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    Momentum!

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    That is the first month of the year done and dusted. I’ve made a good start to the year and am reasonably pleased with what I have achieved in January.

    At the start of the year I gave myself 10 targets to achieve to by the end of the year. Added to this are weekly and monthly targets to achieve. I feel I need to do this to keep my focus and stay on track with those 10 targets I have that are to improve mind, body and soul. Every day, I’m doing something that is working towards that improvement in mind, body and soul.

    I’m very mindful that a year ago I did dry January with an emphasis on improvement in many areas of my life. The following month or so the plan fell apart somewhat prior to the unforeseen lockdown – a year later, and I’m much wiser, much more driven, feeling mentally stronger and much more determined not to just achieve those 10 targets but to utterly obliterate them. I’ve not made those targets easy either, that would be lazy and a bit of a cop out. These are targets that push me every day and every week.

    So reflecting on January. I’ve made a good start, but I know I can do better, much better.

    In work, I’m striving for continuous improvement every day, I’m being a lot more subjective and critical about my input – what difference will it make, what impact will it have it and what I need to do to make it better. Forget that it looks good, what I want is that it looks exceptional.

    I’ve made a good start to working towards the qualification I’m currently studying for. My end of year appraisal was much better than I anticipated, as someone who doesn’t feel comfortable being complimented on what I have done well it did feel a bit cringy at times, but the feedback was good (especially from a 360 review from colleagues). I’ve identified a few areas I need to work on to improve.

    A few things happened in January that would usually have left me feeling a bit down, moody, negative and flat, but I didn’t let those things do it – I either worked through what the actual issue was and come to a workable solution, or I put them into perspective within the bigger picture.

    I can spend days without talking to anyone due to the lockdown. The solitude isn’t bothering me at all. I’m keeping myself focused and occupied. I’m reading a lot, in January I finished reading 7 books. I’m more mindful of my moods, more mindful of how positive 'me' achieves much, much more than negative 'me,' every day I’m working on this. Every day, I look at my targets and visualise how I will feel when each of these is achieved, I tell myself why I’m doing it and the long term benefits of why, how it factors into being a better version of myself. Every day when I look at those targets I tell myself I am accountable, and it is down to me and no one else to put the effort in.

    Training is going well. I’ve scheduled in 26 training sessions in January and completed them all. I know that I need that consistency and commitment if I’m going to achieve two of my goals this year – not being in the mood to train or rubbish weather is not an excuse for not training. No excuses and completing the sessions no matter how tough they are, ‘harder than you think, it’s a beautiful thing’ as Public Enemy said. My runs are now done early in the morning so that I know they are done, and it isn’t hanging over me for the rest of the day. On Saturday morning I completed the recent virtual challenge I had signed up for, pleased with that, but it is just a small stepping stone in the larger plan.

    My diet is improving each week, and I’m looking at what I’m eating and how it can improve my physical and mental health.

    January has been a good start, I put down a marker and nothing else, I need to continue to build on this. Build, complete, reflect, plan, build, reflect, develop, improve, push, deliver continuously.

    I consider myself as a person with limited talents and resources, but I’m starting to work on how I use these more and more to my advantage to realise my full potential. January set the momentum, nothing else, the momentum needs to be constant and continuous.


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    Push!

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    It’s early morning, dark, cold, windy, really windy actually, and it is raining. The rain feels freezing cold as it blows into my face. I carry on running as the wind does it best to push me backwards. It feels as if I’m getting nowhere, it feels like every stride I take is getting me no further forwards, at times it feels like I could remain static and just be running on the spot. I don’t stop but push forwards and push onwards. The wind isn’t easing, and the rain feels colder and colder the further I go. The landmarks I pass take longer to get to, I’m slower than I am usually on this route – a few thoughts pop into my head like ‘this average pace is going to be way slower than usual’, ‘my time looks awful at the moment, I’m going to have to pick up it massively on the way back’ – I don’t stop and push onwards.

    Pushing forwards and onwards. I refuse to quit; I refuse to allow the weather to get the better of me. I keep my focus solely onto getting to the midway point and the benefits of a tailwind may have on the way back, hoping there is a tailwind. I refuse to quit and refuse to let my thoughts focus on turning back earlier than planned. Every time it seems tough I tell myself I will not be defeated and how I will feel for the rest of the day if I do quit early, how I will see myself as being weak, see myself as a quitter. I carry on, I push onwards and gradually get nearer to the turnaround point.

