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    Frustrated and Hurting All Over Again!

    Relationships letters-of-hope
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    I've not written here in months. I have always found that when I'm in a dark place, writing has helped. I've been in a great place mentally up until last week. Last week has caused me to relive the past and question many things.

    Since losing my husband and long term partner of 22 years, I had a relationship. For the majority of its short term, it was amazing. I fell hook, line and sinker! It didn't end well.

    I'm a passionate woman, wearing my heart on my sleeve (but hide a huge amount of feelings). It was always going to take someone pretty special to make me feel and love again.

    I thought I'd met “the one” but it seems I was wrong. I questioned myself, cried myself to sleep many times trying to analyse what went wrong.

    Last week after 16 months of no contact he messaged me. My immediate emotions were shocked, confused and happy. I still don't know why I was happy, but I was. A long time has passed. I've changed in many ways, but after agreeing to meet him, I felt odd. It was so good seeing him. The physical attraction was there. The intellectual attraction was there. The emotional attraction!

    Well, that's a sticking point. I loved this man. There had only ever been one other I had felt this way, but sometimes with him, it feels like I was conversing with a Robot. I'm not allowed to have feelings without it being passive-aggressive, or I'm putting him down! As a woman who feels and loves, I need to be heard.

    There were so many amazing things about this man, and I proudly at the time was his biggest cheerleader. It was never enough! His ironing was more of a priority! My feelings always made him feel I was putting him down, that he wasn't good enough. That is complete bollocks! He was more than good enough. To me, he was perfect. Not in a saintly way, but perfect for me.

    I've tried for many months to block him out of my mind. Him reappearing in my life has caused many emotions. Happiness, fear, but above all questions. Why? Why now?

    Our communication is great one on one, but via text or email it turns into a battle. It's awful, frustrating, and I know it causes more pain. What should I do? If I don't respond I'm wrong, if I do, it fuels it. I'm lost!

    Do I wish he'd not returned to my life? I don't know. When we met, it was so comfortable. We laughed and seemed to reconnect so easily. But that long-standing problem is there. Communication! Discussion without condemnation. Is it something we can ever overcome? I don't know. All I know is I'm confused, frustrated and hurting all over again!
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    One Year On!

    Blog Milestones Personal Writing Recollections The Group letters-of-hope
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    It's been a year since I started writing this blog, and what a year it's been! When I started writing, I was in a really dark place. Life had lost all meaning for me and I really couldn't see a light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. We were just entering another lockdown, and I can honestly say I'd never felt quite so alone as I did back then. Writing the blog has been extremely cathartic and has helped me in many ways. Writing my feelings down has helped me to overcome the dark times. I've written more than I've submitted as some stuff is just too personal to put in the public domain, but for someone who has hidden her feelings for a long time, the release my writing has given me is huge.

    I quite often read back over my previous ramblings, and I'm encouraged by how far I've come. With the help of the RTT hypnotherapy, learning to set boundaries, and practising mindfulness, my mental health has improved significantly. I still have dark moments, but they are no longer having the impact on my life like before. A few weeks after starting this blog I started my other "jokey" blog and my Facebook group which has given me so much pleasure and fun. I've made some amazing friendships and as I've said before I could never have imagined what I could have got from a daft Facebook group.

    My group has just under 1200 members and still continues to grow. I'm still receiving messages to say how the group has helped so many people going through rough times, and the sense of achievement is fantastic. I've met with a few members already and have been invited to spend time in some amazing destinations like Australia, The Norfolk Islands and Florida with some members I've got to know well over the past 11 months. Maybe next year I'll get there. One of my members who lives 3800 miles away in Manitoba, Canada, is coming over to visit in the New Year and I can't wait to finally meet him in person after many months of messages and calls. These people, who I would never have met if not for the group, have helped me more than they will ever know.

    We have just had the 5th anniversary of my husband's death, and last year was the hardest it had ever been. It's always a tough day and as it's bonfire night the sound of the fireworks for a couple of weeks before always seem to highlight the day. I was a little emotional on the day itself, but so much better than I was a year ago.

