Tags

  • Published on

    My Christmas Wish - Linda Mia!

    Picture
    Picture
    In these worrying and uncertain times, the thoughts that sustain me are what I call the 'constants'. The things that never change. The fact that the world keeps on turning, the sun rises, the sun sets, the tides ebb and flow, the sun warms us, the rains water the earth. The mountains don't move and the deep oceans are home to the most wondrous things.... marine life, coral reefs, just think of those adorable dolphins!

    A rainbow appears to give us hope and joy. Babies smile and learn to walk and talk, children laugh and play, and a mother's love only rarely fails. Fathers around the world, protect their families and provide for them by working hard...in jobs they don't always enjoy. People show courage in adversity, think of others, support their loved ones, show friendship and help their neighbours.

    We have things in life that are beautiful and FREE.... the sea, the stars, the moon, a cooling breeze, red and golden autumn leaves, delicate white snowdrops, mighty oaks, deep gorges, green hills, the highest mountains, waterfalls rivers, streams....the list is endless if we look up and above our circumstances to the beauty of creation. "He gives us richly all things to enjoy". "He flung the stars into space". Count each and every blessing that you have, sometimes the smallest blessing is the sweetest. Smile often, laugh a lot, encourage one another, what you do for others will be repaid twice over...even a kind gesture.

    We are given the gift of tears to express (and relieve) our sorrows, a heart to feel emotion for we are made of flesh and blood, with a soul that gives us our humanity. We will have trials and tribulations in this world but, take heart and be of good cheer, for the God of love is with you and has overcome the earthly things. The 'constants' remain throughout all eternity, think often of them, hold on to them, say thank you for them, because they will sustain you too and bring you joy.

    If you think you have nothing to give - well, that's not true, because you can give away a smile, a cheery greeting, a friendly wave, and the gift of encouragement, which is precious. As we look towards 2021, hold on to hope, because these uncertain times will surely pass.
    Picture
    Picture
  • Published on

    Surviving Alone!

    Picture
    Image description
    As 2020 draws to a close, I have been thinking about the difficulties all of us have faced this year. Like most people I have had my own set of unique challenges to overcome, with differing degrees of success. I have definitely worried and stressed far more than usual and I have felt more alone than I ever have, probably since I was a child. Nevertheless, I am one of those lucky people who actually enjoys my own company and doesn’t have a problem spending time alone. This brings me to my blog entry today - ‘Surviving alone’

    Lots of people I know have really suffered throughout this pandemic, finding daily life hard. With little or no work, all of us have had a lot of extra time on our hands and many of us have found the lack of stimulation hard to deal with. Most have had families to take care of, children to home school and gardens and homes to tend, as well as the normal daily activities of shopping, trying to keep fit and cooking for each other. For me, life has become tougher because I am not with the person I love. You would think I would be used to this by now, but the reality is, it just doesn’t get any easier to deal with.

    I have just got off the phone to Darrell this morning, and we had a rather heated discussion. I suppose I was feeling rather alone and sensitive today, so sternly reminded him that we were ‘still married.’ Up until now, our conversations were upbeat and in truth we never discussed controversial subjects. I made a conscious effort to avoid issues that would make Darrell lose his temper. He has never been confrontational and has always blocked out subjects that caused him anxiety; to an extent I can see why, but it has been a year since we last saw one another and I felt we needed to discuss the seriousness of our situation.

    I do feel like I am drifting at the moment, just existing, waiting for something positive to happen which never does. It appears that Darrell and I are on very different paths, pushing further and further apart, singing from incompatible hymn sheets and that is unnerving. We are very different people, with contrasting ideas, but we have always found common ground in our love for one another and desire to work through our many differences. With him living thousands of miles away, we have lost the ‘rationale’ that bound us tightly together and that makes me even more anxious.