    The wind and rain continue as I reach the turnaround point and rather than turning to head back, I carry for another mile. I have this sudden urge to tough it out a bit more to prove to myself I can do it, and I am not a quitter. I love training sessions like that and love training in conditions like that – I feel alive.

    When the alarm went off, and I heard the wind and rain outside the temptation may well have been ‘leave it today’ and go back to sleep or ‘I’ll train later the weather will be better’. No way, lets get out there, lets push. It isn’t just a battle with the elements and whatever they can throw at me but also a battle with myself – as much as I could make it easier and turn around I refuse to do so, I want to push myself that bit further. It is those sessions that really count I think, those when you need to dig deep and carry moving forwards no matter what is thrown at you, keep going no matter how difficult it feels, keep going and remain focused on getting through.

    Those nagging self-doubts will creep in. Shut them out, push them away, keep the focus on what is in front of you and not on quitting. It is something I have done constantly over the years when training and racing, it is those training sessions that get me to the finish line, it is because of those training sessions I can tough it out when things have been tough in races and I feel like quitting.
     
    Times are tough. There are going to be times when we want to quit, want to throw the towel in, and feeling like you are static and just running on the spot. There is a turnaround up ahead and things will get easier when we get there but for the moment  being focused, being able to shut out all the negative thoughts, being able to silence the nagging doubts, overcoming the temptation to crumble and quit is what counts and is a small step to getting to that finish line. Each time you overcome each of those see it as a victory.

    Celebrate the small victories each and every day, focus on those small victories, those moments of not quitting. Build an internal mantra on how to silence those nagging doubts and every time that happens see it as a victory. Take those negative thoughts and think what I can do rather than not what I can’t do, every time you do that it is another small victory. Once those small victories start adding up you realise you are able to achieve more than you originally thought possible, it is a change of mindset and rather than focusing on the negatives you start looking at the challenge and how it won’t defeat you, and you won’t quit even though you know it will be tough at times. Keeping thinking small victories and push towards them.

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    Drive and the Imposter Syndrome!

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    It is a sunny July afternoon in 2004, and I’m sitting at a pre-race briefing for an ironman-distance triathlon I’m racing the following day. I’ve spent months training for this, but I’m having nagging doubts about my ability, I’m asking myself if I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, I’m looking at the other competitors at the briefing, and I am thinking you look a lot fitter than I do.

    It is a June evening in 2007, I’m in Belgium two days before the European Long-Distance Triathlon Championships as part of the GB age-group team and I am sitting in the restaurant of the hotel. On the next table are some of the GB elite team. I start to have similar doubts again around being good enough, my ability, and being good enough to be in the team, even though the race results from the previous 18 months are screaming YES, MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH. I want to go back to my hotel room, pack my bag and head back to the airport.

    It is a March morning in 2019, and I’m sitting in a meeting with the new team I’ve joined in work. I recognise quite a few faces, talented people within the team. I’d worked hard to get the opportunity to join this team and had really impressed at the interview. I feel out of my depth, and I am asking myself whether I should have gained more experience before joining and whether I will struggle with the standards and output required within the team.

    It is an October evening in 2020, and I’m speaking to a friend about running and the Great South Run. They ask how many marathons I’ve run, then how many long-distance triathlons I’ve completed. I try and shake the answers off by saying it wasn’t really a big deal, they tell me it is, and they don’t know many people, who’ve done that, and it is an amazing achievement. Again, I dismiss this making out it was no big deal.

    It is a January evening in 2021, and I’m watching a documentary and the person being interviewed said they had always felt that they had imposter syndrome. What they are saying rings a bell with me in many ways.
     
    What is imposter syndrome?

    According to the definitions I’ve explored, it is an internal dialogue that you are not as good as others see or perceive you to be. It can see success or accomplishment as something that was achieved through pure chance or luck, rather than talent or ability. It is linked with self-doubt and being inadequate.
     
    Yeah, I can relate to most of those definitions I’ve found and relate to them in some way or other, to the way I’ve felt in many situations over the years.

    I went and did a few online tests and the scores were pretty high (75-85% in favour of having imposter syndrome).

    When doing some of the tests, some of the questions really resonated with me. I find it hard to take compliments and usually try and deflect it, the same with praise when I’ve done something worthy, again deflect it. Things I’ve achieved, the same thing, deflection and not seeing it as a big deal.

    I’d like to think I’m a fairly driven individual – even with high levels of self-doubt. When I set myself goals or targets I achieve them. I don’t undertake these goals or targets with a complacent attitude and make sure I have done everything, so I am able to give it my best shot. I’m also aware of my limitations as well.

