Tags

  • Published on

    Tough Times!

    Picture
    Image description
    We are 11 days into the new year as I write this. Not a great deal has changed and, in some aspects, not a great deal to get excited about either.

    This is the third lockdown we have been placed under and each time we are reassured that this will only last a short amount of time and/or once this is over things will get back to some form of normality. We are reassured that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and then it seems we are taking even more steps backwards. There is so much finger-pointing and blame taking place at the moment – who has done things wrong, how some are finding things tougher than others, how some just don’t understand what it is like to be experiencing certain conditions. These are tough times for all no matter what the personal circumstances are. I don’t think anyone thought we would still be experiencing a lockdown at the moment, but we are.

    Being placed into another lockdown is tough, and I think there is a certain amount of lockdown fatigue that people are experiencing. Being placed into a lockdown during winter is tough – it is colder, it gets darker earlier in the day, our energy levels might not be as high, our motivation lacks, and do we really want to venture outdoors for a walk when it feels pretty arctic outside? Do we really want to venture out with a new strain of the virus which we are told is more transmissible than the original variant?

    As a species we are social animals – as we have evolved over thousands and thousands of years we have done so in groups and communities not as individuals – and this can have an effect on how we are feeling due to the isolation and the solitude.
    We need to be kind to each other, but before we can do that we need to be kind to ourselves.

    Taking time for our own well-being over others is important, it is not being selfish, it is about making sure we are resilient. Being hard on ourselves can be an easy thing to do – after all we are pretty powerless in the decision-making, regarding the lockdown and how long it lasts. Being hard on ourselves can be a reaction to the frustrations of the current situation, being hard on others can also be a reaction to the frustrations of the current situation. At times, it may not be intentional and just a reaction due to a series of things escalating.

    We can be kinder on ourselves and kinder to others. Being kinder on ourselves by not putting so much pressure on ourselves. We may want to change things and this is probably easier done (especially in the current circumstances) by taking smaller steps rather than much larger ones. It may seem that the prospect of that change is daunting and somewhat unachievable or insurmountable – by breaking it down into much smaller chunks that are easier to work towards and achieve is more likely to lead to longer-term achievement or success.
     
    11 days into the new year, and I’m just looking at the small wins I can make. I’m just looking at how resilient I can be from one day to the next. I’m just focusing on what I can achieve in the next week (and how it contributes to much longer-term goals and targets). I’m just focusing on being the best I can be each day and each week, is that helping me to become a better version of me. Every day I’m achieving that, I feel I’m doing well.

    Picture
    Picture
  • Published on

    Turmoil!

    Picture
    Picture
    When I got home from work last night, I was greeted by scenes of absolute carnage in America. As a 'newshound' I can often sit watching rolling news programmes all day, so I always switch on the television when I get home after my shift; last night I was shocked by the appalling drama unfolding, as 'Trump' protesters stormed the Capitol building in Washington. This was yet another example of the tumultuous times we are currently living through; there seems to be no let up in the never ending spectacle engulfing the World at the moment. For someone like me, who has my own personal demons to fight, this was just another World event, that slid straight off my back; I hardly blinked an eye.

    2020 was a terrible year, a time all of us just want to forget. Not one day has passed without me feeling anxious and worried; there hasn't been one minute, when I haven't thought about the pandemic and the dreadful state of the World, we all now inhabit. This horrifying juncture has brought our own mortality hurtling headlong into our thoughts, there is literally no getting away from the death that surrounds us every day. I think each of us was hoping for a better, more subtle and calming start to 2021, but nothing could be further from the truth.

    The first week of the new year has seen Britain return to a full national lockdown. A new variant of the Coronavirus is ravaging the population of these islands, just yesterday there were 1041 deaths and over 62000 new cases reported. We are in a very dangerous period, where no one is certain of the outcome. This new development in the life of COVID-19, is another terrible milestone in this pandemic and without a lockdown, the National Health Service would have been over run and thousands upon thousands of people would have lost their lives. As it stands now, it is likely we will reach the grim prospect of 100,000 deaths in a relatively short space of time.