    Since 2016 our lives have been forking towards unconnected goals in distinctly dissonant countries. Two months after moving to Spain, looking forward to a new adventure, Darrell's Mother was diagnosed with Cancer, and we spent the next few years living apart. Darrell travelled between his Mums home in Western Australia and our home in Spain, time after time. I survived because of the support of friends from the Expat community, who became a major lifeline during this challenging period. They were there for a shoulder to cry on, to have a glass of wine on the terrace with and to offer advice when needed. These people became the family I didn’t have and lifted me up during some very dark days. Living apart from someone after twenty years, because of circumstances beyond your control is hard. Just when you think you have turned a corner, another obstacle is thrown in your path and once again you have to try and manoeuvre your way around it. Life becomes demanding, days seem longer and thoughts turn negative.

    Despite our situation, we always knew we would be together again, even if we spent seven months apart. Planning for the future and discussing life after illness was a catalyst for positivity. On the days when I felt down, I was always able to force myself out of the doldrums, by focussing on the positive aspects of our relationship, that would surely follow. The old saying that love conquers all, was a statement I have never used so often during that period, always clinging on to hope in a World falling apart around me. This was a time I wrote, more than I ever have done and analysed my every mood, desire and fear; writing allowed me to express myself in a way I couldn’t otherwise. These were years that taught me much about myself and surviving with little or no money; this was a period of change and character building, making me the person I am today – frugal, astute, wiser and mature, all traits I had lacked before.

    The new life we had worked so hard to achieve in Spain, applying for residencia and becoming a Spanish resident, had all turned to dust. On the day I left Spain for the last time, I was glad to be on my way, not because I disliked Spain, but because of the circumstances that surrounded my departure. If you ask anyone I knew at the time, they will testify as to my desire to integrate into Spanish life and really make a fresh start; the day I flew home, reinforced my failure for a dream that never materialised.

    Today, nearly five years after we left for Spain, I am still living through the turmoil and upheaval that illness has wrought on our relationship. Four years on, Darrell's Mother is still battling cancer, and he is still in Australia, only this time, unable to return to the UK when he wants; this is a scenario that is beginning to impact my psyche and I have got to a point where I want my husband home, despite knowing that will not happen anytime soon.

    It sounds selfish doesn’t it, wanting Darrell to return home because you miss them, yet in reality their place is with their Mother, who is suffering from Cancer. I can only say that as we move into 2021, I feel my life has been put on hold for long enough and I need to get back the sense of purpose I lost a lifetime ago.

    I don’t think Darrell was particularly happy with certain aspects of my argument. We both find ourselves in a very precarious situation and arguing about events that now engulf our life is not the necessarily helpful today. After all neither of us can change what is happening in the World, despite negatively impacting on our own personal positions, which remain uncompromising. However, we still have to discuss matters that continue to shape our direction and I make no apologies for doing so.

    As a couple, we will survive this period, because ultimately we have the same goal in life, to be together, happy and content, living the life, we both still dream about. The journey getting there is likely to remain bumpy for now, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight for the uneasiness we are living through and I foresee a rocky future in the medium term. Until we get the answers we need from officials, we will have to continue fighting in the dark. The Home Office remain quiet, unable or unwilling to give us answers; solicitors are still very much oblivious as to what cause of action is best and borders remain closed. As the COVID vaccines begin to roll off the production line and the World begins to open up, we are planning a May reunion together, unless once again circumstances dictate otherwise, only time will tell!
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
  • Published on

    November Rain!

    Cancer letters-of-hope Milestones Relationships
    Picture
    Well it's been 10 days since I put fingers to keys and thank you if you took time out to read it.

    When I wrote that first piece I was back to my lowest. I felt very despondent and alone. My thoughts were extremely dark and unhealthy. No matter what life has thrown at me I have always had my humour but even that abandoned me. Laughter is so important and I seemed to have forgotten what mine sounds like.

    November always used to be such a fun month for me. Bonfire night, birthday celebrations and Christmas not far away. I was always like an excitable child at this time of year. We would have Bonfire parties with our neighbours and good friends. They were always so much fun for the children and grown ups. We would BBQ, the children would play and the adults would talk, laugh and sing badly. The guys would sort the bonfire and let off the fireworks (apparently that's a man's job along with the BBQ 🙄) - very happy times indeed!

