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    Blogging Power!

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    I have been blogging since 2015 after suffering from a traumatic experience at work, resulting in illness and depression. My blog entries since, have documented my journey through the United Kingdom, mine and Darrell's new life in Spain, travels throughout ASIA and my new life back home in Portsmouth. It has been a deeply personal experience, and it has allowed me to express myself in a way that I haven't been able to before. Like most people I have all forms of social media, but that only allows for one off banal comments, that mean very little on the scale of things. Blogging created a story, filled with detail - a narrative of my life during challenging times.

    As a blogger, I have come into contact with many people. The great and good of the blogging World, readers from all corners of the planet and most importantly for me at least, old friends and people I have come into contact with during the course of my life. As a writer, I often explore my past, trying to recall events that brought me to where I am today. I like to reminisce about 'the good old days' and remember times, good and bad, that have been responsible for the memories I carry around; a reminder of who I was and who I am now. I am lucky to be able to write about circumstances that would otherwise be forgotten.

    From time to time I hear from readers of 'Roaming Brit' and also others who have stumbled across my site through facebook or a Google search. Each of them send a message for different reasons. For some, an entry has resonated with their own lives and others are looking for advice, about moving to Spain, or how to deal with bullies, as I did in 2015. Whatever their motivation, they are all part of the community I have tried to create, and they are the reason I continue to write. My personal blogging venture started off as a way of recalling events, that I just couldn't understand at the time. The entries helped me  comprehend their significance, and unravel the confusion that surrounded my life. Looking back, it became an important tool in a fight for justice, that still exists today.

    This week I heard from someone called David, who had stumbled across my blog in passing. His time during lockdown, like many of us, has allowed him to look back at his life and recall his formative years, studying in Southampton, where I lived between 1992 and 2015. David attended a different University to me, and after he sent a photograph of himself during the mid 1990s, I did remember a face I hadn't seen for a while. We didn't know each other well, but our paths had crossed at some point in the past, and he remembered certain people and occasions that had a nuance of preponderance to him. A blog should bring people together, through shared experiences and important milestones. Fortuities, twenty-five years ago, can open doors that have been closed until now. David recalled situations I had long since forgotten, triggering a multitude of emotions, about a time, growing up gay two decades ago.

    A friend once asked me, how I had so much to say, and I mentioned quite simply, 'because I never said it at the time.' You know the episodes, where you are sat in a room full of people and really want to say something, but are afraid to stand up and be counted, for fear of ridicule? Well those are the occasions I document today. Twenty odd years ago I wasn't the person I am now. I was particularly shy, rarely said diddly-squat and tended to keep myself to myself. There is so much I wish I had done and aforementioned back then, that just can't be intimated today. However, blogging gives me the opportunity to redress the balance and take back control of poignant moments that left me speechless at the time.

    This pandemic has given many people like David some extra valuable time to sit and think about the past, in a way they wouldn't otherwise have done. I have rekindled many friendships and connections during this traumatic year and for that reason, it has been a positive experience for me. When times are tough we do tend to look back towards note worthier periods, the best days of our life, when we were young, devoid of responsibility and starting our transmigration into adult life. I yearn for those carefree days, despite the difficulties I encountered. Discovering our true selves, our sense of identity and our right of self-determination are important building blocks in our enduring story. Analysing the signposts, markers of divergence and defining moments in our personal history, is an important process, as I look back and discover just want went wrong and appreciate much that what went right.


    Over the last six years, I have ascertained more about myself, than I have done in my entire life. Through blogging, self deconstruction and critical expression, I am more in tune with my psyche than ever before. Roaming Brit has become a catalyst for assertiveness and creativity, not only for me, but also for others around me. There are days I just don’t want to say anything and would rather curl up in a ball, but I know, when I reach the end of my latest entry, I will be satisfied that I have offloaded my innermost feelings and emotions for another week. The power to unite scattered events, with no apparent connection and relate their relevance to my own circumstances, remains the cornerstone and linchpin of Roaming Brit. The influences that surround me today are the memories of tomorrow, learning and understanding their importance today will help determine my direction tomorrow.

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    Encounters With Death!