    I sometimes reflect on what I could have done better and focus on this rather than on what I have achieved. I rarely stop to reflect on what I have achieved and tend to move onto the next goal, the next opportunity to push myself, the opportunity to prove to myself I have that that constant drive. I’m not one to brag about my achievements. I set myself goals or targets to see how far I can push myself and at times it becomes an internal battle to quell the self-doubt. 

    On Monday I start another 14 months of study alongside my ‘day job’ – again those thoughts of ability and capability are there. Deep down though I know that I will eclipse this goal because I’ve done it countless times in the past, when the doubts have been there.


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    Saying Goodbye to 2020!

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    As we leave 2020 behind I think a lot of people will be glad to see the back of it. Personally I will view 2020 with bitter-sweet memories. It started off well, got better even with the pandemic and then descended into disaster. I know some of the reasons why and others not and will probably never know.

    So onto 2021....

    My aim is to become a better person and a much better version of myself. I’m not perfect and will never claim to be so. I have many faults and realise this. The aim is to work on the faults I’ve identified.

    There is a lot I want to achieve in 2021, and I will achieve all those things I’ve listed. I sat down a couple of nights ago and made a list of 10 things that were important to me, that will help to improve me both personally and professionally.

    A couple of months ago I entered the Serpent Trail 50k run – the training is going well. The training is consistent, and I am as focused as I have been in years. I won’t be taking my eye off the ball with this one for certain. I feel I put a decent base down in 2020, I completed the virtual challenge I entered (and have now entered another with a few others planned to keep the motivation and drive going).

    I’ll also be returning to study as well for another professional qualification. I gave it some thought mid-2020 but didn’t feel it was the right thing to do at the time, didn’t feel that it was the right time professionally to take this on. Things are different now, and I feel prepared to undertake this. The people in work I’ve spoken to have highlighted that I have an amazing work ethic and a very positive attitude – nice to hear that sometimes though I don’t always see it myself. I’m guessing that is the difference between how we appear and the internal dialogue we have with ourselves.

    Over the last few months I’ve been doing a lot of reading and have rediscovered my love of literature – I’ve earmarked some books I really need to read in over the next few months, some have been sat on the bookshelf for a while and others I need to purchase.

    Over the last few months I’ve had to really make sure I’m looking after my mental health. Like many I’m still working from home, I live on my own, and like many I feel isolated a lot of the time. Sometimes I really enjoy the solitude. Other times not so much – it is these times when I need to be very mindful and not be too hard on myself – this is something I really need to address in 2021. I am my harshest critic, always have been, always will be. However, I do need to give myself a pat on the back a bit more, be more realistic about the things I have achieved rather than focusing on what I could have done better when I’ve achieved something (I think as long as I’ve put my best effort and best version of myself into it then that should be celebrated). Yes, there is always room for improvement, but it is how we evaluate that. Again it is the internal dialogue. How many times do I tell myself something I’ve done is not good enough?

    I sometimes think a lot about the impact I make and the impact I can make. One person is not going to the change the world – that is totally unrealistic. I do believe that small actions can make a difference and small actions can provide a positive influence on others to change to make a difference as well. If enough people do this, then maybe the world can change to become a better place. I’ve already started taking those small actions and hope in 2021 to influence others to do the same. Changes take time and are sometimes not instant.
     
    No year is ever going to be perfect, that is impossible, and we are all going to have regrets on things that have happened, been said, not done, not said, or even missed opportunities. As I reflect on this I realise this more than most. I think 2020 has taught me a lot both about myself, how I view the world, and how I view other people. 2020 has highlighted many things to me on many levels. I’m certain that in 12 months time I will view the year based on what I have achieved and how much impact I have made personally, professionally and the impact that this has had. Like 2020 there will be things I would like to be different, some of those things may be out of my influence or control and I need to accept that and focus on those things where I became a better version of myself – not perfect just a better version.


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    CORONAVIRUS - Achieving Targets!

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    And so the lockdown continues. As we are entering June 2020 I have days when I’m struggling to remind myself of what normal life was like prior to this global event that has affected virtually the whole planet.

    It has been a strange couple of months (putting it in such an understated way). I’ve not seen many members of my family and friends since we went into lockdown and that has been tough. I’ve been working really hard on putting things into perspective and really appreciating what I have got in that time. I’m using the resources that I have at hand and have had to change many things so that I am not going into moods that are low and a potential downwards spiral.

    Exercise is really important to me and I’m continuing to challenge myself by seeing how fit I can get at the moment. After completing ‘Dry January’ at the start of the year I’ve also completed ‘Dry May’ (if that is a ‘thing’) and had also abstained from alcohol for the majority of April as well – I think I had 3 cans of lager in the early part of the month. I think that has really helped with my fitness, motivation, and outlook on things.

