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    Celebrating During The COVID Age!

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    I have always loved Christmas and all things festive, so decided to put up my little Christmas tree this Thursday. Yes I know it is far earlier than usual, but it has been such a horrible time recently, I just needed a bit of sparkle and colour in my life. Christmas has always lifted my spirits when I am down and with winter drawing in fast, it felt right to begin the festive celebrations early; there's nothing like a fairy light to put a smile on my face.

    Of course Christmas this year will be a very different occasion, with only a few family members sitting around the table on Christmas Day and that is sad. I have personally been saving for Christmas since January, putting some money aside each week to ensure all of us have an enjoyable time, but the reality is, it just won't be the same and I will probably keep most of the money for another year, the year we finally get back to normal, when ever that is.

    This Yuletide I have bought a multicoloured tree, partly to celebrate my homosexuality and in part the NHS, colours of the rainbow shining brightly at a time of darkness. The more vibrant the decorations the better, as I try and do all I can to remain positive and happy. My state of mind is literally riding a roller-coaster of emotions at the moment. I don't think there has ever been a time when I have felt so worn down. My health has suffered dramatically since lockdown in March; after the likely Coronavirus diagnosis I received in April, it has slowly continued to decline!

    Today I am still feeling the after effects of what I suspect was COVID-19. I feel tired, dizzy and achy most days. Initially I put it down to old age and over work, but after speaking to several friends and colleagues who had the virus, it seems they are also suffering from very similar symptoms. This is concerning for me, and I am rather apprehensive about the future ahead. Just how long COVID lingers and the potential enduring effects, nobody knows, but Long COVID is very real and all of us should be aware of it, as we enter the second wave.

    Most of the time I try and block out the realities of life, but there are periods when I sit and dwell about the future, this is the time when distraction helps me cope with the awfulness we are all currently living through. A simple  Christmas tree is a reminder of Christmases past, better times spent with Darrell, family and friends. Most importantly for me is the welcome end of 2020, consigned to the history books, as one of the worst years in living memory. A fake evergreen tree symbolising the circle of life, renewal and abundance, even when hope has all but disappeared, is as good as it gets right now; that is a small price to pay.
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    Monday was also a day to celebrate Zerina's 49th Birthday. Of course this was a Birthday like no other; in COVID, socially distanced fashion, with just a handful of close colleagues, we toasted Zerina at a time, where parties and gatherings of more than six are banned.
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    This is such a difficult interval for friends, family and colleagues; it has become almost impossible to spend any time with those closest. A select number of us had a few nibbles and chatted over a sausage roll and glass of lemonade. Always following the regulations and mindful of the importance of remaining safe during this pandemic, we wished Zerina congratulations on her special day. This was a strange occasion, not our usual party of volunteers, drinking the night away at Yan Woo, but It was nevertheless as memorable as any other evening, even if it was for all the wrong reasons.

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    Darrell and I also celebrated another milestone this week. This time last year, Darrell arrived in the UK from Australia, to celebrate his Birthday with me in Britain. This month-long stay would be the last time I would see him, before the Coronavirus Pandemic took hold across the World. Looking back, at such a happy time is difficult for me, but I just hope it isn't too long before we see each other again.

    I heard from my Member of Parliament as well this week, still working hard to highlight our case. Keeping me updated on his communication with the Home Office, he explained that he still hasn't heard from the Home Secretary, apologising for the length of time it is taking to receive a satisfactory reply. We still have a few months to go, before panic sets in, and we have to rethink our plans, until then I will continue to look on the bright side and celebrate life and all its ups and downs!
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    My Christmas Wish - Danaë Hamling!

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    A big shout out to Danaë Hamling for our first look towards Christmas and her wish for a better year ahead. I have known  Danaë for a number of years and understand her frustration at not being able to travel. My Marriage depends on being able to fly to the far east, without it, I will be unable to see my husband. I hope 2021 will finally see all of us able to fly once again.

    Thank you Aunty D for taking part in 'My Christmas Wish,' your positivity has always been a great source of inspiration for me. Keep the faith, don't look back and believe the end is in site. Nothing lasts forever!
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    A Brief Moment of Respite!

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    Thursday I was able to spend a few hours with family, a brief respite from the lonely World we are all living in at the moment. I haven't seen my Cousins for a while, due to the Coronavirus situation and don't think it is appropriate to put anyone at risk, by mixing at a time when COVID cases are rising across the country. I am in contact with many people on a daily basis and consequently avoid those closest if I can. Last week I told my Father I wouldn't be able to see him for the time being, because of the spiralling pandemic and not wanting to put him at risk. It is difficult to describe how I feel about this deep down, but frustrated and angry would be an understatement.

