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    The Day In-Between!

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    This Is my day in between. It should be a day for lazy luxuriating. I should be sitting serenely, feet up, perhaps lost in the vivid fantasy of a book, languishing in its words. Perhaps I should be surveying our beautiful garden, with a nice crisp chianti at my side.

    A snap shower a few weeks ago, akin to an ice bucket challenge, drenched our usually arid Verdi, so today, the beautifully mature trees look replenished with new pert green growth. I should be smiling up to the powder blue sky, admiring the few wisps of hazy cloud. Soft yet billowing cotton wool is building on the horizon, bathed by an array of pink yellow and orange as the sun majestically rises. These things should be making me smile. but alas not. Why? You say. Well, My home is in Spain. I moved here 8-months ago, retiring early to enjoy a more relaxing and serene life. My first 5-months were spent adapting to what is a glorious culture, creating a beautiful home and orientating to a more blissful relaxing way of life. However, all is not so serene! As my house has become a non profit making entity. A Hotel it seems!

    During the hot arid summer, our home is descended upon by family and friends, seeking relaxing sunshine filled full days and nights! In fact, in the last 60 days odd days, less than 3 weeks have been devoid of visitors; but this was high season. It’s a time where our sleepy hometown of La Marina is descended upon by the flip flop wearing, loud alcohol bathed fraternity whooping in glorious delight, day and night, it’s when our usually sleepy town echos the splashing and screaming of children and their families in their pools, when the bars and restaurants are full. There was many a stunning fiesta during this time, with spectacular parades celebrating the virgin that is Mary, toe tapping music events and so many late, merry, nights that we (my lovely hubby, and I) are just not used to! On the mornings that followed, I awoke with a delicate head, feeling like I’d slept adorned by a thorny crown. Thank Mary the fiestas have now abated! Reflecting on our first summer here .

    I liken my home to a birds nest. It sits on top of a mature oak, surrounded by a swath of leaves that are tussled by soft kisses from the gentle breeze. We worked hard to build it sturdily, like parent sparrows creating a solid, comfortable foundation in which to live, with only the best soft downy feather lining to ensure that we are comfortable and able to ‘nest and rest’ together; but then come our feathered friends. It’s delightful when the Beautiful blackbirds, with their established wings drop in to Pearce on the edge of our nest, bringing their joyful songs, and fun antics, sharing in the delights of an odd insect or two. We often flit back and forth between our and their nests, which is fun.

    There are of course the magpies! Loud, crawling and demanding, looking for free shiny opportunities to sit in our beautiful nest, fortunately, they are unable to land. The branches are too entwined, and they soon loose interest, having bought no bugs with them. Then there are our young, beautiful chicks. Delightfully loud, taking over the nest and flapping about on their immature wings, opening their vivid yellow mouths to demand our attention, bugs and entertainment. Like good birds, we fly back and forth, sometimes aimlessly, providing whatever their most recent demand is. Don’t get me wrong most of the time it is a pleasure! For short periods and definitely not concurrently!

    Our two chicks are so needy of love and life in different ways. One, squawks loudly. Not wanting just a simple grub, but having a preference for the more piquant caterpillars and dragonflies. She sits snugly and happily in the nest, but it’s not long before she flutters her humming bird wings, sings loudly to her adoring audience, and returns to her own nest. The other, likes to snuggle and stay in comfort, as with all chicks, however, he has to fly, with some resistance back to his own nest. Recently, he jumped out. And sits on the soft leaf covered forest floor, crouched down in the undergrowth, back turned, casting only a brief glimpse back at us with his deep black shiny eye. He’s not squawking, tweeting or singing right now, feeling somewhat abandoned. But I’m sure this will improve when he builds his own feather lined nest. I do also know a few lovely fluffy emu and even a beautiful pink flamingo or two, but sadly they often can’t reach our nest. Which is a shame. I wonder, what type of bird you are?