    The exercise and having a goal (completing the Appalachian Trail Virtual Challenge) has really helped out as well – rather than just exercising for the sake of it I’m working towards a target that means I have to push myself as well.

    The training is going well and the mileage has certainly increased over the last couple of weeks. I completed my longest run for a few years over the weekend – 10 miles. I’m really lucky that I have some really nice places where I can train and get out for a run. I spoke to a friend recently that said they would love to be able to run by the sea. I must admit it is something I have taken for granted but as some photos show it is a nice place to be able to run (or cycle or walk for that matter).

    I also did a 4-hour session on the bike trainer as well – they are not the most interesting of sessions believe me (no scenery, no change in terrain, uncomfortable, and pretty hot as well). I’ve now completed 827.4 miles (ca. 1,332 km) of the challenge and have a mere 1,140.9 miles (ca. 1,836 km) to the ‘virtual finish’ line. I’m starting to have a serious think about what this means when life goes back to ‘normal’. Considering the time and effort I have put into the training – I’d basically start from scratch again – I don’t really want to let all the hard work and effort go to the wayside.
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    When I started this blog a while back I had a target of finishing an ultra-marathon and that still remains a key goal. At the moment (and especially within the current climate) I have no specific event in mind (though I have a few ideas). I’ve also looked at some Ironman-Distance triathlons, and I am having a serious think whether to challenge myself again to race that distance.

    The lockdown has taught me a few things actually. Along with finding inspiration and motivation within adversity and challenging times I have also learnt that I’m able to fully function without certain things I would normally take for granted. I’ve usually been pretty good at adapting to changing situations or a changing environment and again have proved to myself that by adapting the abnormal becomes normal and familiar relatively quickly.

    On the whole I’ve remained really positive and that is good.

    This lockdown has thrown up multiple challenges and I know that sometimes it can be really, really tough (especially with no end in real sight). If you are struggling please be kind to yourself, accept that some days are going to be difficult, give yourself small targets to achieve, and most importantly stay safe and keep well.

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    CORONAVIRUS - The New Normal!

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    And so, the lock-down and social distancing continues. It is all very strange. It is strange not seeing friends and family. It is strange having to totally adapt to a new way of working. It is strange not doing any travelling for work, something that became the norm last year. It is strange attending multiple meetings and delivering courses over zoom sessions.

    Things I usually took for granted have changed dramatically – going to the shops, going to the pub with friends, and going to football.

    One of the things I have been really impressed with is the way that communities have pulled together to support each other – whether this is in a practical or emotional sense. I really hope that this continues once we get back to a more ‘normal’ way of life.

    As the lockdown has continued it has sometimes been a challenge to find ways of keeping oneself occupied – I’ve probably done more quizzes in the last couple of weeks than I have done in the last couple of years!!!! I need to read more though. A number of box sets on DVD have been watched yet again.

    My ‘lockdown’ fitness challenge has kept me going and it is something I’ve been enjoying. I’m currently making my way along the Appalachian Trail. I had initially said I was only going to count my run miles in this but after doing the maths and looking at the distance I calculated it would take me around two years to complete!!!!! The app allows for any fitness activity to be included. As I’m also doing a few sessions a week on my indoor bike trainer I figured I might as well include these miles as well – after all it is training and it is keeping me fit. So to date (26 days since I started the challenge) I’ve covered 330 miles leaving just 1,638 miles to go. Looking on the map that plots the progress it can sometimes seem a bit daunting looking at how far I’ve got to go but that is all part of the fun I guess!

    The runs and bike sessions are getting longer every week, so I’m determined to finish this as soon as I can.

    With many races cancelled this year it has been good to have a goal to work towards.

    I’ve noticed when I’ve been out running the number of people exercising – either running, walking or cycling. This is fantastic and I really hope that this continues once the rules around social distancing are relaxed, and we return to a more ‘normal’ way of life.

    I’ve also noticed on social media the number of people that are taking up some of the virtual fitness challenges as well and it has been fantastic to see.

    I like challenges and I enjoy having targets and goals to strive towards. I know for a fact that if I was just training for the sake of training my motivation levels would drop quite quickly as would my mood which would have an effect on my mental well-being.
    It is amazing at the moment just some of the small things that people can and are doing, despite the huge challenges that the lockdown and social-distancing are bringing, to keep themselves occupied.

    Until next time, keep well and stay safe, and remember those small changes each day can make a huge impact over time.

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