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    Content With Who I Am!

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    It has been a difficult week, one that I would rather forget if I am honest, but like all setbacks in life I just have to pick up the pieces and move on. Work has been particularly busy over the last seven days and I have had very little time to myself, but that is my saving grace during times of stress. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and tell people where to go. After a sixteen-hour day yesterday I am feeling tired and exhausted and just want to sleep and unwind. My IBS is so chronic right now, it is preventing me from doing things I want to do and this is the lowest I have felt in a long, long time. IBS, Diverticular Disease, Prostatitis and severe back pain, are taking their toll on my well-being and I just want the pain I am feeling on a daily basis to end.

    I was recently referred to the Hospital for yet another sigmoidoscopy and endoscopy so my Doctor could try and discover what is going on with me, but with this pandemic still raging, it isn't to be. The endoscopy has been cancelled due to COVID, probably because of the backlog of patients needing similar procedures and the sigmoidoscopy would require a total of four weeks self-isolation, which isn't possible. Like most people I have to work and can not afford to take that amount of time off. On a positive note, I have been referred for an ultrasound,     after months of wrangling with my local GP practice. If you need something bad enough, especially medically, you really do have to fight for it in this country, but at least my efforts have finally paid off. I really just want to feel normal again.

    Emotionally I am feeling drained and depressed; I haven’t felt this melancholy in a long time and it has of course impacted on my physical health, with my IBS reaching chronic levels. No amount of medication is helping, and I am going through each day feeling sicker and sicker. My emotional state of mind has taken a knock this week as well, after a particular stressful and upsetting conversation, centred around my choices in life, which haven’t always been the best. However, they were my preferences to make and not up for negotiation with anyone else.

    In 2015 Darrell and I moved to Spain to start a fresh after one of the most traumatic periods in our life. A prolonged period of bullying, intimidation and abuse from our previous employer and the resulting isolation and depression had made us think the unthinkable and start again, away from the memories that had so damaged us. Darrell and I were very much alone at the time and after being rejected by those closest, we decided it was time to go and get on with the rest of our life together. Despite Darrell's Mother’s cancer diagnosis, shortly after our arrival in Spain, throwing our plans into chaos, I still regard this period as one of the happiest we have ever had as a couple.

    Both Darrell and I felt at home in Gran Alacant, safe away from the pressures of life we had left behind and content with our more simple, frugal lifestyle. Spain was good for us both on so many levels and great for the soul. We met many wonderful characters, many of whom remain friends today and unlike the UK, we felt a part of a community, who in the main looked out for one another, especially when the chips were down. Everyone who lived there from the Expat community had a story to tell, many tales not dissimilar to our own and it was comforting to be around people who understood the difficulties we faced, able to offer advice and support in equal measure.

    Of course like the story of our life, nothing is forever and both of us have had to go our separate ways for a while, while Coronavirus takes centre stage. With Darrell safely at home in Australia with Mum, and me lucky to be living with my Aunt and Cousins in Portsmouth, life remains copacetic right now. Our situation, although not ideal, works out well for all of us and has given me the opportunity to finally get to know a side of my family I have always been closer to. My Aunt and I have much in common and as my Cousin Rachel puts it, we are rather like an 'old married couple' at times, making this a very special chapter in my life, even though Darrell isn’t here to enjoy it with me.

    The background to my current circumstances is clear and not something that is going to change anytime soon, but I have worked extremely hard, during the most difficult of junctures to try and overcome obstacles, that just seem to be getting worse. I have always felt like a second class citizen due to my sexuality, state of mind and unequal treatment and these feelings arose once again this week as I had my aberrations highlighted and used to justify actions that I do not understand.

    I have fought all my life for equal rights and understanding of others, preferring not to pass judgement, instead concentrating on the here and now and the person stood before me, without their baggage in tow. Personally I have had to prove myself continually to others, when they have no concept of what I went through in life. Why I have to constantly apologise for who I am I just don’t know? The efforts I have made, especially over the last couple of years have really meant nothing to some and I find that hard to stomach. Both Darrell and I have had to put our lives on hold for our families, and we have been given little or no support in return.

    The only reason I have a roof over my head today, is because of an Aunt who accepts me for who I am unconditionally; I feel so sorry for those who can’t see past their own prejudices, to make me feel welcome into a family fold that has always been notoriously difficult to be a part of. The inequality I have felt all of my life is still alive a kicking today; I am still a second class citizen, without the understanding and empathy we all need to flourish and grow. Too many knock backs have kept me distant and aloof from family and friends and that it seems will never change. All I can do now, is look forward to a time when Darrell and I, can be reunited and forge another new life together, away from yet more tension, trauma and unhappiness.