    The following day, my friend came down from Cheshire, and we went to see Portsmouth play at Fratton. I hadn't seen him since August, and it was the first football match I've been to since the pandemic started. After that, we ventured into Southsea for drinks and a meal. We had such a great day and night. I seem to have done more since July than I had in the last 2 years. I went to Victorious a couple of months back and saw Madness. I've wanted to see them for years, and I was not disappointed. It was amazing and for me meant I could finally dance again. Well, I use the word dance lightly, I threw myself around like a Looney for hours and struggled to walk the next day, but it was worth it. I've been to a couple of belated birthday parties for friends who turned 50 during the pandemic and again danced, laughed and thoroughly enjoyed mixing. I've a concert on my birthday in a couple of weeks at the O2 in London, as a present from my daughter and her partner. It will be the farthest I've travelled in a long time, and I'm looking forward to spending the time with my daughter. One of my friends has organised a group of us to go out the day after to celebrate my birthday and I cannot wait as I did nothing for my birthday last year.

    I'm a sociable person and finally feel like I'm getting my life back. Work is going well. I can now work from home 3 days a week and the office the other 2. This has helped give me a great work/life balance, and I've found at my age I appreciate that more than ever. I've started dating again and have met some nice guys and had some lovely days/evenings in good company. Only one has ticked all the boxes, but he lives 150 miles away. Typical! It's early days; I'm enjoying getting to know him, but I have found that I've built some pretty big walls up to protect me, and they are a little too solid at the moment, so for now I'm enjoying the single life. What is meant to be, will be.

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    A Sense of Pride and Achievement!

    The Group Thoughts And Feelings letters-of-hope
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    I realised another 4 weeks have gone by, and I've not written. Yes, I've been busy as life has been returning to some form of normality, but that's a bit of a lame excuse. There is always a quiet moment in the day. I've sat and looked back at my other entries and when I first started this blog I was in a bad way emotionally. I had so many thoughts and feelings flying around that I found putting fingers to keys or pen to paper was the best way for me to deal with it. Now I'm in a much happier place, I guess I haven't found the need to spill all.

    Last night my Facebook group that I started as a bit of a joke 9 months ago reached 1000 members. This morning, a further 20 people have requested to join. I can honestly say I felt really emotional when it hit that number. It may seem stupid to some that a Facebook group means that much, but to me, it means the world.

    I would never have guessed that writing about my daft and dire dating experiences would have opened my world up like it has. My group, as I've said on here before, really has bought people together. I thought that maybe once lockdown ended and people went back to their busy lives that the group would dwindle, but the opposite has happened. I'm still receiving so many messages from people saying the group has helped them or what a fun thing it is to be a part of. The number of new friendships and even relationships that have formed as a result of perfect strangers chatting online is fantastic. I have been privileged to meet several of my group members and have formed some great friendships with many, and more to meet in the future.

    This feeling of achievement and knowing how it has helped others and not only myself is fantastic, however it is marred with sadness. On Tuesday, I was notified that one of my group members had passed away. Steve had been a very active member of the group, was very witty and entertaining. Although I had never met him in person, we had chatted, and he had recently started to develop a relationship with another of the group members. I knew of his demons in his past, but was still utterly shocked to learn of his passing. Details are unclear around the circumstances, but I was completely humbled when one of his friends contacted me to say they knew Steve had been a member of the group. They just wanted to thank me for the joy it bought him and what it meant to his family to know we saw him as they did. Steve leaves behind 4 young children, and already my amazing group are looking at raising money to give a little help.

    I know I'm a pleaser and fixer by nature, and Wednesday I struggled with the what ifs. What if I'd messaged him to check in as he'd been quiet for a few days, something I've done in the past with him and other members. The reality is I'll never know.

    I've learnt a huge amount over the months since I started writing this and part of what I've learnt is that I cannot please everyone, I cannot fix everyone and I can change none. I can only please, fix or change what I do or feel, my own behaviours and actions. I've learned to remove myself from situations where it is detrimental to my happiness. I'm always being told I'm too nice or care too much, and I never understood how anyone can care too much or be too nice. Now I do!

    I've had group members say the group 'saved' them. Truth be told, it saved me. It has helped me to open my eyes and mind, to accept who I am and who I want to be. It has been the light in my dark and has given me back something I lost. A sense of pride and achievement.