    So back to my day in between. It’s the afternoon already; my doggies have had a lovely walk on the sunshiny beach. A mammoth pile of washing dominates, which I am giving attention to and I’ve fetched some tempting bugs to fill the forever emptying fridge. I haven’t yet finished my nest hotel chores! There is still further foraging to do, feathers to put away, dinners to cook and even more washing in the pile, so my aspirations for my ‘day in-between!’

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    Happy Places!

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    I have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years, which I cope with remarkably well these days. When people look at you, they don't really see the full story. On the surface I am a happy, cheerful and accommodating person, deep down, I am nothing but. Those who are closest to me, understand the difficulties I go through, but unless you live in my body, you will never fully appreciate the depression that makes me who I am.

    There are many reasons why I have depression, many of which have been discussed in this and other blogs I have written, but the biggest factor in why I am the individual I am, is really my sexuality. I never used to like who I was; as a child growing up gay, I was always aware of my differences and realised I was different from most of my peers, consequently, I have always found friendships difficult, afraid that being gay would influence others views of me. For most of my childhood, I kept myself, very much to myself and led a very insular life as a result. When you are hiding a secret, the last thing you want is people knowing who you really are.

    Depression brought about from bullying, loneliness and an inability to be myself dominated my life for years and the truth is I have never really recovered from it, still experiencing depressive episodes today. I have however learnt to cope with dark moods and outwardly you would never see the cloud that hovers above me.

    For the first time in my life, I am actually doing what I want to do and not what others expect of me. Importantly, I don't have just one job, I actually have three, this way I find each day is different and I don't ever feel unfulfilled. Working in a supermarket, behind a bar and volunteering, together give me a sense of satisfaction, that I have never felt before. These positions bring out contrasting sides of my personality and I am able to enjoy each day, knowing that tomorrow will be different. If I am not working, I am blogging and writing, which also allows me to concentrate on myself, my lonely side, the selfish, self indulgent part of my personality, that details my inner thoughts and feelings, the side of me that people read about each day in this blog. Blogging is the most positive aspect of my life, but it isn't something I could do everyday. Being wrapped up in ones own sense of self importance is a sure way to detach oneself from the reality of life. I have been there before and suffered as a result.

    Of course the happiest places are those spent with other people. At Cancer Research I am surrounded by friends. Everyone I work with in Commercial Road are now close and I hold them in the highest regard. These benevolent people have given me a sense of purpose in my endeavours, witnessing the best side of human nature. Their advice and conversation has got me through some very testing times over the last year and a half and without them I could well have sunk to new lows.

    Equally colleagues and customers at The Newcome have also become close comrades and people I enjoy spending time with. The evening I work behind the bar in this backstreet pub, are always enjoyable and something I look forward to. People often turn round to me and ask 'why do you work so damn hard, why don't you just take a step back and relax a bit more?' The only answer I can give, is because I am genuinely happy with my lot in life and that is all that matters. I spent far too long in the past dealing with episodes of depression; now I have learnt to deal with it, I am going to make the most of however long I have left!

    My life really hasn't been easy or conventional. I have had to deal with a lot of emotional stress which has taken a massive toll on my physical well-being. Many of the ailments I have today are  a direct result of the disadvantages I endured in the past. I was part of the last generation of homosexuals to be discriminated against for being who they were and this was a major stumbling block in coping with life. Happiness and contentment, not money and prestige are the most important factors when determining my direction now. Doing things that allow me to finally be the person I want to be is worth all the tea in China. Growing up feeling abandoned by society is hard, but I am pleased I have finally found a way to deal with the demons of the past and am at last enjoying the life I should have had!
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    Urgent Appeal For Help - Katie Stewardson, Floods in Spain!

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    I am making an urgent appeal for my friend Katie Stewardson. I met Katie while living in Spain. Katie became a close friend and has even written for Roaming Brit. A few days ago Katie and her family, including her two week old son Sebastián were evacuated from their Southern Spanish home, after their property flooded along with thousands of others in the region. Katie is now trying to raise money for the local community who have lost everything, trying to ensure animals and livestock are re-homed and looked after, following the worst storms to hit Spain in a century. Katie has asked me to advertise this plea for help, so she and other victims can start to rebuild their lives!

