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I have a feeling, I'm not in a great place at the moment. Generally I am feeling pretty unwell — nothing specific, but just a feeling of constant malaise. I just can't put my finger on what is wrong, but I get like this from time to time. IBS has once again reared its ugly head and overtaken my life.
I have suffered from this bloody condition for years; I have great periods when I am pain free, as well as deeply difficult days. I say days, but these flare-ups can last for months, and they really do knock me for six. It's just a feeling, but I think this is going to be a long one for me. I have already begun the process of eliminating certain foods, looking for suitable medication, and more importantly, trying to deal with this god awful thing once and for all.
Being very bodily aware, I knew something was wrong a little over a week ago. I have been having real problems sleeping, so I bought some Magnesium Glycinate to help. I have never tried this stuff before, but after reading about it, it appeared on paper at least, to be just what I was looking for. Surviving on just a few hours sleep each night, even though I am using Melatonin, has been debilitating. I am still waking up at 3am every morning, unable to get back to sleep. This form of magnesium is highly recommended for an insomniac like me, but it just hasn't agreed with my IBS and I have been left doubled over in pain.
Today I awoke at 2.30am and have been awake ever since. For this reason I wasn't even going to blog today, but I felt I had to, just to get some feelings off my chest. A few days after taking the magnesium supplement, I have feeling terrible. My body literally feels like it is shutting down. I have severe abdominal cramps, pain under my left rib, nausea and terrible backache. I have felt this bad before, but not for a long time. As someone who suffers from health anxiety, I have been googling, trying to find answers, to my current state of health and this has just made me feel so much worse.
From kidney failure, gastritis and pancreatitis, to cancer, I have died multiple times this week, as I try to find out why I am feeling so bad. I am sure deep down this is IBS, but as ever, something is telling me to delve deeper, nothing is quite as it seems.
One of the biggest problems with IBS, is the inability to believe that the pain you are suffering from isn't causing physical damage to your organs. The discomfort is that bad at times, you feel like you are dying. I have had every test going over the years, yet Doctors have found nothing. I am just left with a nondescript, vague diagnosis of IBS and told to get on with my life, no matter how hard that is.
This week I have been tired, fatigued, in tremendous pain, and in a very bad place mentally. IBS isn't psychosomatic as many would believe, it is a real, debilitating, agonising diagnosis that never gives up. Unlike other illnesses, IBS has no cure or end date. There isn't even a test to tell you, you have it. The whole diagnosis is based on a process of elimination. When everything else is ruled out, including the more sinister diseases, you are finally given your IBS label. This is a tag you live with for the rest of your life. You have good days and bad days, but when they are bad, they are the worst — nothing compares to IBS pain, and you never truly learn to live with it.
With this terrible week at an end, I am able to lay here on the sofa, with a water bottle on my belly, writing my thoughts down. The best medicine for me is the ability to share my musings with you. The release I feel as I write is unbelievably healing, and I am just grateful to be able to do it.
If you suffer from IBS, like me, you'll understand my pain, and if you ever need a chat, just drop me a message, I'm always here. Chatting about this condition with people who understand the symptoms, is a lifeline at times of great stress. Nobody, including my husband, really understands just what I am going through and for that reason, my writing has become a catalyst for getting well. My ability to blog is a tonic at times when I need it most — without it, I would feel even more alone than I do today.
IBS encompasses so many disorders and defects, that it becomes an almost impossible problem to solve. Failure is my biggest enemy, so as I battle this dreaded indisposition, I am reminded about the time before I was diagnosed and the happy, carefree World that I used to inhabit. This is the marker I need to push me ever onwards, towards a cure, and the ability to exist comfortably, without pain. This is the goal I am determined to achieve, to finally live stress and pain free, and be happy again like I used to, in a time before IBS!
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I haven't composed a written blog in a while, so I've decided to put pen to paper, as it were, and write a few words today. Enjoying a long weekend, does afford me the opportunity to sit and think about what to say. I suppose you could call today's blog, 'non-specific', because today I am writing down, what ever comes to mind — off the cuff comments about my life in Australia, and just how I'm feeling this weekend.
Darrell and I have been in Australia for a little over three years now and have achieved a lot during our time in Perth. More than anything, we are lucky enough to have been able to buy a house, at a time when Australia is suffering from a housing crisis, worse than anything in The UK. Recently, I was told in no uncertain terms, that in all probability, I wouldn't be able to buy a house in Perth today, and it's easy to see why.
Prices are out of control in this isolated part of the world. Since COVID-19, the lack of housing has become a crisis. Perth itself has the most expensive rental market in the whole country, and prices are rising faster than inflation. A house like ours would let easily for $600 a week, and I just can't imagine how anyone can afford to rent a property here, let alone buy one.
Since buying our current home, the value has more than doubled and continues to rise daily. I remember when we first moved here, applying for flats to rent, joining long queues of people waiting to view this property or that, and thinking to myself, what a mistake we had made moving to Australia. Thankfully, we didn't have to rent, and after speaking to our amazing Bank Manager, we were more than able to afford to buy a three-bedroom villa, near to Darrell's Mum.