    I suppose my annoyance is primarily directed towards the Government, as you would expect. They have got so much wrong during this crisis, the list is endless, but safe to say, they have acted appallingly in implementing measures too late and been weak in their half-hearted response. I am still following my own rules, which are harder than the Governments. I firmly believe we should have locked down completely, so we can try and delay the spread of this deadly disease before the winter months kick in. if we don't act now, we will be back in the same situation we were in during the spring and summer, during the first wave of the pandemic and that would be a disaster.

    Spending time with friends and family is important for our own well-being; without the physical and emotional support they need, many people are suffering unimaginable loneliness and depression. The pain all of us are experiencing could have been avoided, if only we had followed scientific advice from day 1 and closed this country down. The second wave is giving us an opportunity to finally do the correct thing, but once again we can't get it right, and will spend the next four months watching the number of deaths rise uncontrollably.

    This may well be the last time I spend the day with family until the spring. As the new tiered system of alert is rolled out across the nation, it is likely Portsmouth will slip into new restrictions as and when appropriate. The death rate per 100,000 is higher here now than the national average and that is probably due to the return of students and young people ignoring the guidelines. I am sick of doing the right thing, only for others to break the rules. All students should be working remotely from home, they shouldn't have been allowed to return to campuses, spreading the virus to their peers and consequently to the rest of the local population.

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    Like seventeen million others, I have downloaded the new NHS Track and Trace App. I felt it was part of my civic duty to do so; being brutally honest, I am regretting it. The app itself is easy to use, just leave it alone and it will do its thing, but I am being constantly bombarded by notifications informing me of potential exposure to the virus.

    Not only are these messages frightening me half to death, but they are also completely useless. They give me no tangible information to use for my own protection, and I am left feeling irritated and confused about the action I should take. As soon as I click on these reports, to find out more, they disappear and I am left even more bewildered than I was before.

    Take today as a perfect example - I had to attend my Doctors surgery for a blood test and as directed I scanned the surgery QR code, alerting the app to my whereabouts. Standing waiting to be seen, I received a 'Possible COVID-19 Exposure notification. Unable to move from my designated spot, I had to wait my turn to be seen, knowing that I am standing near to someone with symptoms. For someone like me, who suffers from anxiety, I don't mind telling you, I was panicking inside; I felt sick to my stomach.

    One would have assumed that someone who had reported symptoms, shouldn't have even been in the surgery in the first place, certainly not in close proximity to others, potentially exposing them to the virus. Surely frightening people by sending these alerts in the first place, especially if there is no risk, is insane. There is no clear advice about what to do in these circumstances and for a layman like me, I am left with more questions than answers.

    I have received other similar messages from the NHS and have been left rather confused about their nature and how to deal with their impact. This is a new application and it will of course evolve over time, but it is important that the general public are given more information. If you are encouraged to do everything the Government asks of you, then the least they can do is get it right. A notification of potential exposure is useless, if you don't know the circumstances behind it. Walking past someone in the street is a bit different to being stuck in a GP surgery, unable to get away.

    I have known many people who have downloaded the NHS application, only to delete it later because of the lack of clarity, disappearing notifications and constant bombardment of data, messages and disinformation. I am more than willing to play my part but for God’s sake contact me when I need to be, not when I don't.
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    This week Darrell and I became another seven days closer to seeing one another again, whenever that is. Our inability to see one another is taking its toll on both of us and I have been suffering from stress far more than usual. My anxiety levels have been gradually increasing since January this year, when COVID hit the headlines and it is unlikely to get any better soon. If my partner was here with me in the UK, things would be much easier to cope with, but we are where we are.

    I am lucky to be in a relationship after twenty-five years; both of us have worked hard to overcome the difficulties we have endured, but there are others less fortunate, spending this period completely alone. Darrell and I are physically separated by 10,000 miles, but we are still very much attached emotionally.

    Yesterday I phoned Mrs F, an older lady I befriended during the height of the pandemic, back in March. We are still in contact and I make sure I phone her when I can, to check that she is doing OK. Well our phone call yesterday suggested she wasn't faring too well and I spent longer than usual talking with her, offering advice and making her laugh. When I put the phone down, I realised just how lucky I am. I do have a family around me and a husband who I love, Mrs F is alone in the World and it is so important we look out for those who need it.