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    The Hardest Part, Is The Wait For Results!

    letters-of-hope
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    It's been several weeks since I've written and what a few weeks it's been. I had my second jab mid June and within a couple of weeks was unwell. I had a reaction to the first jab but it only lasted a few days.

    By the beginning of July I was getting pains in my lower back and tummy and felt generally run down. I tried to see a Doctor which was not a simple thing. After phone consultations I was prescribed Antibiotics. After a week there was no improvement and the Doctor decided I needed to be seen. He examined me, did a urine test and confirmed I had a kidney infection so further antibiotics were given and I was sent for blood tests.

    After a few more days I was getting worse. Back to the Doctors! Again I was told I had a kidney infection but some of the other symptoms I had didn't fit. Due to my medical history there were other concerns and I must admit I was worried.

    In May 2013 after almost 9 months of being told I had constant infections I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. When I was finally diagnosed I was relieved as it felt that I hadn't been believed for such a long time. I had a radical hysterectomy on 2nd July 2013 but they decided to leave my ovaries so as to avoid early menopause for as long as possible. I had all my lymph nodes on both sides removed. The surgery was a success and I was fortunate enough not to need chemo or radiotherapy. I was checked regularly and was signed off in 2018 and told I was 5 years cancer free.

    8 years on and it felt like history repeating itself. My Doctor referred me to QA for urgent tests and within 5 days I had a Cystoscopy. A camera inserted into my bladder. The consultant told me there and then that he wanted me to also have an urgent CT scan and more blood tests. After my appointment I fell apart. When I had cancer previously I was so positive and determined it wouldn't beat me. After my Cystoscopy I felt very alone and scared that it had returned. Last time I was able to have my husband come with me for tests and appointments. This time due to Covid I had to attend all on my own. My children and parents were incredibly worried as they could see how poorly I was. My Mum kept hugging me (something she doesn't usually do).

    The hardest part is the wait for results. Trying to keep my mind occupied whilst feeling unwell is incredibly difficult. I had amazing support from friends but it's the nights when you are all alone and your mind starts talking to you. I didn't want to add to my family's worry so I did what I always do and tried to keep a brave face. Most of the time I pulled it off although one occasion I did break down in front of my parents and instantly regretted it. I could see how worried they were and the exchange of looks between them just confirmed they really were thinking the worst.

    After 5 courses of antibiotics I was informed the CT results showed no recurrence of Cancer. The relief was immense. I cried again in the consultant's room with absolute relief. I was informed I have a large kidney stone and that is the cause of the infections. I've been referred to the Renal department to decide what course of action will be taken.

    The same day I was given my results I went out for coffee with my parents. We were sitting outside the coffee shop enjoying the sun and I noticed I'd been bitten a few times on my leg by a mosquito. Annoying little things! My Mum popped off to shops and came back with some Anthisan. Insect bite relief cream that I have used for years. I got home and put a few spots of the cream on my leg. Within an hour the area I had put the cream on had gone bright red. Within 2 hours my entire thigh was covered in a red blotchy rash and my hands were sore and swelling. By 7pm that evening my whole body was covered in a rash and my hands were so swollen I couldn't bend my fingers. My face had started to swell and my lips were tingling. My throat also became very sore. I was a little worried so I phoned 111. It took nearly 50 minutes to get through but then 15 minutes later the lady on the phone had sent an ambulance to me.

    The ambulance arrived within minutes and I was checked over, given antihistamine and observed. After an hour the paramedics left but told me to phone 999 if I got worse. I felt dreadful. Dizzy, itchy and hot all over. I went for a cool shower and layed on my bed. After a couple of hours I started to feel worse but I didn't think it warranted using precious 999 resources so I took more antihistamine.

    At 5am my son came down as he had work at 6. He took one look at me and said he was not going in. I could barely see as my eyes were closing due to the swelling. I assured him I was OK even though I felt far from it and as soon as he left for work I phoned my parents. My dad came straight round and we went off to the hospital.

    I arrived at A and E and was informed there was up to a 20 hour wait. Ambulances were queuing and apparently there was not one available bed in the hospital. My Dad was unable to come in with me so I prepared myself for a long time on my own. Within 5 minutes I was triaged and then taken to a bed in A and E. A couple of minutes later I was hooked up to the blood pressure machine and told I needed an ECG as my heart rate was all over the place. I had a cannula inserted in my arm and blood was taken, then I was given IV antihistamine, steroids and hydrocortisone.