    My husband always had a thing for fire and fireworks. He wasn't a pyromaniac or an arsonist (although he was caught as a child trying to build a bonfire in his Nan's front room). Normally so chilled out, relaxed and quite reserved, he wasn't one for getting excited about Christmas or birthdays but he did love Bonfire night. So it's quite ironic that this is the day he passed away.

    He became ill in February 2016. Just pain in the right side of his chest he didn't grumble or complain but he did take himself off to the doctor which was unheard of for him.

    He was given an x-ray, painkillers and sent home. As the weeks went by he was getting worse, the painkillers did nothing to ease him. Back to the doctors, stronger pain killers, still they didn't help. More weeks went by, I was incredibly worried he was getting worse. One night at the beginning of April the pain was unbearable for him, his skin was grey and his lips were going blue. I called 999.

    He had 12 further emergency admittances by ambulance from April until the end of May. He was initially told he had an infection and was given co-codamol. He was mis-diagnosed again in the beginning of April.

    I went into fight mode. I knew this man better than anyone. He was ill and in so much pain, he was on a morphine driver and about to be discharged from hospital with no answers. I logged a formal complaint with the CEO of the hospital. (I also refused to leave the hospital until I was heard). It worked! They phoned the following day. There had been an oversight, somebody had not read his x ray correctly. An emergency same day appointment given. After numerous scans and tests we saw a Respiratory consultant who finally gave an opinion on what it could be. Cancer!

    A shock but finally we were getting somewhere. He could beat this. I had 3 years previously and he was much stronger than me. We just needed to get results and get a plan of action.

    Again the weeks went past, the pain couldn't be managed at home so at the beginning of May he was admitted yet again. He came home for our son's 12th birthday then back in hospital the next day. They had him on some pretty heavy pain killers, morphine and ketamine yet nothing was giving him relief. Things got so bad I moved into the hospital. A camp bed in his room was where I slept for nearly a month.

    Why is it the worst memories are the ones you can recount second by second, blow by devastating blow? I can remember every detail of that day. The day we were told he had Mesothelioma (a terminal asbestos caused cancer). The day my world changed forever.

    We had met 22 years earlier. I was a guarded 20 year old who had been through an extremely abusive relationship for 7 years and was in no way looking for a new one. He was gorgeous! Tall, dark, handsome and oblivious to it. He had no idea of the reaction he would get from women when he walked in a room. He had the most beautiful blue eyes and his smile could make my insides turn to jelly (really cheesy I know, but so true). We got on amazingly. We would sit talking all through the night. Laugh, joke and wind each other up in the funniest ways. Every night after work for about 3 months he would ask to take me out. Every night I said no. On December 8th 1995 that changed and we decided to give it a try.

    It worked! We were just a normal couple. Happy, in love and having fun. He proposed about 9 months later. I said yes but we never set a date. We didn't need to. We loved each other. We were happy as we were. The kids came along, we owned a house, we both had good jobs. Life was good.

    I loved our little family. I also looked forward to the future when the kids were grown and we could enjoy time together again. In the blink of an eye all of that was taken away. In the length of time it took for the consultant to give the diagnosis, our future vanished. I was destroyed. My strong fit gorgeous man was dying.

    I don't think I've ever talked to anyone about how I felt that day. So many feelings and emotions. I felt that I had been picked up, spun round and dropped on my head. I didn't cry at first. I think I was numb with disbelief. In total denial. I was not ready to accept there was nothing they could do for him. I was not prepared to lose the man I loved, the father of my children, a man who still had so much life to live. I had never given up or quit on anything before and I certainly wasn't going to now. Fight mode kicked in again.

    I didn't know what to do. All I could do was hope. Hope for a miracle, a chance, anything. The consultant mentioned a trial, yes, hope! It was being run by Guys and St Thomas hospital in London. I would have to move up there for the duration (several months) but that was ok. He was from London. All his family were there. Yes! Finally a solution. My mind was running at a million miles per hour. (I cannot even comprehend what was going through his head). Before we left the hospital that day I had already mentally packed and had it straight in my head what we were going to do. That was so much easier than trying to process the other outcome.

