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Today's blog is about an important series of events that became the catalyst for my blog, 'Roaming Brit.' Ten years ago, in 2015, along with my husband Darrell, I was a victim of sustained bullying, from people who worked for one of the oldest charities in the World. This period was the most distressing and abusive time in our relationship together. Even today, I still suffer from the effects of a phase, that will forever remain a part of my psyche. I will always carry the burden of torment around with me. It was quite simply an interval, a glitch, that was responsible for a change in our circumstances, that we are still living through today, despite the memories finally fading into the background.
Bullying is something you think only occurs in childhood, but when it happens in your mid-forties, you can't believe what is actually transpiring before your very eyes. Both Darrell and I, were working alongside one another as Managers, for a large NGO on the south coast of England. Both of us thoroughly enjoyed our positions, especially working with the volunteers who worked for us. I was always taught, from an early age, to look after and protect the most vulnerable people in society. As a Manager for a charity, it was part of my remit and something I was very aware of, every day I went to work.
You can imagine my horror, when two of Darrell's paid employees, began targeting and abusing a particularly defenseless member of his volunteer team. He naturally asked me for advice. We were both in the same positions at work and as a Manager it is something we had to deal with on rare occasions. I suggested he report it as a safeguarding issue and the HR department would do the rest. I had no reason to expect anything different. Furthermore, I felt sure the organisation would do all it could to protect, the individual concerned — how wrong I was!
Not only did the charity do nothing to support Darrell or the victim, but those responsible started bullying Darrell as a result. From attacks on personal property, to homophobic abuse and attacks at work, the abuse was relentless. Darrell became ill, withdrawn, and his mental health became a source of concern. As someone who had worked for the charity longer than him, I decided to do what I could to help.
Despite doing my best to intervene, I was also dealing with a safeguarding issue at my own place of work, which was also being disregarded by my boss. Later, a former colleague also began to attack me personally, and it appeared on the surface, at least, that both of us were being singled out for protecting others.
With no support from our mutual boss, within a short space of time, we both became ill. We were advised to stay away from work, for our own health and wellbeing. Our mental health was in tatters, as we sought answers as to why nothing was being done to protect us and others. I contacted helplines and organisations who could help. I spoke with my union, ASDAW and anti bullying charities, including 'Solent Mind' based in Southampton. All of them said the same thing, we were being targeted for safeguarding others and as they dug deeper, under the surface, our sexuality was also a factor as well. I can't describe the feeling you get, when you realise you are being mistreated, for just doing the right thing. It hits you head long, like a brick in the face.
For a year we suffered, while still trying to find answers as to why we were being ignored. Despite returning to work for a brief period, in the end, just before our wedding in 2015, we both decided to pack up, sell up and leave the UK for good. Every professional organisation we talked to, said this was the right thing to do. The sociopathic nature of what we endured, would never stop until we made the decision to walk away, from the sinister nature of mistreatment we were dealing with. It took a while, but finally, after talking to family, friends and professionals, we left for a new life in Spain.
My last day at the charity was tinged with sadness, leaving the volunteers behind. We had built up a great rapport over the years, and they were a big part of my life. The Head of HR came in, to try to draw a line under this sorry chapter, and we both spoke candidly about just what had happened. She agreed the way I was treated was a disgrace, but said there wasn't much the charity could do, since its reputation was at stake. Despite knowing just how malevolent and malicious those involved had been towards us and many others, (We weren't the first) there was very little she could do. The primary person responsible was a known bully and abuser, and she had done this many times before.
Our new life in Spain was a breath of fresh air. We had a new, strong and altruistic network of friends and colleagues and an even bigger group of Expats, who helped us begin the transition from turmoil to tranquillity. We were both as happy as we could be and loving every day again on the beautiful Costa Blanca. Smiles returned to both our faces as we finally escaped the pain we left behind.
Despite writing about my experiences as often as I could, answering emails and messages from readers who were also suffering from bullying, we both enjoyed a happy existence in Spain. I received many cries for help over the two years I was living in Gran Alacant, even from those who actually worked at the charity I once held in such high regard. These were the hardest messages to reply to, and I just gave them the advice that was given to me — Never try to beat a sociopath, you will always fail!
Personal tragedy ended our time in Spain all too quickly. While sat surrounded by packing boxes in the lounge of our villa in Puerto Marino, I received an unexpected call. The Charity Commission was investigating the charity I had worked for and wanted to hear my side of the story. I was finally given an opportunity to give mine and Darrell's side of the events that brought us to Spain; it was a vindication of everything we had gone through — finally someone was listening to us.
I never found out the results of the enquiry. However, I finally realised that many others in the UK and further afield, had also suffered at the hands of people who had no place working with vulnerable people. I was made aware that changes would take place. Although nothing could be done to save mine and Darrell's careers, we were helping the commission compile evidence, against people who were distinctly corrupt and disturbing in nature, and for that they were truly grateful.