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    Life really does change in an instance. When I wrote last Tuesday things were going really well. The therapy was working, and I was feeling confident, happy and had no signs of anxiety. Wednesday took the wind out of my sails and made me face something that nobody likes to think or talk about. Mortality. Death.

    My first encounter with death was when I was 23 and my Grandad passed away. I was devastated. He was my favourite Grandfather, I was his eldest grandchild and the apple of his eye. The day after he passed I found out I was pregnant with my first child. That gave the family something really positive to look forward to and was a huge comfort to me. The next person close to me to pass away was my father-in-law 12 years ago. 8 years ago I received a cancer diagnosis but only thought briefly of my own mortality before going in to fight mode to battle the damn thing. When I was forty I lost my other Grandad. He was 96 and had a great life so whilst I knew I would miss him in my life I couldn't be sad.

    2016 is what gave me my fear of death. Not of my own but of losing people I love. In the space of 3 months both my Nans and my husband passed away. It was too much to take onboard and process what was happening, and I became incredibly fearful of losing my children. I wanted to wrap them in cotton wool, not let them out. I knew this was completely irrational and the bereavement counsellor I saw at the time helped me to deal with the pain I was in and let them live their lives. I had a stroke 7 months after my husband passed away and again was not scared about dying. I have a warped sense of humour and can joke about my own death. I talk openly about what I want at my funeral and have even put down what songs I want played to remember me. They are upbeat, and I just want people to have a party when I pop off. What did scare me was the thought of losing another person I love.

    Last Wednesday evening I took a call from my mum to say my Aunt was in the intensive care unit in Essex. This was totally unexpected. She had been unwell at the end of last year when she was taken to hospital as having difficulty breathing. During the current pandemic this was a huge worry, but she was informed she had a hernia pressing on her lung and would need an operation but nothing more sinister. She has been awaiting a referral since November. Wednesday night we found out it is not a hernia but one massive tumour and a second smaller one in her lung. As of this morning it has been confirmed it is cancer. My Aunt battled and successfully overcame breast cancer 21 years ago, so this is a huge shock for the whole family.

    As my parents were both in the Navy the majority of my family do not live locally, but we are very close-knit. Due to lockdown to make up for the lack of visits last year we had weekly zoom quizzes to keep in touch which were great fun. I have yet to meet my cousin's baby who is now 7 months old. The closeness I have with my family has always been there. When I was younger my brother and I would spend 2 to 3 weeks of our school summer holidays at my grandparents, so it was always a home from home for me. I was always extremely close to my Aunt. She has no children of her own but has been very important and instrumental in my life. She was the one I could talk to when my parents "didn't understand" the hormonal, knew better than everyone teenager. I would often go and stay with her on my own, and we would go out shopping or to concerts, shows or meals, things I never did with my parents. I could also confide in her about anything.

    The night my mum called I couldn't sleep. I was in shock. That shock turned to anger on Thursday as we received updates on my aunt's condition. Due to lockdown she can have no visitors. The information we are receiving is minimal and very frustrating. As a family we have really been through it in the past 4 years and this just added to my anger.

    I was angry that yet another family member has been misdiagnosed and not given thorough tests when initially presenting with symptoms. I was angry that I can't comfort my daughter who is so distressed as her Grandmother is also currently battling and undergoing treatment for breast cancer. I had no answer for her when she asked me why is this happening to us, why is life so unfair. I was also angry as my mum is so upset she can not be with her sister at the worst possible time. I was angry at everything but didn't know where to direct it.

    That night I had to host a zoom meeting for my group therapy session, so I did my usual, buried my feelings and put a smile on. Although the session was really successful I felt exhausted at the end, pretending I was fine and the floodgates opened. My son must have heard me crying, and he came into my room. He asked me what was up and in a snotty teary way I ranted about how crap life is. This was totally unfair of me to put this on a 16-year-old but he astounded me. He gave me a hug and said "yeah we've had some crap mum, but others have it worse". He went on to comfort me and actually spoke more sense than most adults I know.