    Please click on the 'Go Fund Me' picture below, to take you to her appeal!
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    "Our farm was hit bad by the flooding of the 'south eastern Spanish gota fria.' Paddocks are flooded and sheds are destroyed, the kennels for the dogs are non existent and they have no shelter. We are not the only ones affected .

    We are fundrasing to build new kennels for the dogs and new shelters for the goats at our finca. We are also fundraising for other fincas and shelters in the same mess as us.

    Dog food to buy. Beds etc

    Please help if you can, every little counts to remaking homes for the animals."
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    Asian Adventure - Exploring Siem Reap, 12 May 2019!

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    La Rivière d' Angkor Resort

    After our late arrival from South Korea last night, I was expecting a bit of a lie in this morning - No such luck. My body clock decided to wake me up bright an early, after a fantastic nights sleep in the most comfy of beds. The mosquito nets worked a treat, I didn't get bitten once and there were no large spiders crawling across my face, who could ask for more. I could hear the birds singing in the tropical gardens of the hotel outside and a few unusual wildlife sounds downstairs, Not noises I had heard before, but all part of the excitement of exploring a new country.

    I checked the bathroom thoroughly for snakes and insects that could have been lurking under toilet seats or in shower heads, then  had a rather relaxing soak in the large granite bath. The water was warm and inviting and the tranquil setting perfect. This was the first bath I had had since leaving the UK and was going to make the most of it; after all the walking over the last few weeks, it was just what I needed. Sadly I was unable to remove the plug from the bath after jamming it in the hole a little too hard; a job for reception!!

    My Aunt and I made our way downstairs and outside where we had a brief chat with the receptionist, who said they would come and fix the bath while we were at breakfast, which was a short walk around the pool and into the restaurant. The atmosphere was distinctly colonial, sitting on the veranda tucking into a traditional 'English' affair with a slight Cambodian touch. The staff were attentive and extremely gracious, catering for our every need; this was most certainly five star luxury at its best! As I sat there taking in the surroundings, I was struck by the intense heat, so different to where we had been before and the gecko's adorning the walls!

    We made our way back to the room, to grab our bags for the day ahead and bumped into a Cambodian bobtail cat, feeding her kittens outside one of the hotel rooms. This made the hotel even more special. As a cat lover, I am always happy to have our feline friends close, they were a warming addition to our stay at La Rivière d' Angkor Resort.


    Buddhist Retreat
    Leaving the compound of the hotel, we were greeted by a busy, somewhat chaotic scene. Traffic, bikes, tuk tuk's and locals on foot, heading in all directions. In front of the resort, a large river, flowing through the city of Siem Reap. Families with children, the occasional tourist and others, all enjoying the morning heat, which by now, at 9am had already reached thirty degrees.

    We turned right and began to walk up the road, not knowing where we were heading, but just taking in the sites, smells and sounds of the beautiful place. I was in awe of this historic paradise but a little apprehensive of what we might find around each corner. As we sauntered gently towards what we believed to be the centre of town, we were approached by a tuk tuk driver called Thomas, who followed us up the road, trying to persuade us to take a tour of the city. Saying no to a tuk tuk driver is near impossible, but we persisted, until we passed a Buddhist retreat and went inside, followed by Thomas, who parked up, as we walked eagerly around.