Since then, I haven't thought about that terrible time in 2015 too much. I do have days when the pain resurfaces, and I do suffer with severe anxiety every day, but my life is so much better now than it ever has been. In a way, the success I enjoy ten years later, is all down to the bullies who gave us such a hard time. So I suppose I should finally take the opportunity to thank them, for affording us the life we enjoy in Australia. So thank you — I hope you are also enjoying the fruits of your labour as well.
During the 30 years we have been together, neither of us have experienced blatant bullying and abuse. As I look back over our years together, it is painful to relive such painful experiences, but it was a time that made us stronger as a couple and more aware of the ugly nature of people. Not everyone in your life is good for you, and it really is up to you to kick them into the long grass and carry on living your best life. They were terribly soul-destroying months in 2015, but without them, we wouldn't be where we are today, and for that, fate gave us a second chance and a reason to exist again.
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Today, as part of a series of blogs, celebrating mine and Darrell 30 years together, I am writing about the attachment we both have, to various adopted homes across the World. Darrell and I have done a lot of travelling since we met in 1995 and have lived in a good few places, both in the UK and further afield. You won't be surprised to hear, we have built many emotional attachments to various countries, during our 30-year relationship. We have lived in the UK, Spain and Australia and even brought a house in France. We were both born to travel, and that will never change, no matter where we are in the World.
Currently based in Australia, I think it's safe to say we both yearn for Europe. When we bought our house in France, back in the early 2000s, we both had a dream to live on the continent. Buying a small stone cottage, in the village of Le Lande St Simeon, in Swiss Normandy, meant we finally had a foothold in Europe. Of course back then, we had no idea where we really wanted to be, so bought our house, site unseen, in the hope it would become our forever home. At the time, thousands of Brits were buying up property, especially in France, and we didn't want to miss the bus, so to speak. A small house in France, was a big step on our journey together and the beginning of a love affair, that is still very much alive today.
2000 - 2004 was a productive time for both of us, running our own business in Salisbury. Our time was valuable, and although we travelled to France once a month, our commitments prevented us from taking our French dream any further. Instead, we bought a holiday home up north in the UK and another house to rent out, not too far from our new home in Lancashire. Eventually, we made the difficult decision to sell the French house and concentrate on setting up our life together in the UK. Despite this, our European dream was still there and both of us longed for a new life away from Britain.
Nearly fifteen years after we bought our house in France, we finally realised our dream once again. After our marriage in 2015, we packed our bags and left the UK, heading to Gran Alacant on the Costa Blanca and a new adventure in Alicante. This was a place we could finally call home, and we both fell in love with this little urbanization, just fifteen minutes from Alicante Airport. We had finally found somewhere we both loved and began planning for a future in Spain. Of course, it had its ups and downs, but this was what we both wanted and were determined to make this new journey work for the both of us!
Unforeseen circumstances changed our whole outlook on Spain, just a few months after we arrived. Although we loved everything about our life in Gran Alacant, it just wasn't to be. When I look back now, I am sad we didn't fight harder to stay. At the point we both finally felt settled, both our respective parents fell ill, Brexit became law, and worst of all, the Pandemic hit the World. We probably could have fought harder, but it wasn't a battle either of us were prepared to undertake. After a little over two years, we left — Darrell to Australia and me back to The UK.
My time back in Portsmouth with family was special. I made so many good friends in the four years I lived there, and that's all that mattered. It didn't end well family wise, but the lifelong relationships with people I worked with, has become a great source of comfort living in Australia. We really did make some fabulous memories to take with us, and I will always look back at my time working at Tesco, with immense fondness. Of all the companies I have worked for, over the years in the UK, Tesco has been the best, without exception. At my time of life, it is important to have memories and a sense of satisfaction. Money is no longer critical and my time living back home in Pompey, showed me how valuable friends are!
When Darrell returned from Australia, after his Mother's condition became manageable, we both planned to settle down in The UK once again. We both had jobs we loved, working with people we adored, and at the time, were extremely content with the family bonds we had. I say had, because that changed in the blink of an eye, our fate literally changed overnight; a row between us and my Cousins got out of control and Darrell and I made the decision, to leave the UK for good.
My family, no matter how much I love them, have always been rather fractured; that is true on my paternal and maternal side. It was no surprise when boiling tensions came to a head one evening at my Aunts house. I felt rejected and cast aside, but that is the nature of my family. One minute your face fits, the next it doesn't. I was never truly allowed to have an opinion living at my Aunts, and Darrell and I never really had the privacy we needed. So in many respects what transpired was good and forced us to finally make the decision to move to Australia, no matter how reluctant I had been, to move here over the years.
Mine and Darrell's life has always been a rollercoaster ride. We have had great productive periods, like when we lived and ran a business and Salisbury, but in the main it has never been stable. When you marry someone from a different continent, life will never be the easy ride your peers enjoy, although they may of course disagree.