    My son amazes me. At 16, he has been through and lost more than most adults my age but his resilience and matter of fact attitude is really rather humbling. What was I doing ranting and raving about things I have no control of when this kid can take all the awful things he's been through in such a short time, on the chin. I am so proud of how my son reacts in the face of adversity, and he really has inspired me. After his dad passed away I worried he would go off the rails. I need not have. He has more sense and is more level-headed than many I know, and he is the one who keeps me on the rails.

    Friday was my aunt's birthday. I felt incredibly sad as she is alone in the ICU, but I knew I couldn't dwell on it. I needed to go to the office to pick some bits up. It is the first time since November I have ventured over there. Fortunately it was a lovely sunny day so the ferry and train journey were actually really enjoyable. A journey I used to hate doing was a welcome break in what has been a stagnant few months. On the way back I took time to appreciate where I live. I spent ages just looking at the water; it really is rather calming. It made me think long and hard. I cannot control when I or the people I love die. It is the one thing in life that is a certainty. What I can control is how I will be remembered. What is the legacy, if you like, that I want to leave behind.

    Material possessions matter not. What I achieve in work will not be remembered. What matters, is knowing you were loved and those close to you know you loved them. I have told my children every day of their lives that I love them, although I could not remember when I last told my parents or extended members of my family. I have always said life is short, and we need to make the most of it. This doesn't mean by necessarily going anywhere but making the most of what time we have on this planet and appreciating and making the most of those we love. Tell and show the people close to you how you feel. Resolve differences, hold no grudge and have no regrets. If I can get to the end of my days knowing I did everything I could to ensure my loved ones know what they meant to me then I have lived a full life.

    My Aunt is an incredibly strong lady and whilst she has a huge battle to come I know that with the whole family to support her she will give it all she can. I have spent the weekend writing letters for when my time comes. I have also made sure my family knows how I feel about them now. My brother reached out to me before Christmas and after an estranged relationship for many years he is trying to build bridges. I was reluctant to let him back into mine and my children's lives but tomorrow is not promised only today, so we are starting again with baby steps. I can not live in fear of something that will ultimately come to us all. I can live each day as if it's the last. Look forward to the future but live, learn, laugh and love right now.


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    Endurance!

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    That is two months of 2021 ticked off.

    In terms of training I’ve not missed a session this year, pretty good start. It has meant a change of routine, but I’m OK with that. It means getting up earlier a few times a week, but I’m OK with that also.

    I’ve got around 17 weeks until I take part in the ultra. My training is going to plan so far.  Saturday was my longest run so far in 2021 – 12.2 miles. I felt comfortable at that distance and the pace was on the money. The sessions are getting longer. Not just one session a week but an increase in all my run sessions. It means the alarm clock going off earlier, getting out for a run earlier, doing longer mileage and then getting back and starting work for the day – that suits me. As I’ve said in early blog entries this is just some short term ‘discomfort’ for a longer-term gain.

    I enjoy the longer run sessions. They give me a chance to really work on both my physical and mental endurance. They provide a real test of patience as well – I’m feeling really good and feeling strong, then being able to hold the pace sensibly rather than hitting it too hard from the start and blowing out at half-way.

    Physical endurance is important because I’m training my muscles and cardiovascular system to go further and further and being able to hold off fatigue. There may be times when my muscles are aching or the pace has dropped slightly, and it is having the endurance to complete the session that really counts. This is why it is important that I’m consistent with my training, why I need to take a no excuses, no quitting approach. I need to constantly be pushing myself that little bit further all the time.

    Mental endurance is just as important. Mental endurance is training the mind not to quit; mental endurance is training the mind to cope with the demands of the physical training; mental endurance is training the mind to shut out the internal negative dialogue – ‘this is tougher than I thought, maybe quit and try again another day’, ‘the weather isn’t great, maybe call it a day’, ‘I can’t do this, it is too difficult’.

    There are things I have no control over when I’m out running – weather conditions for example. One thing I have full control over is my mindset and how I’m using my mental endurance. Sometimes I just switch off totally when running, listening to music and moving along smoothly – ideal. Other times I’m having to dig a bit deeper and am constantly telling myself I’m not going to quit and how I can do this. The internal negative talk soon passes, and I find that if I start focusing on something else it passes even quicker.