    This complex was a fusion of colour, unbelievable architecture and a hive of activity. Men, wearing  traditional Buddhist attire, cleaning, sweeping and feeding animals, cats and dogs alike. Small children running around, amusing themselves as best they could and large cauldrons of food, gently simmering over fires, outside run down ramshackled dwellings, hidden behind trees and bushes, creating a little modesty for those who lived inside.  A stray kitten, who looked terribly ill, started to follow me as I walked around the dusty courtyards, meowing helplessly, yet there was nothing I could do. It is so upsetting seeing how animals are treated in Cambodia and other Asian countries, but as I was told, these are poor people who can barely look after themselves, let alone feed animals. All I could do was spend a few moments, taking time to talk gently to this poor creature, hoping it wouldn't be too long, before he or she passed quietly away. This is the side of Asia, I will never get used to.


    Royal Palace - Siem Reap
    Thomas was waiting for us, as we left the retreat and we both decided to take a tour of Siem Reap in his tuk tuk; it was easier, than trying to avoid him and the other drivers, all vying for the lucrative tourist market. We agreed a price of twenty American dollars for the journey and set off to our first destination. Everything in Cambodia is paid for in dollars. Local currency fluctuations are so great, that the stable US green back is the best way to pay for goods and services. All major banks supply dollars and ATM's are stocked also. It did seem a rather odd practice to me, but Cambodia functions perfectly well and certainly doesn't seem to be at any disadvantage as a consequence.

    Driving along the busy, tumultuous streets, dodging cars and other tuk tuks, we eventually reached at our first destination - The Royal Palace. We had arrived during celebrations for the King of Cambodia's Birthday and the roads and buildings were highly decorated in homage to His Majesty. It was a public holiday and there were people everywhere as we took a leisurely walk around the Royal enclosure and temples, as well as the many stalls selling everything from live turtles and birds to tropical fresh fruit and vegetables. The subjects of this deeply Conservative nation, were dressed accordingly, not a pair of shorts in sight. Many lit candles at the temple opposite the palace, offering a prayer for those they had lost and others waited patiently in queues for their turn to enter the Kings estate. This was a spectacle to behold, not an angry voice in site, everyone just happy to be together, celebrating their beloved Kings Birthday.


    The Killing Fields - Siem Reap
    Our next stop was the Siem Reap Killing fields, where many people lost their lives under the regime of Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge between 1975-79. This was a deeply moving place, where religious icons and statues nestled quietly, next to the graves, skulls and remains of those who died. As one walked around, one was struck by the silence and run down nature of this eerie, chilling place. Buddhist monks gently bowed their heads as one walked past and more feral bobtail cats and stray dogs fought for their place in the hierarchy of this monument to the evil. Once again I was left rather empty by our visit; something we had to do, but a part of Cambodian recent history that is difficult to comprehend!

    Local Handicrafts
    During out tour of Siem Reap, Thomas took us to many local handicraft establishments, where we could buy local souvenirs to take home. The photographs above show one such workshop, where disabled veterans from the war with the Khmer Rough, quietly sit, producing some truly wonderful works of art. Of course like many of the studios we visited, the items were terribly overpriced and it was doubtful these people received much recompense for all their hard work. I bought a few items of interest and left, feeling a little sad that this was the only way these poor disabled workers could make a few dollars.

    Until you visit a place like Cambodia, you really have no idea how others live and have to survive, without the luxuries we have here in the west. Thomas took us to these small shops because he was able to then fund his own business driving a tuk tuk, given money for fuel by the owners for taking tourists, like my Aunt and I, to their businesses; a very different World and unforgiving place to survive.

    War Memorial
    Finally Thomas took us to the Siem Reap War Memorial. Another strangely poignant place, bringing Cambodia's tainted past to life. A few moments contemplation, surrounded by the names of the fallen, brought to an end an eye opening first day in the city, before we hit the town for a few drinks at the famous Pub Street!

    Pub Street
    Thomas dropped us off at the hotel, where we spent an hour freshening up before heading to the notorious Pub Street in the heart of the City. As the name suggests, this is an area full of bars and clubs, cheap drinks and food in a vibrant, characterful environment. The place was teaming with tourists, backpackers and what I can only describe as alternative types, all enjoying the last of the sun, before the evening crowds took over.

