Let me introduce you to Verruca Almond; Ms Almond as she prefers! Verruca has been sent to me, like a Fairy Godmother, to help me get through the hard times. A carer, jailer, confidante, personal shopper and teacher of wise and wonderful things; things I never knew; small tips to get me through each struggling day and planner of futures; at the moment my future. Who know's it could be yours next!
Finally The NHS has recognised the seriousness of my situation. In their wisdom, they have sent me someone with vision, experience and a person who can recognise Bipolar in all its forms.
This weekend Verruca taught me how to lick knives successfully; she caught me running a blade along my lips on Saturday night. Horrified, she showed me the way to do it safely, with most impact. A moistened knife can be a godsend in many survival scenarios. For everyday kitchen use, a lubed up utensil will always make light work, of even the hardest task; cutting meat from the bone, is done with ease. I was a little more concerned with the psychotic way, she sliced her way through, but understood she had a past, so accepted her odd ways. To be honest, as this is a 'Truthful' blog, I even got a little excited!
Verruca is taking me for a walk around town next week. Her tips for such an extensive expedition are things we should all know when we set off to the local shop on the corner. Rehydration is a must; if one falls in a Biffa bin, when hiding from the Police, alcoholic beverage, or otherwise is essential. It will get one through the night and could even save your life!
Her breast storage/cocktail cabinet was genius. Like Verruca, I often fall over, flat on my face in a ditch or gutter; it isn't unusual!
'A bottle in the bra, saves embarrassment and scar.'
A little ditty, I'll remember in future; almost poetic. Said with aggressive, chav like tones, to get the message across.
I admired her fashion sense; yes, designer, stunning and beautiful, but also practical and hardy. A towel round the waist to protect her dignity, offers easy access to Paramedics, during those low points in ones life and a blankey to protect naked revelers who fall down drains or collapse in doorways on a Saturday night. One should always take them to a 'SAFE' place, normally her house, the room next to the toilet, second door on the right.
Her dark glasses should help with migraine and reduce others pain when looking at her sad 'I want to kill you' eyes. Detection also becomes harder and thus saves even the worst murderers reputation, when Crimewatch hits the screens!
Finally, her fine ginger locks; useful storage of sharp items, used to protect a Lady alone at night. Importantly she told me how it had saved her life. At her lowest point, she, like me decided to take her own life. She stood by Northam Bridge, leant over, and jumped; as a point of interest, wear knickers, it will save embarrassment when The Daily Echo prints its salacious story. Anyway she fell forwards, regretted her actions immediately, luckily getting her locks wound round the railings on top of the bridge. She hung there for days, eventually cut down by a clipper, but thanked the Lord, for her safe return,
So this is Verruca. Everyone should have one. In her case, most already have!
I first started writing about Verruca Almond, in my fist blog Bipolarcoaster. Verruca was a parody of my then boss Vera Lynham; the woman responsible for bullying, harassment, homophobia, lies and attacks against myself, my partner and other good members of staff. I created Verruca as a tool to offload my frustration and anger at the time and it worked.