    Having that positive mindset is essential. I think about why I’m doing this every session and what it means, what achieving the end goal means to me? If I mentally crack on a run of 15-20k then what chance have I got of completing a run of 50k? If that happens then what doubts are going to set in for that overall goal? What doubts are going to be gnawing away on the next training session?

    I read an interesting article recently that said when we do quit something difficult, we are usually only 40% done, and we’ve still got 60% left in us. It is our mind that has quit, not our ability. By enduring a bit more how close can we get to 100%? By shutting out that doubt what are we really capable of achieving?

    Each time we push through that barrier of doubt our levels of endurance increase, next time you’ll go further, much further, as you know you can do it.

    I love endurance training, I love the challenge of it. I love the fact that I need to push myself constantly. I love the physical and mental endurance aspect of it. As the mileage increases each week and the sessions are being ticked off I know I’m getting closer and closer to the finish line of the ultra, I know if I have the endurance to complete the training, then I have the endurance to complete the event.

    I have set some milestone sessions for my training based on distances – 13.1 miles (half-marathon), 15 miles, 18 miles, 20 miles, 24 miles, and 26.2 miles (marathon). I know if I complete each of those in the next 17 weeks then it isn’t a case of if, but when I cross that finish line.


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    Clairvoyance

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    Terri Day - Terri Day Psychometric Reading 17 Dec 2002 - Part 1

    I've always had a keen interest in all things spiritual, believing in an afterlife and the power of mediums to channel energy. Whilst searching through some personal items today, I came across a cassette tape, produced by Terri Day in 2002, during a psychometric reading I had with her in December of that year. To be honest, listening to that recording today, I have been transported backwards twenty years. I remember the conversation I had with her in her House in Salisbury. She was an extremely nice, agreeable person, who through the power of jewellery, tried to analyse me and my life. Terri came highly recommended by a friend and at the time, sceptically, I took the plunge and booked an appointment to see her.

    In many respects I have always been open to people like Terri; I really do believe there are people who can see past the earthly plane we live on. As a person who is constantly seeking answers for different aspects of life, Mediumship offers a way to make sense of confusion, in a way we can't always determine ourselves.

    I have included an extract from the recording on that day, so readers can make what they will of her abilities. At the time I thought she was remarkably accurate in her assessment of my life, but much of what she said could have been interpreted in any number of ways. She didn't really tell me anything enlightening or miraculous; in fact she misunderstood many aspects of my life, especially my personal life. Her evaluation was completely off kilter, referring to my partner Darrell as 'her' and not even understanding we were living and working together on a daily basis. Today, listening to the recording I am disappointed at her reading and can only come to the conclusion, that she wasn't necessarily the person she claimed to be.

    That is quite difficult for me to say, admitting that a Clairvoyant wasn't accurate, but that is the truth of my experience; I can't say I recognised much of what she said. I am not saying for one-minute Miss Day was fraudulent or deceptive in nature, but I don't believe she had clairvoyant ability. Nevertheless, Terri sparked an inquisitiveness in the supernatural side of life for me. Her reading in 2002 was the beginning of an interest in the occult that still remains prominent and part of who I am.

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    I began to read and appreciate the different ways one can tap into the unconscious and really understand a person. I spent the next ten years studying Chiromancy or Palmistry to the layman and entered a World that gripped my imagination. So obsessed with the meaning of life and how to interpret our journey in this World, I turned my interest into a passion, that still exists today.

    I would often read friends and strangers hands and would not only surprise myself, but also others, in just how much you could tell about another person, just by looking at the lines on the palmar surface. I have often been blown away by the circumstances and events I have seen mapped before me; I truly believe all of us have the ability to understand ourselves more, by looking at the lines on our hands, but acknowledge it isn't always possible for everyone to grasp that narrative before them.

    In complete contrast to Clairvoyance, Palmistry offers a tangible insight into a persons mind. Mediumship relies on faith and a belief in an individual; we are hopeful they are honest and true and can do what they portend, but there will always be an element of trust involved. A Medium can research and investigate, to obtain information by dishonest means. Only the person having a reading can really determine if it is sincere and reliable. Throughout my audience with Terri, I didn't feel entirely comfortable with her commentary and if I am brutally honest, she didn't really understand who I was at all.