    My Aunt and I had a few beers in a local bar, costing a rather agreeable fifty cents. Sitting there I was amazed by the sites and sounds around me, experiences I had never seen before. Snakes in glass cases sold for food, Crocodile burgers across the road and various insects on sticks, deep fried ready to be eaten. The smell of the streets could be rather overpowering at times, with raw sewage and rats commonplace, but it really didn't matter on the scale of things, this is what gave Siem Reap its magical third World charm.

    In the evening we gate crashed a Gay Pride Celebration in a nearby hotel, a rather constrained affair, not something I was used to! Sat drinking beers on the tropical roof terrace of this palatial building, surrounded by the great and good of Siem Reaps gay community, mainly consisting of older white men and young Cambodian boys, both my Aunt and I felt rather out of place and left early. Tomorrow was going to be another long day; it was time to get some sleep!

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    9/11 - The Day We Left Innocence Behind!

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    The sun was streaming through the café window, as I finished making the last of the sandwiches for the afternoon rush. I walked over to the tables at the front, overlooking the forecourt and straightened the plastic chequered tablecloths, wiping down the surfaces with a damp tea towel and clearing the last of the breakfast plates. I looked out of the large expanse of glass; the petrol pumps at the garage were beginning to fill, with busy customers heading into Salisbury. Monika, the lady who lived in the bungalow next door, walked sternly past, waving briefly as she saw my face. I smiled, courteously as ever, giving a customary salute, as I always did when I saw her. Tables, finally tip-top and Bristol fashion, I popped into the garage, just to make sure everything was alright. Darrell was on the console, chatting to Mr Green from the village, who was pointing out an article in the Salisbury Journal, which made them both laugh out loud. I caught Darrell's eye, who gave me the thumbs up, all was well, so I headed back into the café!

    It was time to do the washing up, which was by now piled high on the draining board. After making fifty sandwiches, I was feeling a little tired to say the least. I took a Coke from the fridge behind the counter and gulped down the contents in one, without even stopping. After wiping my mouth clean with some kitchen towel, I filled the sink with hot water; marigolds on, I started to wash the plates!

    The television was on in the corner of the diner, just above the comfy couches, used by customers to drink their coffee, relaxing, watching a spot of TV before they continued on their journey. The Pitstop Café was a stopping point for motorists heading to and from Salisbury on the busy A36. We were very much a part of  local village life, a tiny cog in the fabric of Brickworth, a  hamlet on the Hampshire/Wiltshire boarder. A small family enterprise, Darrell and I enjoyed being part of the local community. This was a happy, industrious time for us and we both enjoyed the relative peace and quiet, running a business in a setting we appreciated! Our comfortable existence, was about to be disrupted by events, that neither of us could have foreseen.

    It was getting on for 1pm when a news flash interrupted normal viewing on the TV. Hands wet, I heard the announcement on BBC1 and turned around, shaking the soap suds from my rubber gloves as I watched the unfolding drama, playing out before my eyes. A plane had hit one of the World Trade Centre buildings in New York, smoke was bellowing upwards as flames illuminated the gaping chasm on the side of the building. I took my gloves off and walked over to the TV set, sitting down, eyes glued to what was going on. It must have been a plane crash, how awful for everyone involved, what a terrible thing to happen.

    Shortly afterwards, a second plane crashed headlong into the other tower, a plume of debris filled the air; this was no ordinary accident, this was clearly an orchestrated attack. I sat there in horror, watching a travesty of monumental proportions develop. Shocked at what was going on in New York, feeling emotional, I walked over to the entrance to the café and cordoned it off. There was just one customer having a cup of tea, and we both watched silently as the minutes passed.

    Darrell walked into the Café, asking what was going on; I just pointed to the television! Standing there briefly, transfixed, he turned quietly, heading back into the shop. I could hear the customers discussing events in America, several popped their heads around the door, watching for a few moments, aghast, in disbelief, looking on in horror unable to comprehend the pictures on the screen.  After a brief conversation  the single  customer left; not a regular, but a businessman passing through, lingering a little longer than he would have done. He patted me on the back, 'I'll always remember this day!' he said, waving goodbye as he left. No words crossed my lips as I acknowledged his departure, nodding my head ever so slightly! My mind was elsewhere, as my anxiety increased, realising New York was under attack!