    Neither of us want anything from anyone, have never asked for assistance, even under the most disconcerting of circumstances, like today and will undoubtedly continue to struggle and fight our way through life. I am proud of what we have achieved together as a couple; we have had no lift up or kick start to help us along this rocky road called life, we have been left to ride this roller-coaster alone, which has come off the rails many times, leaving us battling to survive, while others have been handed everything on a plate. I don’t care if I am unliked, attacked, sworn at, abused or bullied any more, because I am content with the person I am, not the person I was expected to be!
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    Looking for Answers!

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    It's been another difficult week in the post COVID World.  Like the Government, I haven't written much about the pandemic recently, as life is beginning to get back to a relative sense of normality; not quite as it used to be, but as near as damn it.  Listening to the news earlier, it is clear that the number of reported cases of Coronavirus is once again on the rise here in the UK and it looks like we could be in for another difficult few months. The news is also full of stories about the inaccurate reporting of COVID deaths; deaths being recorded as Coronavirus when in fact they weren't. This once again highlights the Governments' ineptitude during this pandemic and is giving people yet another excuse not to follow the rules.... Whatever the rules are!

    I've just been speaking to my Aunt about this very subject, and she also agrees that the Government rules and regulations in place to combat COVID-19 are now so obscure that none of us really know what they are. Our advice is to do what we think is best, socially distance, wear masks in public spaces and protect our families as much as possible. I still remain very nervous about any relaxation on my part; I don't want to put anyone else at risk. However, the time is coming when I will have to reconnect with family and friends.

    I managed to speak to Darrell from Australia on the phone earlier, who is also annoyed about the lack of social distancing. It looks like Australia and New Zealand are experiencing a second wave of COVID cases and States and cities on the Australasian continent are deciding what they should do to protect their citizens. The Eastern States remain locked down, but luckily Darrell remains relatively safe in Western Australia, with cases few and far between.

    I have spent the last week contacting our MP and trying to discover Darrell's legal status, in the event of not being able to return to the UK because of Coronavirus restrictions. Darrell is only allowed out of the UK for a certain period of time, before he has to legally return, but with all the Australian borders closed, we are still not sure if he will get back to Britain in time. After several emails I have still not had a reply from the Home Office or from our MP. I am hoping it won't be too much longer before I hear from them. These are unprecedented times but the levers of Government have to continue, I just hope they try a little harder than they have been up to now. Both of us need to know where we stand!

    Darrell and I haven't felt this insecure for a long time, probably since we both got together twenty-five years ago. Our relationship is once again up in the air as we try and find a way through the terrible circumstances we find ourselves in. Ideally we would prefer to be together now. Darrell's Mother is well enough at the moment to be left on her own, but Darrell no longer has the option of leaving Australia. Like him, I hate having my fate decided by others, to have it determined by a pandemic is extremely stressful and not what we ever imagined.

    My anxiety levels are sky-high presently as you would expect, which really isn't helping with my IBS symptoms. No amount of medication seems to be working, and I am suffering more now than ever. Luckily I am able to concentrate on work and my family in the UK, which does take my mind off things somewhat, but like all of us, I do have my down days. This week I have had quite a few of those and have been feeling particularly worn down. The normal placid me, has become a no nonsense, take it or leave it kind of guy, who has literally run out of patience. I have lost my temper too many times recently and I just hope this bumpy ride ends soon, so Darrell and I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and get on with the rest of our life together.
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    Barcelona - The Beginning of a Love Affair!

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    Barcelona was my first real experience of mainland Spain and it was a place I thoroughly enjoyed, but not somewhere I have returned to as yet. Darrell and I used to travel frequently, all over the World, and would often jet off spontaneously at the drop of a hat. Barcelona was one of those unprompted trips that was truly magical in every sense of the word; having never been to there before, I really didn't know what to expect. I had seen photographs of this great city, and knew how characterful and beautiful it was, but experiencing it first hand, was beyond compare.

    The first thing that struck me about this city was the architecture. I will never forget walking around the wide open boulevards, admiring the ornate buildings and rhetorical Catalonian construction throughout this great city. One of the most famous buildings is of course the  Segrada Famillia, a structure all of us are aware of, no matter where we come from. The unfinished cathedral in the district of Barcelona itself, was born in 1882. Designed by Antoni Gaudi, the site is still under development today, but it remains a magnificent epitaph to gothic architecture; a living piece of art, constantly changing and evolving; workmanship unsurpassed.

