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    Excited Again!

    Events & Occasions Friends letters-of-hope The Group
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    It's been 11 days since my hypnosis for confidence, self-esteem and self-worth and I can honestly say I feel great. I hosted a Zoom video call last Thursday night for my group, something I would never have done before in a social context, and I loved every minute of it. I have found confidence in everything from work through to my personal life and my anxiety remains under control as a result. I am still in awe at how I am feeling and acting but also still sceptical and have a small doubt that it could end.

    I have always been fascinated by psychology, I started an A level in it whilst at college many years ago but sadly didn't complete due to circumstances at the time. Having my therapy and hypnosis has awakened a thirst for knowledge in me that I haven't had for a long while. I have signed up for a short psychology course starting from this week. Whilst I have no wish to pursue this as a career I am fascinated with how our brains work and how as humans we process thoughts and feelings. I have spent a lot of time looking at things that have happened in the past couple of years in my life. Events and people and what triggers my emotions and how I handle them. I now have a much clearer understanding of myself. I am relishing the fact that I continue to learn and grow each day.

    My therapist had very kindly offered to run some sessions for my group. The first session last Thursday was an introductory to the psychology of relationships and dating. She got us to play a game that was great fun and showed us our personality types, ideal partners personality and preferred sex life. This generated a huge amount of laughs but was very interesting, thought-provoking and strangely true for all. The feedback from the session was fantastic, and we are running 5 more all completely free over the next few weeks. This week is all about confidence. I cannot wait.

    Work has become a joy again. I am thriving and pushing harder than ever to gain the promotion I want. Personally life is fun right now. Yes we are still in lockdown. No I cannot socialise in person, but I can still enjoy things. Something I seemed to have forgotten to do in many months. I have not stopped smiling for the last 11 days. I actually wake up looking forward to what each day has to offer.

    My group has been a huge factor in the fun I am having. Being in contact with so many new people from all different walks of life is providing me new hope and possibilities. Friday night we had a virtual 80's party. It started at 7pm and went on til the early hours with over 200 people taking part. Some were on video chats others just using text or comments, some posted pictures of themselves dancing. It was such a good laugh and a much-needed release in the current times whilst following the rules. There were definitely a few sore heads the following morning!

    My bucket list is growing and one of my things 'to do' is looking like a real possibility next year. I have wanted to go to The Isle of Man TT since I was about 17. One of my group members lives there and has offered myself and a couple of others to stay so all we need to do is organise our travel when it does eventually happen. I am looking forward to ticking things off my list. I know life is incredibly short, and I want to live and make the most of it, not get 20 or 30 years older and be full of regret for time wasted.

    After yesterday's announcement people have a new-found excitement. My social media has blown up overnight with people posting holiday bookings, table reservations at restaurants for 21st June and discussions about garden parties from the end of March. It is great to see the world excited again, but I am just a little reluctant to start making concrete plans and rushing things. I am an optimist but also a realist and a sense of we've been here before is lurking in my mind. Personally I would hate to make plans for it again to be cancelled, this would be a huge slap in the face, so I shall continue one day at a time. Enjoying what I can in the moment and under the circumstances we are in but also remaining hopeful as there is a light at the end of a long tunnel.
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    Community Coronavirus Testing!

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    I've just popped into Portsmouth City centre this morning to have a COVID-19 test. I booked a ten-minute appointment online yesterday, after the new rapid test centre for critical workers opened up in Guildhall Square.

    Surprisingly I haven't had a Coronavirus test yet. When I had my symptoms back in March/April, tests for people like me were not available, consequently I never knew if I had the virus or not. I jumped at the opportunity to get tested, if anything, to put my mind at rest.

    Key workers are now able to test regularly at the site, in order to ensure they are keeping others safe at work. Asymptomatic spread of the disease is a large problem for local authorities, trying to keep track of the virus; with this new centre open, anyone without symptoms is being encouraged to get tested. This will give Portsmouth City Council an idea of just how far COVID has spread.
    With the highest infection rate in Hampshire, it is vital all of us who live here get on top of the R-Rate, which is falling slower than expected. Rapid and surge testing will help to determine the extent of infection, but it won't empower people to attend centres like the one in Portsmouth, that is up to us. As a community, we need to encourage friends, families and work colleagues to get tested, if they work in any of the key frontline roles. If we want to get back to normal, the quicker we isolate those who are carrying the virus, but showing no symptoms, the sooner we will get on top of community transmission. If you are a key worker like me, please get tested
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    Click above to book at test

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    I arrived ten minutes before my test and walked straight into the Guildhall, where I was asked to provide some personal information and connect to a government application, before I went into the test centre. All my details were confirmed and the notification 'flashed green' as soon as I had filled in all my details. I was then directed to a cubical, where I showed them the phone application, to confirm I had completed my contact information correctly.