    Half an hour later, a plane crashed into The Pentagon and The White House was evacuated. The news was coming in thick and fast, more and more unbelievable each time. Then, just as I got up to use the toilet, the South Tower collapsed live on television; immediately I sat back down. Newscasters, reporters, and cameramen looked shell shocked as the circumstances of these attacks became clear; a few moments later, another hijacked plane crashed into a field on route to Washington. This was a day like no other. As a viewer looking in, I sat there and shed a tear. People trapped in burning skyscrapers waving whatever they could, trying to attract the attention of the emergency services. Others jumping from top floor windows, trying to escape the flames, falling to their deaths and great clouds of smoke engulfing city streets, as both towers finally collapsed.

    I must have watched the television for hours, far into the night, as the full gravity of what I had just witnessed hit home. These were events that would shape not only my life but everyone else's, even today in 2019. The ramifications of 9/11 were wide and enduring; war, terrorist attacks, violence, and death became common place, frequently emblazoned across our TV screens, most of us by now immune to the destruction that had become an almost daily occurrence. 9/11 was the beginning of a new World, which left innocence behind. Over three thousand lives were  lost during and after the attacks and like many others I remember that Tuesday with consternation. This was the day I realised just what humans can do to one another, without a care for the lives they expelled. This was the day, I finally woke up and became aware of man's inhumanity to man!

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    Back In The Fold!

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    It was back to the Cancer Research fold today, after a few weeks break. Not only have I been busy, working everyday for over a fortnight, but I have had a few personal issues to sort out. It really felt good to be back with the gang, even though I did find it hard.

    Let me explain...

    ...On Thursday I was put on beta blockers, a drug that slows your heart rate down. As a person, I have always suffered with anxiety, nothing major, but enough of an issue to see my Doctor about. On top of this, I have had some blood pressure and heart issues, culminating in a rather high heart rate of 198 beats per minute. After explaining my concerns to my GP, she suggested taking beta blockers, they not only slow your heart down but also help deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety. Well I duly followed her advice and started a course of Propranolol on Thursday; 40 mg up to three times a day, hoping to at least start dealing with the concerns I currently have.

    I have been in a little bit of a daze since taking these pills and have found adjusting to them rather difficult, but understand it is important to carry on taking the medication. Today with my heart rate down to 55 beats a minute, I made my way to Cancer Research to begin a few hours work, hoping to overcome the side effects I am suffering. Being around Zerina and everyone who work there is always a tonic and I got through the day remarkably well, despite feeling lightheaded and rather unsteady at times. I have reduced the dose of Propranolol I am taking, from 40mg to 10mg, hoping to gradually increase the level administered over the next few weeks. I really am not enjoying the ghastly aftermath these tablets are causing, but am sure it will change in time.

    Interestingly another volunteer was able to reassure me about beta blockers, explaining his difficulties using them himself, allowing me to breath a sigh of relief somewhat, understanding more about just how this medication works. For a time this morning I was concerned my heart was beating far too slowly, but believe this is all part of the initial stages of 'bedding in,' as my body gets used to its new regime. The advice I was given today has lifted my mood and allowed me to look forward positively, trying to focus on the bigger picture, rather than panicking about the side effects.

    Being around the team at Cancer Research was a joy this Monday, lifting ones spirits at an onerous time; enjoying the company of friends, dressing up and in lighthearted mood, I was able to put my problems on the back burner. Laughter is the biggest medicine of all, better than all the beta blockers in the World, so it's the most important time of the week for me, a time that I will always cherish fondly, making money for good causes, memories for today and affording meaning where there was none; there's no better pay packet than that!
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