Of course, I have filled our house with lots of stuff, as you would expect from a maximalist like me, and it feels very much like a home now. We haven't done much to this place since moving in, preferring instead to spend our money on travelling. Look, I would love to have a perfectly polished home, but at my age, I believe it is more important to enjoy life, and use our house in Western Australia as a base. The villa is large by British standards, functional, and offers us all the space we need. Darrell has one side of the house and I have the other, which works out fantastically well for us.
Despite being settled and secure, we continue to regard travel as our number one priority. Living in Australia can of course make this rather challenging, especially when you live in Perth. However, we are spending our time travelling through Asia, which just happens to be our favourite part of the World. To date we have seen most countries in the region, and will be exploring Japan early next year. Eventually we would like to travel further afield, but as a nervous flyer, I would rather stay within a 5 or six hour flight limit. Japan is certainly a longer journey than this, but it is a destination on both our bucket lists, that we need to see before we get too old.
In 2027, I plan to fly back to the UK to see my Father and possibly attend my 40th school reunion. This will give me an opportunity to catch up with friends and family also, and hopefully stop off in Europe along the way. It is true to say I miss my country of birth, but I really miss Europe even more. Having lived in Spain for several years, I understand the European way of life and crave the lifestyle it offers.
Australia is so far from the rest of the World, that at times it feels like a whole different planet. Despite our two countries English roots, we are poles apart in every other respect. Australians are very insular people and not as welcoming as the British, or indeed the Expat community in Spain. Darrell and I do feel extremely lonely at times and look back to our days living in Southampton, Portsmouth, and Gran Alacant with fondness. Someone once asked me if I loved Australia; after thinking about it for a minute, I had to say no! I like this country for everything it has done for me and the opportunities it has given both of us, but I hate the loneliness and the deep sense of loss I feel.
If circumstances had been different, Darrell and I wouldn't be here. We would still be happily (or not) living in Britain, surrounded by friends and family. I'm not sure our lives would be as comfortable as they are now, but we would have a large network of contacts around us. As I grow older, I find people more important, and I wish we had a wider circle of friends. It is difficult for outsiders to make strong connections here, especially at 55 years old. As a wise Australian once confirmed, Aussies make their friends in high school and tend not to deviate from that group. When two older gay men arrive from Europe, with little or no support, then life is going to be tough —certainly tougher than it would have been, had we stayed in Britain.
As Darrell and I look forward to a new adventure in May, travelling to Osaka and Kyoto, we are both aware of just how far we have come in such a short space of time. Naturally we are grateful to Australia for all it has given us, as we navigate this new life down under, but we are also regretful for everyone we have left behind. I miss my Father every day and always look forward to hearing from friends back home. I am sad we don't have a satisfying lifestyle here, but I hope, even now, given time, that will change. In the meantime, both of us will continue to strive for a better and more productive future. Keeping our hopes and dreams alive, at a time when we need them most, is important — we obviously have each other, Mum, and a few close friends. These are quite simply the people who matter, everything else takes second place.
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For once, I've had a pretty quiet week. There have been no health problems, anxiety or stress, so as the video above explains, I am feeling practically stress-free. Now that is a first for me! I am feeling that good, that I don't have any IBS symptoms, and I am actually sleeping well; better than I have done in years. Despite the nasty weather in Perth at the moment, I have absolutely nothing to complain about, now that is a shocker for me and probably you as well.
With all my health issues more or less cleared up, I am beginning to look forward to our holiday in Thailand and Singapore. This is where my mind is right now, and I am starting to feel excited about our 30th anniversary trip. I am of course making preparations to hopefully avoid contracting an infection this time around, and I am doing what I can to stop any future staph infection, from manifesting while we are abroad. Interestingly, after much research, I have discovered that probiotics could be key to beating this god-awful disease.
Normally I take a probiotic every day, but on holiday I don't. There is no real reason why, rather, I just don't take them with me when I am travelling. In Asia, I do suffer from infections, and yes, you guessed it, home in Perth, I do not. I am hoping that by taking a strong capsule daily; while touring Southeast Asia, I will be able to stop any nasty bacteria in its tracks. Here's hoping anyway! I am well aware of how destructive staphylococcus Aureus can be, so anything I can do to avoid it for a third time, is worth a try!
Just one other thing to mention, before you check out the video, and it's about a person I haven't seen in eight years. Dawn, was a fellow expat, and close friend I knew, while living in Gran Alacant, in Spain. She just happened to show up in my store in Midland a week ago — just out of the blue. She was visiting a friend here in Australia and was passing through, before travelling onto Africa.
Dawn was part of The No Wives Club in Spain. All of us, who were close at that time, had our respective partners and husbands working or living abroad. We formed a close bond, during difficult times. Sadly, we lost touch over the years and I never believed I would see her again. For Dawn to just pop up, unexpectedly, over the other side of the world, was extraordinary, but extremely lovely. It was a joy to catch up, even briefly. Sadly, I won't be able to see her again, as our paths once again take different directions. However, it was a precious moment that brought a much-needed smile to my face. Of course, I wish her all the best — and who knows, we may bump into each other again one day.
That's it this week, short and sweet — enjoy the video!