    In normal times, the behaviour of a far right fascist President of the United States, would be even more shocking than it is today. However, like most people I have become rather desensitised to the madness in the Whitehouse. The four years this man has been in power, has seen a gradual erosion of standards in public life. His views on equality, race, women and sexuality has descended into a quagmire, a cesspit of disgusting views, violent incitement and other wordly vitriol. This man has brought the American Presidency and the country to its knees. The loss of respect for this once great nation is clear for all to see; the burning embers of anger shroud this narcissistic tyrant and expose him for this bigot he truly is.

    Image description
    During our conversation this morning, Darrell and I spoke about events around the globe, as we always do. He said how he didn't recognise the World any more and like me remains in a state of apprehension about the future. I feel like I am living through a terrible nightmare at the moment, one with no end in site. Everything I believe in - respect for others, dignity, fairness, equality and common decency just doesn't exist any more. People no longer care for their friends and neighbours, ignore warnings about the pandemic, cheer on a President who epitomises hate and trample over anyone who gets in their way. This is not a World I understand or want to be a part of, this is a violent, uncaring, dispassionate and impervious Earth, crumbling under pressure, dying before our very eyes.

    This is only the beginning of 2021, there is plenty of time to end this year on a high. COVID vaccines are rolling out across this country, over a million and a half people have had the jab already. Joe Biden has been duly elected as the 46th President of the United States and will usher in a new term of reconciliation and statesmanship, returning sobriety to the office of the President. There is also a repeat of 'clapping for heroes,' beginning tonight, showing respect for our key workers during this pandemic and on a personal note, I am finally looking forward to seeing Darrell this year. A year that has started at such a low point, can illuminate the path to enlightenment and a return to normality, after  such a period of anguish. Let's make this year the best ever and lay this awful time to rest!
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
  • Published on

    Scared and Alone!

    Picture
    I can't believe I'm writing this, but I don't know how else to get it out. I was dreading the holidays and tried really hard to keep myself occupied but if I'm brutally honest it has been tougher than I imagined. As everyone is struggling at the moment I've done my usual and pretended I'm fine. I'm not! I've come to the realisation that I've done such a good job in the past of keeping my feelings hidden that nobody currently in my life knows the true me and that is sad.

    I listened to the latest update last night and whilst not surprised at the new lockdown, I am distraught. I'm angry this wasn't done months ago. I'm frustrated that whilst I like most people did follow the rules others haven't. I am not worried about my own health, but I am fearful for my children who are both Type 1 diabetic and my parents who have medical conditions.

    I'm scared that these next few weeks will see me falling back into that spiral of self-pity that I had during my lowest point a couple of months back. I'm scared that my anxiety has again been triggered, and I'm terrified of those dark thoughts that sit in the periphery of my mind waiting to resurface. I don't feel able to tell my family or friends how I'm feeling as they are all going through this, and I do not wish to add to their worries.

    I've just spent over an hour on the phone with my friend whose mum was admitted to hospital yesterday with COVID, trying really hard to stay upbeat and positive for her during a very difficult time. I have been messaging an old school friend who lives alone and is struggling during this time, with positive encouraging messages as I'm concerned for him, but I cannot seem to practice what I preach.

    I hate feeling like this. I am so angry with myself and feel selfish. I'm sitting here thinking about what I want, what I'm missing out on and hate myself for it. I had made progress and been so positive in the past month, and I am now here writing like this. I'm disappointed that I seem to be allowing myself to go backwards.

    I don't go back to work until next Monday, and it can't come quick enough. Anything just to stop myself from dwelling on last year and my fears for the coming months. Anything to stop myself from doing something I desperately want to do but would get me in trouble. Anything to stop this damn overthinking.

    I found writing two positives from my day and revisiting really helpful, but I am struggling to find any positives in my days at the moment. I've re-read past writing in the hope of bucking my ideas up but nothing seems to be working. I've been busy with my page and was encouraged to create a group which has taken off well, but I can honestly say that even though I have a happy, funny persona portrayed in doing that, happy and funny is not how I feel. I live with my teenage son and I know I am luckier than others, but I have never felt so lonely or alone.

    I crave normality, I desperately need a hug. I really want for someone who knows me to realise something is wrong, to hold me and tell me that everything will be OK. Sadly none of this will happen anytime soon, so I need to sort myself out. I just don't know how.

  • Published on

    Saying Goodbye to 2020!

