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    The Little Things That Keep Me Sane!

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    It's been another debilitating week if I am honest. Living in the new COVID-19 World, has really taken its toll over the last week and there have been many occasions, I've just wanted to run away and hide. The constant anxiety triggering situations, are getting me down more and more, as each day passes. However, I am one of the lucky ones, who is active and able to carry on living as normal a life as possible. Work, in whatever capacity, is the real saving grace for me. Being around people is so important right now and on the day the Government announced Portsmouth is moving into the higher Tier 3, of Coronavirus restrictions, I am able to at least appreciate the little things that make me happy.

    Entertainment venues, pubs and restaurants will be shutting down from Saturday and for those not working, on furlough, it is yet another blow to their sense of well-being, in this crazy time we are living in. Luckily, I am surrounded by people every day, it is rare for me to spend anytime on my own, so yet another draconian lockdown won't change my life that much. In reality, I haven't eaten out in a while, or even been able to spend quality time with friends, for an even longer period of time, but that doesn't seem to be bothering me too much.

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    At Cancer Research I am surrounded by friends and colleagues and each of us have done our best, to make each other smile. I have always had a great sense of fun anyway and my few hours a week volunteering just brings out the best, or some would say, worst in me. Monday morning is a time to relax and unwind from the previous week and I do make the most of my shift; this is a day I look forward to, suffering mentally when the shop was closed during the first wave of the pandemic. It is easy to see how people lose hope when they live alone, can not leave their homes or have to shield from the worst of the pandemic.

    I am fortunate to be one of those rare breeds of people, who can always keep myself occupied, no matter how long I spend on my own, so this has become a time for reflection, writing and reassessing one's life. My days volunteering, working for a cause I truly believe in, gives me an escape from the worst of 2020. Taking photographs, gossiping and just having people to talk to, is really the icing on the cake, the glue that holds all of us together as a team

    With the Newcome Arms closed indefinitely, until it becomes safe to work behind the bar again, I feel one of the lucky ones to still be furloughed. The Newcome is a popular local pub and there will always be a place in the hearts of all the patrons, for this venue; when we do open again, the bar will be as busy as it ever was. Unlike other businesses, the Newcome will bounce back stronger than ever, of that I am assured, and I do look forward to the day I can return safely. I still see many of the customers daily in my 9 to 5 job, less than half a mile away. This local supermarket is the place that has kept me going and stopped me from becoming so depressed, that I find it impossible to function.

    Getting up every day, going to a job you love, conversing with colleagues and enjoying the banter with customers has been the biggest lifeline of all. I have worked particularly hard this year, during the pandemic, and it has kept my mind focused on the goals I set for myself. I have had very little time to think about my position and even less time to Wellow in my own self-pity. Listening to the concerns of shoppers and those I work with, have allowed me to forget my own difficulties, for the last nine months, and I am grateful to have had employment at such a challenging time for our country. I never would have believed, just how much my job in a supermarket, would have meant to me this time last year. This job to tide me over, while I stayed in the UK, has been the one thing that has given me a sense of purpose, while so many others lost direction, this has been the chink of light at a time of darkness and the road to freedom, during a year of heartache!
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    Words In The Night!

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    I've thought long and hard about posting this but I've decided to be braver going forward, so here goes.

    Last night I struggled to sleep. I'd had a busy day but just could not switch my head off. Words just kept going round and round. No matter which way I laid in my bed nothing was comfortable. The frustration of wanting sleep kept me awake even more. I got up, went downstairs, made a drink, anything to occupy my mind from the words that were bugging me beyond belief. I've had this many times over the years and never found a solution until this morning.

    At 2:58 I decided to write the words down. I've said writing has really helped me and I hoped by putting the words down on paper they would get out of my head and let me find sleep. Below is what came out and the funny thing is as soon as I had written it I went to bed and slept like a baby. So here it is, the rambling words that had plagued me for hours but fell on to the paper within a matter of minutes.


    WORDS IN THE NIGHT

    How can the person you knew so well leave you lying damaged and broken, living in hell?
    Was it all a lie I need answers, I do.
    Was anything that was said honest and true?
    Ice cold heart, dead inside, pulled along with the moving tide.
    Eyes wide shut to see no more, the pain I was in on the floor.
    An emotionless void the tears have run dry, there's nothing left to make me cry.
    Dazed and confused.
    Questioning why?
    I really had to say goodbye.
    A life to live, my love to give.
    Maybe another time.
    The smile I wear shows no care, pretending I am fine.


    I'm not sure you can call it poetry, to me, they are just my words and I'm finding it is so much healthier to get them out.
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    My Christmas Wish - Ajay Lewington!