    Then of course there was the so-called psychic who had spent three months living with my dead Grandmother. When a work colleague contacted me, claiming of her ability to contact the afterlife, including my Grandmother, I was in no position to disbelieve her. This unscrupulous person even came to my home as a trusted friend and confidante, to help Darrell and I meditate and open our minds to the concept of the spirit world. Spending an hour 'opening our chakras,' she spuriously pretended to help us see past our own scepticism. Self-evidently, it was all nonsense and this unethical reprobate, just wanted to cause us maximum hurt and pain. For a while I did believe her and thought she was a friend, but as time moved on, I saw past the lies and her disruptive shenanigans, discovering she wasn't the person I thought she was. Most people understood her true nature at the time and could only shrug, hold their hands in the air and say, they told us so. I only had myself to blame, wanting to believe in her more than anything else; I was blinded from the truth!

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    My next brush with the transcendental came with a trip to see my all-time hero 'Psychic Sally,' at The Mayflower Theatre in Southampton. I used to watch her television show all the time, as often as I could. When I found out she was going on tour, I just had to go. I had high expectations for the evening, but sadly ended up very disappointed. Her live performance was particularly mediocre, and I didn't feel she was genuinely tapping into the spirit World. My interest in her diminished shortly afterwards and her perceived lack of ability turned me away from parapsychology completely, as I sort answers to problems elsewhere. I am not saying for one minute that Sally Morgan was a fake, far from it, but she just didn't connect with me, in a way I hoped she would; for someone seeking answers, that is important!

    Today, I continue to read palms when I can and still have that curiosity in divination, I think I probably always will. I have a packet of tarot cards, placed under my bed, wrapped in a silk scarf and often ask them questions. I watch 'Most Haunted,' read my horoscope in the newspaper and stumble across fortune telling websites; Yes, I still have an enthusiasm for anything that can't be explained. However, I am more realistic with rationales and remain a sceptic, until convinced to the contrary. Something inside me will always want to believe, no matter how much I am persuaded otherwise, but until I really understand the nature of spirituality, I will continue to wrestle with my conscience, searching for aggregates and reading between the lines!
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  • Published on

    Express Wildlife Rescue and Rehab!

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    Darrell has been busy volunteering for a charity in Western Australia over the last few weeks - 'Express  Wildlife Rescue!' After the recent bush fires that engulfed Western Australia subsided, many thousands of native animals were left orphaned. This small charity is doing all it can to help those in greatest need. You can of course donate to 'Express Wildlife Rescue' by clicking the links throughout today's blog entry. Like all charities, funds are in short supply and the more help you can give to help the better.
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    Click to open Express Wildlife Rescue facebook page

    Darrell has been helping to feed and care for orphaned Joeys (baby Kangaroo's.) These tiny babies, left in their Mothers pouch after they died, are rescued by dedicated volunteers, who are having to heartbreakingly remove them, taking them to the rescue centre to be cared for. Joeys need a lot of looking after and have to be nurtured for three years, before they are able to look after themselves. It is a painstaking job hand rearing these beautiful marsupials; without the commitment of volunteers like Darrell and many others, 'Express Wildlife Rescue' wouldn't be able to carry out the work it does!
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    I am happy Darrell has finally been able to undertake some voluntary work in Australia. It is difficult when you are supporting an elderly or ill relative, so the opportunity to take a break from the pressures of life and do something to help your local community, is a good way of staying focused and in touch with the outside world. It can be a lonely task, caring for a loved one, so above all contact with other people is important.

    Life in Western Australia is carrying on as normal, so it is lucky Darrell has been able to source a position which allows him time to breathe, chat to other volunteers and help save lives. I have always enjoyed volunteering myself, for many years and hope Darrell can also gain some much-needed satisfaction from his time at the rescue centre; I know I am in awe at the work he is championing!

    For me looking in, I have also been able to see a side of life I wouldn't otherwise have seen. I am aware of the seasonal bush fires that threaten Australia, but like most people I didn't understand the extent of the damage caused to wildlife throughout this diverse country. I may well have had many challenges living in Australia twenty years ago, but I can appreciate the allurement and distinctiveness this Country represents. The amazing ecosystem needs to be preserved and protected at all costs, so the more Australians do to help, the brighter the future will be.

