As a child I was very much a loner, preferring my own company to that of others. I would spend hours in my room, writing, reading or watching television, consequently I had very few friends to speak of and spent the first decade and a half of my life without many people around me. That is what suited me at the time, I wasn't a people person and found others annoying and tiresome. I don't remember enjoying my teenage years at all, in fact it was an extremely gruelling and formidable time. Without friends my experiences were pretty nondescript and unmemorable; these were years I would rather forget and by and large have, only touching on their relevance from time to time.
On Thursday evening I went out with friends from my voluntary job at Cancer Research, to a new restaurant here in Portsmouth. I thoroughly enjoyed being in their company and had a fantastic night, as I always do with this bunch. In 2020 my life is very different and I mix with many people. I suppose I actually like being centre of attention and the introverted child I was, is no longer a person I comprehend. When I left school, I evolved into someone very different, in many respects an individual I didn't recognise but someone I liked; I finally found out who I was and rather late, granted, became the personality I am today. Education kept me in a box away from the real World and never allowed me to be the unique, slightly eccentric guy I am. I did well at school, but I didn't excel, I didn't fulfil my dreams and become the person I craved. For the most part I didn't mix with others because I didn't enjoy their company, find them stimulating or even fit in with their agenda. The few friends I did have were like me and as I discovered later in life, went through the same traumas I did. Life was not easy as a kid, but it did teach me a lot about the World and how to stand on my own two feet without the help of others.
My journey from the age of sixteen was full of people, weird and wonderful characters who have remained a part of my life for many years. I was attracted to like-minded individuals, mainly from the gay community which I played an active role in and discovered there were other people like me. Looking back at my school days now, I am sure my homosexuality played a big part in my discontent and stopped me from following my dreams and aspirations. The awkwardness I felt for many years was really the product of my hidden sexuality and the times I grew up in.
After decades living on a gay scene, that could be destructive at times, inward looking and surrounded by more so-called friends than I could ever hope for, I have reached a cross road in my life, where I am now looking to achieve a balance between friends, family, work life and me time. Today I literally have too many people around me and making time for each one of them can be challenging. Of course, I no longer live on a large gay scene or have a large gay family to contend with on a daily basis, but I still have connections with others that I need and want to keep alive. Those closest are the ones that stood the test of time and have always been there on my journey. These are the ones who never judged me for my failings, accepted my sexuality and were there when others were not; these were the friends who made me who I am today.
I have lost many companions along the way, mainly through choice and realising they were not the people I thought they were. At 48 years old I am not afraid to tell someone where to go, especially if I believe they are making me feel like that depressed child I once was. I have a lifestyle that involves working three jobs, blogging, writing and socialising when I am able, if others can't make allowances for that, then they can not be a part of my life. I can't be that weekend party animal I used to be or spend two hundred pounds drinking on a Saturday night, while those financially better off than I can. The reality is, I am just an average, hard-working guy, I haven't had an amazing career, made oodles of money or boast about my achievements, but I am happy being me. Content with the friends I have, I am no longer looking for the recognition and approval I used to crave. My life is difficult, challenging, content and eventful. My fate is mine to do with as I please and when I make a decision today it's about what is right for me, not anyone else, just me, my family and the path I have chosen to follow.