    Gaudi design can be seen throughout the city, from the Casa Batlló and Casa Milà to the Park Güell and El Capricho. Each building is unique and truly galvanising. I was amazed by the richly decorated facades, colourful expression and organic modernist style. My passion for building design and construction was really born in Barcelona. Observing what can be achieved with an open mind and visionary outlook, was really a game changer for me. I have always been unconventional in many aspects of life, which is probably why Gaudi appealed to my sense of imagination and I have tried to apply his principles of individuality and social excellence to my own life. I am a champion of brutalist architecture, but also an admirer of art deco and neoclassical building techniques, however Antoni Gaudi remains my aspirational architect of choice and a reason to return to Barcelona in the future.

    Walking along La Rambla, not far from our hotel, was unforgettable. This tree lined pedestrian  thoroughfare is Barcelona's meandering jewel, filled with café's, small shops selling local handicrafts, souvenirs and a miscellany of oddities and paraphernalia, as well as individual boutiques, restaurants  and of course musicians and street artists serenading your walk along this well trodden bulevar. I felt relaxed and at home, taking my time, slowly strolling along, appreciating my surroundings, absorbing the atmosphere and relishing the European lifestyle, I so admire, in stark contrast to the cold, rainy British way of life I had left behind. The sites, sounds, smell of flowers and traditional Spanish food, courting couples arm in arm and 'beautiful people' taking coffee or glass of Rioja on one of the terraces was a lifestyle I was immediately drawn to. My trip to Barcelona was turning into a life-changing experience and was the beginning of a love affair that eventually led to our new life in Spain, ten years later.

    Walking along the Rambla del Mar at Port Vell, gazing across icy blue water, we sat for a glass or two of wine. The sun was dancing off the side of pristine, glistening yachts, gently rocking in the harbour, children were playing along the pier and tourists were happily betokening points of interest. I was happy to sit and watch the World pass by, chatting with Darrell, dreaming of a new life on the continent. My short holiday in Barcelona opened doors to a future untried and untested, this was the start of a love affair that remains as strong today as it ever was, drawing me ever southwards, as I once again look to a new life in the sun!
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    Countdown to 25 Years!

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    Darrell and Mum, keeping in contact from the other side of the World!

    On the 22 September 2020 Darrell and I will celebrate our 25th Anniversary, a milestone, we could not have anticipated, a quarter of a century ago. Of course this won't be a celebration like any other we have known, and we will not be able to spend the day together. Australia's borders are currently closed and Darrell will not be able to fly to the UK as we had first planned. Our twenty-five years together will begin with our forced separation, in a World very different from the one we have known.

    Darrell and I met each other at a time of upheaval for the gay community. Neither of us had any rights to stay together and for the next six years we fought hard to remain in the UK as partners. I have written much about the challenges we have faced as a gay couple from different corners of the World. It is important to acknowledge the role our families, friends, relatives, officials and Members of Parliament have played, in our quest to help change and adapt  our precarious situation, into the unrestrained, free status we enjoy today. The heartache and pain we suffered in the later part of the twentieth century made us the fighters we are. Nothing phased us and no obstacle was too big to climb, even in the face of deportation from the country we both called home.

    The Coronavirus has kept us apart, when the political system couldn't. This period in our history as a couple, indeed the history of the World, has become a barrier to our life as a couple and created difficulties we are unable to overcome currently. Living without the person you love, because of factors beyond your control, is the most frustrating, exasperating experience of my life. Our current circumstances aren't easily circumvented, our well-being is in the hands of an unseen foe and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change that. Worldwide panic has pressed pause on our relationship and that is hard to accept.

    We will not be able to spend our 25th Anniversary together this year, but we have the memory of our time together and our Marriage in 2015 to help overcome the pain of severance. When we look back at 2020, we will see this as just another setback in a sea of many. No one could have foreseen the events we are all living through; this should be an opportunity to grow and cultivate new memories to share, as we spend the next twenty-five years together, in the post COVID World!
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    A Week of Ups and Downs!

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    I've certainly had a week of ups and downs; with face coverings now compulsory across the UK, Sunday has become my mask washing day. I actually have one for every day of the week now, understanding what most people don't, that masks should be washed or in the case of disposable ones, discarded after each use.