Having lived in Australia for three years now, we are finally doing the best we ever have and achieving everything we have ever wanted. We bought a new house and car, we both have fantastic jobs we love, and we can afford to travel whenever we want. In Western Australia, we don't want for anything. If we had moved here years ago, I think both our lives would be very different today, but we didn't, and we struggled as a result.
Despite the success we now enjoy, neither of us are fully content with our life down under. People here are not as welcoming as those in Spain or The UK, and although we have a very close network of friends, who we value immensely, we don't have the integrated structure we had living in Europe. That does make for a very lonely existence if I am perfectly honest, and both of us really do look back at our previous life with envy.
We are well aware of where we are better off, however. For the next ten years at least, we will be living here, working hard to pay the bills, accumulating enough money for the next stage of our adventures. In retirement, we will probably not be living in Australia. It seems likely we will rent out our house here in WA and live a more frugal existence in Asia. Initially Spain would have been top of our list once again, but with uncertainty on the continent and geopolitics playing its part, I think we would prefer a more balanced, anchored life, in Thailand or Vietnam.
We will have many more options available, once the house is paid off, and until then we will just continue to strive for a better retirement. Neither of us knows what will happen down the road, but we can at least plan for every eventuality. We will never be multi-millionaires or indeed well off, but we will always be able to survive in circumstances, where others would simply fail. This journey has taught us much about the meaning of life and at 54 years old, it isn't over yet. Despite everything, despite the way we feel and despite the challenges ahead, both of us are looking forward to a productive future and the beginning of the final chapter in our partnership together!
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The countdown is on for our 30th Anniversary, a milestone by anyone's standards, let alone a couple of old gay men, who met in their early twenties in 1995. This year we will be travelling to Bangkok and Singapore, where we will spend two weeks visiting our favourite part of the World. For now, we are staying firmly in Australia. After I caught particularly nasty infections on the last two occasions we travelled abroad, we decided to leave it a year before travelling again, in the hope I am fully recovered.
This week's blog will be the first in a series, looking back at our thirty years together. We have certainly led a very different life to most of our peers, but I really wouldn't change that for the World. Darrell and I are not the high-flyers, that many of our friends and family are, but we have approached life in a very pragmatic way. We were always aware that the relationship we had would be difficult, so we understood, relatively early on, the limitations of success in our chosen fields. As a trained political expert, I never realised my dreams; nevertheless, both of us have built a happy, long-lasting partnership together, and at least now, we are finally making up for lost time!
In today's video log, I spoke about a subject, mundane to many, but life changing for us — paperwork! For the last three decades we have had to document our very existence to the authorities, of whichever country we were living in at the time. From The UK, Spain and Australia, we have had to keep every single receipt, bank statement and bill, indeed everything that was important, to prove we were in a committed relationship together. When we moved countries, we had to take an extra flight case full of paperwork, just to show we were still together. If I am honest, it has been a burden that completely changed the way we lived our life, and has left a lasting reminder on our daily routine — even now, 30 years later.
Today the World has changed — In Australia, Spain, and the UK, we have rights that we could have only dreamed of in 1995. Nevertheless, we have still had to document our relationship, only this time in a digital, rather than the usual paper centric way. Yes we still have to keep the significant, indispensable things, like old passports, mortgage forms and marriage and birth certificates, but we don't have to drag everything across the World with us, as we used too in the past.
You know what, I worked out the other day, that Darrell and I have moved over forty times during our life together, and every time, that large flight case of stuff came with us — until now. With the most important files with me in Australia, the remainder is with my Father, at his home in Britain. The day will come when it is transported over to our house in Australia, but until then, at least I know it's safe a sound.
When you meet the person you love, you never second guess how your life will pan out. You take each day at a time; you grow and experience things together, and you learn to accept that not everything will work out as you would have hoped. Despite the spontaneity of life, we have always had that nagging certainty, that wherever we went, we would always have to prove the enduring nature of our relationship together — that is very different to my friends and family.
The difficulties we experienced as a gay couple are still at the back of our minds, despite western societies moving on from the discrimination of the past. I am especially conscious, of the rolling back of equal rights for gay people, in countries like the United States and Russia. For that reason, our relationship remains the most important achievement in my life. We have remained together despite everything that was thrown our way. After thirty years together, we still keep the receipts, mainly out of habit, and I am still personally documenting our life, even if it is in the form of a blog. I think until the day I die, I will always record events in a way no one else does, and that is quite simply, because of the official road we tread — In reality, it has left an indelible mark on my psyche.
I will be writing more blogs, celebrating our life together over the coming months, and hope you will join me in keeping our memories alive. If you find yourself in the same position as us, starting out on this rather bumpy rollercoaster ride, my advice to you is: keep everything and never, ever, let the authorities get you down. When you finally win the battle, it will make all the fighting worth it, and that's all that matters. You won't remember the bad days, the difficult, challenging and traumatic ones, all you will think about the success you achieved, when the odds were against you, and the happiness you share, despite the anxiety you endured!