    This bloody pandemic has been a strain on every one of us, but it has taught me the importance of friendship. As we enter this second wave I am mindful of the difficulties I face and intend to continue doing all I can to protect those closest. When we finally come out the other side, I hope I can look back and say I did the right thing, my conscience is clear and I feel stronger than ever, even if I wasn't always right. Do whatever you can to get through the next few months, things will get choppy for a while, but these days will surely end, as night turns to day!
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    Do What You Have To!

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    'This pandemic is really getting me down, so I'm doing what I can to relieve the stress. Netflix has become my next best friend; anything that takes me to a better place, is on my list of things to watch. For the fourth time, I am working my way through 'Benidorm.' Taken back in Spain I'm enjoying the most enlightening years of my life. When all this is over I'll be the first one on the plane and the last one back.... Do what you have to, keeping the dream alive, the memories vibrant and the stories will survive!'
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    My Christmas Wish!

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    Each Christmas, I ask readers of Roaming Brit to make a festive contribution to this blog, expressing their thoughts and feelings about a time of year I have always enjoyed. This Christmas will be unlike any other we have experienced in modern times; it is likely the second wave of the Coronavirus pandemic will be at its peak and all of us will be looking forward to 2021.

    This year I wanted to ask all of you to send me your Christmas wishes; if you could have one wish this year, what would it be? Sitting here writing this blog entry today, my head is elsewhere, as it often is these days. I have so many wishes for the future, I can't begin to say. Like all of us, I am wishing this awful year away, I want things to return to normal and the World to get back to the way it was. It is difficult to comprehend just how anxious I feel every day, but there is hope around the corner; as the nights draw in and the festive lights go up, I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel. Colourful illuminations always inspire my sense of hope, even in the darkest of times; the warm glow from lights on a tree, offer an opportunity to relax, think and contemplate happier days ahead.

    All of us have wishes, things we have been putting off until better times, a bucket list that needs to be fulfilled, ambitions or aspirations for success. Christmas offers the chance of renewal and a yearning to do good, complete tasks or strive with determination to achieve everything we didn't before. A single wish come true, could change your life or the World around you. It could point the way towards success and notoriety or forge the seeds of expectations for a future untried and untested. Whatever your wish is, share your dreams and fervour with a familiar audience and look forward to better times, as we finally say adiós to 2020 and pray 2021 will be our best year yet!
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  • Published on

    Feeling Angry!

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    Christmas is coming and it is going to be yet another milestone that Darrell and I won't be enjoying together. This is actually my favourite time of year, so not spending it with my partner is going to be difficult. I have seriously been thinking about upping sticks and just getting on a plane and going to be with him in Australia - easier said than done I hear you say, but I am finding life particularly taxing at the moment; I am not enjoying it one bit!

    'Compared to other people, I really don't have a lot to complain about!' This is all I am told, encouraged to 'knock myself out of it,' whatever 'it' is and get on with life. However, these are the people who really have no concept of what I am going through and the torment I feel every day. These are the people with perfect lives, wife, 2.4 children and an 'easy ride;' these are the people who have no idea what it is like to struggle, fight, battle and strive, and I am sick of hearing their opinions!

    Today I am feeling angry, angry at the World and angry with myself. I wish I had gone to Australia when I had the chance, despite the difficulties involved; I surely would have muddled through. This bloody pandemic is getting me down yes, but the reaction of people is grating on me even more. No one cares about anyone, just themselves and how they are missing their annual holiday, can't go to their favourite restaurant or have that extra pint in the pub, because it is closing early. I am fed up with their selfish attitude towards others. They only wear masks when they want, refuse to socially distance, break all the rules and think they have the right to ignore the rest of us - well they don't, and they should be bloody ashamed of themselves!

    I may well not be suffering like other people in the physical sense, but mentally I am drained and at the end of my tether. I haven't seen my husband for a year and have no idea when I will be allowed to see him again. If all you have to whinge about, is boredom on a Saturday night, because everything shuts at 10pm, the lack of quinoa on supermarket shelves or the queues outside Primark for your cheap, nasty clothes, then you really have no idea what heartache is. Yes I am bitter and feeling sorry for myself, yes it is rather self-indulgent, sybaritic and unrestrained but I have a voice and today I want to shout out loud from the rooftops... I have a reason to roar, can you really say the same!

    Rant over!!!!
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