    This was going to work! We were going to beat this!

    He needed chemotherapy to slow down the disease as they wouldn't accept him on the trial if it got beyond a certain point. We just had to be patient and wait. And wait! And wait! The weeks dragged on. He was in so much pain. It had already broken 2 of his ribs. He was on so many heavy duty drugs but nothing touched that pain.

    We were advised by the hospital that if we wanted to get married we needed to do it ASAP. A special licence was granted and in June we were married in his room at the hospital in our jeans and T-shirts, with our children, family and my best friend there. It was perfect! The nurses had put banners up and came in and threw confetti. The dinner ladies bought us a cake and a bottle of wine and the consultant bought us our only wedding present. A set of Mr and Mrs mugs. It didn't matter that I didn't have a dress or a party. All that mattered was us. We spent our first night as man and wife in separate beds which did make us laugh. Despite what was happening we somehow managed to keep our sense of humour although it got more warped than usual on occasion.

    He was finally allowed to come home with The Rowans Hospice taking over his pain management. They were amazing. I can honestly say I would not have survived without them.

    Chemo started at the beginning of July the first of 6 doses. I still don't know why it took so long to start. If only they had started it straight away.! We knew the trial was our only hope and even if accepted there was no guarantee of success. But hope kept us going. He was taken in to The Rowans for pain management. It was during the second stay he had his third round of Chemo and was sent for a CT scan. The results were devastating. He could not be accepted for the trial. They wanted to try radiotherapy to give us time but all hope had gone. After I left him at the hospice that night I cried like I have never cried before. I felt physical pain and was violently sick. I wanted to scream but the children were in bed, I couldn't wake them. Oh no! How on earth do we tell them? I have never before or since been so scared. I was sitting alone in our house. Everything looked normal but nothing was. The next morning I opened a letter. It was dated the day before the scan. He had been accepted on the trial. I tore that damn letter to tiny pieces, burnt it and never spoke of it to him.

    He had radiotherapy several times. Another scan confirmed it hadn't worked and I think that was the point when he accepted what was happening to him. This strong, beautiful courageous man broke down and sobbed. Not for himself but for our children, his mum, our family and for me and all I could do was hold him. I felt utterly useless. After that he declined quickly. He went back to The Rowans and on the day of our eldest child's 18th birthday he begged the doctors to end it. He couldn't take the pain anymore. He was exhausted. With no hope he had nothing left.
    They sedated him just under 2 weeks later and on Saturday 5th November 2016 just as the fireworks started the man I loved passed peacefully away.

    We have just had the fourth anniversary. So why after four years has this year been so hard? My daughter said it was harder for her this year than any other due to what is happening in the world and in part I have to agree. Since last November I have had my first relationship since losing my husband, it started so well and recently ended so badly. I've been through a change in my work environment (like many others) to a complete change of job and with a few hiccups in my home, health and family, everything has snowballed. I cannot wait to see the back of 2020.

    After sending my first ramblings I opened up to a friend, I held nothing back (this is still new to me, telling people how I honestly feel, not just pretending to be ok). He was shocked and saddened to know I had been feeling this way. Even when he last saw me two days before lockdown when we were drunk dancing in my kitchen he had no idea. I hid it well. I guess I am tired of hiding it now. It's exhausting pretending you are ok when you really are not. I'm a pleaser and a fixer by nature and I don't want to worry people or make them miserable with my troubles which is why I keep it in and let it fester. Although very unhealthy.

    I have made a plan for the next two weeks. I am lucky enough to still be working so keeping busy isn't an issue. I am getting my daughter's old bike and this weekend I will be wobbling around the local parks and cycle tracks (I may need stabilizers, it's been about 28 years since I last rode a bike). I have lost nearly a stone in weight in the past month, not through diet, and I am determined it will stay off.

    I have also started to write down everyday 2 positive things from what has happened that day and when I feel low I look at those as a reminder life is not all negative.