    Like all of us, I am still trying to get used to the concept of wearing a piece of cloth in front of my face; it isn't the most comfortable of pastimes and is particularly irritating to say the least. Walking around the shop where I work, I also have to wear PPE, along with customers, which is only right. Nevertheless, there are those who refuse to conform to the 'new normal,' which can be pretty disheartening for people like me, who have to work every day. I fail to understand why people would ignore the new rules and regulations and like the vast majority of the public, I am happy to do what is right. In order to avoid a second wave, all of us have to change our lives. Putting on a face covering isn't the most difficult of tasks, when one considers those who have died during this pandemic!
    On Monday it was another morning volunteering at Cancer Research, doing my best to sort out the electrical department. I haven't actually been feeling a hundred percent for the last seven days and when I woke up Monday morning I was in two minds, whether to even go in. I knew however, that just being at the shop would cheer me up and it wasn't too long before I started to feel a little better.

    Having IBS can really get me down at times, and I knew on Monday that I was starting to get a flare up. Together with the hiatal hernia pain, I really wasn't feeling great at all. The worst part of a flare up is feeling that something more sinister is going on. I had also come to the end of a course antibiotics for another UTI; I guess the digestive issues I have been experiencing over the last few years have come to a head, making me feel down and depressed.

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    After speaking to a friend I decided to order a PSA test, to make sure my prostate was working properly. Rather than waiting for the NHS, especially during the middle of a pandemic, I obtained one privately and will take it later on today, once the antibiotics are finally out of my system.

    Cancer Research is the one day of the week I can relax and unwind despite the way I feel. Today I am still feeling pretty unwell, but will force myself out of bed tomorrow and once again do the volunteering I enjoy, it's the only thing that takes my mind off my problems and being surrounded by like-minded individuals is the best tonic money can buy.
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    Our weekly family toast ended last Thursday, but Darrell and I are continuing to do our own toast to each other. Thursdays have brought both of us closer together, and we both feel it is important to keep that family tradition going. It does seem on the surface at least that this pandemic is winding down, but I have my doubts. The original reason for the family get together each week is still there and I have a feeling it won't be too long before we are toasting one another, in lockdown once again.

    Darrell is coping remarkably well in Australia, even as the country enters winter. The infection rate, especially in the eastern states is rising dramatically, on a par with Britain, so it is a frightening time for him and his Mother, who is also doing OK under the circumstances. Thursday will always be a day for Darrell and I to get together and celebrate our years together.
    Also, on Thursday My Aunt and I and the kids travelled to Hayling Island to attend a family lunch. Getting onto the Island was a bit of a nightmare as per usual, nevertheless we all had a great day spent with family, a rare thing these days. It's nice to be around lots of children, something I am not used to, but it has become a rather big part of my life. Family has become the backbone of my time back home in Portsmouth and during this devastating period, it has allowed me to form bonds I wouldn't otherwise have had the opportunity to do.

    Darrell and I are looking to buy a holiday home on the island when everything returns to normal and have started looking at places near to the beach. Both of us have options open to us, whether here in the UK or abroad, but establishing a base is important as we grow older. In time, we both hope to finally settle somewhere, but I am certainly relishing my time at my Aunts and have no plans to move anywhere else quite yet. When you spend time with loved ones, you realise just who the important people are. Hopefully I will also be able to see my Father soon, when Government restrictions allow.

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    ....and finally today I took the PSA test that I had bought online, just to put my mind at rest. I was apprehensive at first, but plucked up the courage and after getting blood absolutely everywhere, I managed to follow the instructions to the letter and the results came back negative, thank God.

    Tomorrow I have a Doctors appointment to discuss my next move, hopefully arranging to have a scan and endoscopy, so I can finally get to the bottom of what is going on.

    It has been a strange old week; more mask wearing, as we move into the next phase of the pandemic, rules and regulations to get used to and welcome contact with family adding an air of normality in this crazy World. Britain does feel a little more like it used to, but none of us can be sure what is round the corner, until then, we just carry on as normal....Have a great week y'all!
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    Guest Blogger - Has COVID-19 triggered manic or depressive episodes for people with bipolar disorder? By Patrick Bailey.

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    Patrick Bailey is a professional writer mainly in the fields of mental health, addiction, and living in recovery. He attempts to stay on top of the latest news in the addiction and the mental health world and enjoy writing about these topics to break the stigma associated with them. 

    Website / Blog URL: http://patrickbaileys.com
    Twitter: https://twitter.com/Pat_Bailey80
    LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/patrick-bailey-writer
    Having bipolar disorder can be challenging enough during normal times. In the midst of a global pandemic, however, the stakes grow even higher.

    People diagnosed with bipolar disorder experience extreme emotional episodes. Manic phases are characterized by a seemingly perpetual state of mental and/or physical motion. The depressive stages are the plummeting lows that follow. Liken it to a sugar rush and the resulting crash, but much, much worse and infinitely more complex.

