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    Lockdown Life - Thoughts, Feelings and Emotions!

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    Some more photographs from in and around Portsmouth, whilst out walking during this lockdown period. To be honest I have been feeling a little down recently and walking is the only thing that takes my mind off my troubles. I am finding life pretty difficult at the moment, probably like all of us. Without the support of my partner and a constant feeling of isolation, I am starting to wonder why I am still in Britain.

    Having two weeks holiday and doing absolutely nothing, spending every day on my own predominantly has brought out the worst in me, as I try to work my way through the loneliness. The stress and anxiety that plays such a large role in my life has now become the focus of my thoughts, every day. When I wake up in the morning, I am constantly reminded of the things I hate about myself the most - my consternation, uneasiness, worries, apprehension and ailments; the niggling pains that give me even more reason to dwell on the negative aspects of life and the dreams I have failed to fulfil in life.

    The last few months have been difficult because I have had more time than I can cope with. This week I should have been in Japan, visiting Osaka and Mount Fuji, instead I have been at home, alone with my thoughts and memories of better times. I am well aware, that over thinking is a fault of mine and I remain empty and wanting at the end of it. I am always left with more questions than answers, and I am often filled with regrets, 'what ifs' and frustrations that I just can't shake.

    Usually I am in a much better  frame of mind than I am today, but I am not in the habit of lying about how I feel, so this blog is the perfect forum for telling the truth. I have always tried to be as honest as I can, when I talk about myself, it is the best way to offload any pressing worries. The anxieties I suffer today are a direct result of the circumstances I find myself in. The only time I am truly happy, is when I am with my husband; when you spend twenty-five years with someone, it makes it hard when you have to live apart. There are people far worse off than I, especially during this pandemic, but I do wish I could travel back a few years, when we lived in Spain together, finally living the life we both had dreamed of for so long.

    If I had the choice, I would leave on a plane tomorrow to be with Darrell, not because I don't want to be here with family, far from it, this has been my saving grace. I love being with my Aunt and Cousins, but because I need to be with the person I love and without him, life has become meaningless, without purpose.

    Reassessing one's life and making plans for the future, whilst walking around this great city, has become as much a part of life as going to work has and whether I like it or not, it is the foundation of my time now in Portsmouth. As the months roll on and both of us spend more and more time apart, I fear the negativity will continue to resurface from time to time. I do not thrive in such situations and try to wrestle with my own demons in order to move forwards with hope and a determination to do what is right. If I had to leave tomorrow, I would; I do whatever I can to remain sanguine during tempestuous times!
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    The Struggles That Make Us Who We Are!

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    The World does seem to be in a constant state of flux at the moment. The pandemic is still raging across continents, taking lives indiscriminately, creating uncertainty and leaving a trail of death and destruction that will take generations to mitigate. After the death of George Floyd, the 'Black Lives Matter' (human rights organisation) campaign is gathering pace globally, as black people fight for equality and campaign against violence and systematic racism towards black people. And all of us juggle our ever decreasing finances to make ends meet, as unemployment continues to rise, in the wake of COVID-19. These are strange, difficult and thought-provoking times, a period that will be talked about for years to come. The adversities all of us face on a daily basis, do indeed make us who we are and with circumstances the way they are I am reminded of my own battles, many of which I still fight today!

    I was always a child who suffered at the hands of bullies. I knew I was gay from about the age of eleven and consequently found it hard to hide who I was. Back in the early 1980s, it was not acceptable to be homosexual  and I suffered physically and mentally as a result. When I look back at my school days I shudder at just how bad they were and what I had to do to survive. There was of course an element of lying about who I was, but there was more than that. I knew I was different, found men attractive and couldn't be who I wanted to be, but I was still a young boy growing up at a time of great prejudice, with feelings that were so different to my peers and as a result I became a 'self isolating outcast,' spending the majority of the time on my own, away from others, for fear of being attacked or worse, for who I was.

    Of course when one spends too much time on ones own, the real battles outside turn to conflicts in the mind. My mental health became fragile, from an early age, but without the help and support people are accorded today, I tried and failed miserably, to overcome some dark and distressing periods. I often felt deeply depressed and alone and more worryingly had suicidal thoughts, that overtook my life. While my friends were growing up 'normally' enjoying all the activities 'normal' kids enjoy, I rapidly became more and more insular, afraid and scared of the future.

    At the same time, AIDS impacted all our lives, rather like the pandemic of today and my sexuality became even more of a problem; I cried every night wrestling with fears that were spiralling out of control. I believed being gay would kill me and I wouldn't be able to stop it. I had no one to talk to, since the Government of the time introduced 'Section 28' prohibiting any conversations with professionals, who could have helped and life became even more pained than it was already. By the time I left school in 1987, I was a nervous wreck, with nowhere to turn, turning to alcohol and cigarettes for support.