    One of my favourite songs is November Rain. It played on the radio today whilst it was extremely miserable outside. The song holds many good memories for me, as well as being played at my husband's funeral. In many ways it's such a sad song but there are two lines, 'Cause nothin' lasts forever. Even cold November rain. I smiled as it played thinking of good times and the irony of how cold and wet it was outside. I am taking the positive from those lines. The bad times won't last forever and the weather will eventually improve.
  • Published on

    Surviving The Storm!

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    It's been a busy week, I literally haven't stopped working; despite being furloughed from The Newcome, I now find I have far more to do than usual. Working in a supermarket, I am fully aware of just how vivacious it is becoming. We are of course one of the few retail outlets allowed to open, so there is an abnormally high number of customers passing through the doors on a daily basis. That in itself presents its own unique challenges, as all of us try and protect ourselves as best we can. It is a sign of the times, when masks are issued as part of a work uniform and social distancing becomes a part of all our lives. I am a fanatical sanitizer, trying my best to keep my hands cleansed after each and every customer I serve. Mask wearing has also become pretty much standard and keeping one on for the duration of a nine-hour shift, has become easier to bear. If it wasn't for my glasses steaming up, I would be quite happy with the arrangement.

    During those rare moments, I do actually get some free time, I have been watching the latest series of 'The Crown,' a drama I have been enjoying on Netflix, chronicling the Queen, her family and the Monarchy, during the course of her reign. The latest chapter documents the late 1970s early 80s, including the rise and fall of Margaret Thatcher; a period I remember well and an unforgettable crossroads in my life. Its delineation of characters, still vivid after so long, seemed to be pretty accurate, based on my own recollections of the period. I was transported back in time to a decade I remember with fondness and trepidation in equal measure.

    Escaping from the pandemic has been important. You can quite easily become overwhelmed and consumed with the daily news briefings, soaring death rates and the depressive nature of illness. As someone who suffers from health anxiety it is particularly difficult to block out the seriousness of the situation we are all living through, but I am nevertheless trying to do my best. Unlike the rest of the population, I am still seeing my Doctor, attending surgery and outpatient departments and doing what I can to keep my health in check. As I sat in hospital on Monday, I thought to myself how easy it is to see a consultant these days. I am in and out of an appointment within half an hour, instead of waiting around all day for minor procedures that are now easier to book than they were before.

    It is scary to think, that people are avoiding seeing their clinician. Many are too worried to enter a hospital, avoid leaving home or do not want to burden the health service, but it is important all of us do, especially men, who traditionally find it difficult to see a GP in the first place. During this second wave, it has been straightforward gaining access to services and consultations and my levels of anxiety are far lower than they were during the first. I have several more sessions booked and am finally looking forward to getting to the bottom of the numerous ailments and conditions that dominate my life.

    I am doing my utmost to carry on as normal, after all I work in a large store and certainly can't hide from the World and pandemic swirling around me. Coming to terms with my own fears was a natural first step in accepting my lot in life at the moment. I do have so much apprehension, unease and concerns about COVID, but I can't let it consume my every waking hour; as long as I keep working hard, do what I can to meditate and relax, keep healthy, and stay ahead of the curve, I hope to survive in relatively good health until vaccination day, probably in the spring of 2021. With the number of infections starting to level off and deaths showing signs of slowing, I hope it won't be too long before life returns to normal. I look forward to a time when the masks come off, the sanitizer is put away, smiling and happiness returns, and all of us embrace one another, fondly,  once again!
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
  • Published on

    My Christmas Wish - Angela Day!

    Picture
    Picture
    My Christmas wish is to have hope. We need faith; the world is constantly changing just like our lives, our rainbow will come when the sunlight breaks through rain clouds.
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
  • Published on

    My Christmas Wish - Carrie-Anne Reeds

    Picture
    Picture
    My main wish would be for my family to be happy, safe and healthy, and on a bigger scale, for the world to be more kind, less judgemental place to live in. We all need to be thankful more than ever, of what brings joy to our lives and to live it to the fullest, as best we can. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised, we only have the present.
    Picture
    Picture