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    My Christmas wish is that No one is alone and that even if they are, they don’t feel alone! The world is a crazy place at the moment, but we all have ...
    Hands to hold
    Ears to listen
    Eyes to see
    Mouth to speak
    And a choice .... a choice to want to help and spread the love!

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    Dizziness!

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    Most of you understand the so called 'Health Anxiety' that dominates my life; this is an affliction I have been saddled with for probably two years now, since returning from Spain to the UK. Most people have said the feelings I am experiencing, are all in my head and so far I have gone along with their amateur assessments. However, their diagnosis failed to understand the nature of the human body. Over the past twenty-four months I have begun to unravel the difficulties I have been suffering and far from being health anxiety' based, they are real, debilitating concerns, that play an active role in my well-being.

    There is one particular problem, that seems to be plaguing my life daily, especially at the moment and it appears to be getting worse, every single day. Dizziness, disorientation, lightheadedness and blurred vision, all contribute to a feeling of unbalanced agitation and torment and no matter what I do, nothing makes it better.

    My first bout occurred about a year ago. Whilst working, I was overcome with a sense of disassociation, everything was spinning, and I felt like I was going to collapse. Immediately I took myself to A&E fearing the worst, as someone with anxiety generally does. They did a series of tests and examinations and came back with nothing, blank, unable to understand what the cause of the issue was. I was given some anti sickness medication and told to ride it out.

    The vertigo seemed to have resolved itself, by the time I believed I had COVID in March of this year, when it returned with a vengeance. Ever since then I have been feeling steadily worse and it is beginning to take its toll. I did manage to get an appointment with an optician, thinking that maybe the varifocals  I wear were responsible. There have been similar stories of other people, who wear spectacles, experiencing symptoms like mine. The test concluded the lenses were correct although I do have the beginnings of cataracts forming in both my eyes. I was told to persevere and once again sent on my way.

    I have periods when I can wear my glasses, but there are other times I just can't, as it makes the wooziness worse. Sometimes I have to work all day, unable to see properly with blurred vision. I have also started to become sensitive to light and find the intensity of the sun or fluorescent strobes too much to bear. A second optician asked me to describe my symptoms and made a diagnosis of silent migraines. You experience all the signs of a migraine, without the actual headache itself. After talking with him further, he explained the visual disturbances, dizziness and aura involved, in great detail, all of which manifest in my case.

    My Doctor has however, as you would expect, suggested this is just an attribute of anxiety, sighting dizzy spells as a common factor in Generalised Anxiety Disorder, which she believes I have. I was also prescribed Propranolol, a beta blocker drug to help cope with anxiety. This nasty little pill was terrible to get used to. I had to stop taking it twice, because of the side effects, which do include feeling faint and unsteady. I believe my pulse rate dropped so much, that it became difficult for my heart to pump enough oxygen rich blood around my body, to the extremities, including my head. Also, as a consequence, I suffered with extremely cold hands and feet another sign of a circulatory disorder.

    I have started to wean myself off the Propranolol, which is extremely difficult to achieve. Taking oneself off beta blockers is painful and shouldn't be done lightly. Prescribed 120 mg a day, during the height of the pandemic, today I am down to 40 mg. I am however experiencing mild chest pain and thus far my unsteadiness has just increased, although my cold hands and toes have all but disappeared. I am of course hoping the way I am feeling today, is because of the withdrawal effects of the drug. Given a choice now, I would never take this medication again.

    Dehydration was another possibility, causing me to drink copious amounts of water, keeping me up half the night, running back and forth to the toilet. Introducing more iron to my diet, thinking I had anaemia, didn't improve the problem, nor did taking magnesium supplements because of the medication I take to control my hiatal hernia. Lansoprazole is great for reducing stomach acid, but it does deplete magnesium levels, thus rendering long term use useless. Speaking with my Doctor on Monday, I hope to arrange a medication review and eventually come off this acid lowering drug soon. All of this medication is great initially, but after it for a while, you soon realise, just how bad it is.

    There is another theory, that has been suggested as a possible reason for the feeling of disorientation, and that is Long COVID. Speaking to others who had or who were suspected of having Coronavirus, many of them are experiencing symptoms beyond the initial illness and dizziness seems to be a strong contender in every case. This is nausea that I haven't ever experienced, and at times it can affect many aspects of my life. I am just hoping that by stopping the Propranolol and once again making an appointment to see an optician, having yet another eye test, that the symptoms will start to dissipate and I can get back to a sense of normality, but that isn't certain.

    For someone who does suffer with anxiety, I am constantly thinking the worse and have been close to taking myself to hospital on a number of occasions. I hope the next few weeks will begin to offer a more significant diagnosis of what is going on, so I can once again start to enjoy life, until then I'll just keep managing as best I can, holding on tightly to surfaces, to stop me falling and smile sweetly as if everything is going alright...... Which of course it really isn't!
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    Nurturing The Writer Inside!

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    Nearly 2 weeks have passed since I last wrote on here and what an eventful couple of weeks it's been. When I last wrote it was my birthday and I'd had a bit of a wake-up call. I needed to get a grip and appreciate what I have and start living my life. There was something that had been playing on my mind in recent weeks and was adding anxiety to my life. I addressed it the day after my birthday. It took a huge amount of strength but I did it. It has given me closure and perspective.

    I really have smiled more these past 2 weeks, I've had many smiles returned and it's amazing how differently I've started to feel now compared to the beginning of November. I'm still having moments when I could easily just hide in my bed, but they are becoming less frequent and I can honestly say there have been a lot more good moments than bad. I've made a conscious effort to get out more. I've met up with people and been out for quite a few walks and drives to the beaches and parks. I even managed to go to a pub at the weekend. Great food, drink and company. I can honestly say I have thoroughly enjoyed these past couple of weeks and I'm looking forward to what is planned for the next few.

    I have also started a new project which alongside work and my growing social life is certainly keeping me busy. I said in my first blog I had been writing bad poetry, thoughts and feelings, little ditties and stories for years. Until I started this blog none of my writing has been seen by anyone. I have never been brave enough. I'm still not ready to give my name or put a photo up but this is a huge step for me. This blog has given me the courage and opportunity to off load my thoughts and feelings that I struggle to tell people. It has been extremely cathartic and has helped me in more ways than I ever thought possible. It's also been the catalyst for my project.

    Just under 2 weeks ago a friend shared a page on facebook. It is called The Divorced Dad and is full of hilarious posts and stories. Have a look, it's a giggle. I laughed aloud reading some of his stories and it was so good to do so. He put up a post asking people to message him their stories, poems or thoughts and said he would post anonymously. I don't know what came over me. I thought about it for a while and thought oh what the heck do it. I messaged him a poem I wrote a couple of years back when I started dating for the first time. It was just a daft poem but it had humour in it. The reply I got really shocked me. He gave me amazing feedback and said I was very talented. (I still find that hard to believe). He told me I should set up my own page and put my stuff out there. We messaged each other for a few days about his posts and what I have, and he again encouraged me to set one up. I didn't know where to start and he very kindly became a bit of a mentor, encouraging and advising me on how to create a page. He has also become a friend. I created a page, wrote my first post and sent it to him before I actually made it live. He loved it, told me to be brave and post. So I bit the bullet and did it. I didn't post the poem I sent him to start with, I posted a piece of writing about starting over. Dating for the first time after losing my husband. It's a humorous look at dating over 40. I was terrified of getting negative responses. I have very little confidence and the past few months that's diminished even more. I have been suffering huge self-doubt in everything I do so to do this put my anxiety level on high.

    I love humour, I love to laugh and I love to make others laugh. Seeing someone happy and laughing at something I've done gives me a huge amount of pleasure. My new found friend posted on his site my blog with a link to my page and within a matter of minutes my phone was going mad with notifications of comments, likes and people following my page. I was completely dumbstruck. The comments were fantastic and some shared their very funny stories. In the space of 2 hours I had over 100 people liking and following my page. I was totally blown away. Not one negative comment. Unbelievable!

    I followed up my first post with my poem and again received great comments and private messages saying how funny they thought it was. I am still in doubt that it's any good.

    The page has been running for a week now and each day I'm getting new followers, likes, comments and messages. I've been approached by a lady asking me to contribute to her web page. Which I have done. This may all be a flash in the pan but I'm enjoying every minute while it lasts. The fact that I've been able to bring a little light relief to a few people during a really crappy year really does fill me with happiness. In return the comments I've received have made me laugh and given me a much-needed boost.

    Laughter has been the best medicine for me. I'm also incredibly proud of myself for how far out of my comfort zone I have gone. I feel like I finally have a voice. Through this blog and my own daft humorous one, I can get everything out. It's such a release. I even shared my Facebook page with family and friends. Although it's not under my name they all know who it is. I've had great feedback from them. Even my parents! One of my closest friends contributed on my page with his own dating stories. He now blames me for getting the writing bug. I'm happy with them seeing that side of me. The fun, happy and humorous side. I'm still reluctant to share all of my feelings but I have made progress. The tiny spark inside of me that I mentioned last time is growing each day. I'm gradually returning to my happy, fun, optimistic self. I'll be glad to say goodbye to 2020, it feels like a wasted year, but I am looking forward to what 2021 has in store.


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