    After a few brief questions, I was asked to swab my throat, which made me gag, confirming I had undertaken the procedure correctly, apparently. Finally, I had to repeat the process again, using the same swab up one of my nostrils. It was all very quick, done within half a minute, and I was free to go. Within half an hour I had received my negative test result and was able to carry on with the rest of my day.

    It will be a few months yet before I receive my vaccination, so in the interim, I have decided to get tested every week, until I am fully protected. That way I will make sure myself and others are kept safe. Apart from anything else, I think it is my civic duty to do whatever I can, to help the local and national effort to eradicate COVID-19. I would urge anyone else considering going along to the Guildhall to do so and lets start getting life back to normal
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    Final Farewell!

    1995 London the-story-of-us Travel
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    Leaving Britain for Australia was a bit of a blur if I am totally honest. I was feeling apprehensive and agitated on the day we vacated our little room at the Heritage House Hotel. Jumping on an underground train we headed straight to Heathrow Airport, no hesitation, no looking back. It felt a little surreal leaving for a new life with nothing, but I was happy to say farewell to a period in my life, that had become self-destructive and painful to endure. Darrell and I had got to know one another more in the last few days, than we had in the year I had known him. Wearing a brown baggy v neck top he had bought me from a small shop in Soho, we were finally at the end of our journey in the UK. Our time in London, was the stepping stone we both needed and a fitting goodbye amid all the melee we had left behind.

    On the way to the tube station I popped to a cashpoint, to withdraw my giro check, that had put deposited by a friend Mark. He  had lent me his bank card, so I could gain access to the funds. It was the early 1990s, I had no bank card and very little money to live on. Even today I wonder how the hell I could afford to live a 'party' lifestyle on little or no cash; but I did and the rest is history. Social fund loans, double cashing unemployment cheques here or there, disguised as an old man with dark glasses and a hat at the Post Office counter; somehow, I ducked and dived, lived under the radar and muddled my way through. Mark was probably the best friend I had and true to his word, the money was there, and I had something for my new life in Australia. This was a man who was instrumental in helping me make up my mind to leave, he was the strength I didn't have and a voice of reason at a bewildering time.

    Heathrow was packed was travellers, as we made our way to check in.
    'Do you have any bags to check in Sir?' said the middle-aged lady on the British Airways desk.
    'No,' I replied, 'just me!' Confused, she looked at my passport, closely examining my photo, looking me up and down, moving the document this way and that. Handing it back rather tersely, a scowl on her face, she muttered succinctly to a colleague, who smiled broadly. I turned my back abruptly and walked away, mimicking her hoity demeanour as I went. It somehow felt liberating to be free of 'stuff,' I could breathe again, without the restraints of goods and chattels around my neck! A little nervous, Darrell's bag checked in, we left walking towards immigration, to wait for our flight. This really was the final goodbye, the end of an era, the beginning of something new and exciting; an adventure like no other.

    Darrell had paid a premium for the flights back to Australia, and we were lucky enough to have three seats to ourselves. The food was fantastic, wine free flowing and the love we shared for one another clear for all to see. We chatted, laughed, planned and discussed our life together, living in the moment, like each hour was our last. I'm not entirely sure either of us really believed we would still be together today, but the bonds we formed then, cemented our relationship together, in a way we couldn't otherwise have done.

    The flight was long; except for a very brief stopover in Singapore, we were travelling non-stop, twenty-one hours to Perth. For me however, as I drifted off to sleep on Darrell's lap, looking out of the window, at the twinkling lights of India below, it passed all too quickly. It was my first and best long haul flight I had ever been on and unlike today, I enjoyed every minute. When you are at the beginning of a new relationship, no obstacle seems insurmountable, no chasm too big. As a couple you can accomplish anything you put your mind to, and with age on our side, we relished this new journey; the same one we are travelling today.

    As the jumbo jet approached Australia, I had no idea what to expect. Of course, I had my preconceived ideas about what it would be like, but nothing could prepare me for the reality of life down under. For now, I was happy to go with it; there were no plans in place, just a desire to be together and the opportunity to succeed. This was the start of a partnership that has lasted the test of time and the  opening of a new  chapter at the base of a mountain, we were yet to climb!
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    Clandestine Words and Jumbled Machinations - The Time Before I 'Came Out!'

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    It has always amazed me, that gay people have to ‘come out’ and announce their sexual orientation to the rest of the World. A gathering of noteworthy individuals, nibbling canapés, sipping Bellinis offering a well deserved pat on the back, sympathy and a patronising ear. A party of drunken guests, drinking beer, chatting loudly over a booming stereo, voices barely audible over the ever-increasing discordance. Christmas with Mother and Father on a rather festive Saturday evening, whilst watching Larry Grayson's Generation Game on TV - All possible scenarios, for that intimate chat over a cup of tea or something stronger, but none, which apply in my case. A persons sexual preference should not be the subject of gossip, commented on by others, or scrutinised by friends and family, in the hope they can understand what essentially for me was a personal struggle. Every gay man has a ‘coming out’ story to tell, some more dramatic than others - a tragedy in the making, a relief, confirming ones parents worst fears or simply an acknowledgement that maybe, just maybe, they were right all along.

    I didn't ‘came out’ in the traditional sense of the phrase; those closest knew I was gay from early childhood – the small boy who from the age of five, preferred deliberating with dolls to a cap gun, holster and Stetson, unless it was appropriately attired with whatever outfit I was wearing at the time. I was always looking in at the rest of the World from the sidelines, muttering to myself, ‘how come I just don’t fit in, why am I so different to my peers?’ My outward happy disposition, hid a dark reality of anxiety and depression that consumed my every waking moment. As I wrestled with my demons and tried to understand the person I really was, I became self-absorbed, diffident and withdrawn

    Introspection, self-analysis, a disliking of oneself and a negative outlook on life, dominated those early years as I turned inwards, living the life I always wanted through dreams. An imagination running wild and a veneer of semblance, offered the pretence of a better World. When you live your life in a constant caliginous, suffocating twilight, riotous, rip-roaring distraction, offers the chance to carry on, a raison d'être to wake up each morning and the motivation to thrive and grow! The confusion, self loathing and lack of understanding, was so difficult to quantify, at a time when I should have been relishing my childhood; those testing teenage years. Instead of developing, burgeoning into a rounded, well-adjusted young man, I was becoming a prisoner of my own conscience, unable or unwilling to break free.

    Intentionally, I had very few friends at school and did everything to hide my true self, Classmates only saw a small percentage of me, the tiny ten percent, I wanted them to see. I became good at creating distraction, offering an illusion of normality, when there was none. Living more than one life,  I exhibited a mirage of convenience, a smokescreen of conventionality; with the weight of the World on my shoulders, I became old beyond my years.

    Alone with my thoughts, I would often retreat into the shadows, learning to meditate for hours on end. Clearing my mind of despondency I would write continuously, with ever-increasing fervour - clandestine words and jumbled machinations, offloading my anger, frustrations and during happier times, my hopes, thoughts and aspirations for the future. Yes I did have constructive days, periods of hope and belief in myself. They may well have been few and far between, but they are the lucky days, those that resonate with my sense of purpose, a reminder that the bad times will eventually pass and light will inevitably overcome the dark. Testing times offer an opportunity to once again explore the trauma of my childhood and remind me, of the contentions I have survived before and will do so again! The journey of life takes many twists and turns, but keeps on advancing, even as we jump off.

    My early years, growing up gay have played a pivotal role in the direction I have taken ever since. If I am honest, the period just before I 'came out' is a bit of an enigma; I was so confused and at odds with traditional society, that I was unable to favourably comprehend the feelings I had then. Rather than celebrating my homosexuality, using it as a platform to prosper and mature as an individual, I used it as an excuse to cause unrecoverable damage to myself, especially my mental health and psychological resilience. By the time I reached adulthood, I was so broken and fatigued, consumed with my own troubled life, that I had forgotten who I really was. My sexuality had become a millstone around my neck and I still couldn't see past the stigma, often laid firmly at my door. I understand I'm not the only gay man in the World, but without support and direction, I was left rudderless in a sea full of hate!

    Tracing one's footsteps back to my adolescence, I can clearly see where the rot set in. Even as I approach my 50th Birthday, I am still very much a product of that time. Like then, I am able to sit melodiously alone and write my innermost feelings down, only this time for positive reasons. Of course today I am happy with myself, have all the approbation I  need and have finally accepted the mistakes of the past. Unlike thirty, forty years ago, I can reflect honestly about the circumstances of my being and make the best of what I managed to salvage from that period. I may well not have my whole life ahead of me any more, but I can at least try and repair the damage, I carry around with me, even today. My life certainly didn't turn out the way I expected, but it has afforded me the opportunities to reflect, contemplate and ruminate, even if it is a little too much!
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    My new-found confidence!

    Domestic-abuse letters-of-hope Relationships The Future
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    A new week has just started. I had my hypnotherapy on Friday. Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT). It's a hybrid therapy that includes hypnosis, hypnotherapy, Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I must admit I was sceptical about it. I've seen hypnosis on shows and always thought it was staged. I joked with the therapist Dawn that I was worried about randomly acting like a chicken afterwards and was assured that would not happen. So what did happen?

    I was hypnotised, put into a suggestible state of consciousness. I was awake and aware the whole time. I felt so relaxed and calm. We explored four memories. It was quite bizarre. Two of the four that came out I had never ever thought about. I didn't even realise they were in my head. When I was asked to recount each scene It was as if I was watching a recording on a TV of me but in that moment. I could see every detail as clear as crystal. The feelings those memories evoked were incredibly powerful and emotional.

    I always put my lack of confidence, self-esteem and self-worth down to the abusive relationship I had many years ago. What I uncovered is the seeds were sown many more years before that when I was 7.

    I was an incredibly tall child. Taller than most adults and was ridiculed for it by children and teachers. The seed was sown, I looked different, was a freak, and ugly, but it was my belief and internal dialogue that it was true that made the seed grow. The relationship I had only consolidated in my head I was that person and was not worthy or good enough.

    The final memory was of my husband's funeral. This confused me. I couldn't understand what my confidence had to do with that. Dawn asked me loads of open questions and the answer I gave explained all. The day of his funeral was the day I said goodbye to a man I loved, who loved me unconditionally. A man who loved me no matter how I looked or what I did. Since he passed away I have subconsciously believed I would never be worthy of being loved again. His passing triggered the old feelings and that nobody would see me as he did.

    After identifying the root cause Dawn got me to say things out loud. Almost to dispel the feelings of being ugly, different and unlovable. To put them in a time and place that no longer has any relevance or power in my life. I was bought out of my hypnotic state. I was aware I had cried throughout, but I was smiling. I felt an inner peace that I cannot find the right words to describe. We talked further about it and I can honestly say I was amazed at how I felt.

    That night I was buzzing. I had a video call with some people I have gotten to know recently but have never met. This is something I would not have done before. Always worrying about how awful I would look on the screen. I was not worried this time. I took the call and I felt fantastic. I ended up having a great evening, and although we are in lockdown it was a fantastic girls night with a lot of laughter.

    On Saturday I was asked again by a number of my group members about a party or get together after lockdown. This was something said as a bit of a joke a couple of weeks back by one group member and within a matter of hours escalated quite quickly. I have over 450 members now, and it really has created a little community of people who help one another out. Dawn, my therapist has offered to run some sessions on the group starting from this week for the next 6 weeks, including the psychology of relationships amongst other things. This has been really well-received by the other members and many have confirmed their attendance for the first one. As the group members live all over the place I've started to look at possible venues around the country and see where people are happy and able to travel to. I have never organised anything like this before and to be honest prior to Friday didn't seriously entertain the idea. Now it can be a reality.

    Sunday was Valentine's Day. I received 2 E-cards. One was from a guy in the group who lives in Canada, the other was from a guy I dated 3 years ago. Although he is in a relationship he has sent one every year since we met, except last year (he only sends it as a friend). The cards made me laugh, and I'll admit boosted my ego a little. I chatted to the guy I had dated and told him about my hypnotherapy. He has been really supportive over the past few months checking in with me as he knows I've been having a tough time.

    When I met him, dating was a complete unknown to me. I had been in a relationship for 22 years. I had just lost a huge amount of weight and hated my body even more than I had before. He is incredibly good-looking and super confident. I always felt a little intimidated. We dated for 6 months and whilst we got on amazingly ì always knew it would be nothing more than friends. I do remember him saying to me at the time that sexy is an attitude not a dress size. It always stuck in my head, but I never took it onboard. After he listened to me telling him about hypnotherapy he said it to me again. He paid me several other compliments. Before I would have just laughed it off unable to accept he meant it. This time I didn't. After we chatted I went upstairs and coloured my hair. I put a dress, heels and makeup on. The first time in so long. Why did I bother when there is no one to see it? I did it because it made me feel good. I went shopping totally overdressed and made up, but I didn't care. I felt great.