    Picture
    As we leave 2020 behind I think a lot of people will be glad to see the back of it. Personally I will view 2020 with bitter-sweet memories. It started off well, got better even with the pandemic and then descended into disaster. I know some of the reasons why and others not and will probably never know.

    So onto 2021....

    My aim is to become a better person and a much better version of myself. I’m not perfect and will never claim to be so. I have many faults and realise this. The aim is to work on the faults I’ve identified.

    There is a lot I want to achieve in 2021, and I will achieve all those things I’ve listed. I sat down a couple of nights ago and made a list of 10 things that were important to me, that will help to improve me both personally and professionally.

    A couple of months ago I entered the Serpent Trail 50k run – the training is going well. The training is consistent, and I am as focused as I have been in years. I won’t be taking my eye off the ball with this one for certain. I feel I put a decent base down in 2020, I completed the virtual challenge I entered (and have now entered another with a few others planned to keep the motivation and drive going).

    I’ll also be returning to study as well for another professional qualification. I gave it some thought mid-2020 but didn’t feel it was the right thing to do at the time, didn’t feel that it was the right time professionally to take this on. Things are different now, and I feel prepared to undertake this. The people in work I’ve spoken to have highlighted that I have an amazing work ethic and a very positive attitude – nice to hear that sometimes though I don’t always see it myself. I’m guessing that is the difference between how we appear and the internal dialogue we have with ourselves.

    Over the last few months I’ve been doing a lot of reading and have rediscovered my love of literature – I’ve earmarked some books I really need to read in over the next few months, some have been sat on the bookshelf for a while and others I need to purchase.

    Over the last few months I’ve had to really make sure I’m looking after my mental health. Like many I’m still working from home, I live on my own, and like many I feel isolated a lot of the time. Sometimes I really enjoy the solitude. Other times not so much – it is these times when I need to be very mindful and not be too hard on myself – this is something I really need to address in 2021. I am my harshest critic, always have been, always will be. However, I do need to give myself a pat on the back a bit more, be more realistic about the things I have achieved rather than focusing on what I could have done better when I’ve achieved something (I think as long as I’ve put my best effort and best version of myself into it then that should be celebrated). Yes, there is always room for improvement, but it is how we evaluate that. Again it is the internal dialogue. How many times do I tell myself something I’ve done is not good enough?

    I sometimes think a lot about the impact I make and the impact I can make. One person is not going to the change the world – that is totally unrealistic. I do believe that small actions can make a difference and small actions can provide a positive influence on others to change to make a difference as well. If enough people do this, then maybe the world can change to become a better place. I’ve already started taking those small actions and hope in 2021 to influence others to do the same. Changes take time and are sometimes not instant.
     
    No year is ever going to be perfect, that is impossible, and we are all going to have regrets on things that have happened, been said, not done, not said, or even missed opportunities. As I reflect on this I realise this more than most. I think 2020 has taught me a lot both about myself, how I view the world, and how I view other people. 2020 has highlighted many things to me on many levels. I’m certain that in 12 months time I will view the year based on what I have achieved and how much impact I have made personally, professionally and the impact that this has had. Like 2020 there will be things I would like to be different, some of those things may be out of my influence or control and I need to accept that and focus on those things where I became a better version of myself – not perfect just a better version.


    Picture
    Picture
  • Published on

    Is Spain Really Right For Us? - The Brexit Aftermath!

    Picture
    I've had a number of things on my mind recently, especially over the last few days, with the dawn of Brexit. Darrell and I intended to return to Spain to live, once this pandemic is over. It is a country we both love and were proud to call it home for several happy years. I often think of my time there and the friends I left behind. Both of us worked harder than anyone to achieve our resident status, retaining our respective residency permits, even today. It does look as though Brexit may well have changed all that, and a return to our old life in Gran Alacant, is just an unobtainable dream.

    After looking into the subject of residencia, it would appear our Spanish status has already lapsed, because we have been outside the country too long. This isn't entirely set in stone of course, and I have messaged a legal representative to discover if we would have to reapply for residency, or if we could carry on where we left off. Our intention was always to return one day, once our family circumstances had changed and the pandemic was over, but we just aren't sure if it is viable any more.

