart saga', that has been plaguing me in recent weeks. As readers of my blog know, over the last fortnight, I have undergone a series of tests, after ending up in the ED here in Australia for unexplained chest pain. While seeing a consultant in the Cardiological Department at Midland Hospital, I was informed that they had discovered a Systolic Grade II Ejection Murmur. They told me, in no uncertain terms, that it could be of concern and I had to follow up with my Doctor as soon as possible — which I duly did!

    The one aspect of Australia that I like, is the health care this country provides. Yes it does cost a lot of money for patients like me, compared to The UK, but the reality is, it is worth it. I have built up a good relationship with my GP, who understands me more than most. He is aware of how hyperaware of my health and body I am, and will always advise in the best way possible — not always the way I would want, I have to say.

    After referring me for an Echocardiogram at a private clinic in Joondalup, he told me to get it done as soon as possible, so he could give me the go ahead to go on holiday next month. Without the results, it would have been very difficult for me to travel abroad, especially without the express permission of my GP. Thankfully in Australia, I didn't have to wait long for a private appointment and it was done and dusted in a few days, rather than waiting a month for a bulk billed test.

    This week I had a follow-up appointment with my Doctor, after an anxiety inducing seven days wait. I was very nearly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Over the last few months I have suffered with penicillin resistant staph infections, a cancer scare and heart problems — my body really wasn't up to taking much more! However, I plucked up the courage once again and headed to my surgery for the results.

    Sitting there waiting to be seen, I was exhausted and full of emotion. I was absolutely sure the murmur they found was serious. In my head I planned for a future of operations, medication and constant trips to the specialist. With all these dark thoughts going on in my head, by the time my Dr called me in, I was a mess!

    Sat in his office, I immediately asked him how bad it was. He took one look at me and said, 'it isn't bad at all, in fact the complete opposite'. I do have a murmur yes, but it has likely been there for many years, and is caused by regurgitation, which is quite common and normal for a man of my age. I also have a leaky heart valve and a few other minor issues — nothing sinister, nothing bad, just all part of growing old.

    Shockingly, there was an upside to all this. The treadmill stress test that I had to undergo highlighted my current level of fitness. In the consultants words, I was fitter than most 55-year-old men, achieving 13 MET's in my test. Now, I really don't know what that means fully, but I am reliably informed I am at the higher end of physical fitness for a man of my age. My heart health is firmly in the excellent category on the Bruce Scale, which is used to measure just how fit a person's heart is. 

    I don't mind telling you how shocked I was; I have evolved from a smoking, drinking obese man, to a fit, healthy 55-year-old in optimal health — I couldn't have been happier. My week of anxiety had changed into a week of positive vibes and good thoughts. I don't think I can ever describe the elation you feel, when you are told you are fit and well and more importantly, do not need medication or any form of follow up with the hospital. 

    After losing 30kg in weight, I have finally been vindicated. To everyone who told me to slow down, I was too thin and gaunt, I can say, you were wrong. This is how I should be, this is what being healthy is all about, and I am bloody proud of myself for the achievements I have under my belt and looking forward to a productive future ahead.

    In the words of the Cardiologist who conducted the tests last week, things could have been very different if I hadn't changed my life. Instead today, I am looking at a future I never really believed I had, and I am emboldened to do even more in the pursuit of physical fitness and looking after the only body I'll ever have!
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    Heart Murmur!



    ​This week I am concentrating on writing my book "Echoes In The Hallway,' so I will be discussing my recent heart murmur status in a video log. When I turned up at hospital last Saturday, after suffering from severe chest pain, I had no idea that I would leave with a Systolic Heart Murmur. This isn't something that has ever been picked up before, so understandably I am rather concerned.

    It is of course up to me to arrange for further investigations here in Perth, so I can make sense of just what is causing this murmur. It could be benign, which is usually the case when you are younger, or it could be something more sinister: a problem with a narrowing of arteries or a heart valve problem. At this moment in time, they just do not know why I have an issue.

    I am naturally quite anxious about this finding, especially as I do suffer from health anxiety. I do, however, wonder if the nervousness and concern I suffer with on a daily basis, has contributed to the physical symptom. The consultant at the hospital did say that a murmur can disappear as quickly as it arrived. I only had my heart checked a few weeks ago and nothing was picked up, so I am a little confused to say the least.

