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I've not written here in months. I have always found that when I'm in a dark place, writing has helped. I've been in a great place mentally up until last week. Last week has caused me to relive the past and question many things.
Since losing my husband and long term partner of 22 years, I had a relationship. For the majority of its short term, it was amazing. I fell hook, line and sinker! It didn't end well.
I'm a passionate woman, wearing my heart on my sleeve (but hide a huge amount of feelings). It was always going to take someone pretty special to make me feel and love again.
I thought I'd met “the one” but it seems I was wrong. I questioned myself, cried myself to sleep many times trying to analyse what went wrong.
Last week after 16 months of no contact he messaged me. My immediate emotions were shocked, confused and happy. I still don't know why I was happy, but I was. A long time has passed. I've changed in many ways, but after agreeing to meet him, I felt odd. It was so good seeing him. The physical attraction was there. The intellectual attraction was there. The emotional attraction!
Well, that's a sticking point. I loved this man. There had only ever been one other I had felt this way, but sometimes with him, it feels like I was conversing with a Robot. I'm not allowed to have feelings without it being passive-aggressive, or I'm putting him down! As a woman who feels and loves, I need to be heard.
There were so many amazing things about this man, and I proudly at the time was his biggest cheerleader. It was never enough! His ironing was more of a priority! My feelings always made him feel I was putting him down, that he wasn't good enough. That is complete bollocks! He was more than good enough. To me, he was perfect. Not in a saintly way, but perfect for me.
I've tried for many months to block him out of my mind. Him reappearing in my life has caused many emotions. Happiness, fear, but above all questions. Why? Why now?
Our communication is great one on one, but via text or email it turns into a battle. It's awful, frustrating, and I know it causes more pain. What should I do? If I don't respond I'm wrong, if I do, it fuels it. I'm lost!
Do I wish he'd not returned to my life? I don't know. When we met, it was so comfortable. We laughed and seemed to reconnect so easily. But that long-standing problem is there. Communication! Discussion without condemnation. Is it something we can ever overcome? I don't know. All I know is I'm confused, frustrated and hurting all over again! -
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This is another blog entry, I have been in two minds about writing, mainly because of the way I am feeling, after the Russian invasion of Ukraine. I am from a generation who understands just how bad the last Cold War was and, consequently, just how close to World War III we have come in the past.
Last Sunday I spoke to my Father on the telephone; during our weekly chat the both of us generally talk about politics, so this week has been no exception. I explained my concerns to Dad, who, at fourteen years old, was able to remember the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962. After thinking for a moment, he explained, in that 'Dad voice' I remember from childhood, that everything would be alright and told me I shouldn't worry. According to my Father, the nuclear deterrent would stop both sides from annihilating each other in a third World war, and he had faith negotiations would prevail. As for me, well, I'm not so sure!
The two photographs above illustrates just how little we have learnt from nearly eighty years of peace. The top picture, shows a Father waving goodbye to his child, as he stays behind in Kyiv to fight the Russian invaders in 2022. Below, an American soldier, similarly waves farewell to his infant son, as he leaves for Europe to fight during the Second World War; photographs taken eight decades apart, but in very similar circumstances. Why the hell are we still fighting wars? Putin is no different to Hitler. The situation today is so similar it is uncanny; an autocratic leader invades his neighbour to protect his citizens. Ring any bells? History is indeed repeating itself!
As a natural worrier, I have never been so anxious, as I have been this past week. I have been making my voice heard on social media, and many friends and colleagues have been less than impressed. Preferring to block out what is happening in Ukraine, they have deleted me from their Facebook. In truth, I couldn't care less, if I have an opinion, I will voice it. I am so upset by the extreme scenes of suffering in Ukraine, that I feel I have to speak up, as all of us should. If people want to bury their head in the sand, then so be it, I am just not one of them.
Of course, I am also afraid of the future. Putin has already threatened to use nuclear weapons, and all of us should be aware of what could happen, just as we were during the Cold War. With the war not going to plan in Ukraine, I can see a situation when President Putin's anger supersedes rational judgement, and he does consider pressing the button. He is totally unhinged at the moment, according to most sources I have read, and this makes him a danger to the World. There is nothing I can personally do about this crisis, so with no control, I am feeling backed into a corner and, like everyone else, just waiting to see what happens next; these are indeed anxious days. Some of us show it more than others, and I feel it difficult to function normally under these extreme circumstances. I remember during the Falklands War in the early 1980s, I felt exactly the same and was never able to handle the fear I felt every day. I am a peacemaker, not a warmonger, it conflicts with my sense of wellbeing.
The horrific scenes in Ukraine have been heart-wrenching and disturbing. I am not a person who often cries, but I really have shed tears over the last week. The Russians have intensified their attack on the people of Ukraine and the human cost is mounting. People are dying unnecessarily, in a war they don't understand. None of us are clear as to why there is fighting. This is Putin's war, not Russia's or the Russian peoples.
Listening to the despair, as refugees reach the Polish, Moldovan and other borders in the West, it is clear just how much damage this illegal war is causing. Structurally, homes, businesses, hospitals, and infrastructure has been destroyed at an alarming rate. Yesterday even a nuclear power Station, the largest in Europe, was attacked, in a senseless, dangerous act, by Russian forces. So far, a million and a half people have left Ukraine with just a single bag. Old, vulnerable, young children, Mothers, and their family pets are crossing into other countries, trying to shelter from the war further East. As a result, the humanitarian crisis is getting worse and all of us have to do what we can to help.
At work, we have been collecting essential items for a local school to be sent out to the victims of this disaster. We are always a great bunch of people during testing times, as we were during the pandemic, and everyone is pulling together to collect and donate items to the poor people of Ukraine. Items are being stored at the Customer Service desk where I work, and it has been emotional seeing just how much people care. Spending up to a hundred pounds per person, colleagues are rising to the challenge and doing what good people do. None of us understand why Ukraine is being attacked, least of all civilians, indiscriminately bombed by an aggressive, advancing Russian force. I pray this ends soon, before this conflict spirals completely out of control.
With the World once again in turmoil, it was wonderful to see an old friend this week. Stephen was spending a few days in the South, after his Mother sadly passed away. I have known Ste for nearly thirty years, and he was one of the last people I saw before I left for Spain in 2018, which is actually the last time I saw him. Like me, he is extremely politically motivated and as well as catching up, we also discussed the state of the World. It does help to chat with other people, at least it does for me, because it allows me to get feelings and emotions off my chest.
Having been in the RAF, Stephen was able to reassure me, rather like my Father did, but like me, is aghast at just what is happening in Ukraine. None of us have had it good over the last few years and Ste has suffered more than most, but neither of us could have predicted the events of today, following the worst pandemic in over a hundred years. I think like most people, we just feel tired and exhausted of the constant difficulties, pressure, and chaos that feels all consuming at the moment. The fact I saw an old friendly face, does at least pull me back to reality for a bit and make me realise just what is important. The World may well be in a mess, but at least I have some uniquely special people around me, reassuring me, how great life can be. Friendships make the journey so much easier, and just as we have done so many times before, create a conduit for conversation, that our leaders could learn from themselves.
Whatever happens next, it is encouraging to know we are all in this together. The dark thoughts I have and not specific to me, they are a broader acknowledgement of the failure of leadership and the beginning of a new chapter in life, that is likely to be bumpier than before. With the support of all those around us, we will survive the oncoming pain, concentrating our efforts on the people who need it, remaining steadfast, resolute and sane.
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It has been nearly eighty years since the end of the Second World War and during that time, Europe has enjoyed relative peace, free from conflict and tyrannical dictators, that really defined the last century. I suppose my generation was the first to enjoy life, without the prospect of having to go to war. On Thursday 24 February 2022, all that calm and tranquillity was shattered, as one man's dream, to build an empire after the fall of the Soviet Union, came to fruition. The increasingly dictatorial President Putin of Russia, invaded his neighbour Ukraine and began a fight to restore the old communist satellite states to Russian control; while the World was distracted, Putin prepared for invasion on a scale that no one has seen since the 1930s.
I am like everyone, every sane, normal person that is; I am appalled and shocked by the blatant criminal act against a sovereign state. This is 2022 for God’s sake, have we really learnt nothing over the last eight decades; we are at a terrible crossroads in history, that none of us thought possible. The evil dictator in Russia has crossed a line, and it feels like there is no going back. Once you let the beast out of its box, it's very difficult to put it safely back in. This tyrant has unleashed a war on the continent that could be the catalyst for something far worse, the consequences of which, don't bare thinking about. There are never any winners in armed conflict, just the casualties left behind; lives broken, homes and livelihoods destroyed and a nation in mourning for its dead. I don't mind admitting, I cried on the day I heard the news and I have a feeling, many more tears will yet be shed!
It feels that Putin has taken advantage of a terrible situation and used it to prepare for war. I am of course talking about the pandemic. While countries fought hard to save their citizens during the worldwide Coronavirus outbreak of 2020-2022, this psychopathic mad man spent the time building up resources, capital and military supplies, in order to unleash his inhuman fighting machine on Ukraine. In some respects you could almost, yes almost believe, that the last two years were a smoke screen, staged by communist China as a catalyst for the ushering in of the new World order. One has to remember just how much nations were preoccupied with COVID-19; yes, they did take their eye off the ball and didn't think for one minute that Russia would launch an attack in the heart of Europe. Of course this is just speculation and whatever the circumstances behind this new war, the fact is, the west allowed it to happen, and the consequences will live with us for generations to come.
Watching the scenes unfold from Ukraine on our television screens, I was as shocked as anyone at what I was witnessing. The sirens sounding across the city of Kyiv, people running for cover to underground shelters in the city's metro system, echoing the scenes from London during the Blitz in the 1940s, a bygone era. Cruise missile hitting civilian areas, blocks of flats and refugees heading west on trains out of urban areas. Carrying a few belongings, children in hand, pets in carry cases with a single suitcase would not have looked out of place in Hitlers Germany, as Jews were transported to concentration camps. The emotions I feel now, as I write this, are real and bring yet more tears to my eyes; this is a war like no other and a fight all of us will have to endure.
These last few years have been traumatic for all of us living through the pandemic. We have all had to make sacrifices for the greater good of our friends and neighbours, each of us protecting one another living through lockdowns, restrictions and draconian measures, designed to stem the tide of COVID-19. As we move out of this terrible period in history, it seems we are now entering yet another even more agonizing, anxiety inducing time, with the beginnings of a European war. These dangerous days herald the start of what could be a World destroying event, that will result in catastrophic loss of life and the end of our planet as we know it. This is probably the most perilous period in modern history, and none of us know where it will end.
My biggest fear is a wider world war, as Russia crosses the boarder into NATO territory. Part of the NATO charter states that any action against one NATO nation will result in a swift, decisive action against Russia from the other NATO members. If President Putin is as mad as we are told, then he will not think twice about launching attacks against other states bordering Russia. The word unhinged is being used to describe this egotistical maniac, and after the events of the last few days, it is easy to see why. The attack on Ukraine has clearly been planned for a long time and constitutes war crimes not seen in Europe since the late 1990s. With his finger firmly on the nuclear trigger, Putin could single-handedly destroy the World whenever he wants. This would of course be a worse case scenario, but alarm bells are already ringing. Mr Putin wants the old USSR back, and it seems he will stop at nothing to achieve it.
These are indeed dark days for the World, as all of us hold our breath. Sadly I don't have a crystal ball, but I am aware of my own anxiety and that of friends, family and colleagues. The next few weeks and months are going to get bumpy; I am scared for the future, but just like I did in the pandemic, I will carry on, doing what I have to, to survive. At the moment there is no hint of what's to come, so like the rest of the World, I pray for a positive outcome and continue to look forward to a future that may or may not exist. All of us have to do our best to support our Ukrainian friends, donate to charities in the region and keep the message of hope alive. At this fork in the road, it's time to stand up and be counted, don't bury your head in the sand, wake up to what's happening on our doorstep. Evil exists in the World, it's time to confront it head on!
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With Storm Eunice causing havoc across the UK today, I have decided to stay inside with Darrell. Each year I have a 'personal day,' time off from work, over and above my normal holiday, and it just so happened to fall on the day, the biggest storm in a generation hit the south coast of England. To be honest, it has just given me the opportunity to relax, chill and take some much-needed time for myself. I am mindful of just how bad this storm could be, however. Looking outside the window, the strong winds are clear to see; rubbish and debris is blowing in the air during strong gusts and walls and fences have collapsed in the street.
Sitting, reflecting on today's storm force winds, I am left wondering just what is going on, in this chaotic World we are living in. If you could transport me back to 2019, I would gladly leave tomorrow. The last few years, since the loss of my Mother, have been terrible in every respect. The Pandemic emphasises just how awful the planet has become. The scenes on our television sets, recording mounting deaths daily, brought home the scale of mother nature. I have suffered from low mood and depression for quite a number of months now; with more and more bad news, from every part of the planet, highlighted on our television screens daily, there are times, I just want to hide away and forget this time exists.
As a child, I was always fearful of war. Growing up in the 1980s, during the height of the Cold War, I was always aware of what could happen. I would spend night after night worrying about nuclear war, especially after watching the film 'Threads.' This film documented a fictional nuclear attack on the city of Sheffield; its powerful imagery has always remained with me. As communism collapsed, so the Cold War ended and the World seemed a much safer place to live. The threat of war quickly receded and the nightmares I had as a child disappeared; finally, I could breathe a sigh of relief.
Nothing is forever, as they say; with a despot like Putin in charge of Russia, it looks like we are heading into another Cold War. Tensions are high in Ukraine and Western nations have warned we could even be on the cusp of a dangerous European war, at the end of the COVID-19 pandemic. This is a time in history that appears to be the most dangerous in my lifetime. 2022, isn't a great time to be alive, I have never felt so uneasy. I believe we are heading into a period of great turmoil, but more importantly, change; a crossroads in all our lives.
If I was a religious man, I would say that it really does feel like the 'end of days' at the moment. The World seems chaotic, directionless and, with the rise of dictators like Putin, without moral compass. The pandemic has highlighted just how vulnerable we are and how easy it is to upset the delicate environmental balance that keeps us in check. I have never understood the inhumane nature of people. Whether a tyrant ruling a country or a sociopath at the top of Oxfam, these individuals exist, to the detriment of the rest of us. There is very little we can do on the surface to rid ourselves of cretinous leaders who lord over us, but we can distance ourselves from the worst influences in our own lives.
I have tried very hard to change my life for the better, especially during this pandemic. The last two years reminds me very much of my own struggles in life. Just as you think you have turned a corner for the better, something else comes along to push you right back to where you started. The next few years will more than likely be more of the same, so it looks like we will have to batten down the hatches and make the most of what we have. I very much look forward to a time, when we can live in peace and normality, but until then, we can always remember the good times… Times that will most certainly return once again!
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It's been nearly four years since I returned to the UK from Spain, and during that time I haven't stopped working. The busiest period for me was always on the weekends, especially a Saturday night. I would often go from job to job, starting early in the supermarket and finishing at midnight in the pub. Fifteen-hour days were all well and good when I was living in Britain on my own, but now Darrell is home, my busy lifestyle has had to change. No one can keep working at such a fast pace, without burning out. A few weeks ago I made the decision to stop working at the Newcome Arms on a Saturday night and the reality is, it has been just the tonic I have needed to finally relax and unwind once again.
I have found it particularly difficult to chill and take time out since arriving back home; with so much on my mind, it hasn't been easy to forget my woes, especially with Darrell being in Australia. Of course, I have never been a person to do nothing, I have to keep busy, which usually involves blogging or going out for a long walk. Having at least part of the weekend free can only be a good thing, as I finally take a step back and enjoy the time I have to myself. I work more than enough hours to pay for Darrell and me now, and the last thing I want to do is get ready to go out and work on a bustling Saturday night.
Last weekend, for the first time in years, we went out for a meal at what has become my favourite Chinese restaurant, Yan Woo in North End. This small unassuming establishment, set back from the road, offers amazing home cooked food, in an authentic setting, The staff are always friendly and welcoming, making this a great place to unwind after a long day. It did feel good to be sat quietly talking with Darrell, as we always used to, and not having to worry about rushing home to get ready for work. This first Saturday off was a great introduction to normal life once again, and I thoroughly enjoyed being free.
I do use the word free loosely; I never felt trapped working at the Newcome, but rarely having time out on a weekend became a burden towards the end. I haven't needed to work in the pub, in a monetary sense, having enough income to survive, but it was a part of my life I enjoyed. Socially, working in a pub was a wonderful experience, especially on a Saturday, which is usually football day here in Portsmouth. Meeting some incredible people, I cherish some amazing memories, made over many years. I am also still beavering away behind the bar on a Wednesday evening, not wanting to give up bar work just yet. I want and need to keep that contact with a pub I regard as my own and a group of people I have a remarkable bond with. In time, I may decide to knock it on the head completely, but until then, I am happy to be a part of the Newcome team, looking forward to a productive year ahead!
This weekend I was able to spend time with family, going out for the day, eating lunch out and enjoying a home cooked meal in the evening. It was great to do 'normal' things on a Saturday, which I wouldn't have usually done otherwise. It is more important for me now, to have this time to myself, especially with Darrell home from Australia. As 'normal' service resumes, I hope to continue to scale back the amount of shifts I do in the coming months. By the time we approach the end of the year I want to be in a position, where I can pick and choose when I work, without pushing myself too hard. One has to remember, I have had a lot of health concerns over the last four years and after suffering from COVID recently this month, it is time to take stock and realise, life isn't just about working. It is also about spending quality time with the people I love and enjoying life once again.