    Both of us fought very hard for our aspirational life and neither of us want to give it up that easily, but the truth is it may not be right for us now, as it was when we left in 2016. Neither of us are getting any younger and my reliance on the National Health Service, since I returned to Britain has been palpable. I'm not sure I would be able to have access to the Spanish system in quite the same way. Navigating the health care system in Spain, was proving difficult, whilst I was living in Gran Alacant; when my social security contribution was cancelled by my employer, without informing me, I was left with little choice, but to get private health insurance, of a sort.

    The expense involved for Darrell and I, having to fund my own health care, was particularly hard. Having to work in a job, that was out of my comfort zone was also difficult, especially when you have an employer who lacked the dignity, compassion and empathy of a decent organisation, with morals and a real sense of direction and purpose. Struggling on the Spanish minimum wage, having to deal with unscrupulous svengali type characters, is not something I want to have to do in my fifties.

    Both Darrell and I still have our hopes for the future, and they remain very much the same as they always have done. We continue to be travellers at heart and do not want to live in the UK full time. We have never really settled anywhere, buying property in France, living in Australia and Spain as well as moving to the north. I suppose Spain became the closest to the home I have always wanted, but that's not to say we can't have that somewhere else, abroad, with a better climate, more congruous to our way of thinking.

    I have a feeling that the end of Britain's membership of the EU will be the beginning of a new adventure for both of us. When things get back to normal, we will once again have to make a decision about where our future lies. Brexit may well have closed European doors, but it has opened many more as a result. There is a whole World out there and if Spain or any other Continental nation isn't a possibility, then moving further a field maybe the answer. There are many parts of the planet we haven't explored, and we may just keep travelling forever, only settling when circumstances so desire. For now all dreams are open, all destinations a probability!
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
  • Published on

    Out of Self Isolation, Into The New Year!

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Well here we are, the end of 2020, and I couldn't be happier to say goodbye to this terrible year. I am still in self-isolation, after my COVID exposure on 21 December, which has been driving me mad it has to be said. My period of quarantine ends tonight at 11.59, just in time for the new year. Like most people I won't be celebrating, so it isn't too much of an issue for me. Listening to the news earlier, it's clear all celebrations are cancelled across the country, with no firework displays, parties and events. This will be a strange night, very different to years gone by, and I will be in bed by 9pm for an early shift at work and my first day back tomorrow!

    Image description
    This is the second period of isolation I have had to do during this pandemic, and it really doesn't get any easier. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy having time to myself, but being confined indoors, not being able to leave the house, really does take its toll on ones sense of well-being, both physically and mentally. I have managed to catch up on my writing; I'm In the middle of writing my life story, even though it isn't finished quite yet... The book that is, not my life and I have also started reading again, a distraction I rarely have time for these days.

    I have also let myself go somewhat, spending the last week in my Pyjamas and not shaving as I normally would every day; well what's the point, I'm only rattling around at home. I've also caught up with friends and family on the phone and had a well-earned rest. Watching television has also taken up a lot of my time, keeping up-to-date with the latest on the pandemic, which seems to be getting worse every day; formidably so!

    People say to me, you spend too much time thinking about this damn pandemic, and I can't disagree. I have always had an interest in current affairs and politics, but this time it's more than that, it's personal. It may sound stupid, but the reality is, I don't want to end up ill or dead before I see Darrell again. I am truly scared that this virus will stop our relationship in its tracks, not because we will end up separating, that will never happen, but because of circumstances beyond our control.

    Both of us have always been in control of our destiny together and when you are separated against your will, you have all sorts of thoughts and feelings slushing around your head. It feels like a pool of water, constantly shifting, moving, agitating against the sides of my skull, frequently keeping me awake and my mind active, sometimes paused ever so slightly, for a few seconds, just to burst back into life once more. This terrible virus has given me far too much time to think and my emotions are deeply skewed because of it!

    Once again my procrastination has got to me and I need to get back to work, in the real World, no matter how bad things are at the moment, and return to normal. You can see why peoples mental health has suffered during the last year and quarantine just exacerbates negative thoughts and feelings. As I move into 2021, I want that positive side of me back, not the person who lives in the dark, never able to see the light.

    A very Happy New Year to all of you, thank you for your continued support
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture