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    Clayborne's World - A Trip Over The Atlantic!

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    Clayborne has returned to Britain after his short trip to Los Angeles. Despite not being able to go away myself, I have been following my little travel companions adventures in the United States instead. A big thank you to the Virgin Atlantic crew for taking good care of him on his journey, especially Lucy, who I work with at Tesco.

    Lucy was on her first repatriation flight and returned safely to London this week. By all accounts Clayborne thoroughly enjoyed his brief time away. It looks like he may well be travelling again very soon also. Lucy will be flying to different parts of the globe continuing to bring people back home to Britain and it will be nice for Clayborne to fly with her, helping to document her journey during this strange time, in the history of the World.

    Until Darrell and I are able to travel, as we always used to, it is quite fitting that Clayborne is able to take on that mantle during the interim, flying to places that are on my bucket list. I look forward to the day, when I am able to step on a plane once again and start where I left off in 2019. I am of course counting down the hours when I can see Darrell again, but I am also yearning to continue my journey around the World. I have rarely stayed in the UK for this length of time, without holidaying abroad at least once, so my feet are itching more than they ever have.

    Once again thanks to everyone at Virgin Atlantic, Captain, crew and Lucy for allowing me to at leat 'feel' I am there with you all. I look forward to Clayborne's next adventure to Lagos and Delhi!
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  • Published on

    Unequal Then, Unequal Now - Some things never change!

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    I’ve always felt unequal throughout my life; no matter what I’ve done or how much I have achieved, I have never felt worthy. Over the last few weeks, my well-being has sustained another setback, as I once again wrestle demons I thought were long gone. When you are constantly criticised and treated differently for who you are, you learn to accept your lot in life and blend firmly into the background. My confidence has taken many knocks over the years, but at my age, I never thought I would once again have to deal with mud slinging about a time that is really just a distant memory. Bad anecdotes have resurfaced and I have started to isolate myself from the World. I am well-used to this cycle and have learnt to live with the disassociation that follows!

    I have always believed in equality and inclusiveness. No matter what background you come from, the colour of your skin or your sexual orientation, you should never be treated differently. I have always tried to respect everyone myself and would never dream of disrespecting their choices or the direction they choose to take in life.

    As a gay man, I will never have children, which is one of my greatest regrets. I have never had a relationship with my Nieces, nor indeed my Brother and his wife and have been ignored as a member of my immediate family for many years. For a decade and a half I have never been invited to my family home on Christmas day, attended events and occasions that I should have played a part in, or given the opportunity to form bonds with those I used to regard as close. My family ties and links became so disconnected, that I no longer felt any attachment towards my kinsfolk.

    Not feeling wanted or needed is a big cross to bear. I carry around a lot of emotional baggage that is hard to shake. Just when you think you have turned a corner and start to feel comfortable in your own skin, you are once again confronted by guilt and self loathing, perpetuated by people who really have no understanding of the life you have led, the difficulties you have faced and the prejudice you have suffered. This is all part of the existence I continue to lead, even now at nearly fifty years of age, separated from my husband during a pandemic and without the support of anyone except my Aunt and her family. It makes you realise just how alone you are in the World and more importantly, just how right you were about events that continue to play their part.

    Darrell and I have battled so hard to stay together, even under the most horrendous circumstances, yet we have received no support from the people you would expect. Whatever direction we have chosen, we have done so, because we have had to, for our own peace of mind. Depression, bullying, discrimination and lack of money have always dictated what path we take. At a time when most of my peers were forging careers and building a ‘perfect’ family life, Darrell and I were fighting to remain together, under the most Draconian Government rules, designed to split same-sex couples up. We had to do what we could to keep our head above water and try and survive each day as it came. We never knew when immigration would come knocking at the door and Darrell would be deported and I would once again have to leave the UK and relocate to Australia.

    Our life has been so disjointed and challenging, that you would think we had finally earned the right to be happy in our 25th year together, but it seems, international events, illness and uncaring, hostile attitudes have once again won the day, and we are both looking at another hellacious period of instability and nastiness. This will be yet another lamentable time that I would rather forget. All I want is to be treated the same as my contemporaries and not regarded as a second class citizen, especially by those I thought understood our perplexities.

    It’s time to be that independent couple once again, with no ties and commitments and just a desire to stay together no matter what happens. We always worked better as a team, away from the outdated bigotry and inequalities that plagued our life for so long. I am not going to return to the injustices of the past, I need to fly free!
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  • Published on

    Return to Kalgoorlie!

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    I've had a pretty unremarkable week if I am honest, just plenty of working on the agenda. Since the easing of lockdown restrictions, I have become busier than ever, doing as much overtime as possible. Saving money rather than spending it is a rather alien concept for me, but nevertheless I have been doing just that, tirelessly, and have built up quite a nest egg for the future. Today I actually have more money than I have ever had and am finally looking forward to a rosy future. Equally, Darrell is saving hard in Australia and by the time this dreadful pandemic has passed, we should have enough money to finally settle down in the country of our choice..

    Darrell travelled home to Kalgoorlie this week, a gold mining town in the Western Australian outback.  Once a year, he is given a free ticket to travel anywhere in the state for a holiday, offering a welcome break away from the pressure he is under every day. Travelling to see his old school friend Tina, he was able to walk a path he hasn't walked for many years, remembering his childhood in a town that he has had a rather difficult relationship with.

    Kalgoorlie is a small town, deep in the Australian desert, with a big attitude. Rather like small town America, Kalgoorlie has its fair share of extreme views, conservative values and right wing attitudes, from a bygone era that most of us are glad to see the back of. Darrell used to tell me about his feelings growing up gay in this provincial back-water, where men were men and women knew their place. In truth, he didn't paint a very nice picture of the place, constantly referring to it as a dust bowl, homophobic and racist. This is the place where he grew up however and in the same way I still hold my childhood home of Fareham with affection, I could tell in his voice, he was happy to see it once again.

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    Speaking to Darrell on the phone it was clear he enjoyed his trip away. Seeing the changing scenery as the train travelled through open farm land and bush, relaxing on the six-hour journey was refreshing after the year he has had.

    Staycations both in the UK and Australia are 'all the rage,' as a television commentator referred to it on 'Good Morning Britain' this morning. All of us are trying to make the most of worldwide lockdown conditions in this COVID era, so staying at home is part of the 'new normal,' the order of the day. This arduous chapter has given Darrell the opportunity to travel back to a distinct time in his life, one that wasn't always happy or memorable. Like me, his childhood wasn't easy, but it made us both who we are and sometimes it helps to retrace one's steps along a road that essentially began our journey together. When I am able, I will also go to Australia and see the town where Darrell spent his childhood, until then I have been happy to see the photographs along with all of you.

    Both of us returned home to our respective countries for the same reasons, to be with our families at a traumatic time. With my Mother sadly departed, I am no longer needed here; ideally I would like to fly to Australia to be with my husband and Mother, but with the World in so much turmoil, that is impossible, and I am making the best of my situation. Luckily I am staying with a loving Aunt and family, who have done everything to support me through these last couple of years. Despite everything, I do at least have the satisfaction of getting to know my extended family once again. All of us are where we are for a reason and it is clear, I am supposed to be here at this point in my life. This is a period I will remember for all eternity, a special phase, that I will never forget, this is a time I grew stronger as a person and finally realised where my heart belongs, with the person I fell in love with twenty-five years ago!
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  • Published on

    Clayborne - Off To Los Angeles!

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    Clayborne, the Cancer Research Teddy is off to America next week, more precisely Los Angeles. It has been a while since I last travelled, so it was only right to let this little bear go off on an adventure of his own.

    During this pandemic, I have seen many new colleagues come and go at work, as furloughed staff join our ever-growing numbers at such a difficult time. One such person is Lucy, who was a member of the cabin crew for a well known airline. I have got to know this fantastic lady well over the months she has worked with us and like everyone who has joined the team, she has become a much loved, valued and respected member of staff. Without people like Lucy, the darkest days of the pandemic would have been even more difficult to bear and it is a credit to everyone who helped to keep Britain fed, that all of us managed to get through relatively unscathed.

    This coming week Lucy will be taking to the air once again, as she joins the airline, flying to Los Angeles in order to help repatriate British tourists returning home, not the easiest of jobs it has to be said under the circumstances, but all part of the new normal we are currently living through.

    Luckily for Clayborne, Lucy suggested taking him with her on her journey, photographing his time in the United States for Cancer Research and Roaming Brit. Suitcase packed, mask suitably attired, Clayborne is off, and I look forward to seeing the photographs, as I know all of you do also. A big thank you to Lucy for taking him along and best wishes for a speedy journey and safe return.
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    Those Thought-Provoking Moments That Tend To Linger!

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    Keeping Positive
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    Staying In Touch
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    Laughing
    A Friendly Ear

    I've had a rather mixed week this week, seven days of ups and downs as I try and navigate this particularly low point in my life. My theory on dealing with depression has changed dramatically over the years, as I ditched medication in favour of a more positive approach, preferring to focus my mind on beneficial activities, that help to keep me on a path to success. Beating depressive moods, looking forward to the future and learning to live with the person I am, is all part of a process that will help me win battles I have fought for a lifetime.
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    Contact with Darrell is more important now than ever. He is feeling particularly alone and has very little contact with friends and family here in the UK. He has removed himself from most social media platforms and despite efforts to remain connected with loved ones in Britain, he has been unable to stay as close to people as he would like. I use facebook to keep in contact with many individuals I would otherwise have lost touch with, and without it, I would find it almost impossible to do so, so I can understand why Darrell is finding it hard.

    Both of us are starting to make plans for the future, after COVID, but without an endless supply of money, we have to be mindful of our situation. Darrell and I have little or no disposable income, and we save every spare penny we have for our future. It is important we stay focused on our goal of finally having a permanent roof over our heads and do everything we can to achieve that. Buying a home in the UK is completely out of  reach, so it is likely we will once again move abroad and invest in a country that we both love and want to settle in - Spain and Croatia are top of our list, countries we both feel happy in.

    As my low moods have increased, I continue to do the things I enjoy most, which does help to get through the worst days. Volunteering has become a cure for my darkest moments. I work with a group of like-minded individuals, who enjoy campaigning for Cancer Research. Unlike most conventional jobs, all of us are happy to be grafting for our chosen charity. The sense of enthusiasm and togetherness shows in our hard work, determination and most importantly, our sense of fun. Monday is the most important day of the week for me, always filled with laughter, optimism and pragmatic energy. My levels of anxiety are reduced significantly and  sense of well-being improved from spending just a short few hours with friends, in a setting that never fails to let me down.

    I was also fortunate to have a cup of tea and socially distanced chat with Mrs F, a lady I have tried to take under my wing and look out for, especially during this pandemic. She has very little contact with family, like me, so I like to offer a sympathetic ear, when she needs to talk about the difficulties she faces on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels good to listen to others problems, it puts ones own issues into perspective. Mrs F is a fighter who remains stoical, even in the most extreme circumstances, and she is an inspiration to me. If each and every one of us could spend just a little time with someone like Mrs F, all our lives would be richer and better for it.

    Any activity that helps me forget my own problems is welcome. Distractions from the constant pain of IBS, numerous ailments and family difficulties is an important part of my week. Channelling energy into constructive, unequivocal pursuits is really helping me deal with the negativity and thought-provoking moments that just tend to linger. These are such challenging times that I fear I will never overcome my current state of mind. I am thankful for the friends and family I have and hope that it won't be too long before I can finally be happy and content again. Persevering, learning to cope with adverse times and remaining grounded, assured, balanced and rational are the words and phrases I use, to remind myself that nothing lasts forever, especially not today!
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  • Published on

    Still Battling Hard!

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    It's been yet another difficult week for me, not unlike the last  if I am entirely honest. I do tend to dwell on things and I just haven't been able to shake negative thoughts from my mind. I have suffered with depression for most of my life and for the most part have had to learn to deal with it myself. When I look back at the darkest points, the most difficult, challenging times, I am reminded of the connection they all share, namely the people, and the influences they exerted over my sense of well-being, in a negative or positive way!

    Last week I was reminded of just how nasty people can be and that continues to remain a source of angst. I have done all I can to rebuild bridges and become a better person, especially after the death of my Mother last October. I thought I had reached a 'happy' point in my life and was feeling a little more content with my situation, even with my husband being trapped on the other side of the World, during the middle of a pandemic, but it seems, I was wrong. My feelings and emotions have taken a back seat over the last year, because other people have needed the support and encouragement to rebuild and rethink their lives. I have been patient and happy to give my time, to ensure a more agreeable consensus is achieved and I believed we had reached a happy medium, but that wasn't the case.  I feel totally flat and deflated and am worried I may be heading towards a place I don't want to go.

    I have learnt much about depression over the years; in the past I had a profusion of pills I could use to help get me through the day, antidepressants to take the edge off the way I was feeling or therapy to support me, as I worked through the stresses of life. Today however, I am relying on my willpower, determination and mindset to help get me through, what is becoming a tough and beguiling time. I really do not want to go down the medication route as it just masks the problems I have, leaving them as real as ever, only simmering on the back burner until a later date. I haven't  had to face my demons without a little medical help before, but it is something I need to do now.

    Speaking to a friend yesterday, they were concerned I wasn't my usual self and the truth is, I'm not. I feel so let down on many fronts; it is taking a toll on my personality; I have become insular and aloof from the people I need most and that isn't a good sign for me. Nevertheless, it is all I have to deal with the hurt I am feeling and I will continue to do what I believe is right. I have given all my life and never received anything in return. I am withdrawing an important part of who I am, because of what someone has once again done to me. Having been brought down to a level I am not comfortable with I am trying to work out what to do for the best. Life is one big struggle, which seems to have got harder and I just don't want to deal with it; I don't have the fight in me to confront or agonise over circumstances that were not of my making.

    All I can do today is escape from the dejection and sadness that I feel and deal with the aftermath at a later date. I am throwing all my energy into work, doing as much overtime as possible and looking for other creative outlets for my writing, so I can continue to express myself in a positive way, on a platform away from this blog. This is a personal forum to showcase my emotions as honestly as I can, but sometimes honesty with oneself isn't the way to overcome tempestuous upset, it just allows me to indulge in a sea of self-pity, selfishness and defeatism. As my mood changes, so does my writing and throughout the last five years of this blog, I have encountered many ups and downs, this is yet another bump in the road, that will play out in front of a readership who hopefully understands the difficulties I face.

    I am currently watching Schitt's Creek on Netflix, a hilarious take on failure and loss of wealth and the challenges faced by a family left impoverished, having to pick up the pieces of a broken life. We have all done that from time to time, it is a reminder that life doesn't always run smoothly and although only a television programme, it has offered me an escape at a stressful time. Watching TV, writing, working and social media has given me a channel to relieve the pressure I feel under currently. Speaking to Darrell in Australia is also a welcome break from the tension and trepidation I feel constantly and I hope it will continue to get me through the  dark days.
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    None of us are finding life easy during this pandemic. In the past, if I had felt the way I do today, I would have just taken off for a few days away or gone to see friends, things none of us can do presently. I am not used to coping with situations beyond my control and will just have to muddle through somehow. Looking out for number one, concentrating on myself for a bit and doing what I want, rather than what people expect of me should help in the short term. Eventually I will come to terms with my retrogressions and past mistakes, of that I have no doubt. Today I want to stay focused and determined to build a future for Darrell and I and finally accept that I will never be the person others want me to be, then and only then will I have made it, comfortable with the person I am and happy to smile again!
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