    I felt so dizzy and my breathing was a little laboured. I was told I was having a massive allergic reaction. My throat felt like it was closing and everything seemed so strange. I dozed on the bed as I felt as if the plug had been pulled and all my energy had vanished. The Doctor came to see me and confirmed I'd reacted to the Anthisan cream. I've used this stuff for years and was puzzled as to why I had suddenly reacted now. I was given more steroids and told if this didn't work I would be admitted into hospital.

    Fortunately the medication worked and the swelling on my face started to reduce. After awhile the Doctor said I could go home but I have been referred to allergy clinic to see if this was due to a combination of meds, infection and being incredibly run down or whether I have developed an allergy that may require an epinephrine auto injector (epipen) for future.

    The reaction was two weeks ago this weekend. After being discharged from hospital I was given 4 days of Steroids and have antihistamine on hand. I'm awaiting referral appointments to both Renal and Allergy departments but as of this week I feel really well.

    It has certainly been an awful few weeks and has given me a lot to think about going forward. I've some amazing people in my life who have been fantastic support over the past few weeks. I've got lots planned for this month and I'm really excited to be seeing Madness at Victorious Festival in a few weeks. I've said for a while that life is short and we need to live not exist. These last few weeks have reiterated that to me even more than before.
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    Impromptu Party!

    Events & Occasions Friends Relationships The Group letters-of-hope
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    It's hard to take in that we are halfway through 2021. Life seems to have been in limbo for the best part of 15 months, although thankfully it does seem to be going in the right direction now. Last weekend I did something I haven't done in a few years. I partied hard! Last Friday, several of my local group members met up for drinks. We started at 4pm, the weather was fantastic, and we all got on so well even though most had never met one another before. We are all in our 40s, and it was like we had all been caged up for so long. This was the first time that some of us had been out and socialised, and we certainly made the most of it.

    We left the pub at closing time then continued our party after in one of the members gardens, finally making our way home at 4am. After a few hours of sleep, I was up and out. A friend treated my son and I to a pub lunch by the water. It was baking hot weather but so lovely to eat, chat and enjoy the view. Also, a very rare occurrence for my son to spend the day out with me. We bumped into a few more people and another day of impromptu partying began.

    It would seem I had forgotten I was 46 and that after hardly drinking for months the body doesn't recover like it used to. Sunday I suffered. Yes, totally self-inflicted but well worth it. I pottered around the house but really didn't feel great. Fortunately Monday was a bank holiday, so I had another full day to recover before work and boy I needed it.

    About a year after my husband passed away I got into the habit of going out every day and for about 3 months partied far too much and honestly didn't really enjoy it. On reflection, it was to escape being in the house alone. My children had adjusted after their loss and were living their lives, and I felt lost. Rather than deal with it productively, I guess I hit the self-destruct button. It was only when my children pointed out what I was doing that I took stock and took control of my life. A few months later I was talked into joining a dating site. For anyone who has ever read my other blog will know, it was certainly an eye-opener.

    I did meet a great guy and for six months we would go out for meals, cinema, concerts. We went away together and really got on well. 3 years later we are still friends. Nothing went badly between us. It just fizzled out, but he gave me the confidence to carry on dating and over the years I've met some very weird, some very nice and some down right strange people on my quest to find love again. I had my first relationship that for the most part was very good, and I saw a future I liked the look of. Sadly, it didn't work out. I started my other blog and then my group and this has opened my world up in ways I could never have imagined.

    I run a Facebook group about dating and starting again, and many people have asked if I'm going to start dating again now the world has opened back up. I did set up my dating profile again, a couple of months back and quickly made it private when I realised it's the same old thing, and it bores me and my heart really wasn't in it. Being inundated with inappropriate messages is not my idea of fun and if I'm brutally honest there is not one person on these sites who has sparked my interest in a while.

    Some photos were taken last weekend and sent to me of our night out. Although I hate my own photo being taken I look really happy, and I am, but as I looked at them, I realised there is something missing in my life. I miss being part of a couple. I miss someone to just cuddle up on the sofa and watch crap TV with. I miss the simple things like a good morning or good night text, holding hands and going for a walk. I miss the intimacy you can only get from a partner. Things that are all too often taken for granted.