    There’s no singular cause. Bipolar disorder tends to set in more frequently among people once they reach their mid-twenties. Genetics are a factor -- a parent or sibling with bipolar disorder makes a person more likely to develop manic depression -- but so does one’s environment or how much stress they experience. 

    Each case is unique, though there are common threads, which are useful in helping to manage the condition. 

    Medications like mood stabilizers and psychotherapy help. So does a person’s lifestyle choices. Regular sleep, stress management, a healthy diet, and exercise can keep the highs and lows better in check. Manic episodes can be brought on by alcohol or drug use or insufficient sleep, so avoiding those are key.

    Pandemic Panic

    The COVID-19 global pandemic has brought unmeasurable stress to people around the world. News near and far of death, suffering, job losses, isolation, shutdowns, social media mania. Not too many people could say the domino effect of the coronavirus left feelings of happiness and security in their hearts and minds.

    Those with bipolar disorder tend to be particularly sensitive and responsive to stress, compared to non-manic individuals.

    To some extent not all stress can be avoided, but it can be better managed, not only for the mental health of the bipolar person, but also the physical health.

    Get Enough Rest

    People with bipolar disorder must take extra care in this uncertain time to keep on an even keel.

    Sticking to a regular sleep pattern is extremely important. A lack of regular shuteye can trigger bouts of mania. Ideally once you realize (or perhaps someone has pointed out) that you’re not getting enough sleep, reach out to a mental health provider. Even one night of missed sleep can spark a manic episode.

    Maintain Mental Health

    Bipolar individuals admit they tend to experience more of the depressed phase of the disorder. With all the negativity and fear dominating headlines and social media streams, that can spike anxiety and make a person dwell on worst-case scenarios. 

    Ward off negativity by being prepared. Find out if your mental health provider is seeing people. In-office visits may not be an option, but online or phone sessions may be. 

    Be sure you have enough medications, too, and understand you may need extra mood stabilizers or something more for anxiety while things are shut down or scaled back.

    Be sure to keep in contact with family, friends, or loved ones. Checking in keeps you to a schedule and lets them know you’re okay.

    If you suspect an episode is coming on, reach out to your doctor or therapist, and sooner rather than later.

    Not Too Much Social Media

    Social distancing has meant more isolation, but too much time on Facebook, Twitter, or whatever your social media of choice may be can be just as detrimental to mood and mental health.

    It’s easy to fall down a rabbit hole of misinformation when reading sensational news headlines. Be sure to get updates from recognized authorities like the World Health Organization, and avoid hearsay, unverified sources, and the trolls who lurk in most stories’ comments sections.

    And if you do chance upon trolls, make it a point to step away. Arguing with people, especially those cemented to their ideas and points of views, isn’t good for anyone’s mindset.

    If you have a go-to activity like yoga or drawing, do that instead. That along with regular meals, a solid sleep schedule, taking your medication, sticking to appointments (even if it’s only online support groups), frequently washing hands and masking in public, and not resorting to drinking or drugging can help ward off manic phases. 

    Mental Health Helps Physical Health

    People with severe mental illness have been hit hard by COVID-19.

    Mental health issues usually coincide with challenges that make it harder for people to access food, medications, stable housing, jobs, or healthcare (where applicable), putting them in greater danger of getting or spreading the coronavirus.

    Some people with mental illness may not have the means to purchase a smartphone or computer. With telehealth options eluding them, they may not be able to attend therapy during lockdowns. 

    Substance misuse is more prevalent among the mentally ill, too, and that’s tied to a greater susceptibility to infectious diseases. 

    Higher numbers of mentally ill people smoke cigarettes as well, which puts them at greater risk for diseases like chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and asthma. Pneumonia and influenza are some of the leading causes of death for people with mental illness. Underlying lung disease from smoking can be a factor.

    People with severe mental illness are also more prone to behaviors that lead to diabetes, hypertension, heart disease and poor cholesterol. All can add to the risk of developing more dangerous COVID-19 complications.

    People with bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses may also be more prone to engage in other risky behaviors like not taking proper safety precautions or practicing social distancing and self-care.

    Along with neglecting some self-care, there tends to be some distrust of the healthcare system overall among some mentally ill folks. That could be due to previous trauma in hospitals. With the pandemic putting a strain on medical centers and psychiatric units, COVID makes it especially challenging for those with mental health issues, especially if they’re experiencing the extreme highs and lows that define their condition.

    The data is still building about the coronavirus and how it is affecting all aspects of society. There may not yet be a vaccine for the virus, we do know that keeping mentally healthy by following a schedule, practicing self-care, sticking to social distancing, masking in public, and frequent hand washing can dramatically increase the likelihood of emerging from this pandemic unscathed.

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