    Have a listen to the video this week and tell me what you think. I always value your opinions, which you always offer each week. If you have any insight into this condition, I would love to hear from you.
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    I just wanted to say a few words about my new book, that will be coming out soon. 'Echoes In The Hallway' is an anthology of short stories from my childhood. I have been writing for as long as I can remember, and I have decided to publish these personal insights into my life growing up in the 1970s and 80s in tangible form.

    The book is written under my birth name, Darren Light. I thought it was appropriate to use my given name, considering the personal nature of these stories. Luke Martin - Jones in the Blogger inside, Darren is the little boy who grew up, surviving the challenges of 70s and 80s Britain, whilst wrestling with being gay, in a distinctly homophobic world.

    I will of course let you know when the book is on sale and look forward to seeing it in print myself!
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    Biopsy Results!

    When you are confronted by the 'C' word — Cancer, you really can't predict how you will react. All of us are different. When you are told you may have that disease, you deal with it however you can. As a sufferer of health anxiety, I didn't cope with the prospect of having skin cancer too well. To say I was devastated, would be an understatement. All week I have been traumatised, living on nervous energy, and existing, like every day was my last.

    This week has been hell, I really haven't known whether I am coming or going. I have very much lived in a bubble. I haven't spoken to anyone, including my husband, preferring to stay quiet — alone with my thoughts I was trying to come to terms with a diagnosis, before actually being diagnosed. In my mind, I had cancer and in my head, I was preparing for the worst case scenario. My mental health is quite simply in bits; I feel like I have run a marathon, haven't slept for weeks and literally been through the mill. I am shattered, tired and absolutely exhausted. This has been a hellish week and one I just want to forget.

    The biopsy, itself, has really just been an inconvenience. It is in an awkward spot, in the middle of my back, which is making it really difficult to heal. Whether carrying a bag to work, sleeping in a bed, or sitting on a chair, the friction caused is just exacerbating the problem. I do have some pain from the site itself and having to put on a smiling face each day, has been difficult — especially after recovering from COVID.

    My consultant at the mole scan clinic said, the results would be back within a few weeks, and that immediately sent me into panic mode. Health anxiety doesn't make allowances for diagnostic results. Each day of the waiting process is worse than the one before. For me, the 'not knowing' has been the worst part of this whole sorry episode. I can cope with the pain of a biopsy, even the threat of a positive cancer result, but the waiting period, for an anxiety sufferer, is a killer. I might as well lock myself away for a week — functioning at any semblance of normality, has been hard, and I have made myself ill just thinking about the consequences.

    Within a few working days, my results had dropped into my health app on my phone. I immediately phoned the clinic for answers, to no avail. The Doctor hadn't looked at them yet, let alone analysed them. Despite pushing as hard as I could, the receptionist just couldn't give me any more information. Of course, my anxiety just increased, as I wondered why the results were not being released — 'what were they hiding!'

    The next day, I phoned once more, and again I was given the same answer. The Clinician would phone me as soon as they knew, but 'rest assured they will do it in a timely manner.' This did bugger all to stem my apprehension, and I was probably more concerned than ever. Anxiety is a vicious cycle, as I found out this week, both physically and mentally, taking its toll. Anticipating these results has been lonely and extremely painful. I have lost three kilograms in weight and I look particularly tired and gaunt. Every morning I woke up at 1.30am, sweating, with a fast heartbeat, which as you can imagine, did nothing to alleviate my fears of a positive diagnosis.

    By the end of the day, after my second phone call, the Doctor phoned back, while I was in the middle of some end of day paperwork. My heart immediately sank. However, she immediately told me the lesion on my back was benign and referred to it as 'fibrosis.' You just can't imagine the relief I felt at that moment — all of my anxiety immediately disappeared; I felt like a new man!

    I resisted the temptation to research fibrosis on Dr Google, not wanting to detract from the good news, at least temporarily. After telling Darrell and my father the good news, I slept like a baby. Yes, I woke up at stupid O'clock in the morning, but there was no sweat, fast heartbeat nor anxiety, and I fell back asleep straight away. It was clear, I was going to live another day, and the relief was palpable.