    I can see how my attitude has changed already in certain aspects of my life. I am no longer worried about someone saying hurtful or cruel things to me about the way I look as that actually says more about them and where they are in their heads than it does me. My new-found confidence will only enhance me and my life. Will I ever be a person who craves or demands attention in a crowd? No, that is not at all in my nature. I want to be the person who can look at myself inside and out and know and be happy with who I am. Since Friday I can do that.


    I hope to be able to look back at these ramblings in a year's time and be proud of myself. I do not want to look back, read this and feel that nothing has changed or be annoyed with myself for not acting on what I have said or done. I am confident that it will not be the case. The skeptic in me did wonder if how I felt was just an in the moment feeling and would it last. What difference would it make to my life? Well I am three days in. I have a recording I listen to every day and will for 21 days. I feel empowered for the first time.

    After shopping on Sunday I actually stood and truly looked at myself in a mirror. I stood completely naked. For someone who has avoided mirrors for so long this was unusual. And for the first time I liked what I saw. I didn't criticize how I looked. I just appreciated myself. I have curves, I have scars, I have stretch marks, but they are there for a reason and are a part of the story of my life. I sat listening to music that night. Learning to Fly by Pink Floyd came on. So apt! To me the lyrics are about overcoming personal fear and breaking free from it. I cannot explain how this has worked and I would honestly recommend it to anyone. I feel like I have been given the opportunity to be me. To be happy and comfortable in myself. I am learning to fly.

    I have put the link on to Dawn's website in case anyone else feels they could benefit from it.

    http://www.finding-freedom.uk

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    Visualisation!

    2021 richard-guy Running
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    One of the areas I learned to focus on quite a few years ago when training for endurance events was visualisation. I would sit down quietly in the corner of the room, close my eyes and focus on a part of my training or a race that would be competing in soon. I would focus and visualise on how I feel, my technique, feeling strong, my power output, and my pace. It was something I felt really worked and allowed me to concentrate on the mental aspect rather than the physical aspect of training. It also gave me that sense of belief.
     
    I’m currently training for a 50 km ultra trail run and a vision keeps on appearing in my mind – I am running smoothly along the trail, my pace is good as I leave a forested section of the trail, it is warm, it is sunny, and I can see the next 5-6 miles of trail ahead of me. I’m feeling strong and motivated and know if I complete this section of trail I will be much closer to the finish line, all I need to do is keep moving forwards. I am aware of the surroundings of my environment even though I am solely focused on reaching the finish line.
     
    I was out for a run on Saturday morning. I didn’t have a mileage in mind apart from the need to do my longest run of the year so far. I set out, and it was pretty blustery in places, then a change in direction and a solid headwind. It is tough and although the pace had dropped the effort had increased to push forwards. I’m fully focused and the visualisation comes into my mind and running along that trail towards the finish line. The next couple of miles seem to flash by. By the time I get back, I’ve run just over 11 miles (my longest run this year) and I feel like I could have run much further than I had.
     
    I reflected on that run a bit later in the day. I seemed to zone out for a large part of the run – I was focused on moving forward, running at a steady pace, was focused on my breathing. How fast and how long I had run wasn’t an issue and not something I’d thought about during the run. That sense of belief came flooding through – no longer was it a case of getting to the start line of the 50k ultra, it had now shifted to how I would feel crossing that finish line of the 50k ultra.
     
    When we set ourselves goals or targets that sense of self-belief is important. Visualisation plays a huge part in that. Do you see yourself in that mental picture of what you are setting out to achieve? What does the journey look like? How do you feel when making that journey? Do you rehearse any of the journey? What are some of the pitfalls or obstacles and how you might overcome them? If we can visualise ourselves achieving something, we are more likely to achieve it in reality. It positively reinforces our sense of self-belief.
     
    For me personally visualisation is key. It builds the self-belief, it creates that confidence, it feeds the self-motivation, and builds the resilience required. I know that when the going gets tough I have the mental strength available to keep going. I keep going because I have that inner belief. I keep going because I tell myself over and over that quitting is not an option available.

    I know the nature of endurance events throws up many challenges and some of those are way out of my control. I know that the preparation I do is more than the physical training – the miles run – it is the mental training as well, being prepared mentally, being able to be fully focused, being able to deal with set-backs, being able to tough it out, being able to shut out those negative thoughts, and having that unbreakable sense of motivation to get to the finish line. Like the physical aspect of training it requires constant work, constant practice, and constant fine-tuning until it becomes a behaviour and mind-set.
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