    Another week has passed and after four months of lockdown it has been time to shave my unruly mop - both of us are bald now, looking every inch our age; just part of the course as I reach my 50th year. Looking through old photographs earlier, I am reminded of the fulfilled life we have both led; this pandemic is but a small hiccup in the road we are currently following. The fact that we are both living apart temporarily should never affect our plans for the future This is a time to push even harder, as we become ever more determined to achieve the goals we have set together, the dreams we have yet to follow and the ambitions we continue to seek!
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  • Published on

    Taking Ownership!

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    When I sat down towards the end of last year to take stock, and initiate a very critical approach to what I wanted my life to look like in 2021, it was apparent I needed to take ownership of those targets and goals I set for myself. These things were not just going to happen by magic. But what does taking ownership actually mean? For me, it means not just doing something, but being accountable for all of it and seeing it through to the very end, until it is complete. It means proper planning and preparation, it means careful consideration, it means learning from mistakes, being accountable for every stage of that target or goal. It also means being honest and realistic, especially if something isn’t going to plan or seems unsurmountable at the time (and if that is the case break it down into more achievable parts).

    It also means making certain sacrifices. Sometimes that isn’t easy to do but for a bit of short-term ‘discomfort’ those longer term goals can be achieved. It is sometimes simpler to take the easiest route (part of our brain is actually wired to do that as part of our survival instinct). It was pretty simple to enter the 50k Ultra Trail Run I’m currently training for. Just pop onto the website, fill in my details, pay and enter it. Job done.

    It isn’t job done though.

    I knew that when I hit enter there was no turning back. I had committed to complete that event. I entered an ultra a few years ago, started training, got complacent, got injured, and didn’t take full ownership. It is something that has played on my mind a lot since, and I won’t be at peace with myself until I cross that finish line.

    Now I have to take full ownership – those training runs won’t do themselves.

    I sat down and made a plan.

    How much training I needed to do. How many training sessions I needed to do each week? How long should my runs be and when? What does my recovery look like? What other training do I need to do – Strength? Speed? Core? Other? How do I mentally prepare for it? What kit am I going to need on the day? What kit do I need to do the training? What kit do I currently have? What is my nutrition plan for the race, and what does my diet currently look like? What pace do I need to be running at? Is that the pace for all my training?

    By answering these simple questions I was able to formulate a basic plan, nothing more than that, just a basic plan of where I was and what I needed to put into place.

    Job done? No way.

    I needed to take full ownership of this now.

    I decided that I needed to do my runs in the morning (so it was done and out of the way, I tick that session off and don’t need to worry about it the rest of the day) – it means getting out of bed before 6am and getting out there training no matter what the weather is doing.

    In order to finish the ultra I need consistent training, not when I feel like it, but when it needs to be done, not missing a session because I feel tired, but when it needs to be done. It felt a bit of a slog to begin with but has now become part and parcel of my routine. A little short-term ‘discomfort’ to achieve a longer-term goal. I need to make certain sacrifices in order to achieve that goal, and I’m happy to do that. I’ve taken the same approach with each of the targets and goals I’ve set myself for the year and taken full ownership of each of them as well. Many of them require me to have short-term ‘discomfort’ to achieve them, that is not a problem because I’ve decided that quitting is no longer an option any more.

    I’ve been pretty hard on myself when evaluating what I want to do and how I get there. What do I need to change (then change it), what adds value (then add it), what adds zero value (then get rid of it). I’ve started to fine-tune a lot more, and already I am starting to see some good results of doing so.

    I need to be really mindful that complacency doesn’t set in as that can lead to laziness creeping in gradually, eventually that becomes a downwards spiral, training sessions are missed and the goal becomes unrealistic and unsurmountable, and I’m back to square one again – short-term ‘discomfort’ leads to longer term gains, so quitting is not an option.

    Each and every day I think about what it would mean to cross the finish line of the ultra (and also achieving the other goals I’ve set myself). Each and every day I ask whether I am taking full ownership of my goals and targets.

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