    This got me thinking about what I want. I do not want to be a party animal that is trying to fill a void by going out all the time. Neither do I want to waste time sifting through the endless mountain of inappropriate messages or men whilst trying to find someone honest and decent. I believe in fate, being in the right place at the right time. So whilst I may dip in and out of the dating apps (it does provide a source of amusement at times), I think I will leave my love life in the hands of fate. If it's meant to be, it will be. I'm a sociable person and my confidence is growing all the time, and I'm meeting new people through my group or work, so who knows what is in store for my future.
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    Every day I continue to learn more about myself, and I'm rather enjoying the journey!

    Blog Friends The Group Work letters-of-hope
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    3 weeks have flown by since I last wrote. With further restrictions being lifted life is beginning to be fun again. I am now going into the office 3 days per week and work is definitely getting busier.

    Last Thursday I had to take a huge step out of my comfort zone and give a presentation via zoom to a very large potential client. In a 'normal' world it would have meant a long journey to the North East. The introduction of many now working from home has eliminated that, so I guess one positive has come from the lockdowns we have endured.

    Usually in my work I am very confident but the morning of the presentation I woke up and was a bundle of nerves. I had my hypnotherapy in February for my confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, and it has been life changing. Thursday did put it to the test. My therapist has helped me overcome my anxiety by getting me to realise the same physical symptoms I experience when anxious are identical to those when I'm excited about something, so Thursday I just kept reminding myself I was excited to have been given the opportunity to deliver this presentation.

    30 minutes before the presentation I went for a walk to clear my head. I then went to the ladies and stood looking in the mirror and told myself out loud I can do this. I was dressed in business wear, the first time since November, I looked the part and felt totally at ease and confident entering the zoom conference in front of 3 senior managers and the MD of the company I was presenting to.

    My presentation was to last an hour and I knew I was the last person they would be seeing that day, with 4 competitors before me. No pressure! With the help of my Networks Director the presentation was delivered. At the end I was informed a decision would be made in two weeks. I was also a little worried when one of the senior managers said he'd like to provide feedback. My heart sank when he said I've not done this with the others but…. He went on to say how impressed he was and lots of other fantastic comments. I wanted to burst with happiness but had to maintain my professionalism. I did pretty much float home.

    Personally, life is going well. My Facebook group is continuing to grow. With just under 800 members and fantastic feedback and reviews I really cannot believe how well it has done in just over 4 months. I continually get comments saying what a fantastic group it is, how much fun people are having and what I love is the fact that so many people, like me, have connected with others we would never have met. I've already met with a few people who I've got to know through my group and have a night out planned this week to meet with about 10 others.

    What started off as a bit of a joke at a very low point in my life has turned into something I am incredibly proud of creating. My therapist has been giving her services free each week to my group members, and we have covered so many topics including, confidence, self-esteem, setting boundaries, creating your own reality and many more. My silly little group has turned into a safe, fun network of like-minded people. We laugh and joke, there is a lot of innuendo and banter. We tell our stories, which are always met with positive and encouraging remarks. One of my male group members put a comment up the other day saying he thought my group was the best he had come across and congratulated me on starting it. I'm learning to accept and appreciate the compliments I receive, something I always hid away from before as I never thought I was worthy of them. Now I embrace it.

    Somebody I cut ties with in January reached out to me 2 weeks ago. We had been friends for a number of years, but he did something that hurt me. I now know my reason for feeling hurt was because I never set boundaries. That was due to my lack of confidence. I do not hold grudges and I did accept the olive branch that was handed to me. He said he had missed me, and he does appreciate me. Something his actions didn't show in the past, but I guess that was because I allowed it.

    I am still the same person I have always been but this time I have boundaries. I know my worth. I feel like me but a better version of me. I've stopped trying to please everyone all of the time at the detriment of my feelings. I like who I am. I like how I look and I'm happy. This version of me is taking some getting used to for my friend which I find amusing. Every day I continue to learn more about myself, about who I am, what I want and what I need, and I'm rather enjoying the journey.