    The early 90s was a time of great liberation; I finally found myself and accept my lot in life. I attended Pride marches, joined the Anti-Nazi League and began fighting for my right to exist as a gay man. There were set backs and phases when I questioned my sexuality, but this was due to other people opinions and their destructive influences. I was attacked several times and on one occasion thrown into the back of a car and beaten for over an hour, finally thrown out in a ditch at the side of the road, where, battered and bruised I made my way home. The constant assaults and barrage of abuse  made me even more determined to carry on being me and I became physically stronger as a result. Despite this my mental health was in tatters and depression and suicide raised their ugly heads again.

    When I met my current husband in 1995, I was ready to settle down with someone I truly loved and that is where my biggest struggle began. Darrell was Australian, and we were both embarking on a same-sex relationship during a time when we were not recognised as a couple. In law, we were denied the right to live together and were told to move to Australia or another country that recognised the nature of our relationship; there was literally no precedent in place to allow us to coexist in Britain. You have to remember this was a time when discrimination was rife, commonplace and endemic in British culture, and we had to fight hard to establish our credentials as a partnership.

    Initially we moved to Australia and back again, finally ending up back in Perth for a second time, with the intention of living there for the rest of our lives. Circumstances dictated our next move; Labour won the next General Election of 1997, and we made a last ditched attempt to restart our life in the UK, when the New Labour Government changed the law to finally recognise our relationship. The next five years were tough as we fought the system through much hardship in order to remain in the country. The damage to both our careers, health and sense of well-being was beyond measure, but in the early 2000s Darrell was finally granted 'Indefinite Leave to Remain,' and we could finally start living, six years after we got together.

    The battles I fought then are carried around with me still, a reminder that together we can overcome anything. When both of us became the victims of bullying, we decided, once again to carry on fighting. This was one of the biggest challenges of our life, and we went through the motions, followed the rules and did what we could to hold our heads high. In the end, we won the battle, but decided to leave the UK altogether and start a new life somewhere else, this time in Spain, away from the memories that had haunted us for so long. From then on, the World was our oyster, or, so we thought, until events once again conspired to change the course of our life.

    Since 2016 we have lived apart for most of the year, while Darrell helps his Mother deal with the spectre of Cancer. I have returned to the UK and continue to do what I can to survive during difficult times. Both of us are also dealing with our own health issues, built up over many years of stress and anxiety and do what we can to support one another. Even today, as we both contend with a pandemic that is keeping us apart on opposite sides of the World, we both remain committed and focused on our relationship. The battles we fought at the beginning have really taught us much about staying the course and each of us have an undying sense of purpose as we traverse the later stages of our life together.
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    Final Day

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    Remember, when our time on Earth is done, when we experience our final moments, as we gently close our eyes and the light slowly fades to dark, we won't remember the bad times.

    Whether surrounded by family and friends, or alone with our final thoughts, the  outcome is the same for all of us.  Our eyes will close, the darkness will descend and suddenly a lifetime of memories, laughter, faces and joy will flow back like the river of blood that pulsed through our veins!

    Don't dwell on the worst that life has thrown your way.  On this, your final day, it doesn't matter any more, it never did.  Just remember the love you had, the person you held close, the warmth they gave and the memories, you both made together

    Darren Vranjes - 9 October 2015

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    Photographs of Hope - Our Family Toast Continues!

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    Inspirational photographs at a time of crisis, creating positivity for the future!

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    We have continued with our weekly family toast, despite the end of clapping for the NHS each week. It would have been nice to see the applause continue and I was a little aghast that it was stopped, especially as the good work the NHS does carries on daily. Nevertheless we will carry on celebrating those closest and the joy they bring, every Thursday, until this pandemic takes a final bow!

    Family matters more now, than ever!

    Stay safe everyone!
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    Phoebe Over - Listen!

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    My Cousin Phoebe Over will be on Radio 1 on Sunday, performing her new song 'Listen.' Many of you contacted me, when I introduced Phoebe to you all, two months ago on 4 April, asking for links to her music online, which I was delighted to pass on to you. I am so pleased Phoebe will be on the BBC this weekend and hope you will all tune in to hear her sing.

    I would like to wish my Cousin well on Sunday and offer her a big virtual hug as she continues with her career. Everyone is very proud of her, she is indeed an amazing young lady, with a great future ahead of her!
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    'Make sure you tune in to BBC Radio 1 for Huw Stephens show on Sunday 7th June, between 23:00 - 00:30. Gonna be hearing a live cover of my song Listen....'

    Phoebe