    As ever, with health anxiety, within 24 hours, I was concerned about another pain, this time under my tongue. Whilst searching a possible Squamous cell carcinoma diagnosis, just a few days before, some rather uncomfortable photos of affected tongues came up in my news feed, so I naturally jumped on the anxiety bandwagon once again. This time, however, I immediately jumped off; so far, ten days later, I am feeling chipper, in good spirits and avoiding the anxiety cycle of despair. Thankfully, so far, I am no longer dwelling on the worst life throws my way.

    Thank you for all your messages of support and for just being there when I needed it most. This time I was lucky, when so many others are not. To all of you suffering with a cancer diagnosis: you are truly amazing people; your stories have helped me, during a particularly challenging time, and for that I am extremely grateful. Keep fighting, keep the faith — Health and happiness to you all!
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    Feeling Invisible as a gay man!

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    It's been a bit of a strange week for me, as I come to terms with that possible Glaucoma diagnosis. As you would expect, I have done a lot of research into the subject, and rather than make me feel more anxious, I am actually feeling rather philosophical about the whole thing. This isn't a condition I can change, so I just have to live with what may happen in the future. There is a lot they can do for me, should they need to, and I am as confident as I can be for the future.
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    On Monday, I burnt my hand, while making dinner. After cooking Carrot and Thyme soup on the stove, I began to ladle it into the blender. After blending up the ingredients, I noticed it was leaking from the bottom. Lifting the jug up from the unit, hot, molten carrot soup, poured over my hand and down my leg. Bloody hell, did I scream!

    I ran into the shower, jumped in and stood there naked, keeping my hand under a cold shower, for what seemed like hours. Meanwhile, poor Darrell, cleaned up the mess and ran out to get some ice, telling me to put my hand into ice-cold water on his return. As I know now, that was a mistake and undoubtably caused more damage to my skin.

    In the end, the pain was so bad, I went to urgent care here in Midland, where my wounds were dressed by a nurse. She explained that the ice would have caused more damage to already damaged skin, and not to do it in future — that's highly unlikely, since I will never be making soup again! It seems that by running from the kitchen to the shower, I left the hot liquid on my skin for far too long, once again causing more damage. On top of this, I have lost the feeling in my thumb, as a result of nerve damage. This may or may not come back, all dependent on how deep the burn was.

    Nevertheless, it seems to be healing neatly and thankfully looks a hundred times better than it did. I am hoping it will be more or less healed in another few days — fingers crossed.

    ​In my vlog today, I am discussing my feelings of loneliness and the difficulties I am experiencing as a gay man of a certain age. I am no longer the youngster I once was, and moving all over the World since my mid-forties has caused me to feel more and more invisible. Today in Australia, I have very few friends that I can talk to and confide in, relying heavily on friends back home in the UK.

    Western Australia is a beautiful place, but the people tend to be rather insular and making a meaningful connection with anyone is hard. Currently, Darrell and I are on our own and have to rely on each other. When you receive difficult news from the Doctor, need a chat about issues you are experiencing on a daily basis, or just need a friend to have a drink with, you find yourself looking for the impossible; they just don't exist.

    ​I have spoken to many people here about how I feel, and with such a high immigrant population in the west , the majority of them agreed — Australia is a really hard place to integrate.

    Despite this fact, neither Darrell nor I will be returning to the UK anytime soon. We have built a good life here, have a beautiful home and are getting ahead in a way we could have only dreamed of in Britain. Feeling invisible does have its advantages too. You can live your life as you think fit, and you don't have to make time for anyone else. I know that may sound sad, but this is the first time we have been in charge of our own destiny. We are doing exactly what we want, travelling to amazing places, and want for nothing. There is of course the nagging feeling of loneliness, but it is a sacrifice we are willing to make to get ahead.

    ​Nothing lasts forever, and I am sure our outlook may change in the future. For now, we are just happy to be in a good place and not at the mercy of a system that seeks to thwart your every endeavour. Yes, we do feel alone in this vast country at the edge of the World, but that's a cross we will have to bear and a sadness we will have to endure!
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